Lived together for 7 years and he still doesn't want to marry me.

[abitbroken]

I am off of the deep end because of the realistic advice that Lavenderdove gave me. And she was right. Stalling. that's all it was

 

Things with my daughter are much better. I hate that everyone seems to think that I leave her out. She lives with us and is with us on everything that we do together as a family and even things on our own as mother and daughter. I think her problems before stemmed from not knowing what to do with her life after H.S. and college wasn't working out. She loves my guy and he loves her. We really are all a tight knit family.

 

And as for him really not wanting biological kids? He tells me know. but my head tells me that it's not true.

 

What I was getting back is seeing if there was any major drama that would be the reason for the delay - some tragedy that happened or something. Thanks, you answered my question. I had friends who wanted to marry but delayed the marriage because of a terminally ill parent and a surgery for a child (it was a major one).

 

 

To that I asked if he was making that a requirement so that he could stall for more time and the look on his face said it all. I then said, well do you think that we'll be engaged anytime this year? And he said that he still wasn't ready for marriage....totally avoiding the question but still quite the sting. I pushed the question again and he said I don't know. I then told him that I am tired of having this "comfortable little life" and at the same time feeling not worthy. I told him that we his reasons about dramas were nothing but excuses and that I was tired of being fed his bullsh*t. Life is about dramas and marriage is not only about love and companionship but it's also about overcoming life's adversities and we already are doing that, yet still, he isn't ready. I told him that I couldn't live his lie with him anymore and that I felt like he was just having his cake and eating it too. To which he told me that I WAS doing the same thing???? I told him that I was the one that wanted to get married and he didn't.....and it wasn't fair to me. I told him that I love him but I needed to love myself more. It was as if I just broke up with him.....without it being said. But really, I guess I've given him an ultimatum??? I mentioned being engaged this year......so he knows what I expect. I don't know how I'm going to be in this house with him after this conversation. I have never been so confused in all of my life. I really haven't

 

Read the bolded part. Did he tell you that he wasn't ready, or was that you saying it - your quote - kind of calling him on the carpet?

 

I don't think you gave him an ultimatum as much as you set a boundary.

 

I think that you keep caving on that boundary because you say "he treats me so good!" He may be nice and sweet to you. My ex was very sweet to me at times though he was wrong for me - there are many nice, sweet guys, but that doesn't make him want to get married. I think what confuses you is what I said before - he lives with you, sleeps with you, shares your life. Some women move in with guys thinking it equals a step towards marriage and he should want to marry because "we practically are" and guys just operate differently. You created an instant family with a guy who wasn't ready for it.

 

I wish you would have listened to this two years ago - but unless he popped the question after you signed off - I think you should have him move out and either leave him or just "date" for awhile. You will have a very clear head to decide if he is really the one or just the one by default and it also will solve a lot of issues. He will propose when he is ready...or not. But it will avoid you feeling "we are a family" but being miserable and feeling unworthy. Also, since he was what-- 21? 22? when he moved in with you, it will give him space to be honest and decide for himself whether he really wants his own kids, or if he really wants to get married or wants time to be a guy in his 20s before he does. Almost his entire 20s was spent playing house with you. Of course he is not going to tell you he wants kids because he is not prepared to move out.

 

You can break up with him clean or you can just have him move out. He may never want you or move back in after, or he may choose you - but I think you should do this otherwise if you do marry it may end in divorce as he starts to get resentful over marrying an older woman or even the fact that he didn't date around in his 20s. Maybe I am wrong. No matter what you have to stop going back on your feelings "because he is being sweet." And there is a tendency to say "we make such a good family" - it is not about that - its about if you make a couple. He and your daughter can still have a relationship if you break up if they so choose since she is an adult.

 

You have basically taken a young man and have tried to groom him into a good husband and someone who would want to marry you and it doesn't work that way. There are many guys 35-45, etc, that are looking to marry, either have kids like you or never did, but are old enough to know that they don't want more and are looking for an equal partner in life. They are out there. You don't have to settle.

[Chicklet]

He's BEGGING me not to give up on him. He even stayed home from work today to be with me. He told me that he can't imagine his life without me and he said that if I just stay, he will prove to me that I am the one. I guess I'm taking a gamble on love, so to speak.

