Why affairs are wrong?

[Batya33]

I just dont get why.Why before he was fine having contact with me and now he isnt? And his wife caughting us isnt reason for that cause it wasnt the first time she caught us.

 

Why? Why not? You can't get inside his head or ask him because you created a situation where you're not considered a friend to him because he is married and his wife obviously wants nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter why -that's the wrong focus if you really want to move on with your life. He's moved on -that's all you need to know.

[Anusha]

To me matters why cause is a totaly diferent situation if he is avoiding me just because he is afraid to be caught or if he is doing it just cause he doesnt want to have contact with me.Im completely unhappy without him on my life so that is why I cant just let go.

[superfox]

Anusha.

He doesn't like you. That's why, plain and simple. You weren't the great love of his life or his soulmate or even his friend.

You put out and gave him money. That's all honey

[Batya33]

You can let go. You just choose not to. Assume he is not with you because he doesn't want to be with you -that much you know. It's your job to find other things in your life to bring happiness and peace. Get to work today.

[penelope13]

You only tell yourself that it matters 'why', because you need an excuse for yourself why you keep allowing yourself to remain stuck in this situation.

 

At the end of the day - he doesn't want to be with you, if he wanted, he would find a way. That's all that matters. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU.

 

You are completely unhappy, because you don't have someone in your life to share happiness with. You already experienced that there is no true experience with him, so why not try to establish something with someone new? Someone who doesn't give you constant anxiety, someone who you don't have to pay to sleep with you (you know what that is considered in most cultures, no?).

 

You keep telling yourself "I need him in my life" - yet that is not bringing you any kind of positive emotion.

 

Why not start to replace that thought with a more productive one: "I want to have a healthy relationship with someone who deserves me".

 

You still haven't answered my question if you googled 'thought stopping'??????

[Anusha]

Yes I have searched for it on the net but it have been hard to keep the thoughts away.I just dont get why all the guys I like are always rejecting me.You remember how I was with my LD ex and how I had to keep chasing him around all the time right? It just feels like Im the only one who cares all the time.

[petite]

Maybe they aren't rejecting you - maybe you feel they should be devoting all their time solely to you? It could also be that they just aren't good men. Have you ever let a guy chase you or, let him to 50% of the work?

 

It's possible that you give too much, too soon and if you're dating a not so great man, of course he can take advantage of that.

[Circe]

Yes I have searched for it on the net but it have been hard to keep the thoughts away.I just dont get why all the guys I like are always rejecting me.You remember how I was with my LD ex and how I had to keep chasing him around all the time right? It just feels like Im the only one who cares all the time.

 

It doesn't have to always be like that. Get yourself together and once you heal, try and be more sure that someone has good character before getting involved. You can't be certain but you can be slightly logical about it and ask yourself whether they are a kind, honest person who is likely to treat you well, care for you and not take advantage.

 

You really have to try and stop thinking about him. If you think about him and think "why does he want to stop now" .. the answers you get are just going to make you spiral into an even more emotionally vulnerable state than the one you are already in. You have to somehow wipe the slate and move on with your life. You are only making your life worse by remaining stuck here.

 

I know you are angry that the wife isn't leaving him - but you can't make her leave him by going to her with all these reports about him. You are probably just bringing them closer together by being the "common enemy" they can bond over.

 

Even if she did leave him, he would not come back to you.

 

Wipe it clean .. try and distract yourself. Go out with friends. Take a new class on something you find really interesting. Redecorate. I don't know - do STUFF that's enjoyable even if you don't feel like it right now. Do not contact either of them and try your best not to ruminate over this.

[Batya33]

Yes I have searched for it on the net but it have been hard to keep the thoughts away.I just dont get why all the guys I like are always rejecting me.You remember how I was with my LD ex and how I had to keep chasing him around all the time right? It just feels like Im the only one who cares all the time.

 

Two men you're referring to, one of whom is married and it's "all the time?" I was rejected far more than twice in my dating history and I didn't do the pity party thing for more than an evening (perhaps longer for an LTR but not much - who needs to live that way?). If you really want a healthy relationship then only pursue available men and resist the temptation to get this dramatic and pretend that it's an "all the time" thing. Obviously if you chase a married man who only wants sex and money you're just going to reinforce your misguided belief that it's all the time.

[Anusha]

I didnt want him to leave his wife,I just wanted him to continue going out with me like before.

[Anusha]

Maybe they aren't rejecting you - maybe you feel they should be devoting all their time solely to you? It could also be that they just aren't good men. Have you ever let a guy chase you or, let him to 50% of the work?

 

It's possible that you give too much, too soon and if you're dating a not so great man, of course he can take advantage of that.

 

No I never had a guy chasing me.Usualy is me doing all the chasing and most of the effort.

[Batya33]

I didnt want him to leave his wife,I just wanted him to continue going out with me like before.

 

As you must realize -don't you -that's not possible. Married men can't go on dates with other women and typically aren't friendly with women who are not supportive of their marriage. He can have lunch with another woman most likely but only if the woman is supportive of his marriage and his wife is ok with it. My husband had lunch with a female colleague a few days ago - they are also friends. I wasn't invited because it was out of town. I like her very much. That's an example of where it's fine for a married man to hang out with another woman. I think you know that but you tell yourself stories about what you wish were true. That's a waste of time.

