Was I raped? And was I "asking for it"?

[Lonewing]

And going back to the latter part of your initial question, "Was I raped? And was I "asking for it"?", I dare say no person asks to be raped...well, ok, some DO ask for it, the pervs, but by and large, most normal healthy human beings do not ask to be treated in such a manner. I would say that perhaps what you did was akin to parking your nice car on the wrong side of town and then leaving the keys on the roof, which may be something you can do in a 'safe' part of town [like the driveway in your nice fenced and gated place], but in this part of town, it's the easiest way to get your car flat out stolen.

 

If this is any solace, if there is any decent part in him, he will live with what he did for the rest of his life. The day his conscience wakes up, well, that's his cross to bear. By then, you'll be far from this, I dare say.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Again you are thinking rape is about sex. It isn't.

 

Of course I know rape is about power...and the dominance, rough sex play the OP engaged in is about power...and the guy got carried away with the power.

[Applewhite]

Thank you for that! antibroken I usually admire your well thought out posts, but this one just shocked me. I am too angry/confused to respond to what you wrote but luckily ChrisMac did a nice job.

[Seraphim]

Of course I know rape is about power...and the dominance, rough sex play the OP engaged in is about power...and the guy got carried away with the power.

 

Not everyone who participates in S& M is a rapist or gets "carried away", this was more than that. The man is a rapist who is hiding himself in the S& M community. Rapists hide themselves all over and then people blame the "communities" and behaviors of the victims instead of the right person.

[Seraphim]

It is like blaming a battered woman instead of the husband. What about women who get raped by their husbands? Did they fail at risk assessment too? This is not about "risk assessment" and if you did not do a proper one I get to blame the victim instead of the criminal.

[Roxie84]

Lonewing, I respect your opinion and input. However I am very knowledgable with regards to these types of sexuality. I have close friends who have attended bondage parties have have had real life master/slave arrangements with partners (again, good for them, I don't like or understand it, so its not my thing). I also manage an adult store where I sell bondage products and clothing. A little rough sex and hair pulling is completely different. We never experimented with bondage, and this was not a master/slave arrangement. When such an arrangement is established, she submissive is the master's personal property! Some people only have this arrangement in the bedroom, others make it their entire lives. Either way, I have yet to meet any submissives who say their experiences were traumatizing in any way. The "masters" respected their boundaries, even when they were doing much more extreme activities. What was this guy's excuse?

 

To be blunt, every woman likes to be made love to. But show me a woman who hasn't wanted her boyfriend/lover to smack her bum and call her a **** from time to time. I have yet to meet many girls who don't. I have messed around with a few of my partners like this, they just weren't as intense as this guy. And I NEVER felt violated, out of body, numb, or teared up without actually crying.

 

The arrangement was we would be respectful to one another outside of the bedroom as friends, and in the bedroom he would take control and dominate. Other than that terrible night, I didn't even use the safety word - it was just there. Any of my friends who practice serious BDSM found our arrangement to be tame.

 

I don't feel that you guys are necessarily "victim blaming" but analysing this as "the anal was domination" and "the urinaton was humiliation" - I 100% disagree. As I think Victoria said, rape has nothing to do with sex. If I had to guess what was going through his head when he did these things, I would assume its something a rapist thinks when he is taking control of his victim. The idea that he was practicing erotic humiliation never once crossed my mind.

[OptomisticGirl]

There is def a line etwren rough sex and BDSM. I like my husband to take control in the bedroom and a little rough every now and then but nothing about a spreader bar or ball gag does it for me Lonewing. Definite difference.

[ParisPaulette]

Stop blaming the victim people. It does not matter what you wear or where you are, you should NOT be violated and the ONLY person at fault is the VIOLATOR.

 

Words to live by folks and for everyone to remember, always. In the end the rapist chooses to be a rapist regardless of the circumstances. The same can't be said for those who've been raped. And Victoria66 is right, it's not about sex--it's about anger and hate and power and control over someone else's life. Expressed in a way that normal people just never do.

[Lonewing]

I think there's a fundamental issue here that isn't getting through. I do believe I know what the underlying issue here is, too.

 

The majority of you who are defining what rape is and what sex is and how they are different, are women. Have any of you ever considered for a moment that Sex for a Man may have a different set of emotions attached to it, than Sex for a Woman? For a man, it's about shoving something in, for a woman, it's about getting something shoved in. It's a very different position, though I suppose women can get a similar feeling wielding a strapon. Yes, there is a power aspect involved, and that power does turn people on - sexually. So I will say, as a man I will never fully understand having a vagina or periods or pregnancies, so with all due respect, I'd ask that women not tell men what it's like, or how it feels to have a penis, or what emotions sex evokes when one has a penis instead of a vagina.

