Update on Ex from YEARS ago contacting me...

[browneyedgirl36]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I picked here. Note: I am NOT still healing from this relationship -- so if the mods want to move this, feel free.

 

So...A few days ago, I posted a thread about how a guy I dated for a little under four months back in 2004 just e-mailed me -- a very brief e-mail saying he'd understand if I didn't reply, but that he hoped that his gesture of wishing me well would "denote a caring intention" (whatever that means). Small backstory: Very brief "relationship" -- I put that in quotes because we weren't serious -- no declarations of love or anything, though we were dating exclusively, or so I thought. He broke up with me in an e-mail, saying "I think we should just be friends for now." A few days later, he indicated in an e-mail that he was going away for the weekend with a female "friend" and her family (why he told me this, I have NO idea). I was upset at the time, but, a few months later, after sporadic e-mail contact -- all initiated by me (and an admission that he was with someone else who "makes me very happy"), I moved on. Never contacted him again, nor he me. I completely forgot about him, other than the occasional mention of him on ENA (using him as an example of how NOT to break up with someone). Other than that, haven't given him any thought. I haven't even wondered what he's doing, how he is -- nothing. I have no feelings for him and wouldn't consider giving him another chance if he wanted one.

 

I DID respond to his e-mail, VERY briefly/vaguely, thanking him for the well-wishes and stating that things are good in my life and that I feel very fortunate and grateful for that. My response asked NO questions, left NO room for a response. Why did I respond? Well, firstly, because I am not someone who just ignores people unless they were really awful to me (i.e. my grade school bully making a friend request on FB, my crazy college roommate who made my life hell, etc.) Mainly I responded because I was curious as to why someone would contact someone they dated SO briefly, SO long ago, after having NO contact for so long. I had a theory, and I think it's been confirmed.

 

This guy is married. He doesn't know I know, but he is. After I got his e-mail the other day, I Googled him, because I had a hunch. Indeed, he's been married since 2005, a year after he broke up with me. As of February of this year (I found something on Google listing he and his wife as donors to their church), he still was. My mom and a couple of my friends suggested that he's e-mailing because he's unhappy in his marriage -- or, at the very least, bored -- and that he's probably hitting up old girlfriends to see if he can get a bite. Some posters on ENA said the same thing.

 

Well, it seems everyone was right. He responded to my response -- the one that I felt was VERY closed-ended -- and said he would like to "grab some coffee or a bite to eat to catch up." WHA????

 

Obviously, I'm not meeting this guy -- for coffee or anything else. Like I said, I have no interest in him --and haven't for years -- and as far as I know, he's married, so it would be totally inappropriate to meet with him, in my opinion (though even if he weren't married, I wouldn't meet him anyway). My question to you all is this: How should I respond? My options are these:

 

a) No response;

 

b) Respond, declining his request with no explanation as to why;

 

c) Respond, making up an excuse (i.e. "too busy," whatever);

 

d) Respond, letting him know I know he's married and that I don't think it's appropriate for us to meet up.

 

Quite frankly, I REALLY want to do d, because I'm floored that this guy is married and is trying to meet up with me -- someone he dated YEARS ago, dumped apruptly, and hasn't contacted since. His intentions are clearly NOT good, and I really want him to know that I know that. However, if I admit I know he's married, I will have to admit I Googled him -- the only reason I did this, though, is because of the hunch I had that his contacting me wasn't just to wish me "well." My recollection of this guy is that he had a huge ego, and that he is VERY concerned about looking like the "good guy" even when he treats people badly.

 

So...thoughts? Please, no lectures about how I shouldn't have responded in the first place. I had my reasons for doing so, and I don't regret doing it. Now that I'm reasonably certain as to what his motives are, I'm wondering if I should respond, and if so, how.

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

[pl3asehelp]

I'm with you - option d. He's just trolling for some strange - definitely not above board for a married guy. Probably sending similar stuff to anyone he thinks he might have a shot with.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm with you - option d. He's just trolling for some strange - definitely not above board for a married guy. Probably sending similar stuff to anyone he thinks he might have a shot with.

 

I agree with you; my mom AND several others -- including ENA'ers -- said that he's probably e-mailing LOTS of old girlfriends. I'm really, really leaning toward option d, honestly, because I want him to know that I'm aware he's married and what he's doing -- or, what he's TRYING to do.

