Lived together for 7 years and he still doesn't want to marry me.

[Batya33]

Thank you for this....

 

No, it is not the only way for him to prove his love. He proves it, every single day.

 

When I say that I believe in marriage.....I suppose that really all I am doing is lying to myself. It's not "marriage" that I believe in....it's love.

 

 

 

I have a lot of things to re-think.

 

I believe in marriage and love. I'd be lying to myself if I tried to convince myself otherwise. If you truly are lying to yourself and you've spent all this time evaluating and thinking about why he doesn't want to marry you, then be sure to reconcile why you'd spend all this time/energy/thought on a lie. To me anyway it's not just a piece of paper just like my academic degrees aren't just pieces of paper. How do you really feel?

[Chicklet]

Regarding his mother and thanksgiving. Maybe she's turning over a new leaf or extending an olive branch. Who knows. You and your boyfriend should plan to see who you both would truly like to see on thanksgiving and disregard people's possible malicious motives. Where does your boyfriend want to go for thanksgiving?

 

We talked about this, this morning. I told him that I am willing to go because maybe she is trying to extend an olive branch to me. He told me that there was "no way in hell that he was going there". I asked him why and he said that he was afraid it would just be drama and he was not so sure that an "olive branch" is her true intention. I kind of think that she has said more to him than he is telling me....

 

I asked him what he would like to do for Thanksgiving and he said that he didn't know and didn't want to think about it yet. I'll ask him again, later.

 

I was thinking that maybe we could just have dinner here at our house. We have several friends that have no place to go on that day, so it would be nice to give them a place to go...

 

I know this much....he loves me today, just as yesterday and all of the days before. And so far, NO dramasodes AT ALL. LOL Thank you, Jesus!!! lol

[Chicklet]

I believe in marriage and love. I'd be lying to myself if I tried to convince myself otherwise. If you truly are lying to yourself and you've spent all this time evaluating and thinking about why he doesn't want to marry you, then be sure to reconcile why you'd spend all this time/energy/thought on a lie. To me anyway it's not just a piece of paper just like my academic degrees aren't just pieces of paper. How do you really feel?

 

Okay, I suppose that what I REALLY believe in is a marriage with him. I didn't believe in my first marriage....I knew it when I married him. I was a single Mom with NO PLACE to go. He was convenient. Sorry to say that, but it is the truth.

 

This is the first time in my life that being married has meant anything to me. And it's nice because the person that I want it with is a person that I love with all of my heart.

[Huntress0527]

I believe in marriage and love. I'd be lying to myself if I tried to convince myself otherwise. If you truly are lying to yourself and you've spent all this time evaluating and thinking about why he doesn't want to marry you, then be sure to reconcile why you'd spend all this time/energy/thought on a lie. To me anyway it's not just a piece of paper just like my academic degrees aren't just pieces of paper. How do you really feel?

 

I agree with this.

 

Why should you have to settle if marriage is something you truly want down the line? Honestly the longer people are together the less likely they are to get married it seems. Just as an example, a friend of mine has been with her fiance for 10 years and were engaged before I got engaged. They are still engaged to this day while I got married. Don't get me wrong I think they are happy in their situation but if marriage is something you want then you shouldn't have to give that up, you know? I know you can't rush anyone into marriage but after 7 years a person should know.

[Chicklet]

 

 

 

Also, it seems that you have purposefully joined your lives as if to slowly creep up on him and try to make yourselves married all but in name so it would seem to make it hard for him to say no - but he is saying no right now. I think that joined bank accounts and kids calling him daddy are not a reason to force him to stay. I in fact think it wasn't right to have your child call a boyfriend - unless he was the child's biological dad - daddy. You can't find a younger man and groom him to be the husband you want.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by most of this statement I never "purposefully joined" anything. We fell in love. As for TRYING to make ourselves married??? Well that's just nuts too....He wanted these things......the joint accounts, his idea. The new Saab (his idea). Me being is beneficiary (his idea)......it goes on and on.