 

When he urinated on you, I know exactly what he was doing. When men urinate on something like that, we're basically saying "I have absolutely no respect for you. You are scum" You know that little sticker on the back of trucks where Calvin is peeing on, well, anything? It's the same emotion/expression. In that case, he was Calvin, and you were the "anything." AKA, Humiliation. And not Erotic humiliation either, though it may have been erotic For HIM. For whatever reason, while he was away, you went from being his playtoy to being something much darker. I can only express my deepest sympathy to you for having had that experience - and may it never happen again.

 

As for BDSM, it's my observation that in for it to really fully work, you can't have too many hang ups. And then there are these girls i have run into who have rape fantasies themselves, for your very situation. Hence, "violations" don't occur because they're already deserired on the table. Instead, they simply become "Abuse." In your case, you have a hangup - you refuse anal. My suggestions then stands - if you want to continue pursuing such stuff, seek a guy who is completely turned off about anal. You'll Never have this issue again, unless you decide one day you just don't want to have sex with him anymore, but you want to stay seeing him. In that case, really, just break up and move on. As for urination, I'd say that's another thing to steer clear of unless you really know your man well.

 

I don't know if you should have done anything about it or not. If you wanted to do something, you could have done it then by at the very least getting an exam done so that there was documented proof. You could have very well taken his life apart by doing it, which he may very well deserve. Now you could bring it up now, and tear his life [and her life] apart,if you wished, but then again, you don't know anything about her, and then again, she may already fully know about this side of him. However, at this moment, they're both happy - at least, they're engaged. At the very least, I'd hold yourself together so that if she ever needed a character witness to testify against him should she herself get into this rape situation too, you're ready to go. Otherwise, doing much else seems like it would only make the situation worse and perhaps bring more back on yourself [community stigma, cop ambivalence] than hurt him.

[OptomisticGirl]

Have you ever considered for a moment Lonewing that unless you've been on the recieving end of a rapist/molestor, you can not even begin to fathom what emotions are envoked with 'we women'? Rape has nothing to do with sex, it's the oldest way in the book to gain power over someone. Yes, rapists get off, but that's a by product of the rape. The foremost thing is to feel power, to take away someone else's control and have them have no say in it. It's the purest reason why I am a control freak in my life to the level I am. I've had that control ripped away from me for years before, and it's a very raw feeling. You can sit there and say it has nothing to do with power and only with a penis shoving into a vagina, but my dear Lonewing it is so much more than that. If it were simply shoving body parts into one another rape survivors wouldn't need years and years of therapy. Shoving things into something in itself is not what leaves the scars, it's the emotions felt during that moment. The helpleness, the lack of control... it breaks you down to the smallest level. It doesn't have to do with having a penis inside you that you don't want there, it has to do with the fact you had no control to stop it.

[Lonewing]

The total depth to the emotion? No, I dare say I cannot know that without actually having been in that position. If I said I could, I dare say that would be a great disservice to those who actually have been through it, both women and men.

 

I do believe what I'm saying is that this very power itself can be erotic at a carnal level. And yes, it's a very raw feeling - all of it. We can be honest when we say this: there is nothing "fair" with how biology has produced us, even though we as a society and a species have made great strides socially to balance the disparity. If we were all perfectly equal, we'd all be hermaphrodites. But we're not, this is the hand we're dealt, so we must play it out.

 

You are absolutely right about what rape is on the receiving end. There's no debating this. But to then say that rape is the same thing on the giving end is where the errors propogate. Rape has nothing to do with sex, but then, rape has everything to do with sex. Just what is SEX in and of itself? In your position, you've been reduced to your smallest level. Where was he at this same moment? At His smallest level? On one hand, he has his member in you - that's about as sexual as anything gets for a man- and on the other hand, he has complete control over you. In that moment, I have little doubt that he was on top of the world. Entirely Unfair? Yes. Sex at that point for you, the receiving end, is a mute point; you're receiving nothing, because he's taking everything for himself - everything including the pleasure of brutal sex. It's still sex - but it's bad sex.

 

The element of Control is a sexual stimulant. You see this same arousal in sporting events where it's just a couple guys wrestling on a mat. The things that arouse us, the things that have sexual connotations, how we react to that very idea of control, well, control is power, power is arousing, and arousal leads to sexual aggression. It's not uniquely constrained to one sex, either, both sexes thrive on the element of control - of either being completely in control, or even being completely controlled - as given by how many have the fantasy of simply being taken.