 

I don't see ANY other reason why a guy I dated so briefly, so long ago would even contact me, let alone asking me to coffee or lunch. There just seems no reasonable explanation other than that he's up to no good -- at the very least, trying to get ego boosts from other women.

[GrowingUp85]

I would go with option b. You should be assertive and tell him you're not interested, so that gets rid of option a. I don't like lying, and that's all option c is. If you tell him you're too busy, he may just try again later. Option D provides him some more ammo to come back at you and discuss his (failing?) marriage, so I'd go with as little detail as possible.

[browneyedgirl36]

I would go with option b. You should be assertive and tell him you're not interested, so that gets rid of option a. I don't like lying, and that's all option c is. If you tell him you're too busy, he may just try again later. Option D provides him some more ammo to come back at you and discuss his (failing?) marriage, so I'd go with as little detail as possible.

 

Great points, especially your point about how he could come back with a sob story about his marriage and how it's failing/over/unfulfilling, whatever. That sob story wouldn't work on me, fortunately -- if a guy is in a relationship at all, even if it's "failing" -- I want nothing to do with him, but yeah, it will just escalate the conversation, and I'd prefer NOT to do that. Food for thought. I will do a bit more thinking on this...

 

Keep the thoughts coming, folks. This is quite helpful!

[25thfloor]

I think no response is the best response. It keeps the other person constantly wondering and checking email to see if you responded. It's the best response.

[Cheetarah]

If you went with Option D, he'd likely get an ego stroke out of thinking that he was significant enough for you to google him. And isn't/wasn't he the arrogant type?

 

I'd go with B. Something short and sweet, like "I'll have to pass. Take care of yourself."

[HeartGoesOn]

I vote for option B, no explanation required.

 

I wouldn't give him the honor of knowing that you took the time to Google him. Also, take comfort in the fact that you didn't end up being the wife sitting at home, while he's out shopping around for women.

[Ms Darcy]

Haha, well out of curiosity I would respond:

 

"Sure we should do that. I would love to grab lunch with you and your wife."

[browneyedgirl36]

I vote for option B, no explanation required.

 

I wouldn't give him the honor of knowing that you took the time to Google him. Also, take comfort in the fact that you didn't end up being the wife sitting at home, while he's out shopping around for women.

 

Yeah...*shudder* Even at the time, I think I knew he and I wouldn't work out...and, putting myself in his wife's position, I would be beyond furious if I found out my husband was contacting ex-girlfriends from years ago.

 

This is why I don't understand people who get involved with married people. Don't they think for even ONE second how they would feel if a spouse cheated on them? Ugh.

[browneyedgirl36]

Haha, well out of curiosity I would respond:

 

"Sure we should do that. I would love to grab lunch with you and your wife."

 

HAHAHAHAHA! We have a winner!

 

I love this. I wish I could get up the guts to do it.

 

I think I have a bit of thinking to do on this...hmmmm....

[Pleasedonot5]

Depends. How do you want him to feel?

 

Option B would make him feel rejected, but would make a point.

 

Option D is honest and spares feelings of rejection. If he asks how you knew, you could always say a friend brought it up to you back in 2005.

 

I like either response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Depends. How do you want him to feel?

 

Option B would make him feel rejected, but would make a point.

 

Option D is honest and spares feelings of rejection. If he asks how you knew, you could always say a friend brought it up to you back in 2005.

 

I like either response.

 

Good points...I am not really inclined to say anything that would make him feel bad, but...I admit that there's a part of me that thinks, "I don't owe this guy anything. He dropped me like a hot sack of garbage and never looked back, and NOW he wants to see me?" I also really DO want him to know that he's not getting away with anything -- at least not with me -- hence my desire to reveal that I know he's married. I have somewhat of an *overactive* sense of justice -- I know this about myself -- and I hate the idea of someone trying to pull a fast one on me -- or on his wife -- and NOT pointing out to him that I know his intentions are crap.

 

More thinking required....

[Batya33]

Perhaps they're separated despite showing up as married on google?

