Why affairs are wrong?

[gingerlemon]

How old are you?

[Anusha]

Yes. You want to crawl around in the gutter like a cheater, you see the worst side of humanity. Everyone is only looking out for themselves and will sell anyone out to protect themselves. Exactly how his wife views you, btw.

 

I wasnt doing that.I protect him many times and never ever threw the whole blame on him to protect myself.I argued and lied to my parents milion times(to the point that my brother even stayed without talking to me for months for lieing to him) just to protect him.

[gingerlemon]

I wasnt doing that.I protect him many times and never ever threw the whole blame on him to protect myself.I argued and lied to my parents milion times(to the point that my brother even stayed without talking to me for months for lieing to him) just to protect him.

 

Why did you do all that?

[Anusha]

How old are you?

 

Im 29 but Im not much experienced with relationships.Before him I just had one relationship(that was LD btw) and I didnt go out much either,so lets say that my experience in love is like the one from a teenager.

[Anusha]

Why did you do all that?

 

Cause I loved him.

[pl3asehelp]

I wasnt doing that.I protect him many times and never ever threw the whole blame on him to protect myself.I argued and lied to my parents milion times(to the point that my brother even stayed without talking to me for months for lieing to him) just to protect him.

 

Same thing....

[gingerlemon]

Cause I loved him.

 

Love doesn't justify lying to people around you "a million times" or putting yourself at risk while covering up for someone else's immoral behaviour.

 

You've been doing exactly the same as he is doing right now. Lying to people around you.

[Blue Spiral]

I don't think affairs themselves are wrong. I think dishonesty and hurting other people is wrong. If the affair is honest, and everyone involved is okay with it (no hurting), then it's okay.

 

When people say "affairs are wrong", it tends to imply that the opposite--what I'll call Magic Word Monogamy--is not just right, but somehow sacred. Vows, oaths, etc. are something that we should have phased out of society long ago. When you make a "forever" promise in front of a bunch of people, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

 

I'm a semantics guy: I always say that cheating is wrong. Dishonesty is wrong. Hurting is wrong. But I'd never say that about affairs, as it's a pretty wide-ranging category.

[gingerlemon]

I don't think affairs themselves are wrong. I think dishonesty and hurting other people is wrong. If the affair is honest, and everyone involved is okay with it (no hurting), then it's okay.

 

When people say "affairs are wrong", it tends to imply that the opposite--what I'll call Magic Word Monogamy--is not just right, but somehow sacred. Vows, oaths, etc. are something that we should have phased out of society long ago. When you make a "forever" promise in front of a bunch of people, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

 

I'm a semantics guy: I always say that cheating is wrong. Dishonesty is wrong. Hurting is wrong. But I'd never say that about affairs, as it's a pretty wide-ranging category.

 

I guess the word 'affairs' to me denotes that there is dishonestly involved, while a mutual agreement that it is allowed to go outside the boundaries of monogamy would be an 'open marriage'...

[penelope13]

She still with him and every time I try to show her how he really is she even defend him.The last time I confessed to her we have meet and told her all about his lies she even sided with her sister to keep sending me ofensive texts.I had just told her that her husband cheated and lied to her and she got angry at me!!!! Seriously that was beyond me and even today I dont get it.

 

Let's get real here: you didn't do this out of consideration for her or her marriage - but because you were angry about him and you wanted to hurt him in that moment. You didn't want him to 'get away with it' so you chose to cause even more havoc by rubbing it into her face that he was cheating in the hopes that 'she would make him pay for his betrayal'. I'm not sure if you did it on a conscious level or not, but it shows little to zero care for another human being. You are choosing to be angry with her and her reaction because it keeps you from thinking about your own responsibility in this whole mess.

 

 

I get that all that might not be being easy to her.I just get really frustraded that she will believe on the excuses he is using to turn it all on me,when they would be easialy spoted if she had gave it some thinking.Is like she just believes in all he says without even stoping to think if makes sense first.

 

Don't blame her for something that you have continuously been doing yourself: many, many people tried to open your eyes towards him, but you believed every excuse and lie, even though it was so easy to spot if you had stopped long enough to think about it. You believed everything he said without stopping to think it it makes sense (e.g. the whole aunt story)

 

Im sure she is hurt and probably dont trust him anymore but she is still with him isnt it? She is still geting his atention,time and love.And now he is avoiding me maybe they are more together than ever even.