[Anusha]

As you must realize -don't you -that's not possible. Married men can't go on dates with other women and typically aren't friendly with women who are not supportive of their marriage. He can have lunch with another woman most likely but only if the woman is supportive of his marriage and his wife is ok with it. My husband had lunch with a female colleague a few days ago - they are also friends. I wasn't invited because it was out of town. I like her very much. That's an example of where it's fine for a married man to hang out with another woman. I think you know that but you tell yourself stories about what you wish were true. That's a waste of time.

 

But he was fine hanging with me before.I guess he just was ok with it while his wife didnt know it but once the secret is out it is game over I guess.

[penelope13]

We are still talking about him and what he is doing or not doing.

 

What is worrisome is that you are saying that you are fine with being 'the other woman' and want to continue instead of trying to establish a proper relationship with someone who is available.

 

We all have met plenty of scumbags in our dating lives. The trick is not to get stuck with one once you realize it and to focus on the new possibilities instead of hoping that the scumbag miraculously turns into prince charming even though his behavior is proof of the opposite.

 

In order to establish a healthy relationship, you need to be an emotionally healthy individual. You will not become that overnight, but it requires some hard work and patience.

 

But it always starts with YOU - you need to do the work!

[Huntress0527]

I want more for you. I wish you could see your self worth. Is your self worth so low that you're willing to just be the other woman. To be the woman that's just used for sex and money while he's still having sex with his wife? You should have disgust for this man and find a guy that is going to treat you right.

 

Please see that you're worth more than this.

[Anusha]

I want more for you. I wish you could see your self worth. Is your self worth so low that you're willing to just be the other woman. To be the woman that's just used for sex and money while he's still having sex with his wife? You should have disgust for this man and find a guy that is going to treat you right.

 

Please see that you're worth more than this.

 

So you think that isnt possible that the married man can develop feelings for the other woman? That all he can do is use her?

[Huntress0527]

So you think that isnt possible that the married man can develop feelings for the other woman? That all he can do is use her?

 

Here's the thing, why would you want a cheater? In your case he went back to his wife so feelings for you or not he definitely just used you.

 

If you truly respected yourself you would say to yourself "I'm not sharing a man with any woman. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to not be sloppy seconds."

[gingerlemon]

But he was fine hanging with me before.I guess he just was ok with it while his wife didnt know it but once the secret is out it is game over I guess.

 

But do YOU think it's OK?? The day you get married, would you feel comfortable with your H dating other women behind your back?

[Huntress0527]

But do YOU think it's OK?? The day you get married, would you feel comfortable with your H dating other women behind your back?

 

And if I knew that the other woman was ok with being my husband's mistress and encouraged him to continue to see her I would be laying a smackdown on her. This wife may come after you if you continue to go after her husband.

[lalalollipops]

But he was fine hanging with me before.I guess he just was ok with it while his wife didnt know it but once the secret is out it is game over I guess.

 

Question.

How's your home life like? As in how was it like as a child? Did you have loving parents, did you have a dad that was always in the picture?

 

Alot of women who tolerate this have low self esteem stemmed from other issues.

Why are you ok with this arrangement? He's never going to be truly yours. And even if, by some weird piece of 'luck' you get him, he's not going to commit. He'll just do to you what he does to his wife.

 

Do you really think you only deserve this much?

 

Not to mention to terribly hurtful to the wife. You should put yourself in her shoes for a second.

[lalalollipops]

So you think that isnt possible that the married man can develop feelings for the other woman? That all he can do is use her?

 

Even if he did develop some feelings for you, it's still what it is: A selfish man who wants some 'something somethings' on the side.

He has no morals, integrity or empathy for anyone. If he wasn't happy at home, he should divorce his wife. Cos it's obv cos he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Anusha]

Question.

How's your home life like? As in how was it like as a child? Did you have loving parents, did you have a dad that was always in the picture?

 

Alot of women who tolerate this have low self esteem stemmed from other issues.

Why are you ok with this arrangement? He's never going to be truly yours. And even if, by some weird piece of 'luck' you get him, he's not going to commit. He'll just do to you what he does to his wife.

 

Do you really think you only deserve this much?

 

Not to mention to terribly hurtful to the wife. You should put yourself in her shoes for a second.

 

I understand it might not be nice to her but she is chosing for that herself.She is aware of his betrays but she wanted to continue with him anyway.

[penelope13]

You are aware of his character yet you want him in your life anyway.

[Anusha]

I know I have all the logical reasons to not like him but I just cant help my feelings.I know nobody understand but that is how I feel.

[Wayfara]

Anyway my point with this thread isnt to defend cheating.I just want to know why you all think is so wrong and why usualy the blame goes to the other woman while the married guy get away with it.

 

I think the married part is making the bigger transgress as he betrays his own partner but that doesn't detract blame from the other woman, it only adds something on his side. Anyhow owning up to what you have done shouldn't depend on whether he gets punished, it would be like a murderer saying his jail time is unfair because some murderers get away with it. I also don't think getting forgiven is the same as getting away with it. A betrayed wife usually has a stronger bond with her cheating husband than the other woman so if she's going to forgive someone it's only natural if she chooses the one she's invested in. Does that mean he gets away with it? It's he who will have to make amends and try to build up his wife's trust while the other woman can just disappear.

 

I understand it might not be nice to her but she is chosing for that herself.She is aware of his betrays but she wanted to continue with him anyway.

 

Does an old lady not locking her door choose to be robbed? Does a woman going out at night choose to be raped? His wife's decision might not be smartest one but that doesn't make sleeping with her husband any less wrong.