Lived together for 7 years and he still doesn't want to marry me.

[Batya33]

I don't blame you for being worried. If he didn't believe in marriage, that would be one thing. But he DOES believe in it and that's the worrisome thing. And he wants to marry some day. But not you ... not after seven years.

 

Yes, you have reason to worry.

 

I agree with this and I wouldn't fall back on the truisms/cliches of "there are no guarantees". We all know this and yet many of us want marriage - why would so many people go through the effort of taking vows if they truly believed it meant nothing because there are "no guarantees". I can guarantee you, for example, that my husband wouldn't be in my life now if we weren't married, no matter how much he loves me. Why? Because he also loves himself and he wanted to be in a marriage and start a family -if I hadn't wanted those things too he would not have waited around for 7 years while I made up my mind in the way your SO is doing. He might have if there was a legitimate issue/reason with an ending point that I believed in - so if your SO told you that in 3 years he will be ready because he will have resolved/worked out whatever he needs to then you at least would have something to work with and would feel reassured that it was more of a timing thing (3 years being very long but something like that) than this vague "not ready now". I don't blame you for having your standards and it doesn't mean you love and appreciate him any less because you have a goal of marriage. If that were true then the same could be said of him -that he didn't love and appreciate you enough because he wanted you to give up your life goals/dreams.

[murdock604]

Very sad to hear, but unlike women, men don't mind a relationship stagnating. Marriage and weddings aren't fantasies for most boys, and most are happy dating a woman without marrying her. If he hasn't married you after 7 years, he never will, no matter what you tell yourself.

 

The age gap also worries me; I don't mean any disrespect but you're a lot older than him, hell he could be dating your oldest daughter if you guys weren't together.

[Batya33]

Very sad to hear, but unlike women, men don't mind a relationship stagnating. Marriage and weddings aren't fantasies for most boys, and most are happy dating a woman without marrying her. If he hasn't married you after 7 years, he never will, no matter what you tell yourself.

 

The age gap also worries me; I don't mean any disrespect but you're a lot older than him, hell he could be dating your oldest daughter if you guys weren't together.

 

My husband and I discussed marriage before we got back together and the first time around that we dated I believe he started discussing it fairly early in the relationship. And that was true of almost all of my serious relationships. So yes it's true that many men don't fantasize about a wedding reception --and seeing marriage and weddings as "fantasies" is fun when you're a small child or teenager getting ready for prom - but most of my women friends had the right balance between the party/celebratory aspects and the very serious aspects -nothing wrong with some fantasy if your feet are on the ground. I think many people confuse marriage with a party to celebrate a wedding and the fact that most men want to leave the party planning to their spouse has nothing to do with whether they take marriage seriously. In fact, those people who focus more on the marriage than the party probably take it more seriously.

[sada88]

I agree with Batya. Every guy I've dated discussed with me whether or not if they are looking for marriage with me in the span of one year of us dating. Also, I've been dumped for refusing to let a relationship progress into more of a "serious" and committed level because I wanted to have fun instead. I'm also in my early 20s too. The way I see it, if a guy doesn't want to talk about marriage or progressing into marriage by the time it hits 4 years of dating (3 years dating and 1 year living together), I would end it.

[Ariel85]

Maybe it's me, but calling your kids "our" kids really creeps me out. I don't know why, but your threads always have such a predatory tone to them, I'm always uneasy reading them.

 

It's like you met him when he was a manchild, and the next thing you know, he has children, joint finances, beneficiaries... I get the feeling these are all things you pushed upon him, and because you've been very good at controlling him. I think he was a young guy, enjoyed sleeping with the hot MILF at 22, but now that he's a bit older, he realizes what he's gotten himself into. Which is why he's digging in his heels on the marriage issue.