 

Infact, in the beginning, I tried to tell him to find someone more his age. Someone that could have children with him. Someone different. He wouldn't hear of it. The thought of not being with me make him sad.

 

As for our son calling him Daddy........he was 13 months old when we got together. He was the ONLY man in his life. It just came naturally. I still remember the first day our son called him that.......you couldn't wipe the smile off of my guys face. He was so happy. He loves that child. Oh, and blood means nothing to my guy.....His father was adopted (never knew his bio parents). His mother was adopted by her step father (he real father was a drunk and still lives nearby, they NEVER speak)....and his grandpa, whom he loves SO MUCH....isn't even his real grandpa....but he's the only g-pa that he has ever known.

 

If (God forbid) something ever happened to our relationship.....he would still be in the children's lives. I have no doubt about that.....there are alot of bio dads that don't even do that.

[Chicklet]

I agree with this.

 

Why should you have to settle if marriage is something you truly want down the line?

 

Because I respect him and I love him. And furthermore, I must believe in him. In us.

[Chicklet]

If I were you I would really sit with myself and think about why you want the things you want. Is it because you feel that after all this time that's the next appropriate step, therefore it should be taken? Is it about what other people think? Or do you question his level of commitment to the relationship and feel this is the only way for him to prove his love?

 

I DO believe that his mother wants him to either marry me or leave me. There is no middle ground. I believe her to think that he is just playing house with me.......

 

I wish I didn't care what she thinks....

[Chicklet]

 

 

Bloomin heck, abitbroken. You'd make an excellent criminal prosecution lawyer. "I put it to you, your honour - The OP is a cold and calculating hussie who set out to trap a younger man. Bring in Exhibit A." You don't think that this paragraph is deeply insulting? And deeply disrectful?

 

Deci

 

EXACTLY!! I haven't forced him to do anything. He makes his own choices. We respect each other in that way. I don't groom him to be anything....he lives his own life.

 

Thanks, Deci for picking up on that post, I had commented on it earlier myself

[Chicklet]

I agree with this.

 

I know you can't rush anyone into marriage but after 7 years a person should know.

 

I never said that he didn't know if he wanted to marry me. As a matter of fact, he said that he does. I only said that he doesn't want to do it yet....after 7 years, he's still not ready.

[Ms Darcy]

So have you reached the point where you are ok with no marriage?

[abitbroken]

Bloomin heck, abitbroken. You'd make an excellent criminal prosecution lawyer. "I put it to you, your honour - The OP is a cold and calculating hussie who set out to trap a younger man. Bring in Exhibit A." You don't think that this paragraph is deeply insulting? And deeply disrectful?

 

Deci

 

Maybe that didn't come off the right way. I have been guilty of it myself. Neither my ex and I wanted to be married when we met. Eventually i decided i wanted to, but wasn't sure if he ever would but did the wrong thing and quietly hoped he'd come around someday. I didn't do this all "on purpose". We both needed a place to live when roommates left, so it was convenient to move in together, not even thinking about what it "meant". Then eventually, we adopted a dog together. It got to be a pain when one of us left for a business trip and had to pay our share of the bills way ahead so we opened a joint account, or even for a time, had separate but shared debit cards so whoever was home could pay. I put him on my car insurance. All these little things that weren't "meaning anything" at the time added up. ANd then one day we turned around and one of us said "Gosh, we live together, share a bed, have a "kid", share eachothers bank accounts, know each others ss#, just like married folks. We might as well be married." ANd the other one freaked out saying that all those little things didn't MEAN anything and we were far from ready to get married. ALl of those things sort of just built up without either one of us planning a master plan.

 

What happened is we did get married after awhile (we were together 8-9 years before getting married!) but it didn't last long. My ex sort of felt that we were too intertwined at that point and it would be really hard to break up with me. And since he didn't want to be old and lonely, he married me. At least according to him. I thought it was genuine.

