mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 I have meds in front of me... the flyer says that if I overdose it might lead to death... I'm so afraid... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 what if it doesn't ..this could end in a different way darling ..so please don;t be too keen to swallow them ok .. it ok , you have them in front of you ..thats fine mes ..just keep chatting . ..I presume your flat mate is out right now ? what time is it over your end of the world ? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 he's asleep... I'm talking with my EX... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 right ok .... come back when you have spoken with her have you called her or has she come round ? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 we're chatting on the net... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 right ok ..I will leave you to chat please mes do me one favour ... don't ask her questions when you know you can't cope with the answers ..your weak right now and not thinking straight .... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 my dad have just sent me an email... I asked my EX a question... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 does you dad know what is going on ? can you talk to him about stuff like this ? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 yes... he knows... I couldn't keep it for myself... he told me to come back to Poland... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 oh bless his heart ..your his boy mes Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 sometimes...we get so used to feeling a certain way that we forget what it's like to feel any other way. i don't have anything constructive, mesmerized...but i wanted to pass this along. it might be good for a smile...or a laugh. so simple...but it got me going. link removed cheers buddy. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 omg I actually said out loud exactly what the video is called Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 my dad told be to go back to Poland... if I go back... I fail, I lose my money, I lose my opportunities... everything. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 I asked my EX a simple question... "do you think you could ever look at me again as a life partner?" and she didn't want to answer... after repeating the question over 10 times she finally said that her and my wounds were to fresh to say anything definitive... she said I had to focus on myself and stop thinking about her because I was the most important one now... in all honesty I just think she says so because she doesn't want to hurt me... and in reality she knows it's over, forever. I wish she could just say that we're done. Forever. It'd help me to hear her say that. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I asked my EX a simple question... "do you think you could ever look at me again as a life partner?" and she didn't want to answer... after repeating the question over 10 times she finally said that her and my wounds were to fresh to say anything definitive... she said I had to focus on myself and stop thinking about her because I was the most important one now... in all honesty I just think she says so because she doesn't want to hurt me... and in reality she knows it's over, forever. I wish she could just say that we're done. Forever. It'd help me to hear her say that. your on self destruct for sure mes ...why ? because you want to feel as bad as you possibly can , you want to tip right over , you want it to be justified that you havent got a place in this world ...darling this is the nature of your illness and it makes you incapable at times like this to have any optimism , any self praise or any validation within yourself that your a good man , with a life in front of you ... This is what carus has been trying to tell you ...yes it is dammed hard work to get out of this mindset ...but every time he asks you to look at things in a positive light , or be grateful for what you have , or to have at least one mantra of self belief if only once a day then it is a step forward ... I do know as you know about mental health and how depression affects a person , and i also know how hard it is to get out of that mind set ..again I mention carus , because I see him daily trying to steer you that way.... it is hard ...but it is not impossible my darling. but lets get you through this bit right now .. you cannot and must not do that to your ex again ..it is not fair darling ok ..I know your hurting and you want her , but this is certainly not the right path to take. ..right now your so lost in it that you have to hear what I am telling you ok. by your own admission you asked her over 10 times mes..no , you can't ..and it doesn't matter what she says , you will turn it into a negative right now . are you still online with her ? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 my dad told be to go back to Poland... if I go back... I fail, I lose my money, I lose my opportunities... everything. well I see it like this ... in china right now your not coping , life is dreadful and your thoughts are dangerous ...in poland you can take some time out from life , from the pressures your under and be with your family , see your own doctor and take a break .... your a teacher ..you will have opportunities again .. its not a fail in my eyes ....it's an option and a chance Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 you have gone offline mes..please say something when you come back on Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Thinking of you mes...please leave a message when you come on Link to comment