 

If his excuse for not marrying you after 7 years is because there's too much drama, he's snowing ya, sister. "Drama" is life, and life will continue to happen. As long as his family protests your relationship (and I can get where his Mom is coming from), and "your" kids are still living at home, he is going to have an excuse to not marry you. I hope you can realize that few Mothers would be thrilled that their unencumbered young son, with his whole life before him, hooked up with a significantly older woman with a lot of baggage and three children. You may see them as "our" kids and think that playing house was all his idea, but I'm certain his family doesn't see it that way.

 

Chicklet - you've been posting here for a while about your frustration on why he won't marry you. What's going to give?

[Stay_home]

I really agree with a lot of the posters' assessment of the situation. I don't think he wishes to be legally bound to you through marriage; right now if the going gets rough it's an easy slip through the crack for him. I think you know that and I think he does too, very well. And here's another thing to think about as well. Seven year relationship, living together, financial responsibilities - you both are already living the lives of a marriage so to speak and I think that's as far as it's going to go and he's comfortable with that.

[Saffron_]

If he wanted to marry her they'd be married or the ceremony would be imminent. Obviously she's not ok with not being legally married and I don't think that legal marriage is a piece of paper - it is, to me extremely serious and meaningful. He may have no plans to leave but he certainly has no plans to commit because if he did he would share those with her - "someday" isn't a plan it's a vague dream and probably a stall tactic.

 

I also think that marriage is extremely serious and meaningful, but I've only come to that conclusion after years of not being bothered about it. Unfortunately, my partner of 10 years doesn't ever want to get married so OP, I can relate to the hurt you're feeling. In my case, I can't hold any resentment towards my partner because he told me when we met that he didn't want to ever get married and I'm the one that changed my mind. In your case however it sounds, like batya says, like a stalling tactic. If he's raised your youngest as his own (the youngest calls him daddy right?) and he wants to marry you 'someday' but he doesn't know when, after 7 years together, I don't think it's likely to happen.

[Chicklet]

Oh, it'll happen. lol. He's so wonderful. He just bought me the most beautiful Pandora bracelet and a 4 day trip to Tennessee for Christmas. We're off to a snowy mountain chalet in 3 weeks and life is just beautiful. He told me over Christmas (when he gave me my gifts) that he's never been happier and he couldn't imagine a single day without me in his life. He told my oldest daughter last night that when she has a child, he wants to be called "Poppy". When they started to tease him about it, he said that he welcomed the idea with open arms.

 

I think this year will be the year. My bankruptcy will finally be off of my record. Our finances and likelihood of buying our dream house are finally within reach and he has also been saving money on the side so that he "will have it for whatever he may need it for" (which I think will be a ring sometime this year)

 

I know that in a lot of cases, our relationship wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell of surviving. But ours has done nothing but thrive and we are doing excellent. Not even fighting anymore. Life is so sweet and peaceful. I'm very hopeful for our continuing future.

[Ms Darcy]

I really hope it works out for you hon! Good luck.

[Chicklet]

I started this thread in November of 2011 and just wanted to let you all know that I backed off and told him to do what he needed to do. Just last week, I posted about how I have been frustrated and have been complaining to him about things that annoy me and oddly enough, a few days later, he seemed to have a change of heart????? He came home from work on the 13th, after visiting the jewelry shop for pandora beads, and told me that he looked at engagement rings while there. He said that he's been in there so many times before and always went straight to the beads. He said that this time was different. He told me that he loves me and that he can't imagine a life without me and that he's ready but that it's going to come out of nowhere, so that I'm not expecting it. He said that he didn't even want to mention the fact that he was looking at them, because it takes away the surprise factor, but he felt compelled to tell me because he had a question about the type of ring that I might want. I WAS SHOCKED. I didn't expect those words to come out of his mouth AT ALL. He said that he had several picked out but that they were so expensive that he didn't know how he could ever pay for them. His question was about the cut that I would prefer.....he already had an idea but wanted to be sure. I told him that I liked the cushion, asscher and the radiant. I then told him about simulated stones (asha and moissanite)....and even about the possibility of gemstones. I told him that I didn't care because it wasn't about the ring at all! I was almost in tears!!! lol But he told me that he wanted it to be beautiful, just like me and that he had some searching and saving to do.

