Was I raped? And was I "asking for it"?

[OptomisticGirl]

Did you misread the part were this was not the first time they had met?

[greywolf]

OP, I think that a lot of posters here don't understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship, and to say that engaging in D/s puts you at higher risk for rape is just preposterous, IMO.

[Seraphim]

OP, I think that a lot of posters here don't understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship, and to say that engaging in D/s puts you at higher risk for rape is just preposterous, IMO.

I agree. The lifestyle does not create rapists. There are rapists everywhere and in every "community" you just happened to find one unfortunately.

[orange1234]

I'm very sorry OP for what happened to you.

 

But I think I sort of agree with the above post. I know he went against the agreement and he was WRONG but I'm actually surprised that so many people are so sure that this incident can be defined as a rape incident. I thought 'rape' was when the victim did not want sex at all. Realistically speaking, is it even possible to agree to have rough sex but no anal? The only scenario in which this seems possible is if you were in a serious relationship with full trust. In this particular case where two people met for the sole purpose of sex, the agreement seems almost nonsense/invalid. People can get carried away so easily.

 

If this is in fact 'rape', what if a girl agreed to have a one night stand with a condom, and the guy took it off when he was doing her doggy style? She only realizes when he ejaculates inside her. Now was she 'raped'?

[Batya33]

I think you were raped and I think you put yourself in a risky situation with this person but that doesn't make you less of a victim. When I was sexually assaulted I had gone back to the guy's apartment the second time we met and agreed to go into his bedroom although told him in advance I wasn't ready to have sex. He still tried to hold me down and have sex. Not surprisingly he also harassed several of my friends when he later was on on line sites. I went through the same ambivalence as you wondering if I "asked for it". I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Seraphim]

So in a marriage which is also a sexual contract it is ok for the husband to keeping having sex after the wife says no?? Because you have sex once does not mean they have the right to continue after you have said NO.

[orange1234]

So in a marriage which is also a sexual contract it is ok for the husband to keeping having sex after the wife says no?? Because you have sex once does not mean they have the right to continue after you have said NO.

 

I think consent is required before each sex (even in marriage) so I'll say the wife was 'raped' if she said 'No, I don't want to have sex' and the husband still forced her. But the OP did agree to have sex. I'm just saying it seems pretty naive to me that everyone thinks the no anal agreement was valid in this context.

 

Either way, would you say the girl was 'raped' if the guy ejaculated inside her without consent? If that does count as being 'raped', I will agree that the OP was indeed 'raped'.

[Seraphim]

The thing is EVERY person has a right to say how they want their body treated. If you do not want a certain action done to your body you have a right to say NO at any stage of the game." I was too carried away" is not a defense.

[orange1234]

The thing is EVERY person has a right to say how they want their body treated. If you do not want a certain action done to your body you have a right to say NO at any stage of the game." I was too carried away" is not a defense.

 

So was I 'raped' when a guy I agreed to sleep with ejaculated inside me without consent? I never had the chance to say NO because I only realized what he had done when it was too late. (We had agreed on using a condom.)

[Seraphim]

He violated your body yes. Every single person has a right to say NO to ANYTHING they do not want done, yes. Because she agreed to sex does not mean she agreed to anal sex. She explicitly said she did not want that. They had explicit rules which he purposefully ignored even when she was yelling NO. " I got carried away" means I do not not want to be responsible for my actions. Even in sex one is responsible for their actions.

[orange1234]

Okay thanks, that actually makes me feel much better. I'd always blamed myself for being so stupid to trust a stranger. Now I can think of myself as a 'victim'.

[Seraphim]

You do not need to be a "victim", there another word. SURVIVOR. A survivor is proactive.

[Lonewing]

So in a marriage which is also a sexual contract it is ok for the husband to keeping having sex after the wife says no?? Because you have sex once does not mean they have the right to continue after you have said NO.

 

Me personally, "No" inside the confines of a marriage is a "no questions asked" line towards separation. As soon as one person is saying No, and I don't mean once in a while or now and then, but most of the while and as the rule, well, that relationship has become a dictatorship and a power stuggle. It begins with her holding her power over him, and it ends with him taking that power from her. This is no longer a "marriage," though at one point marriage would have supported the man taking full control of the relationship - and doing what we would now call rape.

