last chance that I'll give myself... or us... your comments needed

[Carus]

Ah thats a shame Mes* ~ You sound like a great guy with a lot of positives to bring to the world...

 

You're just in a bit of a funk right now s'all.....

 

First thing that needs to change is your mindset....Your cortex is releasing bad amino acids which are strengthening the negative receptors in your brain....

 

Maybe you should take a trip down to the kids ward at the local hospital to see just how lucky you really are*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

Carus, with all due respect... I'm guessing that if I were a great guy I'd still be with that girl, don't you think? I've been thinking about it all. There's nothing I've ever wanted more than to be loved and to love in return. I've always wanted to live but even though I have almost everything I need I just can't live withou love. If I come back to my country I'll have to live with my parents and that's unthinkable being who I am now and being nearly 28 years old. Secundo, I'm unlikely to meet a girl as wonderful as the one I've been trying to get back. Why? Because in my entire life I've met only one like her and lots of other girls with whom I didn't want to start anything. And I'm not a guy who can be cheered up by sex with casual girls. Last but not least, it would take me another 2 or 3 years to pull myself together. The worst part of all this is that if I only could be happy and make that girl happy I'd probably never think about suicide again because when I met her all my dark thoughts disappeared almost entirely.

[Carus]

Carus, with all due respect... I'm guessing that if I were a great guy I'd still be with that girl, don't you think?

Nope....I'm a great guy and my ex left me....It happens Mes*. You're not the first and you wont be the last.....

 

And I tried suicide so I know of what I speak.

I'm unlikely to meet a girl as wonderful as the one I've been trying to get back. Why? Because in my entire life I've met only one like her and lots of other girls with whom I didn't want to start anything.

Yep...You and every other guy on here....

 

I couldn't live without my ex either and I didnt for over 2 years! My life crumbled and stopped for pretty much all that time...

 

But after a while you get up and put one foot in front of the other...

 

Are you in Jail?

Are you in hospital?

 

Please think about some things that you can be grateful for Mes*

....it would take me another 2 or 3 years to pull myself together.

Then thats what it takes...There's no rush. REAL change takes time and action....

 

And kool, you'll be just over half my age...you lucky scamp lol

....because when I met her all my dark thoughts disappeared almost entirely.

Then that proves that it can happen....She may have made you feel better but it was your physical brain that was producing those thoughts and feelings*

 

But we could go around and around debating that stuff.....Like I said, for now just relax and breathe. Feel the pain, soak it up and cry it out so your being can do it's processing work....

 

In the meantime what else is going on for 2012? School? Sport? How about some short term goals....

 

I'm not posting on many threads but I'm here on yours Mes*. Keep posting for me OK. Don't let me down now buddy*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[learning2relax]

Mes......

 

First and foremost, if you cannot find counseling in the country that you are in, then please see consider seeing someone for medication to help you with your depressed state. If you have a chemical imbalance that is at play, treatment can help with that. While it cannot cure, it can help and at least help pull you up enough that you don't veer towards fatalistic thoughts.

 

From your posts, you appear to be very focused on a negative cycle or pattern of self thoughts. You mention that you were being treated when you moved to China and that were in a dark place when you met your ex who caused your life to fill with light. Your ex may have caused a "pause" in your healing - along with ending treatment due to your move to another country. I have to believe that there are ways to find counseling and/or other forms of treatment for you to pick up and continue to work on healing. You can chose to view this as an opportunity to heal and be even better than you were when with her. I know it is a stretch for you at the moment, with where you are due to the recent breakup - however, your focus needs to be on you getting better.

 

Responsibility for someone else's happiness is too great.....for anyone. While it possible, as you experienced with your recent ex, it is not sustainable. The healthiest people are the ones that are responsible for their own happiness and realize it for themselves, independent of anyone else. So put yourself in those shoes - if you are so focused on making someone happy and they expect you to play this role and hold you responsible for it, who is doing the same for you? You end up putting so much effort into someone or something else to achieve happiness that you end up depleted yourself. If two people in a relationship take responsibility for their own happiness then they can share that with the other. They don't have to constantly work, guess, get more creative, think outside the box, etc... of ways to "keep" the other happy.