 

I suspect, that without her "trying" to do this, the OP sort of has the feeling that "see, we are a family, we share everything" - and thinks that her boyfriend, with alll this being so, will automatically have the same readiness towards marriage. It will be easy to be married because the outward trappings appear as if they are and they "practically are" but its different for him on the inside. All that stuff is individual things or facts not equally to the same whole as the OP or maybe more women in general think it is.

 

I am with a wonderful boyfriend now. (me and my ex divorced). we both discussed that we are interested in getting married someday to the right person and have since decided that its eachother. We have decided that spending the night, comingled accounts, living together is for married folks, and we are looking forward to doing that when we are married. I am not saying you are bad for doing those things without marriage but maybe both of you have a different idea of "what marriage looks like". ANd it doesn't have to match my idea, but your ideas have to match eachother.

 

To you, you might have just about everything and now think that you have what "marriage looks like" so assume he feels the same. Marriage may look different or be more to him.

 

It is very true that guys have to wait until they "feel it" = and he is not "feeling it yet".

[Chicklet]

Thank you for your reply. I read every word of it and I can honestly say that your relationship with your ex was nothing like mine. You were just roommates that came together, probably out of loneliness? I don't know. All I know is that my relationship was started with a much different foundation and none of our decisions were made out of convenience....they were made because we were in love. Still are.

 

I actually feel better today. He and I are still the same ol' happy couple. No kid dramas tonight. No outside family dramas either. lol. Just good times, dinner, xbox with the kids, movie.

 

I've decided that I'm going to be realistic in what I know....and what I know is that I have never felt more loved in my life and YES!!! I do want to be married to him one day!! (not gonna lie to myself on that one). But I am also willing to give him all of the time that he needs. I have no reason to believe that he won't make me his wife one day. He is completely devoted to me and to the kids and he has never lied to me. In 7 years I have never been given a single reason to question his love.

 

So yeah...26 hours after starting this thread, reading all of the replies and thinking rationally....I feel good about everything. I have an amazing life

 

I'm glad that I started this thread. It's been good for me. Thanks for all of your replies. They are genuinely appreciated.

[Chicklet]

So have you reached the point where you are ok with no marriage?

 

Yes! I'm okay with it for as long as it takes. I know in my heart that one day, he's gonna make it happen. He's gonna do it when I least expect it and he's going to make it the most memorable event of my lifetime. I am confident in his love for me and I am confident in his promise that one day, he will make me his wife. Yesterday, I just got scared because of the "momma drama". But believe me, he is with me for better or worse. This man loves me.

[abitbroken]

I urge you to not just throw it under the rug and be "OKAY" with things that really, really bother you. You come here periodically with the same thing - your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you yet. It doesn't get resolved other than you occasionally bringing up and then deciding that you were thinking silly. it clearly bothers you even if you snap out of it.

 

No, we were not "just roommates who came together". There were great times, but I was just sharing what relates here. It is just that unfortunately I was willing to give up all the things i thought were in a marriage and gave them to him for free. And I maybe thought that it was a natural progression. But doing the outward things didn't make the inward happen any sooner. There was no motive to get married as much on his end because he had it really good. There was no reason to make a decision because there was no consequence for not wanting it (life would not change, and he still had me living with him) and if it was yes, life might not change dramatically for him either, or so he thought. And ultimately, what killed the relationship were issues at year 12 that we had at year that carried over through the whole relationship. There were always excuses too. And what I should have done is left well before year 12 and met someone who was on the same page.

 

In my relationship, we had fantastically good times too. And then every so often I would feel as you, but not share it with him after awhile but were nagging inner doubts. Why aren't we married? Am I not good enough? Why does everyone tell him that they can't understand why he doesn't snap me up? Why do people think I am the best thing that has happened to him...and nothing. And then I would convince myself that I was okay with everything the way things were. That silly me was just confused by the latest drama. and i sort of forgot about it for awhile. I was really surprised when he popped the question, for sure.