 

I'll simply say that historically, we came from Brutal Sex - the kind of sex we now call rape. We have now evolved towards Gentle Sex - the kind of sex where we recognize that it is every bit as important and as rewarding to give as much as we receive and vice-versa. Most importantly, we recognize that if we nurture the one we have sex with when we have sex, the longer we'll have sex with that one - an important cornerstone towards developing a monogamous culture!

 

As a society, we have socially selected brutal sex out of the social fabric; those who do it are punished, locked up, stigmatized, and tracked. But it's still there as it ever was, or else we would not have these conversations. The component that keep it at bay is subconcious respect that recognizes such an act is wrong. If this conscience has been instilled the wrong way, then the reason for respect is out of potential punishment. If they have been brought up right, then the reason is because this person genuinely respects the other person. In either case, this respect is the thin line that keeps rape from happening and nothing more, because without respect, the word of consent is null.

 

There are ways to remove the respect for the law. One can be widespread activity that contradicts the law. Another can be ambivalent law enforcement who refuse to enforce rule they themselves don't believe in, or make it more painful upon the victim to have a rule enforced than the pain inflicted upon the perpetrator. Another way is invasion, where a new edict takes over and essentially forces their culture upon the conquered.

 

The other way route is to remove respect of the person - either self-inflicted or not.

 

The self inflicted route starts with a desensitization to the idea that the act is bad. I myself find the idea of rough sex abhorant, but only because I do not want to open that pandora's box Within Myself only to then discover that my depths exceed my partner's desires when she opened my box, or have that ruin future partners who are not compatible with that Pandora's Box. I don't know what will come out, and I don't want to find out through hurting someone else. I'd suggest this manner could otherwise be called "baiting," If you slap the tiger in the face, how many times will you be able to slap the tiger before the tiger slaps back?

 

I DO believe that if you are comfortable with your partner going to the fullest depths, and you trust him [or her] to that level of control, where you know you're safe even at that lowest level in their hand, then such acts are within your reach. If you don't, I'd say it's best just not to fool around with the loaded gun if you're not prepared for what might happen when it goes off. In my training we were taught to only point our weapon at that which we wished to permanently maim, destroy or kill. So if you are ok with having that "gun" pointed at you, then do so with that full acceptance that it will work to it's maximum efficiency [which may exceed your maximum threshold], but don't play "halfies" or "kindas" or "just kind of point it at me, but don't really point it at me." You're playing with Pandora's Box.

 

In the non-self inflicted route, something in the perpetrator's environment lowers his opinion of that person to the point where respect for that individual is no longer a consideration. At that point, anything he'd been holding back was now on the table, even if she didn't know it becasue her consent line is no longer respected. And I think this is a huge part of what happened to sailerboy. He went away for a while, and stayed in the company of a great deal many boys who came together to share a disparaging viewpoint of the girls they use for sex. He came back and used her - not her way, but his way; he let her know he was in charge, and did it in the most dispicable way he could have done it.

 

Now regardess of how you get here, in our culture, the end result is wrong. We know this. It is here where our social conscience bears most weight. We know when we do something wrong. We have this way of reminding our culture from time to time about how painful our negative experiences are. If we have done something wrong, it becomes our Scarlet Letter. If this man has half a conscience, he has this cross to bear. He knows what he did. It may be a couple years, nigh, decades before it fully dawns on him, but when it does, it will be his to own. He may have to have a couple kids first, or have his own daughter get raped before he finally understands, but that is his to bear.

 

If he doesn't have a conscience, he'll be locked up in a couple years, for doing the same thing or something similar, divorced, you name it.

[OptomisticGirl]

As I said, until in that position you can never fathom why it's easy for rape survivors to say 'it's not about sex, it's about power' - because for those of us who have been through it, we know this to be true. It's like a serial killer who keeps trophies. The initial killing is intense and in some ways yes, sexual, but long after the killing the trophies remind the killer of that power, that control to take another life. Rape serves the same purpose. The initial rape is sexual but it's the power of knowing days later, months later, years later that you had that power to take. That's why therapy stresses so much on not giving the rapist that continued power. When they realize they no longer do or it no longer cripples you, you have taken that power back from them.