[HeatherB]

Are you at all concerned about wearing you and your boyfriend out? Seems like a lot of dramarama to me. But if you both thrive on it... Does he enjoy coming after you, begging, reconciling etc?

[abitbroken]

He's BEGGING me not to give up on him. He even stayed home from work today to be with me. He told me that he can't imagine his life without me and he said that if I just stay, he will prove to me that I am the one. I guess I'm taking a gamble on love, so to speak.

 

He is stalling again. It sounds like last year and the year before. How long have you been having the marriage conversation? He doesn't have to prove to you that you are the one. If you were the one AND he was ready and mature enough in his life to be ready for marriage, he would have proposed by now. You would already be married. He is asking for more time. Again. And he didn't say "You ARE the one" he said he wants to "Prove" that you are.

 

This whole thing has been a gamble for years - and remains the same - you are a woman with a grown daughter ready for marriage. You want a life partner. He is a younger man who is in his late 20s who is not sure he is ready to get married in his life yet in general. He is living with a woman in an instant family arrangement versus deciding to move in when the relationship got to the point of a commitment.

 

When a man marries, it is because he is ready to have children or can't live without the woman. He wouldn't have wasted a moment.

 

He will not leave on his own because he is comfortable and used to living in your home. And you will always accept his story because you are "family" and won't ask him to leave. he doesn't want to move because he likes living in the house.

 

I strongly suggest that you take action. That you tell him that you want to take a break and ask him to move in with a friend or his parents or whomever. You will find out if his "can't live without" is because he is used to you. And do not permit him to beg you. You tell him that you have to do some thinking. Its not to get him to propose. You need to get some space from him. And then you will later decide - not days later - but some time later - if this relationship will end in marriage or is best for you to move on. But you will have that time and space vs interpreting his every statement on whether he will marry you or not. And he has time to be by himself to be honest on what he truly wants in his heart - does he really want his own kids and a family? Does he regret falling into this live in relationship before he was ready to commit to someone? He can't explore these things while trying to please you.

 

Nothing changes if you don't take action like this. He will continue on his course giving you just that tiny bit of hope. Have some respect for yourself. There are other men out there if this doesn't work out. Or if it does, it needs this separation. If you untangle your finances, etc, you will feel so much more in control and then you both have choices.

 

btw, i don't like telling people to break up or take breaks but if you know in your mind and heart what you can take and then you decide you can't take it anymore, but keep caving and not sticking to what is best for you and your heart, and just kick the issue down the road, this is going to eat you alive.

[Ms Darcy]

He's totally stalling again.

[Batya33]

He's BEGGING me not to give up on him. He even stayed home from work today to be with me. He told me that he can't imagine his life without me and he said that if I just stay, he will prove to me that I am the one. I guess I'm taking a gamble on love, so to speak.

 

You're not taking a gamble on "love" - you're deciding that the risks - that he will never ask you to marry him -are outweighed by the benefits of staying in this relationship the way it is. I would make a different decision but that's just me. Try not to romanticize or rationalize what you're doing -the simpler and more direct/honest you are with yourself the better you'll be able to make a decision without unnecessary drama/complications.

[Huntress0527]

If marriage is something you truly want for yourself then it's time to end this relationship. He keeps stringing the carrot in front of you with no attempt to give it to you just to keep you moving.

[lavenderdove]

You know what, it's not hard, it's simple. As in, "Baby, I want you to be my wife, please marry me.'

 

Not, 'Please don't give up on me.'

Not, 'I don't know when.'

Not, 'I can't imagine life without you.'

 

It goes, 'I can't imagine life without you, will you marry me.' Four extra words, easy to say if he actually means them and means to do it. If he wants to prove you're the one, then all he has to say is, 'will you marry me, let's start making plans for the wedding today.'

 

It's so simple to marry you if he wants to marry you. He's working far harder on NOT marrying you than he is on marrying you.

 

And he could buy a car that is $500-1000 cheaper than originally planned and get you a very nice cubic zirconia in a gold setting for that price. But he's shopping for a car and NOT buying you a ring.

 

So i think the task now is to decide how long you are willing to wait before he proposes and starts planning the wedding. And if he does propose, don't fall for the 'indefinite engagement' routine. if you're not actively planning a wedding and set the date to happen within a year of engagement, then it's just another stall tactic.