 

And here is the crux: after all is said and done, you are simply pissed that she still has him, while you don't - because the only thing you care about is having him in your life one way or another. You even said on one of your threads, that you would have continued the affair if he hadn't chosen to drop you like a hot potato. It's another point why you are so angry with her: while she has the choice if she wants to stay with her cheating jerk of a husband - he didn't give you the choice and made the decision for you.

[Blue Spiral]

I guess the word 'affairs' to me denotes that there is dishonestly involved, while a mutual agreement that it is allowed to go outside the boundaries of monogamy would be an 'open marriage'...

 

That's a good point--I'm not really up on all this monogamy-related terminology.

 

It's just hard for me to get very upset/excited over affairs. When marriage actually did last a lifetime, and your spouse had a good chance of being the only person you'd ever had sex with, I can see being upset. But when the latest person you're sleeping with, and probably not the last person you'll sleep with, cheats on you...well, that's just nature, to me. Yeah, some words were said in front of a crowd, but that doesn't really change anything, except legally. The vast majority of our relationships won't work out--I'm talking chronologically. If you're single, every relationship you've had until now has failed. If you're married, and unless you married your first love, the same applies. To me, it's like being shocked that the sun rises every morning. Wow, s/he had an affair, this has surely never happened in the course of history...

[Anusha]

I realize that being with him isnt exactaly a prize but yes it does bother me how he is treating me now(what I guess is natural since I have feelings for him).He just treats me like if Im nothing and all he cares now is to pretend he is concerned about his marriage.Well Im sorry but I dont buy this.He havent cared about it a bit when was convenient for him(meaning when he still needed me) and now all of sudden he does? To me he is just playing an act to his wife so he wont get caught again.I bet she even said something to him like she would give him another chance but that if she caught him one more time it would be over,so that is why now he is on his best behaviour.

[gingerlemon]

Well, there has always been rape and murder as well, but that doesn't really make it better for those at the receiving end. To me, it's not about whether it's surprising or not, it's about the pain it causes.

 

I don't necessarily think we're biologically 'made for monogamy' and I have nothing against anyone who wants to be in a mutually agreed upon open relationship. But I generally think it's a bad idea to lie to your spouse about having sex with someone else if both parties entered willingly into an agreement where they decided to be monogamous with each other. It's easily resolved by being honest and up front with a partner before deciding to have sex with someone else.

[pl3asehelp]

So you expect that your wife would lie to you and have an affair?

[gingerlemon]

I realize that being with him isnt exactaly a prize but yes it does bother me how he is treating me now(what I guess is natural since I have feelings for him).He just treats me like if Im nothing and all he cares now is to pretend he is concerned about his marriage.Well Im sorry but I dont buy this.He havent cared about it a bit when was convenient for him(meaning when he still needed me) and now all of sudden he does? To me he is just playing an act to his wife so he wont get caught again.I bet she even said something to him like she would give him another chance but that if she caught him one more time it would be over,so that is why now he is on his best behaviour.

 

During your affair:

He lied to his wife.

He pretended and put an act on in front of his wife.

He treated his wife like she was nothing.

 

That means he could easily do the same to you. Or are you suggesting that you are somehow 'better' than his wife?

[Batya33]

I realize that being with him isnt exactaly a prize but yes it does bother me how he is treating me now(what I guess is natural since I have feelings for him).He just treats me like if Im nothing and all he cares now is to pretend he is concerned about his marriage.Well Im sorry but I dont buy this.He havent cared about it a bit when was convenient for him(meaning when he still needed me) and now all of sudden he does? To me he is just playing an act to his wife so he wont get caught again.I bet she even said something to him like she would give him another chance but that if she caught him one more time it would be over,so that is why now he is on his best behaviour.

 

He cared about getting into your pants and your wallet. It's none of your business whether he decides to stay with his wife or why he decides to do this.

[penelope13]

I don't understand why it's so hard for you to get that for him it's a big difference if his wife knows about the affair or not (I am NOT justifying his actions at all!!!), i.e. the efforts and risks with your affair significantly increased for him, i.e. the additional stress is not worth the bit of sexual fun and money that he was getting from you in comparison to having to make things right with his wife.

 

That's the things with affairs: they last as long as they require little effort for the cheater; it's all about what there needs are; nowhere is there consideration to either of the other people involved.

 

Don't act so surprised if you have experienced this within your own family.