[Trinity11]

HI Roxie,

Wow what an experience. Who knows what happened to this guy while you were away, relationship gone bad, experimenting more and more. If so he should have said what he wanted the new boundries to be so you could agree to try or disagree.

So yes I would say that it was unwilling, and no you did not ask for it if you had set up boundries. The fact that we decided to pee on you makes me think that he has had some bad experience with women to disrespect them like that. It is rather shocking, the change though.

I am sorry to hear that this has happened. You should report it to the websites you used and to the police. Whatever you wore that night, I hope that it has not been washed yet as the police will need it. When you receive it back. Burn it. It might make you feel a little better.

[Lonewing]

OG,

 

It seems we're touching the same elephant, but you have the side and I have the tusk. Hence, it's different, though it's the same.

 

Let put this in terms of something more people understand on a daily basis: Relationships. And let's look at two relationships: the one that ends unexpectedly, and the ONS.

 

In terms of the first case, the Dumper is the Perpetrator, and the victim is the Dumpee. In the second situation, the victim is the used, and the perpetrator is the user.

 

We start with the long-term relationship where suddenly one partner wakes up one day and says "Bye bye, we're over." At least, to us, the other partner, it seems like they just flipped a switch. However, the more we learn about these things, the more we realize that the switch was flipped over the course of days, weeks, or even perhaps months. He didn't lose his respect for Roxie over night, he was losing it all along, but not even he knew it.

 

At some point along the line though, something big happens that triggers the landslide. He went away to training and in the course of that training he met a new ethic - the "unofficial" Seaman ethic, the one the Navy has been fervishly trying to stamp out for...10, 20, 50 years?. His new peers helped him take a fresh look at his situation with roxie, and then they told him what they thought - so he suddenly had 50 new views on his situation. What he learned next was what led to the rape - he learned how not to respect her, at which point she became just a block of meat for his enjoyment.

 

Now a lot of Dumpers ask, "How can he Just not Care Anymore?!" The reality is, he very well doesn't even know you exist anymore. He's that far removed from the incident - and while you're emotionally traumatized by it [or emotionally wrapped around the relationship] he has no such attachment whatsoever. It's gone. Remember, you had an Earth Shattering Emotional Experience Grounded in Physical Trauma. He had…Sex. Earth Shattering sex? Maybe; probably not. Emotional Experience? Not really. Physical Trauma? No, more like Physical Pleasure. See the difference between your experience and his experience? It’s not fair, but everything you felt during that experience was almost entirely not shared. He got a moment, you get the memory.

 

There's finally this other element in the sudden LTR breakup, the claim people make that the Dumper is still in control of their emotions. I've been here, where another human being has apparently destroyed me, and even though they have not been in my life for weeks, they still apparently have control over me. It's the same ordeal; at this point, it is not the other person who is controlling you, but an apparition in your head of that other person who controls you - it's entirely of your own making. Hence, you hold yourself prisoner – and I can understand, it’s very hard to break free from such a cage!

 

The rapist would perhaps be flattered to know that even after so much time you still think he has such control over you, but in reality, his reign over you ended as soon as he left your life. You're just a number, and experience, a memory. The part of the memory he remembers most is not the grand epiphany that you had in that moment. His memory is the pleasure he had in that moment. He may not even know it was rape. In that moment, yes, there was control, and you remember this most; but then, like I said, control is power, and power is a stimulant - particularly with the sex drive. Sex can be a very dark emotion, just as it can be light. His memory is that of rough, brutal sex. Sex.

 

There's this other relationship type, the One Night Stand. It's important to look at the similarities too, because I have met people who have had lots of sexual exploits and are proud of their achievements. One guy I know took my life story and put back to me like this, "so basically what you're saying is, I'm ten years younger than you and I've slepts with 38 more women than you have?"

 

You see what's important to this guy? The trophies are not about power over these girls, or control over those 40, it's about his image of himself. He's a sexual god as far as he's concerned, because he's gifted in the art of bedding women. He can't even remember all their names, and probably doesn't even remember sleeping with some of them, but such details are trite. He has had sex with 40 women, and that makes him a stud in his own mind.

 

Now this may come as a bit chilling or outright disturbing, but I believe ANY man has the potential to be a rapist – nigh, EVERY man. All you have to do is 1) remove the respect he has been taught for women [and others], 2) remove his respect for the law, and 3) remove his respect for the would-be victim. You do that, and rape WILL occur. Any Man, Any Where. Once these three conditions have been met, his victim is no longer an individual or even a human being [a species], but a block of meat with 2 or 3 penis-holes, because let's be honest, the victim doesn't have to be female. The perpetrator further doesn't have to use a penis, either, but really, it's the most common medium to the point it's statistically insignificant to bring up the other side. The point is, that entity that was an individual, a Human Being, has been reduced to nothing more than a mere plaything, to be used, abused and then discarded once playtime is over.

