Why affairs are wrong?

[Batya33]

Do you all think that seek contact with him as a friend now would be a crazy idea?

 

Yes. One of them will probably seek a restraining order against you or worse.

[Anusha]

I think you are in a really sucky situation because not only were you "dropped" - as so many of us have experienced - but you were dropped in a situation where anything you do to fight it/change it/fix it/get some closure will leave you looking like the "bad one.

 

Exactaly,that make things much harder cause if I try to contact him it will look like if Im trying to disrupt his marriage.I will be seen as the bad one that wont leave them alone while he and his wife will look like the victims that are just trying to move on with their lives.That really sucks.

[Budman]

Well considering that I was just cheated on. It was basically my one rule, Faithfulness/honesty. Sitting here wondering where it was, why etc. My story has more in it but simply honesty and integrity are the most important things.

[Anusha]

Yes. One of them will probably seek a restraining order against you or worse.

 

Well I wouldnt mind to continue to have some contact with him as friends but I can see that his wife probably wouldnt like it much.Plus if she ever got to find out that we were still keeping contact she never would believe it was just as friends I guess and probably would think we were going out again.

[Anusha]

I talked with my therapist about all that today.I said that sometimes I wonder if he isnt talking to me cause he cant since his wife is watching him 24/7 and he doesnt want any more problems or if he just doesnt want to have contact with me.She said that to her he just doesnt want to.That when people really want something they find a way even when there is limitations and that he isnt putting much effort on it.I might admit that was hard for me to hear that and I wish it wasnt true but I guess deep down I know she is right.But Im really struggling to acept that.

[Batya33]

No struggle - just fake it till you make it- your actions have to be consistent with acceptance so no more focus on contacting him or on revenge. You have to find activities to distract yourself (like really vigorous exercise or volunteer work) until the bad thoughts recede into the distance and eventually fade.

[Anusha]

No struggle - just fake it till you make it- your actions have to be consistent with acceptance so no more focus on contacting him or on revenge. You have to find activities to distract yourself (like really vigorous exercise or volunteer work) until the bad thoughts recede into the distance and eventually fade.

 

Im trying but it havent been easy.My feelings for him are still pretty strong.

[Batya33]

Im trying but it havent been easy.My feelings for him are still pretty strong.

 

It's irrelevant whether your feelings are strong -that wasn't my point. My point is to do actions that are consistent with moving on and the feelings will move off the radar eventually. It's not about "trying" but about "doing". Musing about whether to contact him to be friends is inconsistent with trying, much less doing. I know you can do it.

[gingerlemon]

Exactaly,that make things much harder cause if I try to contact him it will look like if Im trying to disrupt his marriage.I will be seen as the bad one that wont leave them alone while he and his wife will look like the victims that are just trying to move on with their lives.That really sucks.

 

The thing is, it won't look like you are trying to disrupt the marriage, you will be disrupting the marriage. A marriage has two people in it, not three. And as your therapist said, he probably doesn't want to be in contact with you now, otherwise he would have contacted you already. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I think you need to face these facts in order to move on.

[Anusha]

The thing is, it won't look like you are trying to disrupt the marriage, you will be disrupting the marriage. A marriage has two people in it, not three. And as your therapist said, he probably doesn't want to be in contact with you now, otherwise he would have contacted you already. I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I think you need to face these facts in order to move on.

 

I get what you mean but I just think is funy that he doesnt want his marriage to be disrupted now when he clearly doesnt care about it.If he cared he wouldnt have cheated on his wife with me for all those months and before it too with other women.And when he was geting my money he also didnt seem to mind me contacting him but now he doesnt need me anymore he acts like that and use his marriage as excuse.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Do you all think that seek contact with him as a friend now would be a crazy idea?

 

Yes.

 

Leave him be. As painful as it is, it is better this way.

[OptomisticGirl]

I get what you mean but I just think is funy that he doesnt want his marriage to be disrupted now when he clearly doesnt care about it.If he cared he wouldnt have cheated on his wife with me for all those months and before it too with other women.And when he was geting my money he also didnt seem to mind me contacting him but now he doesnt need me anymore he acts like that and use his marriage as excuse.

 

Sadly that's the definition of an affair with no emotions being returned.

[gingerlemon]

I get what you mean but I just think is funy that he doesnt want his marriage to be disrupted now when he clearly doesnt care about it.If he cared he wouldnt have cheated on his wife with me for all those months and before it too with other women.And when he was geting my money he also didnt seem to mind me contacting him but now he doesnt need me anymore he acts like that and use his marriage as excuse.