 

What happened to wanting to move on and start healing?

[Anusha]

I don't understand why it's so hard for you to get that for him it's a big difference if his wife knows about the affair or not (I am NOT justifying his actions at all!!!), i.e. the efforts and risks with your affair significantly increased for him, i.e. the additional stress is not worth the bit of sexual fun and money that he was getting from you in comparison to having to make things right with his wife.

 

That's the things with affairs: they last as long as they require little effort for the cheater; it's all about what there needs are; nowhere is there consideration to either of the other people involved.

 

Don't act so surprised if you have experienced this within your own family.

 

What happened to wanting to move on and start healing?

 

I get your point,it is all about his needs.After his wife found out he completely changed and started acting like if he didnt want anything to do with me.I guess that is the deal braker to cheaters,once they get caught it is game over.

 

And my uncle's situation was diferent cause he left his wife and is happily married with the other woman now.They even have a 6 year old boy.

 

Im still willing to heal and move on,I was just wondering about a few things that were on my head.

[penelope13]

You will not be able to start with the healing process until you shift the focus onto yourself

[Batya33]

I get your point,it is all about his needs.After his wife found out he completely changed and started acting like if he didnt want anything to do with me.I guess that is the deal braker to cheaters,once they get caught it is game over.

 

And my uncle's situation was diferent cause he left his wife and is happily married with the other woman now.They even have a 6 year old boy.

 

Im still willing to heal and move on,I was just wondering about a few things that were on my head.

 

 

I don't think you can generalize from your individual interaction with the married guy.

[Anusha]

I don't think you can generalize from your individual interaction with the married guy.

 

I know,not all of them do that.There is my uncle for example that was brave enough to assume what he did and be with the other woman.I guess when they really fall for the other person they end up leaving and building a future with her but when they are on it just for the benefits(like happened on my case) they just ditch you when they get caught/dont need you anymore.

[Batya33]

I know,not all of them do that.There is my uncle for example that was brave enough to assume what he did and be with the other woman.I guess when they really fall for the other person they end up leaving and building a future with her but when they are on it just for the benefits(like happened on my case) they just ditch you when they get caught/dont need you anymore.

 

And there are many different scenarios than the two you described. I don't think your uncle was brave -he chose to betray his vows rather than first ending his marriage before getting involved with someone else. He could have prevented the hurt to his wife and I'm certain his current wife worries about what will happen if he's tempted again.

In your case he was never interested in a serious relationship with you and you knew that once you found out he was married and probably before when it was clear he was using you for money and sex.

[Blue Spiral]

So you expect that your wife would lie to you and have an affair?

 

That really depends on what you mean, exactly. Should Generic Guy expect his wife to lie and have an affair? No, but he shouldn't be surprised if it happens. Would I expect my hypothetical wife to lie and have an affair? Yes, and not because of my "wife", but because of me. I'm not any woman's picture of an ideal husband, and any woman that made the mistake of marrying me would quickly seek out a more traditional, successful guy. Maybe they wouldn't technically have an affair, but she'd at least find the next guy to jump to before she left me.

[Anusha]

And there are many different scenarios than the two you described. I don't think your uncle was brave -he chose to betray his vows rather than first ending his marriage before getting involved with someone else. He could have prevented the hurt to his wife and I'm certain his current wife worries about what will happen if he's tempted again.

In your case he was never interested in a serious relationship with you and you knew that once you found out he was married and probably before when it was clear he was using you for money and sex.

 

No I didnt know.I mean of course I knew he wouldnt leave his wife for me(and neither did I have asked him for that) but I though we had something yes.I knew I wasnt the first one he has cheated his wife with but I thought with me was diferent.With all the other girls he would behave diferently,they would meet way less often and mainly just for sex.He wouldnt call them daily like he used to do with me or go out to bars,walks on the lake and even to weddings(like he went with me to my friend's wedding).He would meet them now and then and most of them wouldnt last longer than a month.So even though I knew I wasnt his girlfriend (since he was married) I though I was something more than those other girls were to him.Like not as serious as his wife but at the same time less casual than those other girls,if you know what I mean.But obviously I was wrong considerating all that happened later.

[penelope13]

Sorry, you knew he was married AND that he had other women on top of that - yet you still pretended that you were the only one for him?

 

I'm sorry, but noboy is so blind unless they actively chose to ignore everything else and only think about instant gratification. When did you find about all the other girlfriends?