 

This guy I previously mentioned is probably one Respect Step away from being a rapist, though under the law of the land, he probably already is. Here, we have a rule that states no woman is able to consent to sexual activity if she is under the influence of alcohol or other substances. The common sex Drug out here is Alcohol, and just about every guy here relies on it to get laid - as do the girls. In otherwords, we already have Stage 2 met: a wide disregard for the law.

 

He has already been raised with an ethic that does not respect his would-be sex partners as anything but sex-partners - that's a determination most of these men have already made before anything happens - so that removes stage 1 respect. This is perhaps the most chilling Respect to lose, too, because it leads to cultures where sexual, racial and ethnic disparities become reasons enough to incite violence against another individual.

 

This leaves stage 3, Respect for the individual. And here is where the ONS is perhaps limiting the rape statistics; in these situations, the man doesn't really respect the woman, from what I understand, he's just getting some. But it's consensual [by her volition], so he doesn't have to respect her AND it's not rape, either – Win-Win!!!

 

But what happens when this meets someone who says no? Or he's in a situation where nobody will ever find out? We already know what happens downrange in armed conflicts - Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Korea, in all conflicts there have been events - isolated, but still, events. Who knows how many are not reported simply because the only other witness is dead. And we are well aware of how prevalent sexual abuse is.

 

Anyhow, enough for one night. It all goes back to that issue of Respect.

[OptomisticGirl]

Again Lonewing, a rapists' reign does not end simply when the act of sex is done. But again, that's something that one can not understand until put into the position of a survivor. There are reasons we tell new survivors to stand up to their rapsists, to not let the rape go unreported, to stand and face them...

[Seraphim]

The affects of rape are life long. It does not end with the event. There are LIFE LONG emotional scars. LIFE LONG psychological scars. Therapy and time can reduce them but they NEVER go away and they invade every aspect of your life.

[lukeb]

The affects of rape are life long. It does not end with the event. There are LIFE LONG emotional scars. LIFE LONG psychological scars. Therapy and time can reduce them but they NEVER go away and they invade every aspect of your life.

 

The OP was describing a rape scene yes but she doesn't sound like a rape victim, the way she describes the incident. (not what she describes) It seems to me if you were raped you would know you were raped, there shouldn't be a need to ask someone opinion on it. I dont know about any of you but if I were raped or otherwise violated I would know it. I get the sense the OP enjoys talking about it, and I guess if you are into submission/domination the possibility of something like this happening is the ultimate turnon. Yes safewords are used, but it is really the possibility of things getting out of control and the safeword not working, that possibility is what turns someone on to the whole scene. If the S/M sex is completely safe, then it really isn't S/M sex. By her own admission she doesn't seem to have any emotional trauma about the incident. Perhaps she is more disappointed the "rapist" cut all contact with her? She took risks and she was well aware of those risks.

[OptomisticGirl]

Lukeb, that is so fantastic you would know what you would do if raped. Truly. However it's never that cut and dry. Even as a survivor if it ever happened again I can not say with 100% how I would react. I know what I would like to do but actually doing it is completely different. Not everyone has the fight response when raped. And not everyone becomes emotional about it. I can sit with you and look you right in the eyes and calmly (without ever shedding a tear) tell you in detail what my stepfather did to me. So much so it unnerved every therapist I ever had. Do not think simply because someone is in a particular lifestyle that they deserve to be raped, or that they wouldn't know. Rape is not always clear cut.

[Seraphim]

Lukeb, that is so fantastic you would know what you would do if raped. Truly. However it's never that cut and dry. Even as a survivor if it ever happened again I can not say with 100% how I would react. I know what I would like to do but actually doing it is completely different. Not everyone has the fight response when raped. And not everyone becomes emotional about it. I can sit with you and look you right in the eyes and calmly (without ever shedding a tear) tell you in detail what my stepfather did to me. So much so it unnerved every therapist I ever had. Do not think simply because someone is in a particular lifestyle that they deserve to be raped, or that they wouldn't know. Rape is not always clear cut.

Awesome post. Yes, you have NO idea how you would react Lukeb. I have been raped more times than I even remember. When I was date raped as an adult I did not even consider it a rape because I felt I "deserved" it and I never thought of it again. It was most definitely raped.