 

Marriage is about give and take - some days you give, other days you take. When your partner comes to you and says, "I need this," you give it to them, just as wehn you need something, you go to them and say, "I need this" - within reason. "I don't want to anymore" doesn't cut it. She is his sole source for sexual pleasure, and this whole "Love is enough to cancel out the need for Sexual Pleasure" BS is just that: BS. It's a psychological attempt to mentally control the needs of others by making them feel guilty for having that need.

 

If she does say "no," she shouldn't be upset if he finds a Mistress who says "yes." If he's of decent moral fiber, he flat out files for divorce and gets rid of the negative situation once and for all. Otherwise, he's stuck in the "If I take sex from her, she'll scream rape; if I don't take sex from her, my needs are not fulfilled."

No one should tolerate being controlled in that manner. Hence, if he's of good moral fiber, he divorces her on grounds that she has failed to uphold her marital obligations.

[Seraphim]

That is not what I am talking about. I am not talking about a woman having a head ache for 3 weeks continuous. I DO think a woman no matter wife or not has a right to say she does not want to perform a sexual act.

[OptomisticGirl]

Victoria is talking about in the instance a wife says no and a husband does it anyway. Not that she says no on a continuous basis or what not.

[Lonewing]

You can cookiecutter it all you want, but in the end a "no" is a "no."

 

If it's a regular act, we all have the right to say "no," now and then, no problem. The problem arises when that instance becomes a trend. Then it's a very serious problem indeed.

 

Now let us say it's an irregular act - something such as anal. I do believe everybody has the right to say yes or no, too. However, I do believe this is a clearcut case of "you shouldn't even be married in the first place." AKA, sudden death. If you are already married, then it's time to walk or get an open relationship that allows for that act with consenting partners. Otherwise, there will be issues later; the one who wants the act is not just going to "stop wanting it" just because the other person never wants to do it. If anything, the desire will grow stronger with time because the source is RIGHT THERE, So close and yet So Far.

 

In either case,"No" is a problem.

 

We all have many rights, but there often times when we do not exercise those rights, even though we 'rightfully' could do so.

[OptomisticGirl]

It doesn't matter if a wife says no a million times in a row LoneWing - NO MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IF SHE SAYS NO. If your married and you constantly say no there is a problem but SURELY you aren't advocating husbands ignore those no's and have sex with their wives anyway Lonewing?

[Lonewing]

No, I'm saying the marriage should end or he should be allowed to go eslewhere [i.e., get a mistress, open relationship, etc.]

 

But he should not have sex with her, or it will be rape.

 

So he should get divorced.

 

The whole reason men get married, is for Sex. EVERY other "need" a man has can be met by a fully viable alternative. Sex is the one thing he must have a partner for. Sex is best with a long term partner, and marriage is what makes a long term partner longer term than just an LTR. But if she's declining him, if she's avoiding him, then it's no longer a marriage.

 

Another thing - from what I have read, marriage counselors and divorce attorneys both very rarely ever see couples where the sex life is good. It seems there's a correlation that when sex goes goes, for whatever reason it goes, the relationship soon follows after.

 

No man has the right to have sex with a woman...and no woman has the right to dictate a sexless marriage. The solution is not that the man rapes her, the solution is, the man gets rid of her - the quicker, the better. At least she won't have to deal with that scar for the rest of her life, she'll just have to deal with that other scar that is still legal, divorce.

[lukeb]