duke nukem Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Hey Mes, just stopping in to see how you are. Just remember, there is a chance for anything to happen whilst still alive. At this point, you're at rock bottom, so the only way to go from there is up. I know, it may be impossible to see at this moment, but please trust me as well as Star and Carus, things will look up for you. Just need to take things one day at a time. If you feel the need to return home, then do so. You will be able to teach again once you have healed. And you will heal. You will find love again. Maybe with your ex, maybe not. But you along with all of the other people here will not just survive, but become greater than they were before. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 dear all... i didn't get a wink of sleep this/last night... I've been thinking about it all and here's what I've come up with: 1. if i do go back + my mental state might get better because I'll have relatives around me and access to treatment - I'll lose my ex as a person, because we won't be in touch - I'll be focusing on my EX - I'll have to pay some kind of penalty to the school for breaking the agreement - I'll stay at my parent's house and being nearly 28 I'll feel like a failure which will have a great inpact on my mental state - I'll never come back to China for work 2. if I stay - my mental state will not improve a lot and I'll have mood swings - I'll be focusing on my EX pretty a lot and seeing her at work which will remind me every single time what lost - I'll feel very lonely + I'll experience China + I'll earn much more than in my country + I'll possibly learn more of the local language + I won't have to pay the penalty + I'll gain experience Now, about my EX and my future life: I was very lucky to be with her because she attracts men who have a) better looks b) stable mental health c) a lot of confidence Yet, she was with me because she felt something for me. Now, I'm a wreck and as we all know that's not attractive. Suicidal tendencies are not attractive. No matter who I was now she's probably disgusted of me. It hurts me so much because I let this happen when I could've stopped it... I could've done something... I'm wondering how others would feel if they had dated 6 or 7 girls in their lives and never felt any kind of feelings for them. Not to mention the fact that she was the only one I felt good around with in bed and that leaves a lot of memories too. How can I STOP thinking about her? I want to STOP thinking about her. Anyway... thank you for keeping me company. Yesterday it was the lowest point of my entire existence. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Mes* ` I see this last post of yours as a HUGE step forward Bro* Well Done* Whether to return home or not is your desicion and you know we will support you in what ever you decide.... Anyway, as for stopping the thoughts....You can start to retrain your brain. It wont happen immediately but over time you can do it... Mornings always seem to be the worst so one trick I learnt was to get up and have a shower and sing song lyrics in my head. This would alleviate those thoughts even if for the moment....But as you do this over and over your brain will eventually do it automatically... In saying that though, your brain having those thoughts is quite important as it process's everything, so dont try to suppress them too much. You dont want to force them down into your subconscience without processing them properly only to have them come back somewhere down the track and bite you in the a**... But you are learning now that they come and go and your mood goes up and down but that is OK. They are only thoughts and they cannot harm you.... As for your ex, yes she was with you for that time, but if she saw those qualities in you, you can be assured that there will be other girls will do the same. In fact, heal from this and you will be a very valuable boyfriend and member of society* As Duke said above, you have hit rock bottom and the only way from there is back up... You will probably go up and down for a while, but every time we hit the bottom, we bounce a little higher* Real proud of you Bud* You weathered that storm....I will check in again to see what desicions you have come up with.... Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 I thought the lowest point of my life was reached yesterday. It wasn't. It's happened today. I felt so terrible that I started vomiting. I don't know why... maybe it was the pill I took (prescribed my my doctor) Anna, my EX GF, saw me... She visited me because of my condition and she saw the whole mess... She wasn't supposed to see that... I probably the very last pit of attraction she had for me today but I couldn't help it... I lost toich in my hands and legs... It felt like millions of ants were marching through my body and I couldn't grab anything with my hands... god... oh god... I cried and told her I had failed her... that I had been different once... I told her it's my sickness, not me... She said there was nothing to be sorry about... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 oh mes darling your ill and she knows that .. she also knows all the wonderful qualities you have have , please remember that . mes we all hit the bottom of the barrel at some point .. you have sunk as low as you can get and as down and desperate as you can get ... you can only go in one direction now. don't persecute you over anna seeing you ok ....it doesn't ruin an attraction , she knows your ill , I cannot stress that enough she is not a monster any more then me , duke and carus trying to help you on here . Not everyone in this world is cruel and judgemental . let your dad know you ok darling Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 I'll let him know... people from my company wanted me to come and teach today even though I couldn't stand straight, felt so dizzy and vomited time after time... I refused, I told them they can take my money, I didn't care... I just keep asking myself one question... why me? why have I been going through this so long? who's testing me? oh no... I just started losing grip in my hands again Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 no you can't go and teach like this .... myself and my friends have very deep discussions along those lines mes ..."why me" "why does stuff happen" I , as you know have had a very decorated life to say the least , but so have some of my friends ..we have all been through it in one way or another ..between us we have lost babies , there has been domestic violence , prison , drugs, rape, mental illness , divorce , infidelity, cancer .you name it , one of us has had it . we ( as in my group of friends male and female) pretty much share the same view and that is that we have lessons to learn , some of us believe we are now learning from mistakes in a past life and should we end that too soon we will only come back to have to live the lessons we have to learn ... but one way or another we have all say that .." why me" ..you have to wonder hey mes mes I have to go out now ...I haven't abandoned you and I will look in later .... keep writing if you can , get it all out on here . you must try and do some deep breathing , in through your nose hold for a count of ten and release through your mouth ...just to regulate the oxygen and to calm your body down ..just sit a while breathing , deep and long . Link to comment
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