Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 Well, she might be believing what she wants to believe because she is under a terrible amount of stress, anger, shock and grief, and she is desperate for anything that might indicate to her that her marriage isn't falling apart. Remember that for her, this isn't about YOU and whether you are credible (which you by default isn't to her, because you have deceived her with her husband). It is about her all of a sudden having had the ground pulled away from under her feet at finding out about her husband's betrayal. If they have children, that will make her situation even more difficult. Don't underestimate what she is going through. I see a lot of concern for yourself and your role in this and that's somewhat understandable, but how do you think she is realistically feeling? She is probably completely devastated. I get that all that might not be being easy to her.I just get really frustraded that she will believe on the excuses he is using to turn it all on me,when they would be easialy spoted if she had gave it some thinking.Is like she just believes in all he says without even stoping to think if makes sense first. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I get that all that might not be being easy to her.I just get really frustraded that she will believe on the excuses he is using to turn it all on me,when they would be easialy spoted if she had gave it some thinking.Is like she just believes in all he says without even stoping to think if makes sense first. Anusha, you really don't know what she believes or doesn't believe. Are you a fly on the wall in their house, or inside her mind? She is going through a difficult process with strong emotional ups and down, where she is likely to have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions which will be in flux as she is trying to deal with this. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I dont mean to tell her how to react.I just dont agree much with her reaction and think the person she should be most angry with is her husband since he is the one who owned her something. All you can do is be responsible for your actions. It's a waste of time focusing on how she should or shouldn't do in regards to her husband. That's not your business. Refocus your energy on yourself to move forward and take this as a hard lesson to not get involved with married men. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 All you can do is be responsible for your actions. It's a waste of time focusing on how she should or shouldn't do in regards to her husband. That's not your business. Refocus your energy on yourself to move forward and take this as a hard lesson to not get involved with married men. This is so true. OP, I see a lot of posts about the wife. What about you? What have YOU learned from this experience, and how will you act on this learning? Link to comment
DN Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't think you are in a position to make judgments about how she should be feeling or who she should be blaming. You mean nothing to her, other than someone who jeopardised her happiness, whereas she has an emotional and life investment in her husband. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 This is so true. OP, I see a lot of posts about the wife. What about you? What have YOU learned from this experience, and how will you act on this learning? Well I felt betrayed by his reaction yes.I know it was wrong what we were doing but we were together on it and once the whole thing exploded he just threw the whole blame on me.And I learned that you cant always trust on a married man cause when they are having their cake and eating it too they treat you like you are everything but once they get caught you become nothing. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 If the wife wants to continue his crap, that is her choice. Even if you think it is a poor one. It doesn't have anything to do with you anymore if you aren't getting yourself involved with him anymore. Which I hope you aren't. Why are you even talking to these people? Besides all the reasons people have given for an affair being wrong, which I all agree with, one of the biggest ones to me is that the person you are trusting more than nearly anyone in the world not only betrays you, but puts your health and life in danger. This isn't over dramatizing. To have an affair means to do things behind your partners back and to not give them a choice to make their own choices where it truly is their right. That is the essence of wrong. No one has a right to put anothers health in danger and "well she just happened to fall in love with a married guy" sure doesn't cut it as far as making that reality any more palatable, to me. So therefore it is ok to create a scenario where one person will later we laying up nights wondering if they have HIV or any other terrible thing. The one cheating with the partner who made the vow is not directly responsible the way the partner is, but it seems to me you have to be the kind of person who doesn't care if you hurt others if it means a bit of pleasure for yourself to do something like that. Basically what it comes down to in my mind is that if you are willing to cheat or be involved in cheating with someone, you don't even care about your life or those other peoples lives. Not really. Because forget the emotional stuff for a minute - someone can actually get seriously physically ill or even die from your stupidity and selfishness (not specifically you, but you in general again). Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Well I felt betrayed by his reaction yes.I know it was wrong what we were doing but we were together on it and once the whole thing exploded he just threw the whole blame on me.And I learned that you cant always trust on a married man cause when they are having their cake and eating it too they treat you like you are everything but once they get caught you become nothing. Yes, a lot of OW make that lesson the hard way. What will you do to avoid putting yourself in this situation in the future? Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't think you are in a position to make judgments about how she should be feeling or who she should be blaming. You mean nothing to her, other than someone who jeopardised her happiness, whereas she has an emotional and life investment in her husband. I didnt do it alone,her husband willingly participate on all that too and that is something she seems to fail to realize.I didnt put a gun on his head and forced him to be with me,he wanted to so I dont think is fair that I get all her anger. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I didnt do it alone,her husband willingly participate on all that too and that is something she seems to fail to realize.I didnt put a gun on his head and forced him to be with me,he wanted to so I dont think is fair that I get all her anger. Was it "fair" that you went behind her back and had sex with her husband?? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I get that all that might not be being easy to her.I just get really frustraded that she will believe on the excuses he is using to turn it all on me,when they would be easialy spoted if she had gave it some thinking.Is like she just believes in all he says without even stoping to think if makes sense first. Anusha...You don't know what goes on behind the scenes, and to be honest it's their business only. You can argue the point of who's to blame until the cows come home, yet when all is said and done, no one walks away scott free. All of the parties involved will pay the price in some way, shape or form, sooner or later. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 Was it "fair" that you went behind her back and had sex with her husband?? No it wasnt and Im not saying I shouldnt get any of her anger,of course I understand she has the right to be angry at me.I just dont think I should be geting it all.Is like if me and him had robbed a bank for example and the police caught us,and just me had went went to jail for it while he went away guilty free.Understand what I mean? Link to comment