 

This is your opportunity to find your happiness. Not for her. Not for winning her back. For you! Again, I realize that all this may be falling on deaf ears with where you are at right now - we have ALL been there. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - that is how we all found our way here....

 

If there is ever a chance that she would consider reconciling, the best position that you can place yourself in - is where you get you back to a happier place and sense of self. You can actually start to get back some of your confidence as well. When your energy is positive, you attract positive things to you in life (e.g. experiences, opportunities, relationships, friendships, etc)

 

We are most attracted to people that we want to associate with. We fall in love with people who enhance our happiness, confidence, etc.... Someone that challenges and/or inspires us to be a better person. However, as there are no guarantees in life, if they are to leave our life, it doesn't make us less of a person. We can choose to believe we are - but then we have put the burden of our happiness and being the best we can be on them. It simply cannot exist without you. People leave our lives in may ways....breakup, accident, death, etc.... Life does not exist without loss. You have to want to exist and be able to experience loss. Otherwise all of their investment in your relationship, all the inspiration they provided to you while in your life, is for naught.

 

I understand that you view her as your everything right now and that the mere thought of her not being in your life is devastating (again, we have all been there too). Perhaps you could consider to adopt a different approach.....try and honor her by being the man that she knew when you shared a relationship. Show her through your own self improvement that the light she brought to your life was not a careless investment made by her while you were together. Do this by taking care of yourself, finding help if you need it to get to a better place mentally and then work to be confident and happy, for you, independent of her.

 

Even when they are not in our lives to evidence this transformation, our ex's have an uncanny ability to pick up on this vibe that we put out. There are tons of stories on here of how people who were once in the depths of despair, start taking care of themselves, caring for themselves, investing in their own awareness and self growth - all of a sudden as if out of no where, are contacted by the person previously left the relationship. I want to be careful not to mislead - it doesn't guarantee reconciliation. But it does support the theory that your energy can attract them to you. You can choose to put yourself in the best position to attract the best things in life to you. It is easy to throw in the towel. It takes strength and will power to self motivate and improve your life.

[mesmerized]

 

In the meantime what else is going on for 2012? School? Sport? How about some short term goals....

 

I'm not posting on many threads but I'm here on yours Mes*. Keep posting for me OK. Don't let me down now buddy*

 

Appreciate it Carus... but I'm afraid we're all fighting a battle that is already lost. My life is coming to an end and it's not about losing a GF anymore. It's a much bigger thing. Something I can't even embrace. I've found a book entitled "Assisted Suicide" and found some info on Nembutal. The chemical name is Pentobarbital, Apparently it's something used in eunthanasia-friendly countries and it can cause death without pain. I need to buy it, get it somehow.

 

Why? Because I can't live like that. Without hope. Without love. Crying almost every day. Feeling so much pain. Feeling how miserable my existence is. Without any chances of getting any better. Even now tears are just coming down my face because I'm thinking about my closest relatives... but what can I do? How can I fight against something greater than me? I've tried so many times and I failed... why can't I just go? Just leave? Why can't people understand?

[endy]

The problem here is you are basing your happiness on a relationship. Want to know a reality to this physical existence that you are calling "life" NO RELATIONSHIP LASTS FOREVER. Does love? Yes it does, and that does not mean what you had at one point was not love. Love is free flowing. It is not a need/want energy. That is what destroys it. She isn't causing you pain anymore, you are by the way you are thinking.

 

True happiness comes from within. Loving someone correctly starts with to love yourself first and foremost for everything you are. That's where you need to get to. That's where we all need to get to first. Then, and only then will we love each other the right way. You're basing your happiness on a love object you were addicted to. Now it's gone, the chemicals your body creates are saying I need this person and it is controlling you. You have to learn to control your mind. The mind is a powerful, powerful tool.