 

If you are thoroughly satisfied at the age you are and the age of the relationship to think about looking forward to marrying him "some day"...are you really truly happy with that??? I don't mean towing the line, but really is that what you want? You have to have an idea of how long you are willing to wait. Can you be happy if next year he decides that he still isn't ready to marry you?

[Batya33]

If you knew he was never going to marry you, how long would you stay with him? That's how I would look at this situation if I were you. You're so focused on how the proposal will be this memorable event that he will "make happen" - that's only a tiny part of getting married and certainly not the most important or nearly most important part. Sure, nothing wrong with following tradition and having him do the actual proposal but after 7 years together I would think that you'd have discussed how you're going to make your long term marriage happen, not a proposal and a party. If you were fine with "when I least expect it" then you wouldn't be posting here. If he wanted to marry you he at least would tell you when he will be ready and why specifically he needs time beyond 7 years together to be ready. That's why I think that you must ask yourself how long you'd be willing to stay if he was never going to marry you and when that time ends -whether that's today, in a year, whatever you tell him that you need to be apart from him because you two don't want the same things and if he changes his mind he knows where to find you. Not as an ultimatum - you're stating the obvious, the reality, that you two are not on the same wavelength. Wanting to marry someone "someday" after 7 years together is virtually meaninglesss IMO.

[bulletproof]

Hi chicklet,

 

If marriage is what you want, then it is what you want. That's the end of it. These are your feelings. Marriage is important you. There is no shame in that. Logical reasoning about how unimportant marriage should be to you, should be disregarded. No need to lie to yourself if you feel it's an important issue. It will only lead to resentment and be counter-productive in the long run. Be honest with yourself.

 

Nobody here is telling her that her feelings are unimportant or that marriage is unimportant. In fact, I think the opposite- marriage is an incredibly big deal, and as a result should not be approached lightly. And to me, not applying any logic and just thinking "I want that because I just want it" is approaching it lightly. What I am hoping is that the o.p. will think about why she wants marriage, what really is important to her, etc., because right now the relationship is not in the best state. There are arguments and family issues that might need to be addressed before anyone decides to make this a permanent arrangement.

[mhowe]

I disagree. I think the OP realizes that her signifcant other loves/adores her -- is there for her and her/their children. That marriage is something he wants, with her -- just not this minute. He has no plans to run, no plans to look outside --- but the ages and drama surrounding her kids and his family just are overwhelming right now.

 

He has married her in his heart, and I think that for now, that is all that should matter.

[lavenderdove]

Actually, one thing did stand out for me here... when people talk you have to really listen carefully to what they say sometimes to really 'get' what they're saying.

 

He made the comment that he will only marry ONCE and will do it with the right person. If you've been together 7 years and if you think he is saying you are the right person, then that begs the question why isn't he marrying you? I would take the sum total of what is going on here to be that he is not 100% sure you are the right person or else why not do it? All of his 'reasons' for not wanting to get married now sound more like excuses and hedges to me. He can't envision life without you right now, but he is not sure the relationship will go the distance, so therefore doesn't want to marry you because he only wants one marriage and dreads the idea of divorce. So he'll just coast until he makes that decision.

 

The excuse about wanting 'no drama' before marrying really is a silly argument, because life is about change and drama and conflict. As the say, the only escape from stress is death! And if he says he wants you both to be happy when married and hence wants to wait until you're happy, then he's essentially saying he ISN'T happy now which is something you should pay serious attention to and try to resolve before the rift widens. Marriage isn't about freedom from stress, it is about commitment to overcome life's challenges together. He's got it all wrong there and you should see that and not ignore that his subtext is he is unhappy with things as they are or he wouldn't say things like he can't marry until everyone is 'happy.'

 

If he is truly as committed to you as he claims to be, then the drama would be irrelevant because he would choose you for his wife regardless of what is going on in either od your lives and stay with you in sickness and in health and in drama or not, no matter what.

