Carus Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 so you think she'll never give me a chance. I don't remember saying that no.... You are still alive. She is still alive...Who can say what will happen in the future... ..what is your plan of action to get your ex to come back to you and love you and stay with you for good? Please tell me..? You didn't answer my question...^^ 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 there's no plan. there's no hope. you're right. Link to comment
Carus Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 If hoping that this one incredible irreplaceable girl will come back to you is whats holding you up then hang onto it for now... Just keep everything else moving forward OK* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 you and I know she's not coming back. we can finish this. I'm * * * * ed up and always been. Link to comment
Carus Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 you and I know she's not coming back. I don't know that for sure...I am not God. I am not a soothsayer.... But putting that aside, what other decisions have you made this week? Will you stay in China and finish your contract? I think you are doing a great service by teaching people English there* 8-) Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 come on sweetheart , I know what carus means .. because your sensitive your reading into everything on a self destruct level .. none of us know each others future ..ok ..not even anna or my ex .. we want to be with them ..they don't know what the future holds , we dont .. have hope as dawn will always break after the darkest hour just to go onto what carus was saying , I also think it is fabulous what your doing there .. and adults and young adults too ..that must be harder then young children ..as in the respect of the younger they are the easier they absorb things . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 I have to stay in China till September for one simple reason. Things have changed. I have nowhere to go Carus. Yet, I can't stay here for another year. No place to go, no place to call home, no place where I could finally start settling down. I'm tired of not having any perspectives. I'm just tired of that. I'm fed up with living my life thanks to anti-depressive meds. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 how come you have to wait till September mes ? Link to comment
Divine010 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I have to stay in China till September for one simple reason. Things have changed. I have nowhere to go Carus. Yet, I can't stay here for another year. No place to go, no place to call home, no place where I could finally start settling down. I'm tired of not having any perspectives. I'm just tired of that. I'm fed up with living my life thanks to anti-depressive meds. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. This story sounded a little familiar to mine. One of my issue with my ex was he too liked alot of attention from other females and it wasn't like he wasn't getting any from me. He just didn't know how to deal with it and affected how I thought of him as a man. I just never understood the behavior and it made me feel like he didn't appreciate me. I never flirted back or got carried away with other men simply because they admired me or complimented me. Have some faith Mesmirized. Anything is possible. If you believe that you can work on yourself and show her that you can, then anything is possible. Try to focus on the positives. You are working and doing a great job. Find some kind of therapy, whether it be working out, speaking to someone esle that is fluent. You need to take all of your energy and focus on the realistic things and that is What can you do right now. If you girlfriend pointed out some issues that she had with you and you admit to them, then start there. Take your time and start there. The more you focus on getting her back, it won't lead no where because the same issue will pop up. So if you truly want to be with her, then you got to work and put the effort in. Until you find an option to move out, because you both need space to sort through this. Maybe you can do things after work that would allow you to stay out late, until you got home (library, mall, etc). That way you wouldn't have to see her for a few hours. I am not saying avoid her, but make it clear that you need your space. You don't have to be cruel to her and while you all are still living together, you will need to be cordial towards her. Kill her with kindness. But keep it short and sweet that's all. Showing that you are going to be mean or tough with her doesn't really show any progress. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 how ya doing mes ? Link to comment