 

I know where you're at, I felt like this. It's because of what your idea of love is. Love is not about being with another person. Love is a spiritual connection between two beings that is free flowing energy. Fear corrupts this energy. Fear, causes love to fail. What you are doing now is fearing all that you can. Life, how can you go about it alone anymore without your partner etc? You are living in fight or flight mode right now. Please take some time and relax. Don't play anything over and over in your head. Start saying I'm going to make it through this and put your mind to it and you will.

 

You didn't screw up. She didn't screw up. What is killing yourself going to do? All you're going to do is be born again and live the same thing over and over again. You're going to do that until you start to learn from your experience and gain wisdom from those experiences. That's why we're here in these physical bodies. To experience and gain wisdom from it. If you don't do that, you'll just come back over and over to learn the same thing. So if that's what you want to do, then you can do that.

 

You have to understand that people have free will. They have choice. She is doing what she feels is best for her. You're looking at it completely negatively. You aren't seeing that there is a lesson that can be learned. I can tell you many of them that you can learn right now. The most important is to stand on your own two feet. To love yourself for everything you are unconditionally. Love is not a form of codependency. That is created from fear of not being good enough. Everything is created from fear, because we know death. If we didn't there would be no fear.

 

Please take some time. Eat, go out, do whatever the hell you have to do, but you need to let go. Part of love is letting go when the time is right so people can experience and grow. Maybe that's why she did let go, because that's what she wanted for you as well. Did you ever look at it that way? People sometimes do it subconciously. They have emotions, and spirit saying this doesn't "feel" right so they let go. Seldom does one grow in life, and it's sad. That's what we are here for. To experience, but we have the choice to gain wisdom from ANY and EVERY experience. When we don't that is ignorance. I am not calling you ignorant. I'm trying to get you to wake up, and know that this life is more than one relationship, a marriage, or kids.

 

Pain and suffering signals a wrong belief internally. You're looking at it like it's your fault she left. It's not, because you did what you thought was best at the time for you. Now she's doing that for her. Let her go, and truly love her and yourself. It's part of a better understanding of love.

[Carus]

You have to learn to control your mind. The mind is a powerful, powerful tool.

 

Start saying I'm going to make it through this and put your mind to it and you will.

Endy* makes some good points and I pulled out this quote^^ coz you ask how you're gonna make it through....THIS^^ is how....

 

You ask why people don't understand....You really think you're the first person to feel like this and want to take your life? Sorry to say, you're not the first, and you wont be the last.....

 

I am glad you are at least considering your family because this will destroy them....D-E-S-T-R-O-Y them...!

 

Which makes me wonder...What did your parents/family do to you to make you hate them so much...?

 

I relate to where you are though Mes*....I didnt have this kind of support when I tried suicide and luckily my mother has forgiven me for that*

 

The world still has expectations of you Mes*....So please answer this question for me: Do you actually want to die and leave this beautiful planet, or do you just want the pain to stop?

 

Also, can you PM me a postal address? I want to send you a book

 

K Buddy. Keep breathing, keep walking, keep posting.....Again, Endys post is good but it's not gonna happen overnight....So let's start with some small steps and goals and soon you will look back and say "Hey wow, that stranger on the net who doesn't even know me was right...'

 

Thanks Endy for dropping on*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

The problem here is you are basing your happiness on a relationship.

 

Yes, I do, and in my humble opinion there's nothing wrong about that. Love is the only thing in this f... up universe that makes sense and can make people happy. I don't feel happiness no matter how much money I have or how exotic places I travel to because happiness is only real when shared and it's a fact.

 

You have to learn to control your mind. The mind is a powerful, powerful tool.

 

My mind is sick and I'm sick of my mind. It's been this way for 6 years now.

 

You didn't screw up. She didn't screw up. What is killing yourself going to do?