 

I also find it a bit disturbing that you keep referring to your youngest two kids as 'our son and daughter', yet you do have a third child that obviously has been emotionally excluded from your idea of family in so many ways and is not considered 'his' or part of your 'real' family. No wonder she is trouble if because of her age she was too close to his age to be factored into your nice tight little 'foursome' family and was relegated to being an outsider because she could NOT fall easily into a father-daughter relationship with him and accept him as a 'daddy' figure because they were close enough in age to be siblings or date each other. Your oldest may have threatened you and your BF's relationship because she was clear evidence that he is almost young enough to be your son more than your partner, and she might have been extremely uncomfortable with you dating a guy who is closer to her own age than yours. That is a very common problem when someone is a teenager as she was when you took up with a guy who was only 22 at the time, very upsetting and when parents expect kids to instantly accept someone as a surrogate stepparent when they are that close in age. You've really done your daughter a great disservice by forming this tightknit foursome that calls your two younger children 'our' kids, but your older daughter is just viewed as a troublesome afterthought or a 'family plus one' hanging around causing trouble, and as troublesome baggage and evidence of the large discrepancy in between you and your BF's ages. She should have been considered an equal part of the family rather than you just rushing in and naming him father to your younger kids while she hung out there wondering where the heck she fit into all this...

 

The other thing that is working against you waiting around longer here for marriage is that the age differences are usually fine when both are younger and look reasonably the same, but as you age and start looking like his mother rather than his partner (and sadly the 40s do wreak havoc on one's looks and the signs of aging accelerate), the game may change and he may start to exclude you gradually in the way your oldest daughter seems to have been relegated to outside the family circle over time, regardless of whether she lives with you or not. The shift as he moves away may be subtle, and even he himself doesn't know how he'll react as you age out of proportion to him. Perhaps he is a truly unique person where looks absolutely don't matter, but sadly that is usually the death knell of many an age-gap relationship when the woman hits her mid-40s. And many men in their mid-40s dump long term wives, even if they're the same age as each other, because they really don't feel sexually attracted to dating a woman who reminds them of his own mother because she is aging. There is a strong cultural bias against older women, sad but true. So he might very well be waiting around to see if he still feels the same when you look more like his mother than his partner, and that WILL come in the next 5 or so years. He will be in his prime then, and you will be rapidly declining. He certainly is not going to say 'i'm waiting to make sure the age difference doesn't turn me off later', but that could well be it. No one would voice that, but it might be weighing on his mind as you age.

 

So i don't really think he has 'married her in his heart' if after 7 years he says he intends to marry one day and only once and only to the right person, yet he on the other hand claims she is the right person yet still he won't marry her. Those two arguments don't line up, so there is more going on here if he is playing at being a family with two out of the 3 kids who are young enough to potentially be his, but refuses to make it official even when he is someone who has no objection to marriage and says he intends to do it.

 

So how would i handle this? I would first recognize that his 'reasons' are really excuses here after 7 years together. He is stalling for some reason, and having things going on in your life (good and bad) is not sufficient reason since life is about change and such things. You need to have more concrete discussions rather than just 'i love you honey and can't envision life without you'. Those are VERY common non-committal things to say, and people will sometimes say them right up until the day they bolt and/or run off with someone else.

 

So you need to try to clear the roadblocks to the marriage. Tell him, I want to get married in one year. What do we need to resolve to make that happen? Do you need to get some therapy with your oldest daughter and him to straighten that out? Do you need to stop giving a hoot about his mother and just accept that she's an older lady who doesn't like her son living in sin (as she sees it) and will be cranky until you guys get it together and do marry or recognize he's not committed and break it off. Do you need to stop doing whatever it is you are doing that causes financial stress? Him get a better job? You get one? Do you both need to commit to refusing to argue and instead just sit down one day a week for half an hour to discuss how to handle any issues?

