pippy longstocking Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 . maybe instead of rambling on about myself I should ask how you are? mes this is your thread , you started it so you had somewhere to express yourself ..ok ..I just muscled in on you and carus ha.. so please...this is your place to talk . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 I just got an idea. If I ever get a chance to get married I'm going to play Let It Be on my wedding day on the piano. That's gonna be the only song I'll ever learn to play...and I'm going to dedicate it to my future wife. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I just got an idea. If I ever get a chance to get married I'm going to play Let It Be on my wedding day on the piano. That's gonna be the only song I'll ever learn to play...and I'm going to dedicate it to my future wife. love it mes ..just love it Link to comment
duke nukem Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Hey, while you're at it why not take up piano or another instrument as a hobby? I have been playing guitar since I was like 13, but through high school I would go long periods without touching it (probably due to video games!). Since my ex and I split, I've been getting back into it and it makes me feel a lot better to learn all the songs I had wanted to before but never did. I also don't even play video games anymore, and, I can always use my musical talents to try to impress the fairer sex! Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 hey Duke, I've played guitar for 5 years with huge breaks. I have a guitar here so I pluck the strings every once in a while. I'm thinking about setting up a blog but we'll see about that. Yesterday I got my meds... meds that ought to help me fight depressive states of mind. Today in the morning I held one of the pills in my hands... and I wondered why I want to take it. I'm not sure if I'm doing it for myself or for my parents or god-knows-who... All I know is that I don't want to be fueled by meds my entire life... EDIT: PS. You know what hurts the most? The simple fact that two people who used to be together are becoming strangers. She says she cares about my happiness and yet she never asks "how are you?" or "are you OK?" Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Today in the morning I held one of the pills in my hands... and I wondered why I want to take it because if you don't I am on the next flight out to china to make you take them mes .... and you really wouldn't want to argue with me in real life Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 because if you don't I am on the next flight out to china to make you take them mes .... and you really wouldn't want to argue with me in real life hmm, I wouldn't be so sure about that because my arguing-english skills could improve a great deal! not so mention the bad words! lol... just kidding. frankly speaking I'm a little bit uneasy about taking pills again... I know how they can deepen depressive thoughts in the initial stage of treatment... I've been there, I've done that... sometimes I'm utterly convinced that even though the pills can help me survive they aren't a long-term solution to my issues... anyway, I took one in the morning, according to my doctor's advice... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Guys, Are there any books that can help me deal with my current situation? I don't know how to behave when my EX is around, I'm not sure if I should become friends with her or just forget about her (there must be a way...!) Should I ask her out from time to time or wait for her moves? Today for instance she said she was starving and I hesitated for a split second if I should take her out somewhere... but eventually I just went home... Thanks Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 I think your question just boils down to what you can cope with . There are no hard and fast rules here, and ultimately , like we all do , your still focusing on her and not yourself. so without sounding patronising to you ( which you know I am not) what do you want to do that is best for your state of mind and how much can you cope with ? if you want my honest opinion I wouldn't try and be friends ...your too vulnerable mes , you want her back too much to accept friendship because always , in the back of your mind you will be picking up on every move she makes , everything she says , living in hope and I think right now this will harm you not heal you . on the other side of the coin mes ..if she was ever going to miss you , seeing her and taking her for dinner etc will never allow for her to mull over her actions and choices . I know you work together and that must be so hard , so in that respect if your paths do cross just try and be respectful and as happy as you can muster ..you know , let her see you have just got on with it . please think about you mes ..I know you want her ..but right now this has to be about you and getting you to a point where you remember what a smile is my darling . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Dear All, I've given all this some thought and insane as it sounds I can't just stop hoping that I and my EX will get together... It's the only hope I have... I know there's so many girls out there... I know I'm doing the wrong thing here but I just can't lose all hope... Link to comment
Carus Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Mes* I held out that hope for almost 2 years before I had to accept reality... Whether we think it's the wrong thing or not, you wont be able to just drop it overnight.... But just like all the other thoughts and emotions you have been feeling, this is no different...So my advice is the same: Let it come and go as it will... Also in your thread you say "I wish..." a lot.... Wishes wont get things in your life....Actions will* Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 The last tiny piece of the dream is always the hardest to let go of , chin up Mes Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 One way or another she was the last girl in my life I had a relationship with... I dont want to go through all those games people play, I dont want to risk another breakup. For some reason Im not cut out for relationships. Something must be wrong with me. There will come a day when Ill just give up and Im sure it will be a happy one. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be in this messed up world. My life was supposed to be different... Not this depressive c...p full of mood swings and hesitation. I hope I can pluck up the courage and end this poor excuse for a life. Amen. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Would you like to know how to make it better...? 8-) Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Would you like to know how to make it better...? 8-) reveal your secret young man ....or forever hold your peace Link to comment
