Why affairs are wrong?

[petite]

You are right.Something I learned with all that is that if you get involved with a married man it always will spill on you,no matter what.People will always see me as the wrong one,the one we disrupted a marriage.When he and his wife remain as the victims.

 

No, that isn't what I'm saying. I believe he is not the victim but I also believe that you aren't a victim because you continued to pursue him after you found out he was married. The only victim in all of this is his wife.

[Huntress0527]

The victim is the wife. The husband is not innocent. I'm sure the wife choosing to stay with her husband that cheated is not an easy choice but that's her choice to make. This woman owes you nothing. She doesn't owe you an explanation. She doesn't owe you a reaction. She does not owe you validation.

[Glowguy]

Perhaps if you were on the receiving end of an affair you would understand why it is so wrong. Are traitors to their country highly regarded? No, they are often sentenced to death. To betray someone you pledge your life to is about as wrong as it gets. The fallout from affairs can shatter lives for years. As for the OW receiving the majority of the blame? I disagree - the married party is more at fault. Sometimes the OW/OM is completely deceived to the point where they don't even know the person is married. In that circumstance they really don't deserve any blame at all.

[pl3asehelp]

Are you serious? When you get married you are committing you LIFE with that person.

 

Sure many fail, and if they do, you say goodbye and THEN move on.

 

I don't believe there is one true love for everyone. Therefore anyone can LET themselves fall in love while being married. If you are unhappy in your marriage, why stay and hurt them even more? In my opinion ALL parties in the affair are in the wrong. If a woman is sleeping with a man and she KNOWS he is married, of course she is wrong. The husband is even more wrong for betraying his wife. How hard is that to get?

 

Yes. I thought it was pretty much universally accepted truth that the man is wrong here as well. Strange that's not your take on it OP - probably had something to do with how you got into this situation.

 

IMO you and the married guy were equally guilty. His wife is the only victim.

[Anusha]

I don't think the married person is seen as a victim. If you harass him then he would be a victim of your harassment.

 

That is what I mean,after the whole thing exploded and he started to avoid me that is how I would feel when I tried to contact him.Like I was the wrong one who was disrupting a married couple.It didnt matter if his wife has just called me late at night to question me if I was with her husband(even though I havent been with him for more than 2 months) or if she had bothered my parents with that until they started doubting me again.Or if he owned me some kind of explanation before just disapiering.Anything I did with them would be seen as just wrong and I would be the one harassing them.

[Batya33]

That is what I mean,after the whole thing exploded and he started to avoid me that is how I would feel when I tried to contact him.Like I was the wrong one who was disrupting a married couple.It didnt matter if his wife has just called me late at night to question me if I was with her husband(even though I havent been with him for more than 2 months) or if she had bothered my parents with that until they started doubting me again.Or if he owned me some kind of explanation before just disapiering.Anything I did with them would be seen as just wrong and I would be the one harassing them.

 

It wasn't just seen as harassing -you were actually harassing them by calling repeatedly - no "analysis" necessary. They're a married couple so when you repeatedly call him it probably also bothers her. And, yes, once you chose to see a married man you had to accept the wife's reaction -whether that meant calling you or your parents to see what was going on. As I wrote to you several times don't you realize how lucky you are that all she did was call? You put yourself and your parents in potential danger by your behavior.

[gingerlemon]

That is what I mean,after the whole thing exploded and he started to avoid me that is how I would feel when I tried to contact him.Like I was the wrong one who was disrupting a married couple.It didnt matter if his wife has just called me late at night to question me if I was with her husband(even though I havent been with him for more than 2 months) or if she had bothered my parents with that until they started doubting me again.Or if he owned me some kind of explanation before just disapiering.Anything I did with them would be seen as just wrong and I would be the one harassing them.

 

But Anusha, you WERE disrupting a married couple...

[Anusha]

Yes. I thought it was pretty much universally accepted truth that the man is wrong here as well. Strange that's not your take on it OP - probably had something to do with how you got into this situation.

 

IMO you and the married guy were equally guilty. His wife is the only victim.