 

I didn't screw up? Then what are you gonna call messing around with her flatmate once? We nearly kissed. And then I realized what I was doing and I backed off but the harm was done. She gave me another chance and I couldn't use it. So yes, I did screw up

 

You have to understand that people have free will. They have choice. She is doing what she feels is best for her. You're looking at it completely negatively. You aren't seeing that there is a lesson that can be learned. I can tell you many of them that you can learn right now. The most important is to stand on your own two feet. To love yourself for everything you are unconditionally.

 

Yes, I do understand that. That's why it's not about her anymore. She can leave, let it be, come what may. But with all due respect... don't tell me about learning a lesson because I've been trying, like I said, to come to terms with myself and my twisted psyche for the last 6 years and I am where I am. Things are not gonna change. Ever. Because there's something WRONG with me.

 

I'm trying to get you to wake up, and know that this life is more than one relationship, a marriage, or kids.

 

And I appreciate your input... yet for me that's the definition of happiness. Like I said, if I can't build a relationship I won't survive. First and foremost because I don't want to live like that and secondly because I can't.

[Carus]

.....if I can't build a relationship I won't survive.

Question: How will you build a successful relationship (with somebody else) if you are dead? Please explain.....

 

And don't tell me you don't want anyone else as I have already explained, that is how you are feeling now, and that too will change in time....

 

You found her, you can find another....There are 6 billion people on this planet.....Odds are good Mes*

 

But still again I put forth that you need to look to yourself for happiness before you can be whole with somebody else....We got some work to do so let's get it started in here!

 

Keep goin'

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

Dear Carus,

 

Yes, that's what people tend to say... "the odds are good" Yes, there're other girls out there. I don't know how to put it but I'm pretty sure it's gonna take many years before I actually find someone similar to my EX GF. Here's the thing: I could have been with many girls but none of them were really worth fighting for. Here's a list of adjectives that would describe them accurately: trecherous, wicked, silly or - let's face it - dumb, empty, materialistic, to name but a few. Oh, forgot to mention "unattractive" Like I said before, I'm just a regular guy. Some people say I'm cute, others don't. Some people say I'm handsome, others don't. What I'm sure I'm not is a guy who goes out a lot. I'm just a quiet, maybe even boring chap who likes sunsets, long strolls through a park, books, dinners by candlelight, crazy surprises etc. etc. etc. Sometimes I'm a loner. I had ONE BIG CHANCE and I blew it Carus... She's exactly what the other girls weren't. Sexy, attractive, smart and funny. So... the odds aren't that good anymore, are they?

[pippy longstocking]

mes

 

 

is she worth your life darling ?

 

 

this is what you have to ask yourself

[Carus]

Mes my man!

 

You called me Dear Carus and didn't mention suicide once in that last post!

 

Carus* 'Likes' this....

 

Intriguing how this pain of rejection (by ONE person) can run so deep that people end up dying over it huh?

 

Imagine the wisdom you'll be able to impart to others when you can say 'I been there and I made it out'.....May sound crazy but I don't really expect any less of you Buddy*

 

I smell strength in there somewhere.....

Like I said before, I'm just a regular guy. Some people say I'm cute, others don't. Some people say I'm handsome, others don't. What I'm sure I'm not is a guy who goes out a lot. I'm just a quiet, maybe even boring chap who likes sunsets, long strolls through a park, books, dinners by candlelight, crazy surprises etc. etc. etc....

Haha...Actually mate I think your 'odds' just went up a notch...

 

And again I will put forth that you dont want someone similar to your ex....Once the wounds have healed and you're out in the sun again, we'll find you someone even better....That's a given*

 

2am here mate so I guess I better get some zzzz's.....Try and get some sleep too mate and eat something OK*

 

Talk tomorrow....