 

You need to sit down and work thru every one of the supposed issues that is preventing the marriage. Make a list of what they are and write them down, and they need to be concrete rather than nebulous excuses. If he can't give them to you, then you have to accept that maybe he is not sure about marrying you and might cruise until some new woman attracts his attention then he bolts. That is usually how these long term live in situations work if one of the couple is not sure it will be a lifetime commitment, but doesn't want to live alone so they only move on when someone new who is perceived as a better bet enters the scene.

 

A great majority of the world doesn't like their mothers-in-law, in fact many hate her and have a constant struggle with her... the issues change, but the problem is as old as the hills to not get along with a mother-in-law, so your best bet is just decide it is what it is and don't fight with her and try to bury the hatchet and refuse to heighten the drama. At 42 you should be able to throw your own Thanksgiving with just your own kids and not care about things like this or worry about who is snubbing whom at any moment in time. Just refuse to play that game. And honestly, his mother is actually making some sense here saying your BF needs to poop or get off the pot after 7 years. She wants you either firmly in the family, or to quit playing like you are when her son won't marry you.

 

It doesn't matter if your BF is listed as a parent on your younger kid's school forms or that your his beneficiary etc., it is still all OPTIONAL and in no way legally binding. He could walk out tomorrow and have no legal obligation to your kids, change his beneficiary, withdraw half the money take his name off your bank account etc., and that's the end of it. But he is smart enough to know if he marries you, he might have to pay spousal or child support if the judge orders it, and it is a whole new legal responsibility. It also means he can't just take up with someone else on a moment's notice without making himself look badly in a divorce as a cheater. But as a single man, he has no real obligation to you other than any optional ones he chooses to take one, and that could change. He won't leave you because he wants to have kids with someone else, but he more likely would leave you because he decides someone else is a better fit, and will 'replace' your kids with new kids when he has them. It happens all the time when men leave women for other women, they leave and start a new family with someone else, regardless of how much they may have loved the children of their prior relationship.

 

I also find it a bit disturbing that you keep referring to your 'two' kids and 'our son and daughter', when you do have a third child that obviously has been emotionally excluded from your idea of family in so many ways. No wonder she is trouble if you frame your family as you, your BF and 'our' kids when 'our' only applies to the youngest two. Her age she was too close to his age to be factored into your nice tight little 'foursome' family and she was relegated to being an outsider because she could fall into a father-daughter relationship and accept him as 'daddy' because they were close enough in age to be siblings and she was clear evidence that he is young enough to be your son more than your partner, i.e., closer to her generation than yours. You've really done your daughter a great disservice by forming this tightknit foursome that calls your other 2 children 'his' kids, but your daughter is just viewed as a troublesome afterthought or 'family plus one', or troublesome baggage and clear evidence of the large discrepancy in between you and your BF's ages since she is closer to his age than you are.

 

So i am not the least bit surprised there is drama there... she could be acting out in all kinds of ways without really addressing the true problem, that you've relegated your oldest daughter to being an outsider in her own mother's family because she is closer in age to his than to yours. All of your posts clearly point to that attitude towards her, and talking about 'our two kids' and that 22 year old that is the 'other daughter' but not considered his, that really gave you away there... you need to deal with that and straighten it out and work harder on repairing that damage you have done your daughter because you wanted to form a family with a much younger man that didn't conveniently include her because she was too old and too close to his age. She may be 22 now, but this all started when she was a vulnerable teenager and it probably did some serious psychic damage to her. That should be your top priority now, and you also need to really get to the bottom of why he won't commit or there is a good chance you'll be dumped within the next 5 years when it will be harder to find a partner, your own age or otherwise since the world does not view middle-aged women kindly. You can be happy in life with or without a man, but you need to grasp the practical reality that he may be on his way out (slowly) if he refuses to marry you after 7 years. The 7 year itch is notorious, and a sea change in relationships, so you'd best try to figure out whether he'll marry you now or not if marriage is imporant to you, or else decide you're willing to wing it and accept it if he takes off in 5 years when your youngest becomes a teenager and it makes him feel old before his time and like he doesn't need to stick around for the two kids anymore.