 

On my case and on the case I mentioned about my uncle I felt like the OW got most of the blame yes.Maybe that is just here because on my country people excuse that kind of behaviours in men.

[Huntress0527]

Why can't you let this go? Why can't you move on from this? Why do you need that validation from her?

[Batya33]

On my case and on the case I mentioned about my uncle I felt like the OW got most of the blame yes.Maybe that is just here because on my country people excuse that kind of behaviours in men.

 

Oh well. Those are the breaks when you decide to have an affair. I don't think you get to complain when the consequences seem "unfair". Was it worth the sex and hanging out you did?

[Anusha]

It wasn't just seen as harassing -you were actually harassing them by calling repeatedly - no "analysis" necessary. They're a married couple so when you repeatedly call him it probably also bothers her. And, yes, once you chose to see a married man you had to accept the wife's reaction -whether that meant calling you or your parents to see what was going on. As I wrote to you several times don't you realize how lucky you are that all she did was call? You put yourself and your parents in potential danger by your behavior.

 

So now he remembered he is married and want to be left alone? Funy that he didnt seem to mind about it before when he would go out with me and take my money.Now that the his wife found out he sudenly decided to turn into a serious man worried about his marriage and want nothing with me,isnt it funy?

[Anusha]

Why can't you let this go? Why can't you move on from this? Why do you need that validation from her?

 

Im just pissed that once the whole thing exploded I can be easialy discarded and dont even have the right to any explanation(cause if I try to contact him it will seem like Im disrupting his marriage).

[gingerlemon]

So now he remembered he is married and want to be left alone? Funy that he didnt seem to mind about it before when he would go out with me and take my money.Now that the his wife found out he sudenly decided to turn into a serious man worried about his marriage and want nothing with me,isnt it funy?

 

That's what very often happens after an affair. If you want to play the affair game, these are some relatively well established 'rules of the game'. Does it make him a good person? No. But these are the potential consequences you face when entering into someone else's marriage.

 

What I see in your posts is A LOT of blame shifting towards the wife and the husband. Perhaps the reason why you feel that many people are blaming you, is that you don't seem to own your part of this equation at all? I don't ask this to be mean, but I just think you need to face up to your own responsibility in this in order to move on and don't make this mistake again. When I asked you earlier about what you had learned, your answer was about HIM. What have you learned about YOURSELF?

[gingerlemon]

Im just pissed that once the whole thing exploded I can be easialy discarded and dont even have the right to any explanation(cause if I try to contact him it will seem like Im disrupting his marriage).

 

You have an explanation: When everything exploded, he decided to cover his butt as much as possible, even if that involved lying about your relation, and he chose his marriage over you.

 

What did you expect would happen when the truth came out?

[Huntress0527]

Im just pissed that once the whole thing exploded I can be easialy discarded and dont even have the right to any explanation(cause if I try to contact him it will seem like Im disrupting his marriage).

 

I think you need to direct that anger elsewhere. You knew he was married. You knew you were the other woman. When you choose that role you are setting yourself to be used for pleasure and then discarded after he's had his fun. I'm sorry that you didn't understand that when you decided to have the affair but as I said before take this as a lesson and move on with your life.

[Seraphim]

Everything you are suffering now should tell you why it is wrong.

[pl3asehelp]

You have an explanation: When everything exploded, he decided to cover his butt as much as possible, even if that involved lying about your relation, and he chose his marriage over you.

 

Dead right. I mean come on, you need someone to tell you this? His behavior was entirely predictable.

 

This is like asking for an explanation for why a hungry pit bull might bite someone.

 

Look at the state it's left you in - that's just part of why affairs are wrong.

[Anusha]

That's what very often happens after an affair. If you want to play the affair game, these are some relatively well established 'rules of the game'. Does it make him a good person? No. But these are the potential consequences you face when entering into someone else's marriage.