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

 

STAGES OF GRIEVING:

Denial/Shock

Anger/Bargaining

Depression/Pain

Acceptance/Peace builds

Moving Forward

[mesmerized]

Hi again,

 

I've got mixed emotions now... Here's the recent development of my situation:

 

1) My EX has found herself a friend (it's a girl) and they go out a lot these days. Clubs, pubs, restaurants, etc. Basically they hang out a lot together and party as well. It'd be OK, 'cause there's nothing I can do about it yet it hurts a lot because that girl has offered my EX to change the city after their contracts are finished. We teach English in Taiyuan, China and like I said before I talked my EX GF into coming here... Now I feel like she's stabbing me in the back or is about to do that. She knows how delicate the whole situation is and how much I'm hurting right now... (at least I guess she knows) I don't know what to do, I don't know how to talk to her... If she leaves... I'll have to go home. I won't stay here all alone... Do you think I should take a precaution and tell her to leave the apartment we're leaving in? If she doesn't give a damn about me anymore and if she's about to do what she's planning to... What do you think?

 

2) Let's have another angle here. I still wish I could be with her and I want to know if there's a slim chance to make her trust me again. Is there a way a man can begin rebuilding one's trust?

 

Do you think I should confront her and talk to her about the whole thing?

[Carus]

Another good post mate...'Mixed emotions are a step forward from where you were a few days ago..>Well done!

2) Let's have another angle here. I still wish I could be with her and I want to know if there's a slim chance to make her trust me again. Is there a way a man can begin rebuilding one's trust?

Sure, but first we gotta rebuild YOU Mes*.....Right now you are not in the right place to have a healthy relationship with her or anyone for that matter...

 

But I think we've already started OK*

Do you think I should confront her and talk to her about the whole thing?

Why, so she can push you away again..?

 

Of course this is only my opinion Mes*, but it is based on my own EXperiences and reading 100's and 100's of posts on ENA and other forums....

 

By the way, I've showed your thread to my current GF and she is rooting for you too now.. lol...She will be glad to hear you've come up a bit....*

 

Keep it movin' buddy....let's not worry about what yuor ex is up to...Tell us some of the stuff you've got goin' on at the moment...

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

I don't really know what to say... It's been another lonely evening and the third one in a row that I cried. I'm locked in this circle... I can't just shoot myself and I can't live normally either. I can't understand why I've had so little love in my life... Here's a little secret I haven't shared with you yet... I met my EX GF on the net... Yes. That's why I don't believe I'll ever find another girl. I just never had too many chances to meet people... I'll never have somebody I'll feel good with...

[Carus]

My Main Man Mes*

 

Great to 'see' you buddy*

It's been another lonely evening and the third one in a row that I cried.

For me that lasted almost 2 years! It was a long, lonely, dark road.....I once cried for 10 hours straight! I didn't even know that was possible..!!

 

However, crying is important...Think of it as squeezing the poison out....This is why you usually feel a bit better afterwards...Drained, but a bit better....It's like emotional vomiting. In fact, if you look up crying or tears on Wikipedia you will see that it is the body's way of getting rid of toxins and bad juju....So let it out when it needs to get out*

I'm locked in this circle...

For now....and I'm not here to try and force you to break it, but just by posting here and getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other you are slowly heading towards the exit door of this cycle....Even though most of the time it doesn't feel like it...

 

It's like the 'Doing weights' analogy....Let's say you start working out. Every day you don't really notice the change, but then you run into someone you haven't seen for a while and they say "Oh, have you been working out?".....

 

Same applies here....Keep going mate and you will see results*

I can't just shoot myself...

Well you can....But please don't.....You've already come so far since we first met*

...and I can't live normally either.

Define 'normal'....

 

You didn't answer these questions before so I will ask them again:

 

Are you in jail?

Are you in hospital?

Are you broke and living under a bridge living off refuse...?

 

There are some that are.....

I met my EX GF on the net... Yes. That's why I don't believe I'll ever find another girl. I just never had too many chances to meet people...

Um, well as far as I know, this is where a majority of people meet these days....Why can't it happen again Mes*? Please explain....

I'll never have somebody I'll feel good with...

If you tell yourself that then yes, that is what will come to be.....