 

You can put lots of perspectives on this, but what it boils down to is that you got involved with an idiot who played you. I don't say that to be mean, but to point out that whatever you think he 'should' be doing if he was more decent, it's not going to happen. I think you should do some should searching on how you allowed yourself to end up in that situation (what YOU did, not what he did and said), and try to stop focussing on the things that make him a bad person. He's a bad person, period. End of story. And I really don't understand why you are entertaining the thought of 'being friends'. Apart from it being a terribly bad idea, why would you want to be friend with a person who has treated you in this way? Would you accept the equivalent of this kind of behaviour from a female friend?

[Anusha]

I guess is because I just want him on my life somehow.Unfortunaly all the reasons why he is no good for me doesnt seem to change my feelings and that is what keep pushing me to him.Is like there is a hole on my chest now and it keeps yarning for him.

[penelope13]

Anusha, I completely understand that you are experiencing pain and yearning - but I don't think it's for him specifically, but for a partner in general.

 

You want to have someone in your life, someone who makes you feel special, someone who gives you a reason to get up every morning, someone who has your back and who loves you. - It's understandable that you have these feelings.

 

However you have to realize - he actually never fulfilled any of these wants and needs. Yes, from time to time he contacted you. But the interaction with him caused you constant anxiety. The only need it fulfilled was 'someone is talking to me'. But it was of such a bad quality, that you were constantly worried and anxious if he would call again, why he didn't call etc - because you were feeling deep down that the interaction was not a true one. It wasn't one based on mutual respect and wanting the best for each other.

 

So while the pain and yearning you are experiencing is real - please realize it's not about him, but about you wanting a normal, healthy, loving relationship.

 

If you want that, you have to start taking steps to get you towards that goal and not take steps that will prevent you from reaching happiness.

 

The first step is to realize that this guy was a scum bag and the sooner his toxic effect is out of life, the sooner you will be able to get ready to meet a right person.

[Anusha]

Thanks penelope,I guess I just wish he would care.I feel abandoned by the way he is acting now.

[penelope13]

You need to stop wishing that someone magically turns into someone he has never been.

 

The person who has truly let you down and abandoned you is yourself since you still refuse to put the focus on yourself, your own behavior and your own choices.

 

Start standing up for yourself and fighting for yourself instead of being stuck and looking back at a past that was nothing but painful

[Anusha]

I think maybe I expected to much from him.I mean he is married so of course he couldnt give me a relationship.All it could have been was casual and there should be no feelings involved.I guess he thought I was aware of it that is why he is acting like if he doesnt own me anything.

[penelope13]

Exactly! Hold onto that realization

[petite]

Have you thought about increasing therapy sessions? That way you would have someone in real life that can help you deal with not contacting him and his wife and help you with moving on quicker. Maybe you can call a friend when you get the surge to reach him or even post in your journal, just don't make contact with him.

[Anusha]

Im not so sure I can make it,I just think about him all day.And the yearning is pretty strong.I was told once that my emotional ego is very strong and that is true,my emotions are too strong and I just feel like Im controled by them.

[penelope13]

You can control your emotions by controlling your thoughts. Start exercising thought stopping (google it!) whenever you think about him.

 

Make yourself aware, as I told you yesterday, the yearning is NOT about him, but about wanting a proper partner.

[Batya33]

Im not so sure I can make it,I just think about him all day.And the yearning is pretty strong.I was told once that my emotional ego is very strong and that is true,my emotions are too strong and I just feel like Im controled by them.

 

No, adult humans are not controlled by their emotions. Penelope gave you good advice.

[Anusha]

I just dont get why.Why before he was fine having contact with me and now he isnt? And his wife caughting us isnt reason for that cause it wasnt the first time she caught us.

[penelope13]

People CAN and DO change their minds all the time, without any reason. It's natural!

 

Why do you choose to be stuck at this thought? - No matter if according to your logic he shouldn't have reconsidered, he has reconsidered.

 

You are still choosing to be passive about everything and choosing to focus on him rather than on yourself.

 

 

Have you googled 'thought stopping' and given it a try? - If not, why not? - What is keeping you from doing that?

 

Do you really want to be stuck in inactivity, not moving forward, not moving backward, not moving at all?

 

Where are your ambitions and dreams for yourself?