I like the post where someone says you don't have to be a victim, but you can be a survivor. I hate the victim mentality, and I like to see people take more responsibility for their safety, and I don't think that is the same as saying blaming the victim. I hope that the incident was a learning experience as I think it is likely she will explore the S/M scene more. If women want equality with men that also means accepting the same responsibility for their safety. Men are far less thought of as victims in society than women are, and men are far more held accountable for their own safety. In S/M one person dominates and the other submits, in essence a non consensual act. The submissives consent to it because they get something out of it. If you are letting a psychopath tie you up you are taking a risk, and you have to decide if that risk is worth the sexual gratification you get out of it. Most would say she got raped, but I can't help but look back on it and think she got lucky and out of if reasonably unharmed, the guy was clearly a nutcase. She can now look back on the experience and as a rational, intelligent but kinky woman, she can look back on the experience as a survivor and learn from it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Simply because some of us use the word survivor an nt victim does not mean we are 'more responsible' for our safety because we call ourselves survivors. I have never called myself a victim and I loath the word, but simply because I use the word does that mean we some how make decisions that put us out of harms way. Some 80% of rapes are by someone you KNOW, not a stranger. The OP had been with this guy multiple times before this, this was not a one night stand. While I believe S/M should be practiced in a loving relationship, there are no guarantees with who will and won't rape you. I don't believe in survivors shutting themselves inside rooms to avoid being raped.

[Seraphim]

Simply because some of us use the word survivor an nt victim does not mean we are 'more responsible' for our safety because we call ourselves survivors. I have never called myself a victim and I loath the word, but simply because I use the word does that mean we some how make decisions that put us out of harms way. Some 80% of rapes are by someone you KNOW, not a stranger. The OP had been with this guy multiple times before this, this was not a one night stand. While I believe S/M should be practiced in a loving relationship, there are no guarantees with who will and won't rape you. I don't believe in survivors shutting themselves inside rooms to avoid being raped.

 

I agree. 80% or more of rapes are by people you KNOW, ie teachers, family friends, your neighbour, your bf, your husband, etc etc........it is not the guy waiting to jump you from the bushes. In fact NONE of the people who raped me jumped out from the bushes. When I was raped as a child ALL the people were known to me and in positions of trust in my life. As an adult I was drugged in a public place and then lead off to someplace while I was drugged. So unless you plan to live in a box you can only protect yourself so far.

[lukeb]

Simply because some of us use the word survivor an nt victim does not mean we are 'more responsible' for our safety because we call ourselves survivors. I have never called myself a victim and I loath the word, but simply because I use the word does that mean we some how make decisions that put us out of harms way. Some 80% of rapes are by someone you KNOW, not a stranger. The OP had been with this guy multiple times before this, this was not a one night stand. While I believe S/M should be practiced in a loving relationship, there are no guarantees with who will and won't rape you. I don't believe in survivors shutting themselves inside rooms to avoid being raped.

 

All of us make decisions that put ourselves in harms way. If you are going to look online for S/M encounters you have to weigh the balance of the risk you are taking against the potential pay-off - sexual gratification. We are not talking about children who get raped by their parents or care givers here. Children aren't capable of making those kind of decisions so we can make a broad stroke and say all of that is rape, although there are plenty of anecdotal stories around who do feel that those childhood experiences weren't necessarily negative experiences. Personally I feel very fortunate that I was never raped as a child but I can envision that some indication by an adult that it was OK to be gay would not have been a totally negative experience and could have been positive. I agree that none of us should shut ourselves in our rooms to avoid getting raped.

[greywolf]

Lonewing, you can't expect someone to always be in the mood for sex. Somedays one person will want sex, and the partner may not, and other days it may be the other way around. I've been in situations where I've been rejected sexually. Some days a guy just isn't in the mood. I can't just say to him, "You get it up right now or I will leave/divorce you." The whole idea just seems ridiculous.

[Donovan79]

I see that stat that marriage counselors and divorce lawyers never see couples where the sex life is good, and while I believe it, I don't think there's necessarily causality where the sex life is producing the good relationship. Instead, I think that when a relationship is good, people are relaxed and attracted to each other and have good sex. And when the relationship goes bad and people stop trusting each other, a dropoff in the sex life is one of the first symptoms.

[Lonewing]

I see that stat that marriage counselors and divorce lawyers never see couples where the sex life is good, and while I believe it, I don't think there's necessarily causality where the sex life is producing the good relationship. Instead, I think that when a relationship is good, people are relaxed and attracted to each other and have good sex. And when the relationship goes bad and people stop trusting each other, a dropoff in the sex life is one of the first symptoms.

 

It's not quite either, it's both at once. When the relationship is good, the sex is good, and when the sex is good, the relationship is good. They're a directly correlated positive feedback system.