 

You need to take control of your thoughts Mes* as they are what dictates your emotions.....

 

Think cr*p....Feel cr*p.....

 

So please start trying to think about some things to be grateful for that make you 'feel' better.....Lets start with my questions in this post....Please answer all of them*

 

Talk Soon Mes-star*...I gotta go for a swim then do some homework for Uni

Carus* 8-)

[mesmerized]

Before I read your post I had wanted to post this one, even though it's irrelevant now:

 

I realized I'm worth nothing, because I did things nobody should ever do. I used bitter words when I and my EX argued. Words that she'll always remember probably. If I couldn't make her happy, if I couldn't make her feel well and willing to build this relationship with me then I'm worth nothing. You might say that it's her fault too, yet it's me who feels gulilty because her fault is like 25-30% compared to my 70-75% I've lost the most wonderful human being I've ever met, not just a woman and I'll have to live with the knowledge that I ruined everything because I couldn't cope with reality, myself and some trouble. I'll have to live and remember every single happy moment. I don't really want to find another woman because it's going to be so hard to build a bond between me and somebody else...

[Carus]

Before I read your post I had wanted to post this one, even though it's irrelevant now

Good, now go back and answer my questions and then post just 1 good thing you're gonna do for yourself today....Even if it's just take a bath or eat some good food...I wanna hear it*

 

Also, if you were worth nothing I would have stopped posting with you a long time ago....Word!

 

Carus* 8-)

[endy]

Mes, you've made some progress. Carus has also given you a lot of helpful advice. I want to ask you something. Why do you think that a relationship is the only way to happiness? I'm going to tell you that if you believe the things you said to me on the other page that's exactly what the universe is going to give you. I can also tell you from experience there's no "one" person for us. I've loved several women, and when I felt that I would never find someone like that again I found better.

 

You are living in the past, and when you do that you are attracting the same experiences over and over again. What those beliefs are going to do which you outlined in replying to one of my posts... are going to promote experiencing the same pain and suffering over and over again. We experience that as a safety net... emotions are really your spirit telling you your beliefs are wrong. What pain and suffering is caused by is a wrong belief internally in other words. Using someone else for happiness will always result in pain and suffering because that's a fight or flight action. It's survival mode. You are going to experience these things over and over until that lesson is learned. You can not agree with what I'm saying. You have free will, you have choice and if that's how you choose to think then so be it. I'm telling you that you need to learn and grow from this experience, examine your ideas of what love is etc... Take the time to do that, and your life will improve tenfold. The past does not matter. It is only experience, and you were fighting to get back what was familiar so you would be more comfortable. Part of love is knowing when to let go. You will eventually learn all of this on your own.

 

Like I said humans have something called free will and choice. You can continue on that path which you stated in the previous post I am responding to. I did not quote it because it was very negative. The more positive you think, the more positive things you will bring to yourself. The other thing is, if you think getting her back would stop that it's only temporary. Anger and learning to control it takes time and discipline. Basically it would be the same relationship again. You can say no it wouldn't or not want it to be, but people rarely change. They prefer what is familiar. Also, you can't change for another person. You change to better your life. Good luck on your journey. There's a lot to be learned here, and I hope you take the time to do so.

[mesmerized]

Dear Carus, let me first answer your questions. I owe you some answers.

 

Define 'normal'....

 

That would be peace of mind, emotional stability, chances for having a family or somebody to share happiness with.

 

You didn't answer these questions before so I will ask them again:

 

Are you in jail?

Are you in hospital?

Are you broke and living under a bridge living off refuse...?

 

I'm not in jail in and I'm not in hospital. Not literally. But I do have problems with my mind. If I do have depression like I was told some time ago then I have to fight with it and still go on with my everyday, ordinary tasks. I can't just go to hospital and be cured. I'm locked in a cage and I'm not even sure if getting out of it is really possible. I think I'm unable to form any kind of relationship that would last longer than half a year. Once the initial stage is over things always go wrong.