[Batya33]

I disagree. I think the OP realizes that her signifcant other loves/adores her -- is there for her and her/their children. That marriage is something he wants, with her -- just not this minute. He has no plans to run, no plans to look outside --- but the ages and drama surrounding her kids and his family just are overwhelming right now.

 

He has married her in his heart, and I think that for now, that is all that should matter.

 

If he wanted to marry her they'd be married or the ceremony would be imminent. Obviously she's not ok with not being legally married and I don't think that legal marriage is a piece of paper - it is, to me extremely serious and meaningful. He may have no plans to leave but he certainly has no plans to commit because if he did he would share those with her - "someday" isn't a plan it's a vague dream and probably a stall tactic.

[abitbroken]

I told my bf that I know that we will get married when it "feels right" to him and I won't push it, etc, but I also don't want to be sitting waiting for an apple to fall on my head and do nothing. I agree with lavenderdove that if you want this, you have to actively work on the issues that lead to marriage - it is no guarantee that it will make it happen, but you cannot at this point, just sit around and not say anything and "wait" for him. Dealing with the daughter, etc. Otherwise it will be 2 years later and you are in the same boat... I in fact suggest putting your daughter first, as her mother, even if it means your boyfriend temporarily moves out - to bond, to address issues, etc. and to help her develop into the young woman she has the potential to be versus having her as the black sheep. That relationship is for life no matter what.

 

I have to say that I agree with lavenderdove's assessment about the mother - she can't fully embrace you because her son has not decided to officially include you yet. And keep in mind, it could be a little awkward for her that her son is living with a woman that may only be 10 years her senior depending on how old she was when she had your boyfriend. She may have initially wondered what you could want of him, and it has taken her longer to warm up. But she might be trying..

[Chicklet]

I love him so much that even if I knew he would never marry me, I would still stay with him. Why?? Because at least I would still know that he was going to be with me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there's no crystal ball to tell me so. And yes, I know. There are never any guarantees, so why fret?? Why?? Because I'm 42 years old and it gives me anxiety not knowing if he is going to stick it out for the long haul!

 

OMG. I HATE THIS!!! lol I hate the not knowing...ya know?? I swear that sometimes I feel like I need him to marry me in order for me to have some peace. Peace in knowing that he TRULY loves me. The reason I feel that way is because I KNOW, FOR A FACT, that he wants to get married one day. ONLY ONCE. I don't want to wake up one day and start a new life without him, knowing that I was never going to be "the one". It drives me crazy just to think about it. It really, truly does. I wish that I could just relax and let love live...but omg...I get anxiety ridden sometimes.

 

Another reason that I worry is because his mother doesn't approve of our relationship. I'm pretty sure that she hates me as a matter of fact. Why?? I'm not sure, but I THINK it's because of our age difference. He hasn't seen her in person since June. He's only talked to her a handful of times on the phone and he has turned down 2 dinner invites because of me. I told him to go without me, but he refused. I feel terrible that he's caught in the middle. But I also don't understand why he doesn't take up for me to her.

 

Tonight has been a bad night. I even called his mother a c*nt tonight while discussing her with him. He's not too happy about it either.

 

Part of me thinks that I need to just gather up some money and "set him free" of me, of the responsibilities of the kids, the responsibilities of the bills, everything. But then I think of our lives without him and it makes me so sad that I feel sick to my stomach and the tears just flow........

 

Sometimes I wonder if he ever imagines a life without us and if it's appealing or if it disgusts him like it does me.

 

I feel so alone and lost today I feel like I need a doctor to talk to. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I just enjoy what I have instead of sabotaging it??????

[John3572]

It may not be that he does not want to marry you, he may not want to get married. If he's still with you and you guys are in love, it shouldn't matter.