[lostandhurt]

How about "E"

 

Tell him "I don't know if that is a good idea" "are you single" Then let him hang himself with his own rope. It sounds to me like he is a pretty shady person and I know it isn't our place to teach him a lesson but in my opinion the more we ignore this stuff the more people think they can get away with it.

 

Selfishness is all to common these days and that is why people cheat with no regard for the ones they are betraying, married or not.

 

Taking the high road might be best here but I would be tempted...

 

Lost

[browneyedgirl36]

Perhaps they're separated despite showing up as married on google?

 

My best friend just suggested this -- I suppose it is a possibility. I still don't think meeting with him is a good idea anyway. While I am somewhat curious about what he wants, I don't have any interest in having a friendship or anything else with him. There just wasn't enough of a foundation -- friendship or otherwise -- built way back in 2004 for me to want to "catch up" and go forward with any sort of relationship -- even just correspondence -- with him.

 

Despite not having any feelings for him anymore (and despite the fact that I was never "in love" with him even back then), I admit this is bothering me. The fact that this guy wrote me off, rather coldly, in an e-mail and then, out of nowhere, decided to contact me "to catch up" after years of not even ONE e-mail or text passing between us -- just doesn't sit well with me. It smells fishy, first of all. And, I don't know...it just seems arrogant of him to think that I'd be eager to meet up with him -- or even talk to him -- after all this time when he ended things the way he did and quickly moved on to someone else.

 

Thanks for your response. I hope to read more responses as I decide what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a few days before responding to be sure that I do what I think is the best thing.

[browneyedgirl36]

How about "E"

 

Tell him "I don't know if that is a good idea" "are you single" Then let him hang himself with his own rope. It sounds to me like he is a pretty shady person and I know it isn't our place to teach him a lesson but in my opinion the more we ignore this stuff the more people think they can get away with it.

 

Selfishness is all to common these days and that is why people cheat with no regard for the ones they are betraying, married or not.

 

Taking the high road might be best here but I would be tempted...

 

Lost

 

This is exactly how I've been feeling. I am VERY much a "taking the high road" person, which is exactly why I didn't tell him what I really thought of him, both way back when, when he ended things with me the way he did AND when he contacted me a few days ago. I try REALLY hard, regardless of what might be going through my head, judgements-wise, to NOT jump on someone in a judgemental way. But, that side of me -- that "overactive sense of justice" side, HATES it when people get away with stuff that, really, they should have to learn a good, hard lesson about, and it's hard to hold my tongue. I don't want him to feel bad; I just want to convey the idea that, "Hey, dude! What you're doing here seems a bit shady!" Actually, in my response back to his initial e-mail, I pointed out how long it had been -- in response to his comment that it had been "a few years" since our last contact. A FEW? Try almost a DECADE. So, I wrote back something like, "Indeed, it has been more than a few years, so I'm a bit surprised to be hearing from you." I wanted to convey the idea that it was pretty surprising to me that he'd randomly contact me out of nowhere after wanting nothing to do with me for the better part of a decade.

 

I guess I just don't understand the thinking of some people....

[25thfloor]

I was on dating sites for years, and people don't care about the lesson you teach them. A person is what they are.... unethical, selfish....a cheater....not matter what you say. you mean nothing to him so why would your words mean anything to him? Just a perspective....and A LOT of time on those dating sites!

[browneyedgirl36]

I was on dating sites for years, and people don't care about the lesson you teach them. A person is what they are.... unethical, selfish....a cheater....not matter what you say. you mean nothing to him so why would your words mean anything to him? Just a perspective....and A LOT of time on those dating sites!

 

This is a good point too. You're right, many -- perhaps most -- people don't really care about learning something; I doubt my response would change anything for this guy. He'll just move on to the next one. And, your point about me not meaning anything to him -- exactly why I don't want to see him anyway, married or not. I find it REALLY suspect that after such a brief relationship, all those years ago, he really wants to get to know me again. Something smells rotten, to me anyway. I doubt he's been thinking of me all the time and has anything of substance to say.

[lorelaijones]

Girl, that's your chance.

Just make him feel rejected. Someone suggested "Thanks, I'll have to pass", I think it would be perfect.

Sounds like you would not bother to move a finger to see him.

[eternalsunrise]

The saying that curiosity killed the cat is true! If I were you, I wouldn't respond at all. Block him and move on. Why? Because any way you respond could lead to conversation that leads to you getting conned by a sob story. You may get caught up in something that serves no good purpose for you.