 

Your other alternative is to dig really deep inside yourself to decide whether you're willing to live out the length of this relationship and potentially your life unmarried. And will you be really prepared if he sits up in the future when you can no longer have children and announces he's leaving to find a woman who can.

[Deciduous]

Hi Chicklet,

 

Do you realise you started this thread in November 2011. Two years later we are discussing exactly the same issue. Nothing has changed, nothing has grown. It is high likely that in November 2015 you will write with an update which reads,

 

"My boyfriend is marvellous. He still won't marry me."

 

Given that fact, what is it you want from us? Because, clearly, two years ago, we were of no use to you whatsoever.

 

So I will ask again

 

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM US??

 

Decixx

[lavenderdove]

I am going to be honest here too... you have a significant age different (13 years) where you have been his GF since he was 22 and you were 35, and he is still only in his 20s. Women in their 40s can still look quite good if they maintain themselves, but deep down he knows that in a few years your age will really start showing and the age difference will be more obvious. He may wonder how he is going to feel when he is still young and in his prime and you are looking middle-aged, especially since he has not had a lot of freedom in his youth when most men are dating around and doing the silly things young men and women do to get it out of their system.

 

So from a practical perspective, the biggest problem is he 'settled down' into a live in relationship with an older woman at an age when most young men are hanging out with their buddies and dating lots of different women. So as he approaches 35 he will ask himself more questions as to whether it was right to settle down so young with a woman that now probably looks remarkably like his mother due to the age difference and how humans age.

 

Perhaps he is an incredible young man where he can easily stomach an age difference that is noteworthy and where you are really showing your age while he is still in his prime. Only you can evaluate that. I think older woman/younger men relationships when it is a 5-7 year difference this is not so relevant, but over 10 years, the gap is noticeably in terms of looks and different life stages. So the fact that he isn't willing to sign up for LIFE with you by marrying you is something that i think you are gambilng with, because he has had ample time (7 years!) to figure out whether your two personalities and goals mesh. He is at an age (past an age) where most men do marry, so you have to really ask yourself WHY he won't come thru for you now when there is absolutely no reason that he can't marry you other than he has some doubts about it.

 

So i think what is important to evaluate here is whether you think it is worth the risk to stay with him and have a possibility that when you start to look grandmotherly rather than like a hot older woman, whether he is a guy who will stay around or not. and whether he will have his own mid life crisis in another 10 years and think to himself, 'i never had a youth! I was tied down to this older woman at 22, and life is short, she now looks like a granny and i'm still looking/feeling pretty good, and i'm afraid i'm missing out on what life has to offer.' If you are willing to take that chance with him and are willing to live with the idea that he might never marry you because he likes open options or just doesn't really want marriage, then carry on. But i would definitely try to talk to him more and get to the bottom of why he hasn't proposed yet. But the problem there is he may never admit that to you because it sounds shallow ('i'm not sure how i will feel when you start to look old.' 'i'm not sure i should settle down when i haven't explored more options and dated more women.' 'i'm starting to think i wants kids and she is too old to have them.')

 

So you need to evaluate your own priorities, how willing you are to take a big risk, and whether you will be OK whether you have a partner or not if he leaves when you're 50 and it is much harder to find a new one. If you are an independent woman who is fine whether you are single or coupled, then you might risk it. If you are the kind of person who would be devastated if you spend your last 20-25 alone because he bails on you later, then you probably shouldn't continue with him and start looking for a man who is in your own life stage who does want to be a husband and live a married lifestyle. Only you can answer what you think your priorities are, and how important marriage is (or isn't) to you.

[Angellheart]

Here’s a little known “secret” about men if you will.

 

The more you try to get a man to commit who is already on the outer border of a relationship the more he will want to pull away.

 

This is a VERY weird thing that happens.

The second you want it too much, that’s the second a man can sense it in

you and his alarms go off.

The word “commitment” or “relationship” and especially “marriage” FREAK

most men out.

 

The more you relax, the more a man notices you in a big way.

Here’s the next thing.

If he is a commitment phobe, you must give him exactly what he thinks

he wants… his freedom.

And this is not going to push him away further..

 

If you come to a man with the energy of “Commit to me… I don’t want to

die alone!” do you think this will be an attractive deal to him?