 

Um, well as far as I know, this is where a majority of people meet these days....Why can't it happen again Mes*? Please explain....

 

It's actually quite simple... My first GF betrayed me. She went to bed with another guy just for the kicks. My very first relationship started when I was 23. After that there was nothing for a long time. Casual encounters with women that I didn't really want to be with. There was always something wrong about them. Then I met my current EX GF on the I-net and she had everything I ever dreamed of. I'm not putting her on the pedestal here. She managed to convince me that it's worth trying to believe that there're women who don't betray, who can be loyal. She has good looks, she's smart, she graduated from the same university, her major was the same, she loves the same kind of music and a bunch of other silly things... And I blew it. Sure, you're gonna say "there's plenty fish in the sea" but the odds are much lower when you think how many girls I dated before this one and when you think of all those things I wish a woman could have. Let me give you an example: I met a girl once who was a corporate worker... She had lots of pros but the spark never showed up because we had totally different approaches towards reality. And I've had lots of situations like that before. All I'm saying is that I ruined something that was like winning a lottery. And what are the odds of winning a lottery twice?

 

Not to mention one simple fact. My current EX GF was the only girl with whom I "went high" in bed, and I mean it. I just couldn't get there with other women. That's why I don't believe in "you're gonna find another one" I just know how hard it was for me to meet somebody. My GF on the other hand won't have problems like that. I'm damn sure she'll have lots of occasions to find happiness because she's just unique.

[mesmerized]

PS1 I don't know how I know it but I'm almost certain that this was my last relationship ever. Based on my past encounters with women I know for a fact that this was my last chance and I blew it... Probably I'll never forgive myself that.

 

PS2 How can I explain to her that the words I uttered were uttered in anger? She told me one thing: "you said so many different things, one time you said you loved me, another you offended me with words you shouldn't have ever used if I had been really the most precious person in your life... so what should I believe in?"

 

I don't know how to change that. She says there's no excuse for some things I said and I actually agree. It's not about getting her back anymore... it's more about letting her know that what I said in anger is not what I really think...

[mesmerized]

I want to ask you something. Why do you think that a relationship is the only way to happiness?

 

Hey Endy, glad you dropped by... Well, it's fairly simple. Happiness is only real when shared. That's what I believe in. In my view the only thing that makes sense is love. If I am to be single for a lifetime... then it's just pointless.

 

EDIT: I just want to add something to my previous posts... The reason why my EX is so special is because she accepted me the way I was. She didn't need a superhero and at the same time she's almost a wonder-woman. Usually it's like this: when a girl is beautiful and smart she's smug and big headed with enormous expectations...

 

I'm gonna hit the sack as my writing is getting sloppy.

[endy]

Ok, well if that's your outlook on life that's fine, but I can tell you that's simply not true, and that's a learned behavior. To love properly starts with to love yourself. Love is something from within, not external. It can connect two beings, and that is the energy you felt. So if the only thing that makes sense to you is love... then explain to me what it is, and what it isn't. What you are referring to as happiness is only real when it is shared is a codependent form of love I believe. That is not love. When a girl is beautiful and smart... she smug and big headed... that is a generalization. Why does she have to be beautiful and smart for you to love her? Unless you're referring to love as sexual attraction that is.

 

I think, and you will understand this later on in life hopefully there's a lot more for you to experience in this area, and yes you will be with someone again. I've felt the same in my past. I had a long 15 or so years of the same relationship over and over until I threw out my beliefs on what love is, about everything basically and relearned them.

 

Until you get to a point when you realize that it's the way you think and what you believe in yourself is the cause of this... it's probably not going to change. What I'm saying is if you feel like you do above... you're going to fall in love again, but you're going to have the same type of pattern/experience until you realize that something is wrong and it's on your end. Part of love is letting go to realize all of these things. It's about growth, and that's simply what you should be doing. You can spend your whole life thinking you need her back for happiness and that's your choice.