[dasilver]

I think i have to agree with the all the other posters that said option b).....A simple..."Thanks but no thanks but it was nice hearing from you. Take care of yourself". Then block him and move on.

 

He treated you poorly years ago....he will do it again without doubt.

 

I also agree with the poster that wrote that he could have sent that email to 5 other ex girlfriends....

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for all the posts so far, folks!

 

Let me say that there is NO chance of me being conned by this guy again. If I still had some feelings for him (if he were my most recent ex, for example), I might be susceptible, but...it's been too long, and I'd all but forgotten this guy so long ago that no matter what he says/does, no matter what sob story he has, I'm not interested.

 

That said, however, I agree that I shouldn't remain in contact with him, mainly because there really is no point, and I'm puzzled as to why he'd think there is. As people have said here, though, most likely he's fishing for an ego boost/affair partner/booty call...what have you. Whatever the reason, there's no point. My best friend, who tends to be more likely to give someone like this the benefit of the doubt (and who has a long string of losers she's been involved with, many of whom she still talks to, for reasons unfathomable to me) suggested that "maybe he wants to apologize for how he treated you way back when." Ummm...I doubt it. I doubt this guy sees ANYTHING wrong with how he broke up with me and how he acted afterward. I'd be surprised if he even remembered!

 

Even if he's divorced or separated, I don't see a point in meeting him. I don't hate him, or resent him, or hold any grudges...I just don't see the point. Now, my very first ex, the one I was with for nearly 5 years -- he and I are friends, though we're mainly in contact via e-mail. He and I had a long relationship, though, and we were always really good friends, so if he called me up and said 'Hey! I'm in town, so let's meet up!' I would. He's married, but he'd either bring his wife OR he wouldn't meet me without asking her first if it was OK. I know he doesn't have a hidden agenda, and it would be strictly platonic. I'd happily meet up with him because he was -- and is -- a real friend. This guy...we were never friends. We didn't have a long enough time together to even establish a friendship or anything even resembling one.

 

Anyway...still pondering how to respond. I will respond, in some way, but still thinking about how.

[lavenderdove]

OK, if you know for sure he was married in Jan., at most he is separated now and looking for a rebound to comfort him thru his divorce, and then he dumps you yet again when he's feeling better. And worst case he is married and trolling for women who will agree to spice up his life in an affair, or he'll just lie and claim to be single in hopes of picking up some quick sex on the side then bolting again.

 

Everybody googles everybody these days out of just curiosity, so nothing wrong in him knowing you googled him. I'd take option D. Just tell the truth! He's an ex, he's married, and you're not interesting in hanging out with married guys who are exes because you think it's inappropriate. Doesn't matter what HE thinks at this point, matters what YOU think and frankly married guys trying to hook up with exes is skeevy.

 

And if he's separated it would just be another round of the same... he had a chance to choose you once and he choose someone else and dumped you like a hot rock, and he'll most likely do the same thing again when he meeets some new woman that strikes his fancy. So i don't see any good coming of this at all... not much upside for you in the deal!

[browneyedgirl36]

This -- the bolded part -- is a big part of why he would NEVER get another chance with me. Once someone makes it clear that I'm not wanted in his or her life, I'm gone. That's it. There's no going back.

 

And yeah...as I said in a previous post, I have no intention of meeting up with him. In fact, I was actually dreading him asking (and had a feeling he would). Yes, as of February this year, he was married (according to a newsletter from his church online, that listed him and his wife -- together -- as donors). Even if he is separated, he's looking for some sort of rebound/comfort/fallback girl, etc. -- that person is NOT me. I'm sure he's got several other exes he can contact, and he's free to do so, for sure!

 

Interesting point about him knowing I Googled him. You're right, it's pretty natural to do so, and I'm willing to bet he Googled me before contacting me; in fact, I'd say it's highly likely he did, because he e-mailed me on my work e-mail address, rather than my home one that he used to use. My work e-mail address, because I work on a college campus, is on the college's website, which means he probably Googled me to get it. So...yeah...not really a big deal these days.

 

Still thinking of what to say in my e-mail when I decline his invitation...more suggestions welcomed!