[lukeb]

I guess it does come down to beliefs, and I don't believe it. I do see rape as a clear cut thing. Sane people deserve the right to make choices and we take risks in every other aspect of our lives, why shouldn't sex and be included in that? She consciously make a decision to be dominated, she put herself at risk on purpose as a sexual turn on. Did she make a mistake? That is really for the OP to decide, not us. If the OP figures she made a mistake, she can decide to adjust her choices in life. By her own admission she hasn't been permanently emotionally scarred by the experience, she certainly hasn't been physically permanently injured. Yes there is a point where we can say she is being such a damage to herself and at a certain point the state could intervene and say we can't allow you to make those choices for yourself. That there is enough evidence to be reasonably sure she is insane and can't be held responsible for her life's decisions. Where the scales tip on that is a judgement call, and unfortunately is not clear cut and different for everyone.

[OptomisticGirl]

So if you see rape as a clear cut thing lukeb, answer me this. Couples in the BDMS lifestyle have a safeword (the equal to saying no). This word is figured out and a partner is to use it if things start to get out of control or the person feels uncomfortable. The other person (according to the lifestyle) must then stop all activities. So the partner says the the safeword and the other partner doesn't stop. They keep going, even after the safeword (no) has been issued.

 

What about that is not clear cut rape?

 

Would it be rape to you if she had said no instead of the safeword? Must a rape victim say no a specific amount of times for it to be considered clear cut rape?

 

On the other point... I don't give a crap if you walk in a dark park in the middle of the night - if your raped, you weren't asking for it. Did you make a stupid, careless error by walking in the park at night by yourself? Most def. But rape happens even in the confines of a safe, loving, home (as most rapes happen by someone you KNOW). It's the same thing for those who say a scantly clad woman is 'asking for it' - it's obsured. It's putting the blame on the victim rather than putting the blame were it should be.

 

I wish I had $1 for every time a survivor told me 'I'm okay, this isn't/hasn't effected me emotionally'. I'd be a damn millionarie by this point. Even I who healed in a clinical way was effected emotionally. Not right as the event happened, not even a few years after it happened, but there are scars. Most survivors don't realize they will have them until put in a simlar situation (even simply having sex with someone you are dating) arises.

[Lonewing]

It IS clearcut.

 

Rape begins at that point at which she says NO, whether she says the word, the words, whatever words, in any language, or not! Period. Because every inch of force after that "No" is force against her will, and by having her will compromised, her control of the situation is taken away; thus she is raped.

[Roxie84]

Thanks OG and Lonewing.. despite my feelings, I've taken everyone's feedback constructively and with an open mind. Luke, I am not even regarding with a response. I have no desire to give attention to anyone who needs to go on a forum, where people are here to help one another, and call a person "insane."

 

I know I've been sitting quiet, but this forum is quite active so I've been reading what everyone has to say. And I appreciate the support from those who understand my position and what my intentions were.

[Seraphim]

Luke according to statistics more than half of the female members of YOUR family have been raped as well by someone they know. Ask them for their perspective. I know in my family I was raped by 5 different people, 4 of them were people I knew and I was a child. My mother was raped as a child by someone who knew the family. One of my aunts was raped and 3 of my 4 female cousins were raped. These are the female members of my family I know about I am sure there are more. Ask your family members.

[lukeb]

Thanks OG and Lonewing.. despite my feelings, I've taken everyone's feedback constructively and with an open mind. Luke, I am not even regarding with a response. I have no desire to give attention to anyone who needs to go on a forum, where people are here to help one another, and call a person "insane."

 

I know I've been sitting quiet, but this forum is quite active so I've been reading what everyone has to say. And I appreciate the support from those who understand my position and what my intentions were.

 

 

I never said you were insane, in fact it doesn't sound like you are at all. I also said many people put themselves at risk in all aspects of their lives including sex, that doesn't make them insane. Even people that purposely put themselves at risk for sexual gratification aren't necessarily insane. It is important to manage those risks to get the maximum benefit out of the experience. Did you tell someone you were meeting with this guy, did you say where you were going, things like that need to thought about ahead of time. Some people are into pretend S/M where they roleplay, some people are into a more real experience where they really don't know what the outcome will be. You are responsible for managing those risks unless you are insane, then you can not be held responsible, again I don't believe you are. You may explore the S/M scene further, I don't think there should be laws around that tell you you can't. He has responsibilities too, just like you. I can't answer the question exactly where those start, we never heard his side of the story.