[endy]

Hey Endy, glad you dropped by... Well, it's fairly simple. Happiness is only real when shared. That's what I believe in. In my view the only thing that makes sense is love. If I am to be single for a lifetime... then it's just pointless.

 

EDIT: I just want to add something to my previous posts... The reason why my EX is so special is because she accepted me the way I was. She didn't need a superhero and at the same time she's almost a wonder-woman. Usually it's like this: when a girl is beautiful and smart she's smug and big headed with enormous expectations...

 

I'm gonna hit the sack as my writing is getting sloppy.

 

Also if happiness is only real when shared... you're telling me you were never happy without anyone? What about before you ever met her or when you met her? You weren't happy by yourself? Think back to when you were a child... before you even hit puberty. You were never happy being creative and expressing yourself? You never had a certain song light up your eyes and smile? Now depression is caused by repression of emotions or in other words you aren't inviting them up and dealing with them. You are pushing them back down. I did that with anger for a long time and it was basically learned from my father. It's not healthy and it causes dis-ease. Eventually someone that does this gets things like cancer etc.

 

Also, didn't you say you cheated on her? What about love is cheating? I think you understand love to be about sexual attraction. Most people that understand love this way once the in love phase dies off leave. You said your love was unconditional also. It's not, because if you did love her you would want her to be happy no matter what she was doing and who she was with. You would let go, and know that she needs to experience other things to understand love more completely, as should you. That is love. To love another properly you have to love yourself. What you are referring to is a chemical addiction to someone, which is really strengthened by fear. Almost all people understand love as this, so I'm not judging you, and I'm not saying I'm any better than you. Fear strengthens the addiction you think love is to the love object, and that's where you're at right now. Fear kills love. It's almost where everyone is at when they are dumped or broken up with. It's just my view.

 

What you're talking about is the first three seals of love and they are all animalistic. To give you a clue there's seven. You and every other being on this planet is much more than that. To look outside for happiness is not even logical. You can do that, but what happens when the other person stops giving you what you want? You aren't happy anymore, if you don't feel like giving them what they want they aren't happy anymore. That's really when love breaks and fear becomes involved. That's why the honeymoon stage ends. People stop getting what they want. Fear kills the connection you understand as love. Which is only PART of love. There is not one physical relationship on this earth that lasts forever. That's exactly why you shouldn't have to look to external sources for happiness.

 

You will understand this on your own without this post. Maybe not here, but you will. And if that's what you want to believe that is fine. So be it. Experience will prove that belief wrong. There is no right or wrong to me, because we are here to experience. I've been where you are at. So I'm trying to open your eyes a bit to a greater understanding of what love is, and what love isn't.

[mesmerized]

Also, didn't you say you cheated on her?

 

I did not cheat on her. The only thing I said is that my former GF cheated on me.

 

Let me copy and paste my previous post:

 

PS1 I don't know how I know it but I'm almost certain that this was my last relationship ever. Based on my past encounters with women I know for a fact that this was my last chance and I blew it... Probably I'll never forgive myself that.

 

PS2 How can I explain to her that the words I uttered were uttered in anger? She told me one thing: "you said so many different things, one time you said you loved me, another you offended me with words you shouldn't have ever used if I had been really the most precious person in your life... so what should I believe in?"

 

I don't know how to change that. She says there's no excuse for some things I said and I actually agree. It's not about getting her back anymore... it's more about letting her know that what I said in anger is not what I really think... I just need her to believe me

 

 

PS3. And yes Endy, indeed I'm scared, I'm full of fear.

 

A) Because I never easily fall for women.

B) Because every single person I know has settled down and is in a happy relationship.

C) Because I know how attracted I am to her (also sexually, yes) and how much I miss being with her.

D) Because she stimulated me and gave me a lot of courage. Without her I'd never come to China alone. So I'm like I child in a very dark corridor... I'm scared as hell because for me it's not easy to struggle with life's obstacles (finding a new job, living in the society)

E) Because I blew my chance to have somebody who really cared.