 

I'm having all sorts of feelings and emotions. Happiness, shock, impatience, excitement and well, to be honest, disbelief!!!!!!!

[Chicklet]

I could care less about the stone.....but I am curious if any of you have any experience with simulated stones or gemstones. Do you think that they are an acceptable alternative to a real diamond? I kind of like the idea, especially because of the whole "blood diamond" issue.

[lavenderdove]

Well, it's now been 8 years, and he could be 'saving' for a long time so this could just be another stall...

 

I'd tell him you'd be perfectly happy with a simulated diamond, and if he really wants to save for one, he can give you a real one on your fifth wedding anniversary, and what you REALLY want is to get married THIS YEAR.

[Chicklet]

Ugh. I don't want to give him an ultimatum on marriage. I mean, after all.....I DON'T even want to do it THIS year. I want to be able to go away with a group of close friends and family and just get married in the mountains or at the beach, then have a nice vacation with those that we love the most. THAT will take some planning. I want a celebration of some sort and I want it to be memorable. Is that bad of me? Thinking about a wedding? Should I just be thinking of the marriage and say the hell with a celebration and a ring? I hate when I find myself questioning my initial thoughts.

 

However, I WILL be sure to tell him that I am absolutely against a real diamond. For several different reasons. One being that I don't want him to have to save for a year just to buy a real one. I'm curious to see how long it will take him to buy something. As I said earlier, I'm in disbelief. I do have the feeling of "I'll believe it when I see it".

 

Should I start pushing for an engagement like I used to or just let things happen? And if I just let things happen....how long do I allow that???? blah. I just don't know. All of a sudden, this feels like a game

[HeatherB]

You can elope if you want. And no one even says you have to have an engagement ring. It can be any type of stone you want.

 

Some women care a LOT that their rings impress other women with carat size and whatnot. I think it's great that that's not your big goal.

 

You can write your own rules together with your man. It's your marriage, after all. You're the one who's going to have to live in it.

[Chicklet]

I feel a little odd now. lol. I mean, he came home and from out of nowhere tells me he looked at rings and was ready but needs to save. He shouldn't have mentioned it to be honest because now I'm going to be thinking about it. Do I bring it up again????? Right now, he is sitting beside me, looking on Criagslist for a car. Now, we need this car and he's been saving for it. So, as soon as this car is purchased, our savings will have to pretty much start all over again.

 

I hate that we share bills and bank accounts, then I wouldn't be privy to how much he is saving and how much he is spending. Am I going to be waiting for another year to get this fricking ring?? Omg, this is a pain in the a**. Our living together for 8 years has got us so tied at the hip that nothing can really be a surprise. Ya know what I mean???

[Chicklet]

You can elope if you want. And no one even says you have to have an engagement ring. You can write your own rules together, since it's your marriage.

 

Eloping sounds great to me, but then again we would feel strange about leaving the kids out of it. And if you're taking kids....you're not really eloping. lol And as for the ring? As bad as this might sound to some people, I want a ring. I want him to have a ring. Now, before anyone says anything....I KNOW it's not about rings. It's about the relationship of the married couple. But I like the idea of a ring being a symbol and I know that he does too. I could care less how much they cost, as long as we have them as a symbol of our love. And even as I type that, I realize that it probably sounds cheesy to a lot of people, but it's the way that I feel.

[Chicklet]

Well, it's now been 8 years, and he could be 'saving' for a long time so this could just be another stall...

 

I'd tell him you'd be perfectly happy with a simulated diamond, and if he really wants to save for one, he can give you a real one on your fifth wedding anniversary, and what you REALLY want is to get married THIS YEAR.