Carus Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I'm tired of not having any perspectives. I'm just tired of that. I'm fed up with living my life thanks to anti-depressive meds. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Time to change things up a bit then.... 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 But since you are so Adamant, what is your plan of action to get your ex to come back to you and love you and stay with you for good? Please tell me..? What can I really do? Probably nothing. All cards are in her hands, it's totally up to her. I'm leaving in September, she's staying for another year most probably because her job-situation in Poland would be as tough as mine. So what can I do? If a girl tells you "stop doing this because you're hurting me" and you keep doing it then you must be * * * * ed up. If I were her I'd also have a hard time believing that our relationship can ever work out since I have already failed her. I'm the losing side here because I know that to replace her will be like winning a lottery twice. Unlikely? No. 99,9% impossible. There're no magical books that can turn the tide and make her want to come back suddenly next year or the year after that or whenever... I've got nothing in my dumb head if I let this happened, even though I got warning signals. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 how come you have to wait till September mes ? Because I have no place to go and I'll be jobless for a great deal of time most probably. That's gonna drag me down even deeper into the abyss if that's even possible. As a matter of fact I should stay here as long as possible. If I only could cope with reality. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Your post is full of hope... it's so dangerous to read it and yet it made me feel better a bit... We aren't living together anymore so that's out of the way... We only see each other at work from time to time. I wish I could do something magical that could change things yet I'm aware of my faults and she'll most likely seek for a clean slate with somebody else rather than give yet another chance to somebody who's already failed her... It's like reliving the same old story all over again... How many more times? Somebody once told me that I don't deserve to be with anybody and maybe he was right... Link to comment
Carus Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 What can I really do? Probably nothing. Good acceptance Buddy* And sometimes doing 'nothing' is actually doing 'something'... But hows this for a plan: Mes* starts to turn his thoughts around. He looks after his health and does the best he can at work. Anna enters into another relationship. After a few months Mes* starts feeling better about himself and the way things are. Annas relationship starts to lose its shine... Anna starts noticing the change in Mes* and gets curious about what he's up to... She starts sniffing around and instead of finding a sad Mes* full of doubt, insecurity and self-loathing, she finds a new more confident Mes* who is becoming a Man ready to take on the challenges that life will throw at him... Anna starts thinking.... There're no magical books that can turn the tide and make her want to come back suddenly next year or the year after that or whenever... Agreed* If I only could cope with reality. You are coping with it Mes*...Every day that you get up and put one foot in front of the other...Life ain't all roses for any of us.... Somebody once told me that I don't deserve to be with anybody and maybe he was right... Well firstly whoever that was is full of it...People who say that kind of thing are projecting their own insecurities onto someone else.... Someone will only hate you cause they want to be more like you* Secondly, don't take too much stock in what others are saying about you. If you try to please everyone in life you will end up in a straight jacket..! I find it intriguing how quite a few people have said very nice things about you in this very thread yet that one comment from someone affects you more than all of the comments in here....Why is that Mes*..? Glad to see you're pulling up again mate....They don't call it the Emotional Rollercoaster for nothing...lol But are you starting to see how the bad days come and go like the tide..? Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Dear Carus, But hows this for a plan: Mes* starts to turn his thoughts around. He looks after his health and does the best he can at work. Anna enters into another relationship. After a few months Mes* starts feeling better about himself and the way things are. Annas relationship starts to lose its shine... Anna starts noticing the change in Mes* and gets curious about what he's up to... She starts sniffing around and instead of finding a sad Mes* full of doubt, insecurity and self-loathing, she finds a new more confident Mes* who is becoming a Man ready to take on the challenges that life will throw at him... Anna starts thinking.... Sounds like a good plan. Of course it might also go a different way... I think all she needs is somebody to trust. The guy doesn't have to be handsome or super smart, he's got to give her this feeling of security... Well firstly whoever that was is full of it...People who say that kind of thing are projecting their own insecurities onto someone else.... Someone will only hate you cause they want to be more like you* I find it intriguing how quite a few people have said very nice things about you in this very thread yet that one comment from someone affects you more than all of the comments in here....Why is that Mes*..? The words were uttered by my EX EX's boyfriend. As for your second question... I used to believe in myself. I used to believe I was quite clever, that I had that "something" in the eye... or I had some good looks, not the best but quite OK. And now... how can one call me smart if I messed up so badly? Intelligence is about making improvement, it's about being able to correct your mistakes... and I couldn't. I failed. So here we are... a very shy guy with average characteristics got a girl who was out of his league... and managed to lose her. Great Adam, just great... Everybody used to tell me "wow, Anna is just gorgeous" "you're damn lucky Adam" Yes, I was lucky... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 mes I cannot bare to see anyone sell themselves short ... and I also cannot bare to see talk of "out of someone's league" nobody is superior to anyone else ....yes people might have complimented anna's gorgeousness , but how do you know her pals are not saying the same about you ... no body is out of my league ... I don't care how good looking , intelligent , successful a man is ... we are all Budha , we are all one . your failings that you keep focusing on are your state of mind mes ..your illness dictates this to you .. the thought process you have reminds you daily of your failings ...but never of your success ...and don't you come back to me and say you haven't got any. You have a hard journey ms to build your confidence back you .. to believe in yourself ..oh it wont be easy , you have to start your brain off from scratch now . your relationship has gone down the pan mes ..like many others ..but she is not a goddess to all who meet her , she is not an untouchable , she is not next for the throne ..only you have her on this fluffy cloud casting her love and beauty on this world .. please don't add to your anxiety but putting her in this realm ...I am sure she wouldn't appreciate it . don't let her be a loss for more reasons then she already is ..its so self destructive . A friend of mine who is in his 50's told me all he wanted was the find the love I had with my ex ..I was a bit shocked and asked him what he meant , I mean he has been married 4 times and has had a very colourful life .. he went on to say that our group of friends always comment on me and my ex, how we are in this bubble of love haha ..how you can feel the energy when we are together , how we are locked in a private world ..he called it the " ex's name love" they all wanted to find some "ex's name and les love " it makes me feel physically sick to recall that and to know we are not together ... my point .. well you HAVE GOT TO find some way to stop this self persecuting mes .. mes darling you had a good day ..then crashed back down ..I knew this would happen ..how ? well because this is how it works..one good day and 2/3/4/5/ whatever bad days ...in the end the good days will outweigh the bad days ..it's just hard work to get there. I know your struggling darling but you have to try and quit the thoughts ...it's very hard , one therapy technique is to just shout "stop" do it 50 times if you have to , but everytime a self defeating failure of a thought pops in your head ....say/shout "stop" at least give it a go . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi Star, I'll try to fight off those low-self-esteem thoughts... It's just that the memories are so vivid, so fresh... not so long ago I lay next to her in bed cuddling her and playing with her hair... I had so many plans for us. I wanted to marry her one day and now I just have to tell myself: try to move on and keep your head up. The worst part is that she truly wanted us to be together. Otherwise she wouldn't have given me another chance when I failed her for the first time. I'm not a guy who takes whatever life brings... I don't jump into bed with the first girl I come accross, I'm really careful about those things and before I met Anna I couldn't feel anything for anybody... It just felt so right. We both had the same major, we share the love for blues, we both sometimes act silly and sometimes serious... we used to call each other nicknames, we used to send each other text messages with "the word of the day" in English... and so many other little things. Maybe if I was different I'd feel better. If I was one of those clubs-going men who dress up every Friday to practice their elaborate pick-up techniques... but I'm not. I'm just a quiet boy who wants to have a very simple life... and I'm afraid I'll reject anybody on my way because I'll compare every girl to Anna. But yes, I'll try to stop my thoughts going around how unworthy I am or was... Link to comment
Divine010 Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 Hi Star, I'll try to fight off those low-self-esteem thoughts... It's just that the memories are so vivid, so fresh... not so long ago I lay next to her in bed cuddling her and playing with her hair... I had so many plans for us. I wanted to marry her one day and now I just have to tell myself: try to move on and keep your head up. Maybe if I was different I'd feel better. If I was one of those clubs-going men who dress up every Friday to practice their elaborate pick-up techniques... but I'm not. I'm just a quiet boy who wants to have a very simple life... and I'm afraid I'll reject anybody on my way because I'll compare every girl to Anna. But yes, I'll try to stop my thoughts going around how unworthy I am or was... Yes, you will become what you think, so please don't let your thoughts get that best of you. The more you put yourself down then the more you won't believe you can't climb out of this hole. You got to keep reminding yourself of the good qualities that you have. Your ex wasn't perfect and you BOTH played a role in the relationship. You both made mistakes. She may be beautiful, but that's not why you loved her. I am sure she still loves alot about you. Everyday, write down something you like about yourself and repeat them back to yourself if you have to: "I am strong, I am caring, I am a good person.. Whatever it takes because you are getting through these days and there may be feel more down than up but