Betweenthebars Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 If you don't feel comfortable calling the police then please at least call the National Sexual Assault Hotline @ 1.800.656.HOPE. It's free and confidential. The group that sponsors it has an outstanding reputation. Also it may not be impossible for you to leave the house - there are other people in the area who are receiving emergency transport for various reasons. Being stuck in the same house as your attacker seems like an excellent reason to offer you transportation to a medical clinic. If you haven't yet showered they could do a rape kit. Talk with the hotline about this. They can either help give you enough confidence to call police yourself or else they may be able to contact them as an advocate on your behalf. Good luck, stay strong, this wasn't your fault! This, completely. Listening to this poster would be very smart, it's great advice. Link to comment
avman Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Most (though not all) police departments are extremely compassionate with sexual assault victims. Especially if you don't feel safe in the house with him there I would think that's all the more reason to call and report it. They can offer you safe passage, a trip to the hospital to be checked, and some protection. Even if charges are never formally filed or the case isn't prosecuted, the police can help you in the immediate term. This isn't your fault. You don't have to worry about "proving" this to the police. Proof is the job of a prosecutor. You just need to heal and focus on yourself. You are going to be ok. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Oh M&H. You need to report it. Even if nothing comes of it and he slim balls his way out of it, you need to report it. As a victim of sexual assault, I know it's the first step you can take in the healing process. He raped you. You said no and continued to move away from him. There was no consent. Please do not think 'what ifs', from personal experience those 'what ifs' will haunt you forever if you let yourself think it. You need to get out of that house and checked out. What if he has a STD? You need to get the morning after pill just in case, God forbid, you are pregnant. You can't ignore this M&H. I know all you want to do is put your head down and just walk, I have been there, but for your future body sake you need to get checked out. Even if you don't report him, get checked out. *hugs* Link to comment
imsuperman Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 It still happened against your will if you wished you had screamed. I think you need to let the police know. They will let you know what needs to be done from there. Look their number up online and make the call. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 I finally made it home safely. Now that I'm home by myself, I'm feeling much better but yesterday was rough. It was pretty obvious that he knew what he did was very wrong. He didn't even try to talk to me or even look me in the face all day long. We both had to spend the night over there again last night, but I stayed upstairs and he stayed downstairs. I felt okay with that because I knew if he tried anything, I was gonna make sure everyone heard. I'm still shaken up a bit, but now that I'm home I at least feel safe. I havn't told anyone about it. I came close to telling some of my friends, but I dont think I'm going to, at least not anytime soon. I don't want to get the police involved, I just want to forget about the whole thing. i still feel like it was my fault for letting that happen to me though. Looking back, theres so much I could have done to at least try to stop it. I dont know why i gave up so easily. I guess in my mind i just thought I would rather get it over with than put up a fight and have it take forever. I was scared to yell for my friends for some reason, I still dont know why. Everything just happened really fast. i know i didnt follow the advice in this thread. i guess its because im embarrassed and scared of going to the police or the hospital. i know i dont want to press charges so theres really no point. i just have to learn from the mistake i made. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 There is nothing that you could do that would make it okay for someone to violate you in this way. He raped you. This is not your fault. It's not that you should have done this better, or that better, or the other thing better. The responsibility for his actions lies entirely on him. He made the choice to assault you. He made the choice to keep going when you protested. This was not your decision. It was his. Unfortunately, we're in a society where we teach people not to get raped instead of teaching people not to rape, and so many women in your position feel exactly as you do- like there's something that they've done wrong that means they deserved this happening. There isn't. One thing that helped me deal with the aftermath of sexual abuse was removing the situation from myself and trying to look at it as if it happened to someone else. If a friend, or a sister, or your hypothetical daughter came to you and told you about a situation like yours, would you tell her that it was her fault for not fighting harder? Link to comment
nicoleh24 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Thats rape. Even though you didnt scream-it doesnt sound consentual at all. Im sorry youre going through this. HAve you considered counseling? you should report this. if not then please seek therapy. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 I know it's not my fault, but theres so many things I could have done to stop it and I didn't. I don't have any health insurance right now but I know there are womens shelters in the area that I could probably talk to. I really don't want to talk to anyone about it though. Not my friends, not the police, not a hotline. And I don't want to go to the shelter either. I feel like maybe in a couple of weeks I might be able to talk to someone about it, but I just don't want to now. Honestly, just posting it here anonymously and reading the posts from you all have been helping tremendously. Link to comment
