Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Then why don't you report it? It most certainly is, a different version than the first one you reported. If that's in actual fact what happened. People are just going to have to take your word on it. But the thing that makes me skeptical is that you repeatedly had written threads about how you let people walk all over you. Especially guys. If this is indeed how it really did happen then you would report it. Until you have been a rape victim you can not say what you would report or not. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Well you know what? You are not the attorney so let her have some compassion, ok. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Well you know what? You are not the attorney so let her have some compassion, ok. What I was thinking. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Attitudes like this are the reason women don't report rape. Just amazes me... How about some compassion? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'm not saying she's lying I said that we would have to take her at her word. But to be honest, I don't even think the OP knows whether she was raped or not. Like I said, I don't consider it rape, but I do consider it assault of some kind. Maybe because the OP doesn't know what to think either, that's why she's not reporting it. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 And I'm sure she is not going to report it. She knows she was violated and wants other people to know how she feels. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'm not saying she's lying I said that we would have to take her at her word. But to be honest, I don't even think the OP knows whether she was raped or not. Like I said, I don't consider it rape, but I do consider it assault of some kind. Maybe because the OP doesn't know what to think either, that's why she's not reporting it. Humiliation is another reason. It's easy - even as a prior abuse victim myself - to say report it, report it, report it, report. But actually DOING that is the single hardest thing you can do. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Fear is what keeps people from reporting it and shame and disgust and self blame, THAT is what keeps people from reporting it. The only people who know those feelings are people who have been raped and or molested. I know, I have been both and I have stood in court at 14 against my molester and it is not easy. Until someone has walked in our shoes there is very little they can say that will hold much weight. However some compassion goes a long mile. Link to comment
civilservant Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I think this is where the problem is coming from on this thread. People are responding with compassion (rightly) and GrowingIn is responding with the clinical legal judgement. Now GrowingIn I don't actually disagree with your legal interpretation, nor the questions that you raise, because they are questions that would be asked in any investigation. But this is not an investigation. This board is for emotional support, and for people to hear what what the OP has to say, I don't think it's right, nor proper, that we should make inferences to her state of mind, nor pose questions beyond what the OP is willing to state, just to gain a few points and that's for all of us). For now I think it's right that we should just take the time to allow the OP to express herself in whatever way she choses too. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 i see both sides, thats part of the reason why im not going to report it. I did just let it happen and went along with it when I could have stopped it. I didnt put up a fight when he did things to me, just layed there and let him position me and do what he wanted. I basically just gave in because I thought that would make things easier on me. I dont know why I behaved the way I did, but I definitely did not want to do anything sexual with him that night and told him no multiple times at the beginning. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I think this is where the problem is coming from on this thread. People are responding with compassion (rightly) and GrowingIn is responding with the clinical legal judgement. Now GrowingIn I don't actually disagree with your legal interpretation, nor the questions that you raise, because they are questions that would be asked in any investigation. But this is not an investigation. This board is for emotional support, and for people to hear what what the OP has to say, I don't think it's right, nor proper, that we should make inferences to her state of mind, nor pose questions beyond what the OP is willing to state, just to gain a few points and that's for all of us). For now I think it's right that we should just take the time to allow the OP to express herself in whatever way she choses too. Amen!!!! Thank you Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 i see both sides, thats part of the reason why im not going to report it. I did just let it happen and went along with it when I could have stopped it. I didnt put up a fight when he did things to me, just layed there and let him position me and do what he wanted. I basically just gave in because I thought that would make things easier on me. I dont know why I behaved the way I did, but I definitely did not want to do anything sexual with him that night and told him no multiple times at the beginning. Submitting is often easier I understand. Whenever I fought back I got beaten. It was easier to submit. I would encourage you to speak to someone professionally though sooner rather later to help you with healing. Link to comment
GrowingIn Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Are you saying she's telling us a lie? Not exactly. I think he's seeing something else that I did too did but I'm going to refrain from making assumptions. For me there's always going to be an issue of concern when the majority of people responding to this clearly inconsistent story are female abuse victims. You just have to be realistic enough to understand what that means. There is a lot of compassion and sympathy, sure, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I feel it's for the wrong reasons. I do have compassion for MilkandHoney but it's from a completely different point of view. I certainly don't think she should feel guilty or erode her own self esteem with this issue even further. She probably should just try to get to the real bottom of this. But to be honest, I don't even think the OP knows whether she was raped or not. I agree 100% and that was my sentiment from the get go. I just had to let emotions die down before saying anything, and it seems they're still in full flavor. But yeah, I think this was more of an issue of "hey could this have been considered....I'm not sure.....what does this mean?" Link to comment