you are getting through them. Trust me, my ex is one of those club going people, but this is how he is dealing with the break-up. Doesn't mean they are over you and have moved on. He rather not deal with the issue or the reality of the break up, so supressing them, going to drink and forget about things. But that's what works for him. People cope with break-ups differently. From what you are telling us, she hasn't moved on, but she isn't ready to work it out either. This is how she is coping with things I think. Another thing, from a womens perspective she has to feel secure in order for things to feel "right" again. Feeling secure, she has to know that she can trust you again. That will take time. From my situation, no matter how many times I got up and told myself to trust this person, it didn't help. He lost my trust to the point I didn't feel secure anymore and I like to think that I was this well rounded person, secure, with good self-esteem person before I met him. But some how he took that away. Maybe that's what she is going through. She doesn't have to stress about being insecure in the relationship anymore. She doesn't have to stress about you anymore and what you are doing wrong. Thinking to much stresses us all out. But some how we all lose our way, where now we are not so confident in ourselves or in the decisions that we make. Mes, that's going to take time for you to build that assurance back up within yourself again and I mean longer than 3 months. Even if you got back with her tommrow, you may feel wonderful, but only for a moment and then there's those internal problems knocking on your door to deal with. So don't worry about the time you are spending apart, but the time that you are spending with yourself to get better. I can't say that I am more happy that I am not with him. Some days are good and some not, but I still feel the same about him. However, I do notice that I am no longer stressing over things about the relationship and that feels great. I still care and still love him but don't NEED him in my life. 2 months ago, I replayed everything back in my head over and over and it was painful, but today no more. So you too will get past this. This is the process unfortunately. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 5, 2012 Author Share Posted April 5, 2012 Another thing, from a womens perspective she has to feel secure in order for things to feel "right" again. Feeling secure, she has to know that she can trust you again. That will take time. From my situation, no matter how many times I got up and told myself to trust this person, it didn't help. He lost my trust to the point I didn't feel secure anymore and I like to think that I was this well rounded person, secure, with good self-esteem person before I met him. But some how he took that away. Hello Divine, thanks for dropping by. I can feel a lot of calmness in your posts. The way I understand your words is that to regain somebody's trust is both possible and... not. You said that your EX brought things to such a level where you couldn't trust him ever again. My question here is this... how can I try to regain her trust if we don't have too many chances to talk? And another one... wouldn't you say that my EX could choose an easier way and just find somebody with a clean slate? PS. I did some thinking last night and had some terrible nightmares afterwards. I think I know what drives me crazy so much and it's actually not only related to my EX, surprisingly. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 5, 2012 Author Share Posted April 5, 2012 PS. There's one more thing. Actually two things. 1) She knows I'm struggling with some form of a depression disorder. Don't you think she'll always feel reluctant to be with somebody who has this kinds of issues? 2) I'm leaving China in September and she'll probably stay here for another year... I'm afraid it'll greatly affect our contact. Link to comment
Carus Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 I think I know what drives me crazy so much and it's actually not only related to my EX, surprisingly. Excellent stuff Mes*....Now hold that thought, go back and read our PM's and then let me know what you think it is that is affecting you.... 1) Don't you think she'll always feel reluctant to be with somebody who has this kinds of issues? 2) I'm leaving China in September and she'll probably stay here for another year... I'm afraid it'll greatly affect our contact. These are things that you need not be concerned about right now mate. We having bigger fish to fry and things will play out as they will....Let's deal with it then... Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted April 5, 2012 Author Share Posted April 5, 2012 These are things that you need not be concerned about right now mate. We having bigger fish to fry and things will play out as they will....Let's deal with it then... so... basically what do I do? just concentrate on work and treat her just as a co-worker for as long as I stay in China? Link to comment
Carus Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 so... basically what do I do? just concentrate on work and treat her just as a co-worker for as long as I stay in China? Yep* Unless you have a better plan...? 8-) Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 so... basically what do I do? just concentrate on work and treat her just as a co-worker for as long as I stay in China? agreed and seconded Link to comment
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