 

Lavenderdove........I just keep reading and thinking of this post. IS IT JUST ANOTHER STALL????? I mean, after all, it was just last week that the whole "marriage thing" came up again. I think I mentioned it in another thread though??? In the past year and a half (since the two threads started), I just gave up and quit "nagging" him about marriage. Then I found myself starting to feel bitter about his "bad habits". Being messy, forgetting the trash, playing his games for too long. I started complaining about those things again for the first time in a long time and he took notice. I KNOW HE DID. He started being more mindful again and things were really nice. I wasn't nagging about marriage, he wasn't acting like a slob and things were good. (still are) BUT THEN, last week, 2 days before he told me about the rings, his best friend called to say that he was getting married. Well, him and his woman have been together for 9 years. I don't know if you read that post or not....but when he got off of the phone with his bestie, I pretended that I hadn't heard a word of the conversation and then I ended up making a comment about "giving up on marriage".

 

AND THEN on Valentine's Day, my brother got engaged. Him and my guy are great friends too. lol I'm super happy for him too!!!

 

Anyhoo.....I haven't mentioned their engagements to him once. As a matter of fact, tonight he told me that his bestie is already complaining about his woman being "all about wedding plans already". So, what is his reason for bringing up rings??????? Is he deciding that it's time? (Because I KNOW that he loves me!!) Or is he thinking that he better get his stalling shoes on now? And if it's the later.......THEN WHY??????????????????????? He's so good to me!!!!!!! If you knew him, you would know it. He's the best!!!

 

Omg, I feel like I'm not making any sense!!! I'm so confused.

[abitbroken]

Okay - you just said this yesterday:

He said that he didn't even want to mention the fact that he was looking at them, because it takes away the surprise factor, but he felt compelled to tell me because he had a question about the type of ring that I might want.

 

And after one day or two of him not proposing yet you are going off the deep end about if he is stalling or not. You voiced your opinion about gemstones and imitation diamonds and diamond like gemstones. He knows what your feelings are. He wants to save up for something you would like, but he also wants to be by surprise also. So please relax. sure, he could be stalling - but then again it could be tomorrow, it could be 6 months from now. He said it will be out of nowhere. If he doesn't propose within a year, though, he might not ever. But also, because of the age difference - there are lots of guys who don't feel ready to marry until about his age anyway.

 

If he needs a car - it sounds like he is being sensible and getting a used one - that is more important than a ring if his doesn't reliably get him to work. And is he good with not having biological kids?

 

Also, how are things with your daughter? Is there still drama in your lives or have things settled down? I know this could have been one thing that might have made a wedding bad timing.

[abitbroken]

 

I hate that we share bills and bank accounts, then I wouldn't be privy to how much he is saving and how much he is spending. Am I going to be waiting for another year to get this fricking ring?? Omg, this is a pain in the a**. Our living together for 8 years has got us so tied at the hip that nothing can really be a surprise. Ya know what I mean???

 

I think its hard for you because you already bestowed many of the shared property and rights of marriage to him --- making this relationship more serious than it was early on artificially. I think that you guys should think about having separate accounts - if you have a joint bill account, each have your own savings, etc, too, taken off the top of your paychecks so you can have some personal freedom. Maybe you change things back when you are married, or keep a little separate money so you can do these things, etc.

 

I think that you have to decide how long you are willing to wait - with no ultimatums and if you guys are not moving towards marriage by the end of this year you decide if you can be happy unmarried or leave him to find someone who wants marriage. Normally I would say if you weren't married by now - he should have been out the door - but being what his age was when you guys starts this relationship, I think there may be a couple years of leeway on that. But its getting close.