GrowingIn Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 i see both sides, thats part of the reason why im not going to report it. I did just let it happen and went along with it when I could have stopped it. I didnt put up a fight when he did things to me, just layed there and let him position me and do what he wanted. I basically just gave in because I thought that would make things easier on me. I dont know why I behaved the way I did, but I definitely did not want to do anything sexual with him that night and told him no multiple times at the beginning. MilkandHoney, I don't want you to think that I don't have any compassion for you. I actually really do, it's just not the same type of compassion other members are giving you. Again, I hate to make assumptions, but the compassion I have for you and this situation, might just hit closer to home. I'm not going to actually state anything here, because I think you will just understand. I will say this, they are right in that you should NOT feel ashamed or guilty for letting it happen. It is confusing, it's most likely not what you want to have again, at least not with this guy, but it's also something that I believe you will one day be ok with. Submitting is often easier I understand. Whenever I fought back I got beaten. It was easier to submit. I would encourage you to speak to someone professionally though sooner rather later to help you with healing. OK yeah, see THAT's rape! Easy as pie and doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Link to comment
Lamour detruit Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Agreed with all of this. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 MilkandHoney, I don't want you to think that I don't have any compassion for you. I actually really do, it's just not the same type of compassion other members are giving you. Again, I hate to make assumptions, but the compassion I have for you and this situation, might just hit closer to home. I'm not going to actually state anything here, because I think you will just understand. I will say this, they are right in that you should NOT feel ashamed or guilty for letting it happen. It is confusing, it's most likely not what you want to have again, at least not with this guy, but it's also something that I believe you will one day be ok with. OK yeah, see THAT's rape! Easy as pie and doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Not all rapes involve threats however. I was also abused by someone who made no threats at all, does not make it not abuse. Threats are not the ONLY thing that make something abuse or rape. There is an inequality there. He has greater size and strength and that implies threat. He has the ABILITY to hurt her far more than she can him. So just because he did not beat her silly does not make it not rape or sexual assault. She said NO. That is all it needs. He just needed to pull his head out of you know where and learn no is NO. NO does not mean " oh I will push till I get what I want because she really means yes and is just playing hard to get" Link to comment
imsuperman Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I remember when the idea on these forums was to help people. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 If he forced you to do anything against your will then a crime was committed. After reading your post, a crime was committed. It doesn't matter whether or not you've had sex with him before or not. No means no and stop means to stop. If he continued to kiss, touch, lick, stick, poke or whatever the case may be after you've asked him to stop, that is a crime. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Mod Note: Please stay on topic and respectful. This thread is not for debating rape. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I guess you once again forgot the definition you understood so well. She can't legally consent if she was intoxicated. Regardless of what she did or didn't do. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 It is absolutely ridiculous to interpret that because milkandhoney does not want to report this, she was not raped. The overwhelming majority of rape victims never make report - yes, even those who kick and scream and leave scrapes and bruises on the guy. A previous sexual history does not affect one's right (duty) to consent or not consent, EACH AND EVERY TIME you have sex. Let's move away from this legal debate, which is frankly useless. Milkandhoney has already said she does not wish to report this, so I don't see how it helps her in the least to have members debate the viability of her court case. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 GrowingIn, it really never helps a victim of sexual assault, whose voice and right over her own body was already violated, to further tear her down by accusing her of lying and changing her story. If milkandhoney goes to the police and decides she wants this prosecuted in a court of law, there will be plenty of people there who will be more than happy to ask these questions and prove that this guy is innocent. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Milkandhoney, how are you feeling today? How is the situation with your parents? Have you thought about calling a hotline? Therapists are strangers, and they can be really helpful, so the hotline could help you too. You could always hang up if it's weird or uncomfortable, no commitment you know. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 I don't mind the different view points. I can see why the lines are blurry. But I'm not going to press charges, so it really doesn't matter if we discuss the law or not. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Milkandhoney, how are you feeling today? How is the situation with your parents? Have you thought about calling a hotline? Therapists are strangers, and they can be really helpful, so the hotline could help you too. You could always hang up if it's weird or uncomfortable, no commitment you know. This is true. You could call a hotline and if it is not helpful, then hang up. If it is then it is all the better. I am sorry this happened to you. Link to comment
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