 

What I see in your posts is A LOT of blame shifting towards the wife and the husband. Perhaps the reason why you feel that many people are blaming you, is that you don't seem to own your part of this equation at all? I don't ask this to be mean, but I just think you need to face up to your own responsibility in this in order to move on and don't make this mistake again. When I asked you earlier about what you had learned, your answer was about HIM. What have you learned about YOURSELF?

 

Yes I learned I should never get on this kind of situation again.I feel so stupid to have got on that.How I couldnt see it? Is the perfect scam for the man,he can use you how much he want and when he has enough he can just throw you away and use his marriage to cover it up.He can just ran to the wife and pretend that he wants to work things out and even use her to keep the other woman away.

[Seraphim]

Just remember if it feels crappy doing it, it is probably wrong.

[gingerlemon]

Yes I learned I should never get on this kind of situation again.I feel so stupid to have got on that.How I couldnt see it? Is the perfect scam for the man,he can use you how much he want and when he has enough he can just throw you away and use his marriage to cover it up.He can just ran to the wife and pretend that he wants to work things out and even use her to keep the other woman away.

 

Sorry, but I think you got the pronoun wrong. I understand that you have learned the above. But what I'm asking are things like:

 

What made you get involved with a married man in the first place?

Why did you allow yourself to be used?

Why are you now, in this tread, unwilling to discuss your own responsibility for the situation?

What are you planning to do to avoid such a situation in the future?

[Anusha]

Sorry, but I think you got the pronoun wrong. I understand that you have learned the above. But what I'm asking are things like:

 

What made you get involved with a married man in the first place?

Why did you allow yourself to be used?

Why are you now, in this tread, unwilling to discuss your own responsibility for the situation?

What are you planning to do to avoid such a situation in the future?

 

I feel in love with him and when I found out he was married was too late to leave.And you can call me naive but I really didnt see it coming.I really didnt expect that when things explode that he would just throw me on the fire like that.Specialy not after I had always defend him when my parents went after him.I mean of course I knew he would try to save his butt but I didnt think he would do that on my expense.And I also didnt think he would throw me away like a empty box once he had enough.I thought he would had some consideration and gratitude.Silly I know but I really believed that.

[OptomisticGirl]

Im just pissed that once the whole thing exploded I can be easialy discarded and dont even have the right to any explanation(cause if I try to contact him it will seem like Im disrupting his marriage).

 

ANusha, I've been cheated on. Not by my husband but in a LTR. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was the OW's sorry excuese for why she slept with my SO. You are still trying to make yourself the victim in this when the reality is, you are not. EVERY SINGLE MEMBER on this board told you his 'aunt' was more than likely his wife - you didn't listen to us. We told you he was taking your money and really didn't love you - did you listen? No. Then when you found out he was married, you continued on with the affair. Were in all that does it say you are a victim? It doesn't. You are a grown, adult woman who gets to walk away from situations. You didn't walk away from any of the above. You are both to blame and the wife isn't.

 

You can't seem to realize you meant nothing to this man - other than money and sex - and to just walk away. Because as Petite said, if he had cheated on you, you would have taken him back yourself so why be so judgemental of how another woman reacts to cheating when you would do the same action?

[mhowe]

You have absolutely no "right" to an explanantion from him.

 

The explanation is as plain as day, however:

He is married.

He used you.

He is staying w/ his wife.

 

That's it.

[gingerlemon]

I feel in love with him and when I found out he was married was too late to leave.And you can call me naive but I really didnt see it coming.I really didnt expect that when things explode that he would just throw me on the fire like that.Specialy not after I had always defend him when my parents went after him.I mean of course I knew he would try to save his butt but I didnt think he would do that on my expense.And I also didnt think he would throw me away like a empty box once he had enough.I thought he would had some consideration and gratitude.Silly I know but I really believed that.

 

I don't really know what more to say. Again, your answer is all about him, and what you thought about him. I just don't see any critical self reflection on your own part.

[EgoJoe]

If two people have an affair, BOTH are at fault. Both the one who is married and the one who isn't. If you know about the marriage, then you are just as guilty. If someone will cheat WITH you, then they will likely cheat ON you.

 

This!!!!!!