Why affairs are wrong?

[Anusha]

Sorry, you knew he was married AND that he had other women on top of that - yet you still pretended that you were the only one for him?

 

I'm sorry, but noboy is so blind unless they actively chose to ignore everything else and only think about instant gratification. When did you find about all the other girlfriends?

 

I didnt think I was the only one,I just though that we had was something more than just casual.And it isnt like he was with those other women while he was with me,he was with them before he started going out with me.When I found out that he was married I questioned him if he had ever cheated on his wife any other time besides with me and he told me about them.That was when I found out about that.

[penelope13]

I don't understand if someone finds out that the other person is a serial cheater that they can still believe they will never have to share that person with someone else again, because 'they are soo special'. Didn't this revelation tell you something about him that he has no character and doesn't take women serious nor respects them (not that you shouldn't have known that before).

 

I'm not trying to make you feel down, but you really need to take the blinders off and start owning up to all of the bad decisions you took while in this relationship. You can only move on and heal when you are willing to admit where your downfalls were

[Anusha]

I don't understand if someone finds out that the other person is a serial cheater that they can still believe they will never have to share that person with someone else again, because 'they are soo special'. Didn't this revelation tell you something about him that he has no character and doesn't take women serious nor respects them (not that you shouldn't have known that before).

 

I'm not trying to make you feel down, but you really need to take the blinders off and start owning up to all of the bad decisions you took while in this relationship. You can only move on and heal when you are willing to admit where your downfalls were

 

Yes I was a bit naive and I tend to be kind of romantic on my relationships so I guess it was that.It was just ilusions I realize it now but by then I couldnt see it and really believed we had something.Plus like I said before Im not much experienced in relationships and never had been with a married before so I really had no clue about all that.But now I learned how they operate and learned my lesson that I should pay more atention on the signs instead of just let my feelings take control.

[Batya33]

I agree with Penelope's comments.

[PhilliesFan001]

Personally I see both parties as equally wrong - there's no one "homewrecker" to me. Both the man who cheats on his wife and the other woman should be ashamed of themselves. The man for being dishonest, disloyal and potentially ruining his family, and the other woman for knowingly getting involved with another woman's husband and helping to destroy a marriage - it's disgraceful behavior.

[PhilliesFan001]

And I agree with the others - I haven't read the whole thread, but you seriously need to just move on and leave this man and his wife alone. Stop worrying about who is at fault or who she should be angry with - just walk away.

[LOSTINTHEDARK]

Like everyone else in this Forum I don't tolerate cheating but this is my sides on this.

 

I used to tell my friends what to do and give them advices about relationship, sometimes I did judge them why things happened but recently I was put into a situation were my belief and values were tested. I never understood those people who experienced this situation until I was placed into. I did have a crush or admire someone, it was tough year for me, but it gives me a lot of lessons in life.

 

Temptation is everywhere, we can't help to fall for a person or be attracted with them, even we are married, but how we act on it is very important.

 

Now back to your question , why affairs is wrong? "for me, I will say the feelings is right but it is in the wrong time and it can never be right..

 

Like what the other poster advice to me, nurture the relationship you have for your husband and learn how to appreciate what you have, and if it is not really working, then figure out the next thing to do.

[Staple]

It's wrong because it does serious emotional damage to the person you're cheating on. When you finally get cheated on yourself you'll know what it's like.

[Anusha]

And I agree with the others - I haven't read the whole thread, but you seriously need to just move on and leave this man and his wife alone. Stop worrying about who is at fault or who she should be angry with - just walk away.

 

Dont get me wrong,I dont mean to be harsh but what about my feelings? All I hear is about his and his wife feelings and how Im bothering them but what about me? And just because I chosed to continue with him even knowing that he was married that doesnt mean that I had to know how it would be like.Like I mentioned about my uncle,sometimes affairs can develop on relationships and not all the time the other woman is just used.So I guess I have the right to be upsed about all that happened.

[OptomisticGirl]

Dont get me wrong,I dont mean to be harsh but what about my feelings? All I hear is about his and his wife feelings and how Im bothering them but what about me? And just because I chosed to continue with him even knowing that he was married that doesnt mean that I had to know how it would be like.Like I mentioned about my uncle,sometimes affairs can develop on relationships and not all the time the other woman is just used.So I guess I have the right to be upsed about all that happened.