I didn’t think so.

Men look to you as a women to be comfortable with the “now” moment,

what’s going on right now this minute.

And the beauty is that is in the nature of all women, because being

present, having fun and being dorky is all in the nature of femininity…

and femininity is what makes a commitment MOST attractive to a man.

 

But when a woman worries TOO MUCH and loses touch with having fun,

all those good feelings and the present, she loses attractiveness.

Just take a look at a beautiful woman.

When a man looks at a beautiful woman, is he thinking about the future?

What about the past?

Nope.

He’s COMPLETELY absorbed in that moment… he’s intoxicated with the

good feelings that the attraction gives him in that moment only.

The woman brings him back to right now, and this is one of the

characteristics of a woman who can get a man to commit at the snap of a

finger.

But when a woman worries, she falls out of the now moment.

When a woman worries, she becomes unattractive

 

Happy good feelings in the NOW = MAN DREWLING ALL OVER HIS SUIT

(insert wide eyed pop-eye type cartoon character shouting “Ouwooogaa!”

 

So many men get so focused on the future, career building and their

ambitions that they forget about what’s going on right NOW.

So men look to women to bring them back to the now moment just like

women look to men to bring them future securities.

 

So, how do you get around this?

To handle ANY kind of commitment objections, you take your

relationships, dating experiences with him as a TODAY EVENT ONLY.

You simply tell him “Our relationship/dating/whatever is a today event

only, and if we should be together again tomorrow, then that is how it

will be. But as long as we are together right now, I want to be with you

completely.”

A man wants freedom, so you simply give him his freedom! We love the

people we love because they give us what we need, so give him what he

needs.

And please, this is not about cutting yourself off and becoming

invulnerable… this is how ALL relationships are.

 

You must let go of the fear of losing him.

Fearing losing him will make you lose him!

The fear itself helps push him away.

Whenever fear grips you, remember to relax and remember that

everything will work out for you, and that you are an important woman!

 

The fear creates the situation, so drop the fear.

The relationships of today are VERY possessive. Here, I teach you to allow

him to be FREE. He has come to you out of his own freewill because he

felt GOOD around you and wanted to stick around you to continue the

good feelings. If he wishes to stay, he should do so out of that same

freedom.

Allowing his freedom causes him to STAY.

 

When the pressure is taken off, all of a sudden, instead of feeling backed

into a corner, he suddenly feels a freedom to choose, and he wants to

choose YOU.

 

To get a guy to commit to you, you simply stop asking commitment of

him!

 

So Live in THE NOW, in the moment, and enjoy it! be thankful for everyday that u 2 are still together.

 

I had this information from a ebook.. i just posted the important things.. i dont know if its allowed to give this information but i know how u feel, and this is for every woman wo want her guy to commit!

[abitbroken]

The word “commitment” or “relationship” and especially “marriage” FREAK

most men out.

 

No - A man who wants to be married is not freaked out by the word. Believe it or not - there are men who would like to be married.

 

your whole train of thought might be valid for a couple together two years, but when they hit the 7, 8, year mark it is not about "tactics" or acting relaxed - he either wants her or he doesn't PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

 

That is the very wrong advice for Chicklet because she will decide that she will pretend not to care about getting married and her boyfriend will just relax again and forget about it but deep down she will be dying on the inside. She needs to be strong enough to move him out or move out herself and move on to find what she is looking for. In your 40s, you have no big deadline to hurry up and find someone to have a kid with so she has time to find Mr Right. If they reconnect down the road and he decides he sincerely wants to marry her after being on his own for quite some time, that is another thing. But she has got to be strong enough to quit playing family and make a decisive move.

[Angellheart]

Yea i think you're true, but i mean, when a guy doesnt want to commit just yet, it al gets wors when fear interupts u and u gonna start pushing him, that will only push him further away..

 

but i dont know in this case, they have been together for more than 7 years now. but he does seems that he really loves here,or is it just me being naive?

[Angellheart]

im mean 'i think you're right' .. damn my english sometimes..o_O

[Mercurial Girl]

but i dont know in this case, they have been together for more than 7 years now. but he does seems that he really loves here,or is it just me being naive?

 

Sure he loves her. Just not quite enough.