[Chicklet]

Well, it pains me to tell you all this, but we were sitting in the living room, me on my laptop and him on his xbox when he asked me what I was doing and it all just came out. I asked him why he mentioned the rings to me and he said because it was true, he looked at them. I then said, why do you feel like you HAVE to buy me a real diamond? And he said that he felt it added value to everything??????? I said, it wasn't about the price of the ring and that he knew how I felt about real diamonds anyway. And then I asked him again, WHY did you tell me about the rings? Was it to buffer any "discussion" that might arise out of the fact that in 2 days, 2 of our favorite people were engaged?? And he said that it had nothing to do with it. Then I asked if he was hell bent on a real diamond and he said yes. To that I asked if he was making that a requirement so that he could stall for more time and the look on his face said it all. I then said, well do you think that we'll be engaged anytime this year? And he said that he still wasn't ready for marriage....totally avoiding the question but still quite the sting. I pushed the question again and he said I don't know. I then told him that I am tired of having this "comfortable little life" and at the same time feeling not worthy. I told him that we his reasons about dramas were nothing but excuses and that I was tired of being fed his bullsh*t. Life is about dramas and marriage is not only about love and companionship but it's also about overcoming life's adversities and we already are doing that, yet still, he isn't ready. I told him that I couldn't live his lie with him anymore and that I felt like he was just having his cake and eating it too. To which he told me that I WAS doing the same thing???? I told him that I was the one that wanted to get married and he didn't.....and it wasn't fair to me. I told him that I love him but I needed to love myself more. It was as if I just broke up with him.....without it being said. But really, I guess I've given him an ultimatum??? I mentioned being engaged this year......so he knows what I expect. I don't know how I'm going to be in this house with him after this conversation. I have never been so confused in all of my life. I really haven't

[Chicklet]

I am off of the deep end because of the realistic advice that Lavenderdove gave me. And she was right. Stalling. that's all it was

 

Things with my daughter are much better. I hate that everyone seems to think that I leave her out. She lives with us and is with us on everything that we do together as a family and even things on our own as mother and daughter. I think her problems before stemmed from not knowing what to do with her life after H.S. and college wasn't working out. She loves my guy and he loves her. We really are all a tight knit family.

 

And as for him really not wanting biological kids? He tells me know. but my head tells me that it's not true.

[Chicklet]

aaaaaand now here he is. He just came upstairs to the bedroom to talk. "Baby, please know I love you. What are you doing? Who are you talking to on the internet? Please give me a kiss". I told him that I was so confused and then he said he was going to the bathroom and that he would be right back to talk to me. Who knows what he's going to say. I feel like he's playing games with my heart. But he's NOT a player. He's so good to me! Completely devoted!! to me and to the kids! I'm so damn confused!!!

[Batya33]

"I want a celebration of some sort and I want it to be memorable. Is that bad of me? Thinking about a wedding? Should I just be thinking of the marriage and say the hell with a celebration and a ring? I hate when I find myself questioning my initial thoughts."

 

I planned my infinitely memorable celebration in 6 weeks -there were 10 of us total. The most magical and yet natural day of my life and I loved who we had there, too. Yes, especially in your circumstances the marriage should be more important than the party -but you definitely should celebrate no matter how many people are there or if no one is there.

 

He's not playing games from what I can tell but if he is you are playing worse games by telling yourself stories about what he really wants and making excuses. If he is asking you what kind of ring you want and telling you he wants to save (sorry little time to read) then yes simply tell him you're happy with an inexpensive ring (you can always get a different one at a later time) and that your priority and focus is the marriage. (You can always have a big party later)

[Huntress0527]

Please go back and reread what I wrote on your other thread. My friend has been with her man for 10 years now and are engaged. Engaged before me, supposed to be married before me and still haven't yet. They are moving into a house they just bought this week and still no marriage. I really think he got her the ring to shut her up and I think that's what your guy is pulling too even though you aren't nagging about it he knows you want it desperately.

 

I will be really surprised if he goes through with getting married.

[Mercurial Girl]

I don't understand why you keep putting up with this.

 

Set a firm date together to get married. Book a venue. Get on with it. If he drags his feet, leave. Seriously, leave.

 

If he wanted to marry you, he would have already. You know this.