[Chicklet]

Lavenderdove.........I cannot thank you enough for your last reply. Everything that you said makes perfect sense to me.

 

Thank you. I have much work to do.

[abitbroken]

I love him so much that even if I knew he would never marry me, I would still stay with him. Why?? Because at least I would still know that he was going to be with me for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, there's no crystal ball to tell me so. And yes, I know. There are never any guarantees, so why fret?? Why?? Because I'm 42 years old and it gives me anxiety not knowing if he is going to stick it out for the long haul!

 

I felt this way with my ex. I was with him a bunch of years and I instead of going for what I wanted, adjusted to what he was dishing out. If he didn't believe in marriage or just didn't want to marry me ---then okay, I then thought marriage was unreasonable and I am "happy with what I have forever" --- not. There is no guarantee he will be with you forever. Even if you married, he could pass away ahead of you, you just NEVER know. I know you honestly don't believe that you truly want to be together forever--umarried.

 

 

OMG. I HATE THIS!!! lol I hate the not knowing...ya know?? I swear that sometimes I feel like I need him to marry me in order for me to have some peace. Peace in knowing that he TRULY loves me. The reason I feel that way is because I KNOW, FOR A FACT, that he wants to get married one day. ONLY ONCE. I don't want to wake up one day and start a new life without him, knowing that I was never going to be "the one". It drives me crazy just to think about it. It really, truly does. I wish that I could just relax and let love live...but omg...I get anxiety ridden sometimes.

 

You do know the answer. You just don't like the answer. He does want to get married "someday." But he has told you repeatedly that he won't marry you at this time. You know why. It could be a little because he is not ready to settle down in general, but a lot he has expressed about all the drama that constantly goes on. I forget the sequence about - was it your niece and his brother or something? or your daughter and his cousin? That will not change until you stop putting your boyfriend first, and put your oldest daughter first. You need to make a huge effort to bring her back into the fold, and if it means the boyfriend temporarily moving out so you can reconnect with her, than that is going to have to be. At the very least, counseling for her or family counseling for you and her. You have to deal with these issues.

 

You are not only slightly dividing your family in this relationship, but are dividing his.

 

You constantly have a negative opinion of his mom. Firstly, you refuse to look at his mom's turkey day invite as a peace offering. You keep looking for a hidden motive, and here you are calling her the c word to him. She might very well like you or want to like you as a person, but you are making it tough. Just because someone doesn't agree or embrace your life doesn't make them someone who hates you. Look at it from her perspective - her son moved in with a woman at a young age. She didn't correct her 18 month old form calling him "daddy" - so the mother may have felt that was manipulative on your part. She may wonder if her son is happy considering that he hasn't married you yet. And she could just be afraid of him getting his heart broken. And since you have been around, she hardly sees her son. At this point, she is probably TRYING to accept things.

 

It is not enough for you to say "go without me" when you are invited to his mothers house. You say "we are a family," but you don't act like one except when it comes to what you want for your kids. The family INCLUDES his parents, siblings, etc, as well as your children. And there is no way that he should marry you if he feels he has to be isolated. In other words, you can't expect all these things of him, and yet not put forth the effort.

 

I don't know if he imagines a life without "us," he may not think about it, but he might possibly think that he is not totally loving what you have right now.

 

I would definitely seek counseling but DO NOT do it in order to merely "keep him". Do it for yourself.

 

I would't jump the gun and overreact that "okay, he was upset I said something, what if i have to dump him?" But there is truth sometimes in setting someone free, so they can choose you or not choose you freely versus being tied down. Maybe if you keep hitting a wall like you are, then it might be time to take a breather -whatever that means to you both- and seriously work on your own personal issues. I would make an effort on your part to really, really control your mouth, btw.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't blame you for being worried. If he didn't believe in marriage, that would be one thing. But he DOES believe in it and that's the worrisome thing. And he wants to marry some day. But not you ... not after seven years.

 

Yes, you have reason to worry.