 

It actually does mean that Anusha. You knew before you found out he was married he was using you and only wanted your money, you just chose to ignore it.

[penelope13]

You are still playing the victim card ...

[petite]

Time to give up...

[Huntress0527]

Time to give up...

 

Agreed. This thread really has run its course. Everyone is saying the same things over and over again and the OP just isn't getting it.

[Anusha]

Well I just dont agree that I dont have the right to be angry just because I knew what I was geting into.That doesnt change the fact that I was used,played and deceived.Is like you are walking on a quiet street late at night and get robbed,that doesnt make what the thief did any less wrong and he still will go to jail if he get caught.

 

Now that things exploded he want to be left alone to preserve his marriage? Well he didnt seem much concerned about that when he was taking my money a while ago.So now I should just let it? That would be showing him that is ok to use me and just discard me when he doesnt need anymore.

[avman]

Well I just dont agree that I dont have the right to be angry just because I knew what I was geting into.That doesnt change the fact that I was used,played and deceived.Is like you are walking on a quiet street late at night and get robbed,that doesnt make what the thief did any less wrong and he still will go to jail if he get caught.

 

Well but that's not quite an accurate comparison. What would be more accurate was if you walked down a dark street late at night where 20 people had warned you before you left that you absolutely should not walk down that street because there are robbers out right this very second waiting to attack you. Then you get attacked and for some reason act surprised that it happened.

 

Now I can understand you are grieving the loss of this person. That is a normal response. It is the fact that you are acting shocked at how things turned out that has people here shaking their heads.

[OptomisticGirl]

Anusha, you showed him that was okay by letting him do it in the first place. Nothing you do now is going to change that fact.

 

Well I just dont agree that I dont have the right to be angry just because I knew what I was geting into.That doesnt change the fact that I was used,played and deceived.Is like you are walking on a quiet street late at night and get robbed,that doesnt make what the thief did any less wrong and he still will go to jail if he get caught.

 

Now that things exploded he want to be left alone to preserve his marriage? Well he didnt seem much concerned about that when he was taking my money a while ago.So now I should just let it? That would be showing him that is ok to use me and just discard me when he doesnt need anymore.

[Anusha]

Ok I get that but how leting him alone can benefit me? It will be giving him what he want,peace to move on with his life and to try to pretend that he cares about his marriage.He cant use me and just abandon me like that when things get hard.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes he can Anusha. You were not in a relationship with him - not a healthy, true one. He used you from the beginning. Leaving him alone lets you be a healthy adult and move on.

[penelope13]

How can you benefit by letting this go?

 

You could start to invest the necessary energy and focus onto yourself and your own behavior. This would enable you to learn from this experience and make sure that something like this would not occur again in your life. This would also be the first step towards healing and becoming a healthy person to enter a relationship with someone new and experience how a healthy relationship feels like.

[Batya33]

Ok I get that but how leting him alone can benefit me? It will be giving him what he want,peace to move on with his life and to try to pretend that he cares about his marriage.He cant use me and just abandon me like that when things get hard.

 

He didn't use you once you knew he was married. Then you agreed to be with him and be in contact with him. I agree with Penelope. He didn't abandon you because he was never in a real relationship with you.

[Anusha]

Well maybe sueing him wont work but I can turn his life in a living hell so he will get his lesson.

[Batya33]

Well maybe sueing him wont work but I can turn his life in a living hell so he will get his lesson.

 

And think about what that would do to your life - if you spend all that negative energy on that goal what kind of man is ever going to want to be with you -of course word will get around how you reacted and behaved and even if you don't end up severely injured no man is going to want to be involved with a person who would behave that way. Then the married guy wins again -is that what you want?

[OptomisticGirl]

Well maybe sueing him wont work but I can turn his life in a living hell so he will get his lesson.

 

Which makes you no better than him Anusha.

[avman]

Well maybe sueing him wont work but I can turn his life in a living hell so he will get his lesson.

 

You are the one who will learn the lesson. With harassment criminal charges, restraining orders, and so on. All that will do is convince his wife that you are a total nut job

[Huntress0527]

I understand the pain you must feel I really do and you're taking the hurt and turning into wrath. This is not healthy for you- mentally, emotionally, physically etc. You just have to learn to let go of the anger and spitefulness and move on with your life. Once you accept that it's over and move on you'll be in a much better state of mind.