Carus Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Sure Star....I will wait for Mes*'s reply first Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Sure Star....I will wait for Mes*'s reply first dam ..your such a tease carus ... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Sure Star....I will wait for Mes*'s reply first Yes, I'd like to know... Link to comment
Carus Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Yes, I'd like to know... Think differently....and be more grateful for the things you DO have* That is all.... And don't say "I cant.." coz you can.... 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 Think differently....and be more grateful for the things you DO have* That is all.... And don't say "I cant.." coz you can.... 8-) If I could, I'd have been OK a long time ago. I'm sorry but I'm afraid you don't realize how deep this goes. It's 3.48am here and the only thought that comes to my mind is an autodestructive one. It's over, I don't want to fight anymore. 6 years is enough. I don't want to be in this hell anylonger. My problem is my head. The only way to make things right is to turn it off. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 The problem IS Mes*, that you wont even try... You keep saying "No this and No that" and "I cant" instead of "Hmm, maybe I can.." I feel like you want me to post just so that you can tell me I'm wrong instead of at least trying to see things differently... You have so much to be grateful for yet you refuse to acknowledge it...Kids in hospital with bald heads because of the chemotherapy would be so angry at you for that...You have a health they can only dream of* We all are alone in this world....The only ones who can help us is ourselves... I find it terribly disappointing that you would place all your self worth on ONE girl...That is rediculous man... But OK... I really enjoyed getting to know you Mes* We'll miss ya buddy* I will pray for your mother and family as they will never recover... Link to comment
Carus Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Two more things: 1) No I haven't given up on you...I am always around if you wanna talk.. 2) I am not asking you to be instantly pain free and skipping through the tulips La LaLa...Just to try and reframe the way you percieve the world and Yourself... Now in one of your last posts you said you were going to hang onto the hope that you and this ex will get back together... Question: How will that ever happen if you are dead!? Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
Carus Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Mes* I just had a shower and had some further thoughts: I'm sorry but I'm afraid you don't realize how deep this goes. Please don't say that Mes* as I feel it demeans what I myself went through.....All I will say is that it took me years also to walk outta that place and I DO know how painful it is... I don't want to be in this hell anylonger. Yet you refuse to work with me and find a way out? Hmm, I sense incongruence there.... The only way to make things right is to turn it off. Disagree..... Now what does this week in China hold for Mes*..? Please answer all my questions^^ Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Two more things: 1) No I haven't given up on you...I am always around if you wanna talk.. 2) I am not asking you to be instantly pain free and skipping through the tulips La LaLa...Just to try and reframe the way you percieve the world and Yourself... Now in one of your last posts you said you were going to hang onto the hope that you and this ex will get back together... Question: How will that ever happen if you are dead!? Ever Forward Carus* 8-) I've been trying to reframe the way I see the world for the last 5 or 6 years. How much longer can I bang my head against the thick wall? As for your question... truth to be told we'll never be together again. I've made too many mistakes... I'd promised her I'd work on my behavior and I failed and now she has no basis to believe in any of my words... Tell me Carus, what do you do with a machine that doesn't work? Do you keep it or do you trash it? Would you keep a PC that doesn't function properly? Let's say you can turn it on but then you can't really work with it. It doesn't respond to your commands, it doesn't do what you want it to do. It's slow and faulty. At first you can try to change the insides, change some parts to make it work again but eventually the machine dies and has to be removed. I'm like such a machine. I'm dead mentally but physically I'm still running even though all my functions (like smiling or laughter, sense of humor like I used to have and many other "functions") are gone. And honestly I don't think that comparing my current health state to other people is appropriate because I suffer a major depressive disorder and that can be as bad as cancer or even worse because it won't kill you. It will make you do it yourself. Link to comment
Carus Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Tell me Carus, what do you do with a machine that doesn't work? Do you keep it or do you trash it? Would you keep a PC that doesn't function properly? No, but you are not a machine...You are a living soul who has been given the gift of flesh and blood and conscience thought...Good looks and good health...Why would you throw that away..? I can't just stop hoping that I and my EX will get together... It's the only hope I have ...truth to be told we'll never be together again. I've made too many mistakes... This tells me that you are having wild emotional swings... This is OK though as it means your body is healing itself as it process' everything...And acceptance is creeping in..also a good thing* And honestly I don't think that comparing my current health state to other people is appropriate because I suffer a major depressive disorder and that can be as bad as cancer or even worse... Damn harder to cure cancer, but yes I agree....you are extremely depressed and should seek professional help in your area. I do not mean meds either. I mean a help group or a good counsellor that you get along with.... I'm also wondering, you mention that you have been fighting this for 6 years and you are dead inside etc...What happened exactly 6 years ago to make you say this? Why did things suddenly go so dark for Mes*? You can PM it to me if you do not want to put it out here.... I await your reply... Carus* 8-) Link to comment
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