Tanzi Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I was referring to you saying that you would have normally insisted on paying but she was late and (had this has been your date) she would have lost your admiration and respect. It kinda sounds like * * * for tat but I guess that is your perogative, as it is his of course. Oh well, as things stand, they both may have done something that may have unimpressed the other. A few more dates would be needed to know whether either of these things could become bigger issues for either of them. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 (I personally always offered to pay even on the first date, but then I was told by friends that I am a fool for doing it...) See, this is the thing, whether it is right or wrong, most guys do insist on paying. In fact I have never been on a date where a guy expected me to pay. I offer but they generally look offended (in a jokey way) or say something like "Oh come on now, can't a guy even buy a lady a coffee/some lunch now". Its why some women get thrown when they actually do come accross a guy who doesn't insist on paying. When I went on a first date with my current bf we met up in a local bar. He bought the first round of drinks and I went to buy the second. He made some excuse about going to the toilets so he might as well get the drinks on the way back ... "you can get the next round" he said. When the next round came and we were both standing at the bar he had his money ready to hand over while I was till scramblling around in my purse ... "you can get he next round" he said. Next time I had my money on the ready but when I went to hand it over he gently cupped my hand that was holding the money, winked at me and handed over his own money and, yes, he said "you can get the next round". It finally clicked that there was no "next round" (as far as me paying went, that is) and when I tackled him about it all he said was "I am a proud man". At that point I gave up trying. Sometimes its hard to know what to do and to know what to expect. Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I was referring to you saying that you would have normally insisted on paying but she was late and (had this has been your date) she would have lost your admiration and respect. It kinda sounds like * * * for tat but I guess that is your perogative, as it is his of course. Oh well, as things stand, they both may have done something that may have unimpressed the other. A few more dates would be needed to know whether either of these things could become bigger issues for either of them. I would had still paid more than likely. If she had called and it was not going to be long at all, I would had asked what she wanted and got it before she was there. Then again, no call, and it being very late I would had not been there to pay anyway. * * * * * * * thing to do, maybe. Then again I do not like people being late, and leaving me hanging at the same time is totally unacceptable. I wouldn't put up with that from someone I knew, sure not going to accept it from someone I do not know. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 If a woman is going to get petty over a cheap date, she probably has bigger issues too. Getting upset over a guy not paying for a $2-3 cup of coffee isn't petty? Not saying OP was upset, but plenty people here sure were. And you expect a guy to pay for the first FEW dates? That seems excessive. No, I don't expect a guy to pay for the first FEW dates, I expect him to pay for ALL the dates. ONly my ex. (who was a tightazz) didn't, and I was hungry and we were at a festival. I figured I was going to starve, since he never offered to feed me, so I stepped up to the plate. That was 4 yrs. ago, and I still remember it cuz I thought it was weird. All my friends said that was going to cause problems, cuz he's such a tightwad, but I said, NO, I was going into the relationship KNOWING he was cheap. But then he left me for a woman who paid his whole way to Jamaica cuz SHE was wealthy, and we all know how cheap HE was. It's call a jigalo...is what my friends my age say...but we are old! I still say...guys pay for the nights out, we make them a nice home cooked meal! I guess that is old fashioned...so ....my feelings are...let the old guys be a gentleman, and treat us older ladies, like ladies...and let you young kids go Dutch! No more arguing! To each their own! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I cannot speak for all women, but I see a lot of men "taking" women these days. I deal with a lot of separations and the man is entitled to half of the woman's income if he makes less. If I sniff out a guy who is so into being equal, who is to say he won't want to take half of my earnings or assets. Girls have been taking half -if not more, once you factor in child support - of their guys earnings, belongings, pensions now for over 50 if not the last 100 years. get burned? get bent! Obviously none of these attitudes lead to a long term loving relationship. If you're upset about the woman being so unfairly "pinned," maybe it will be some consolation to you that it is the woman who more often than not calls the marriage quits and gives up onit. I call that a fair deal. You want to quit "us?" Fine - but it's on you. You call us pathetic for taking the role woman have held for ages. Let's just be honest here - there are not enough jobs that pay those salaries we all wish we could have to sustain both man and woman in the higher paid positions. If one goes up, someone else has to come down - that's simple economic checks and balance. You may see a lot of men "taking" women nowadays, but take into consideration how long women were "taking" men. True equality will be gained when there is NO benefits given to either partner via pensions or income. No more joint/family health plans - the plan covers you and you alone. Property, obviously, will have to come down to very sitting down and figureing out who owns what, who onws what, and what's in contention. And NO consideration must be given for whether the person seeking custody is the mother or the father. None of these legal imbalances. Remove these issues and it becomes a point of being in a relationship solely because you want to spend you life with that person - and no other reason! Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sounds like Germany got it right! I believe sandra dee is in the USA....I'm from there too. Apparently things are still quite backwards here compared to Europe and men are expected to blow $50+ dollars on first DATES (read: dinner and stuff) for women that they don't even know and if the date doesn't work out, it's never reciprocated, so the money is wasted. Go America! I think you want to introduce the German way to America then ! Time for a change. Yes, We Can !! Gee, I could not fathom spending that much on a first date. Imagine just going on 5 successive first dates, that's 250$ gone. Luckily just about every decent woman I've met refused to have anything more than one coffee or beverage of sorts paid for her on a first date. Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think you want to introduce the German way to America then ! Time for a change. Yes, We Can !! Gee, I could not fathom spending that much on a first date. Imagine just going on 5 successive first dates, that's 250$ gone. Luckily just about every decent woman I've met refused to have anything more than one coffee or beverage of sorts paid for her on a first date. That is what some of these women that want the guy to always pay do not understand it seems. They don't wont a broke guy, yet if the guy was to pay it all, every time, all the time, some guys would be broke before they met. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I would had still paid more than likely. If she had called and it was not going to be long at all, I would had asked what she wanted and got it before she was there. Then again, no call, and it being very late I would had not been there to pay anyway. * * * * * * * thing to do, maybe. Then again I do not like people being late, and leaving me hanging at the same time is totally unacceptable. I wouldn't put up with that from someone I knew, sure not going to accept it from someone I do not know. Well, actually, I have to agree with you there. I don't like lateness. Five minutes or so I am ok with but unless there is a good excuse I think it is unnecessary to be more than 10 minutes late. It shows shoddiness and a lack of forethought. The traffic excuse is a bit wishy washy to me if you already know the area. That said I would have nevertheless given her the benefit of the doubt on our first date. Under these circumstances (and if I were a guy!!) I would have done as you said and bought her a coffee ahead of her arrival and reserve all judgement (for want of a better word) after another few dates. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I don't know if I can see this man again. He has told me some things about his past that concern me. After his divorce, he met a woman and they were in a long term relationship....they lived together for two years in her house. This woman owned her own home and she had a legal document drawn up to protect her home just in case their relationship didn't last. When he told me about that, it seemed to me that she did the right thing but he viewed it as a negative....that she didn't think their relationship would last. He also told me a bit about his finances and how much money his ex-wife got after the divorce. I didn't ask for any of this information. He just volunteered it. When I asked why he told me about his finances, he explained that I just wanted you to know that I like you and I don't want you to think that I want anything from you and I don't want your money. OMG! I responded to that by saying that I never thought that. My problem is that NOW I am thinking that. I'm not sure that I can trust him. He claims that he is financially secure but I'm not too sure that I believe him. Link to comment
tommytoxen Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 All I can say is there's a lot of cheapskate guys here who obviously don't think very highly of their women. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think very highly of my women. On the first date, though, she's not my woman and I'm not her man... And if I DO think very highly of her, then obviously I'm going to insist she pays for herself. Otherwise I am emaciating her of the powers of equality she has won via the civil rights movement! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Well maybe money is now an issue to him due to these two previous relationships you have mentioned. One wanted his money (though we dont know all the circumstances so I guess we shouldn't judge) and one wanted to make sure he didnt get any of hers. The fact that he was holding tightly onto his and made a point of saying he wasn't after yours suggests this. Maybe he feels it best to be open and upfront right from the beginning. I don't think you should write him off just yet. Link to comment
tommytoxen Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Otherwise I am emaciating her of the powers of equality she has won via the civil rights movement! That's posh talk for "I'm cheap" I've never let a woman pay. I take it as an offence if they pay. They offer to pay out of courtesy, but I say "no don't be silly! I asked YOU out!" If they insist on paying, I take it personally, like the date was so horrible and I'm so unlikable that they just wanna pay their bill and run off. My girlfriend used to tell me off all the time, if she saw something she liked I'd buy it and then she'd tell me off for wasting money on her. But ffs it's only money, she's more important than a bit of bloody paper. She's gotten used to it now though and doesn't tell me off for treating her any more, she's accepted it's in my nature. Being younger than me I've had to educate her about chivalry! Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sorry, but personally I don't think you should get involved with this guy. He needs to get his finances in order. I would be running from this dude. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 He claims that he is financially secure but I'm not too sure that I believe him. Financially secure would have bought you a coffee. The rest of it wouldn't be reasons to dismiss him, IMO. He sounds socially awkward and perhaps a bit jaded, but I don't see how he came off as a financial predator. Most guys who have been taken in a divorce have this story. Heck, most guys who have been divorced PERIOD have some kind of story like this. I think because you've been spending your time chasing 25-year olds and guys for casual sex, basically totally inappropriate choices, the whole concept of legitimate dating and getting to know someone seems to throw you. I think your reaction is more peculiar than what he had to say... Yes, it's not early dating conversation, but I don't see the red flag. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Financially secure would have bought you a coffee. I'm so with you on this one!!!! Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think because you've been spending your time chasing 25-year olds and guys for casual sex, basically totally inappropriate choices, the whole concept of legitimate dating and getting to know someone seems to throw you. I think your reaction is more peculiar than what he had to say... Yes, it's not early dating conversation, but I don't see the red flag. I thought it might be a red flag but I see your point and I've given it more thought. I've decided to believe him that he just wanted me to know, that's all. He has said that he wants my heart, not my money, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I thought it might be a red flag but I see your point and I've given it more thought. I've decided to believe him that he just wanted me to know' date=' that's all. He has said that he wants my heart, not my money, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.[/quote'] How many dates have you been on with this guy? These are heavy topics to be discussing so early on. He wants your heart???? How does he even know if you like him yet? Do you like him yet???? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 How many dates have you been on with this guy? These are heavy topics to be discussing so early on. He wants your heart???? How does he even know if you like him yet? Do you like him yet???? I think because this guy got stung financially before, he makes a point to let all new prospects know he's not in it for the money. I think he meant he's interested in her for everything but her money. I didn't take it so literally that he's fallen in love quite yet. But, if he has, he's a nutter, and you should drop him pronto. lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think very highly of my women. On the first date, though, she's not my woman and I'm not her man... And if I DO think very highly of her, then obviously I'm going to insist she pays for herself. Otherwise I am emaciating her of the powers of equality she has won via the civil rights movement! The civil rights movement, from a financial perspective, had to do with equality in the workplace. I don't think it's anyone's business what couples decide to do with their money in their private, romantic relationships as long as both people think it is fair and feel comfortable with whatever the arrangement is. I am not a feminist but I am all for everyone getting paid equally for equal work regardless of gender or race. I would find it patronizing if a man insisted I pay for myself so that I wouldn't feel unequal -just like I wouldn't tell a man that if he wanted to pay for me because he enjoyed treating me (as I can relate- i enjoy treating people too!) that he could not treat me since that would be unfair to him financially and apparently he didn't know how to treat himself properly. That would be patronizing too. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think because this guy got stung financially before, he makes a point to let all new prospects know he's not in it for the money. I think he meant he's interested in her for everything but her money. I didn't take it so literally that he's fallen in love quite yet. But, if he has, he's a nutter, and you should drop him pronto. lol I don't blame his ex for having that agreement in place. I am concerned that he had an issue with it and I am concerned that he's assuming you're concerned about his finances to this level of detail, this early on. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think because this guy got stung financially before, he makes a point to let all new prospects know he's not in it for the money. I think he meant he's interested in her for everything but her money. I didn't take it so literally that he's fallen in love quite yet. But, if he has, he's a nutter, and you should drop him pronto. lol Haha! Yeah I did take it literally, but I see what you mean. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think this is pretty simple, if this is an issue for you then stop seeing the guy, it is really that simple. As far as the agreement is concerned quite a bit of people seem to think that such agreements or pre-nups are planning for the demise of the relationship. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You mean a prenuptial agreement? It's funny, most men I know want a prenuptial agreement, and most women such as their girlfriends get offended by that. I want one too, as I can never be too sure what will ever happen in the future. To be honest, I might not get it because it would be so offensive to my girlfriend to even suggest it. He probably sees it as a negative now because he was stung by it after the divorce. Was her mortgage already paid off or did he contribute? It's probably the latter unless she inherited the house or is loaded. Divorces are tough. Ariel85 made a good point. Link to comment
tommytoxen Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I'll never have one. Without trust a relationship is doomed anyway. Getting a pre-nuptial basically is the man saying to the woman "I think you're a cheating, thieving [w word], so sign this so I'm happy when we get divorced a few years down the line". Talk about going into the marriage with optimism, he's already thinking about the divorce. Well, I don't want a pre-nup, not only because I don't plan on getting divorced, but because I trust her. And she's the most important person in my life, and if for what ever reason we don't work out in the future, then I'd want to make sure she was alright and wouldn't just abandon her with nothing anyway. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.