DN Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't understand why you care about who she is angry at - should you not have thought about that before embarking on an affair with her husband? Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 No it wasnt and Im not saying I shouldnt get any of her anger,of course I understand she has the right to be angry at me.I just dont think I should be geting it all.Is like if me and him had robbed a bank for example and the police caught us,and just me had went went to jail for it while he went away guilty free.Understand what I mean? Well, like several people have said now, I don't understand how you can conclude that he's getting away. I simply don't believe that, and I don't believe that you know that he is. How can you?? Do you spy on them in their house? Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 Anusha...You don't know what goes on behind the scenes, and to be honest it's their business only. You can argue the point of who's to blame until the cows come home, yet when all is said and done, no one walks away scott free. All of the parties involved will pay the price in some way, shape or form, sooner or later. She still with him and every time I try to show her how he really is she even defend him.The last time I confessed to her we have meet and told her all about his lies she even sided with her sister to keep sending me ofensive texts.I had just told her that her husband cheated and lied to her and she got angry at me!!!! Seriously that was beyond me and even today I dont get it. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't understand why you care about who she is angry at - should you not have thought about that before embarking on an affair with her husband? Im just tired of geting all the blame for something I didnt do alone. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 She still with him and every time I try to show her how he really is she even defend him.The last time I confessed to her we have meet and told her all about his lies she even sided with her sister to keep sending me ofensive texts.I had just told her that her husband cheated and lied to her and she got angry at me!!!! Seriously that was beyond me and even today I dont get it. OF COURSE she is not going to believe anything you say. Why should she?? You have gone behind her back with her husband. OF COURSE she is angry at you. I'm really having a hard time understanding why you can't see that. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 You need to leave this alone. Leave him and his wife alone. Focus on healing. You're not helping anyone by having contact with her or him. If she wants to stay with a cheater that's her choice. He's her husband not yours. For your own sanity, please move on from this entire group. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 Well, like several people have said now, I don't understand how you can conclude that he's getting away. I simply don't believe that, and I don't believe that you know that he is. How can you?? Do you spy on them in their house? I have talked to them after she found out everything.And she is still living with him and being verbaly aggressive to me.All he might have got was some complains and anger,nothing more. Link to comment
petite Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 To put it bluntly; this has been discussed to no end. It comes down to the fact that he lied to you and his wife (that's on him) but you still pursued him after you found out he had a wife and you still want explanations and contact with him - that's on you. We have all agreed on all your threads the guy was and is a jerk. No doubt about it, if what you're saying is true. However, you can't pursue a man after you find out he is married and walk away smelling like roses - life doesn't work like that and relationships certainly don't. And one fact is that no one knows what goes behind closed doors. You don't know anything about their life behind closed doors and inside their house, just like no one here knows what goes behind my closed doors, and another persons, and another. People can speculate, but they have no clue. Link to comment
gingerlemon Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I have talked to them after she found out everything.And she is still living with him and being verbaly aggressive to me.All he might have got was some complains and anger,nothing more. Again, you don't know the latter. You are just making assumptions. They have made/ are making their choices. At this point, this means that they are not splitting and that your affair is over. As Huntress said, leave them alone and focus on your healing. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 OF COURSE she is not going to believe anything you say. Why should she?? You have gone behind her back with her husband. OF COURSE she is angry at you. I'm really having a hard time understanding why you can't see that. I know what you mean.I guess maybe he just told her that Im making all that up to break them of so I can be with him.Anyway like some of you said it isnt my problem,if she wants to continue with a cheater and dont see how he really is it is her choice.I just know that Im not telling her anything ever again. Link to comment
petite Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Anusha, if he dumped his wife and wanted you, then you'd accept him too. I have no doubt about that. then you'd be the one wanting the cheater. Just let it go, let him go, let her go and start working on yourself. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 You are right.Something I learned with all that is that if you get involved with a married man it always will spill on you,no matter what.People will always see me as the wrong one,the one we disrupted a marriage.When he and his wife remain as the victims. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't think the married person is seen as a victim. If you harass him then he would be a victim of your harassment. Link to comment
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