[truegrit]

I think that co-dependency enters into this especially on his part and the fact he has been with her since 22yrs old. He probably loves the OP but is it based on his fears of losing her and going out on his own. Just my 2 cents...........

[Reflective82]

I don't mean to sound harsh but I don't believe your relationship has a future. I think that sooner or later, he will end the relationship and go for someone younger. Most men prefer YOUNGER women, let alone someone 13 years older. Also I think the children will be a deal breaker for him. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher worked for years, but he is now with a 29 year old. I really think you should go for a man your age or older.

[Chicklet]

Thank you all for your advice. I'm not sure what to do. I know what people say I should do and my head tells me to do it. Just end it with him and move on. But my heart, my heart tells me no.

 

When I tell him that I'm ready for the next step and it pains me to know that he isn't, he tells me that I put words into his mouth. I'll say "I feel like you're never going to marry me" and he'll say "Why do you keep saying that? I will marry you. I just want things to be different before I do or I'll regret ever getting married".

 

These are his complaints.

I get sad because I feel like I'm not good enough for him to marry.

I have mood swings (these are during my menstrual cycle. I believe that I am pre-menopausal. I have 8 of 10 major symptoms, so I'm sure of it).

I feel insecure about our relationship.

 

Well, I can honestly say that the reason that 2 of these 3 complaints exist is because I'm fearful of him NOT wanting to get married yet. Who wouldn't be afraid if their partner is telling them that they are only going to get married once in their life and after 8 years, they're still not wanting to marry you????? That's enough to make anyone crazy. It would be easy if he treated me badly, but he treats me like gold! He's never lied to me, cheated on me, hurt me in any way. Ever.

 

If I end this relationship, I will sink into a depression that will be very hard to overcome. He told me already that if I ever made him move out that he would not be back.

 

This is the hardest thing that I've ever had to deal with in my life. It's so confusing to live with someone that is so good to me, so loyal, so loving and kind, only to know that they don't want to marry you after 8 years (he says he does but he also says that his "complaints" must disappear) and that if you give them an ultimatum such as moving out, that they say they won't be back. How can someone love you so much every day, only to feel that way on the flip side????????

 

I'm seriously having anxiety over all of this. Hell, he even told me to start planning an elopement for next year. He told me to choose several different places to visit for a week so that we'll be ready "when the time comes". ***??????????????????????????????????????

[Chicklet]

Hi Chicklet,

 

Do you realise you started this thread in November 2011. Two years later we are discussing exactly the same issue. Nothing has changed, nothing has grown. It is high likely that in November 2015 you will write with an update which reads,

 

"My boyfriend is marvellous. He still won't marry me."

 

Given that fact, what is it you want from us? Because, clearly, two years ago, we were of no use to you whatsoever.

 

So I will ask again

 

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM US??

 

Decixx

 

I am sorry that my thread brings you so much frustration. What do I want from all of you?? Just to talk. Just advice. When I'm feeling down, I like to come here to vent and to see what others might have to share. I know that you don't have the answers, but I come here, just like anyone else. To talk.

[Ms Darcy]

Chicklet - I'll talk to you a little bit.

 

I think what keeps you with this guy (what keeps us with people who are not meeting our needs) is fear. Fear of lonliness, fear of not finding another relationship, fear of losing your life.

 

So you have stayed. He's not preparing to marry you. He is giving you breadcrumbs about ways YOU need to change. Maybe he believes it. Maybe he thinks if YOU can just change then maybe he'll want to marry you. But I doubt it.

 

I just don't think he wants to marry you but for now he doesn't want to be alone. He's with you because of fear too.

 

What matters most now is recognizing where your feelings are coming from. It's coming from you being in what is increasingly a bad relationship because your needs are not being met. Perhaps it will take three more years and a full decade together before you get the courage to end it.

[wilyone 11]

There is a Kindle book called the Reverse Ultimatum. It's perfect for women who are living with a guy who won't commit and they feel trapped with zero leverage.

 

Basically you need to fill up your life with outside activities and become a super happy and fulfilled person without him, so that he actually becomes afraid of losing you. Right now he has no fear of that and he has no incentive to marry you. He's even tried to reduce what little leverage you have by threatening to never return if you kick him out. You need to pull some drastic measures of your own....