imsuperman Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I know it's not my fault, but theres so many things I could have done to stop it and I didn't. I don't have any health insurance right now but I know there are womens shelters in the area that I could probably talk to. I really don't want to talk to anyone about it though. Not my friends, not the police, not a hotline. And I don't want to go to the shelter either. I feel like maybe in a couple of weeks I might be able to talk to someone about it, but I just don't want to now. Honestly, just posting it here anonymously and reading the posts from you all have been helping tremendously. I'm glad that you got out and are in a safe place. I realize I've never experienced anything like this, and I'm completely unqualified on every level to try to respond, but my fear is that you will never tell anyone if you don't do it soon. Time will not assuage what happened or lessen the potential impact it has down the road. I can't imagine what it's like, but I know you're afraid and embarrassed talking to anyone about it. There are people who deal with this daily and they can help you. The fact that it happened is not going to go away. It is despicable and it's entirely on him. There is no excuse, and you didn't do anything wrong. Please get help. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Yes - please do -this was on my mind late last night and in addition to all the other reasons everyone has written about, if you have the chance to prevent this from happening to another woman wouldn't you want to at least try? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I know it's not my fault, but theres so many things I could have done to stop it and I didn't. I don't have any health insurance right now but I know there are womens shelters in the area that I could probably talk to. I really don't want to talk to anyone about it though. Not my friends, not the police, not a hotline. And I don't want to go to the shelter either. I feel like maybe in a couple of weeks I might be able to talk to someone about it, but I just don't want to now. Honestly, just posting it here anonymously and reading the posts from you all have been helping tremendously. I can understand this. We all heal in different ways from this act. For me I too didn't want to talk about it, not right out of the gate. I took it in, processed it, and moved on. It's how some of us hesl snd my therapist use to say it's out natural reaction to something like this. In time we open up when we ourselves can no longer work through the problem or need outside advice. Even if we are the only people who you want to talk to about it, please get checked out M&H. You can go to your local health department and get a free exam for STDs. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 i think the reason i mostly don't want to tell anyone is because i feel so stupid. also because i dont want to press charges. i dont want to mess up someone elses whole life. i grew up with this guy. i started hanging out with him recently through these new mutual friends but he was a grade above of me all through school. i dont know, i dont feel like he is a bad guy. i did have sex with him twice a few months ago. i might have had sex with him in the future if this hadn't happened. i just keep thinking about these kinds of things as reasons i dont want to do anything. i am supposed to start therapy soon anyways, i think this is something I can handle and just not let happen again. its freaking me out obviously though. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 i think the reason i mostly don't want to tell anyone is because i feel so stupid. also because i dont want to press charges. i dont want to mess up someone elses whole life. i grew up with this guy. i started hanging out with him recently through these new mutual friends but he was a grade above of me all through school. i dont know, i dont feel like he is a bad guy. i did have sex with him twice a few months ago. i might have had sex with him in the future if this hadn't happened. i just keep thinking about these kinds of things as reasons i dont want to do anything. i am supposed to start therapy soon anyways, i think this is something I can handle and just not let happen again. its freaking me out obviously though. M&H, he didn't show you the same compassion by not messing up your whole life though. If you don't want to press charges no one can make you do it. But I say again, please, please, please at least get checked out. Link to comment
imsuperman Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 It's no excuse. None of that changes the fact that he raped you. It doesn't matter that he feels bad about it, or that you've known him forever, or your past history. Press charges and get professional help. What if he does it again, or has done it before? Not all criminals are obvious monsters like on TV. A nice guy would not do that to you, no matter the circumstances. He forced you to have sex with him. That's not some way of putting it, that's what it is. You need to protect yourself, and you never no who else you could be protecting. Again, I don't know what you're going through and don't claim to, but I beg you to report this to the police. The man who did this brought this upon himself, and you are not accountable for the consequences. Everyone here is concerned for your safety, and the only way to ensure that is that you take these steps to prevent it from happening again. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 i think the reason i mostly don't want to tell anyone is because i feel so stupid. also because i dont want to press charges. i dont want to mess up someone elses whole life. i grew up with this guy. i started hanging out with him recently through these new mutual friends but he was a grade above of me all through school. i dont know, i dont feel like he is a bad guy. i did have sex with him twice a few months ago. i might have had sex with him in the future if this hadn't happened. i just keep thinking about these kinds of things as reasons i dont want to do anything. i am supposed to start therapy soon anyways, i think this is something I can handle and just not let happen again. its freaking me out obviously though. I'm not one to say that you have to press charges. That can be a tough and painful road, so I think I can partly understand the reluctance. I just wish you would talk to someone, so you don't have the weight of this on your shoulders alone. I'm worried it's going to start to feel like this big, ugly, heavy secret, and it shouldn't be, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong or shameful. Back to the idea of pressing charges - you will not be messing up his life. HE messed up HIS OWN life. It's absolutely not on you - the choice was on him, and he already made a bad, disgusting choice. I have never been in your situation, but I am in situations fairly frequently where it's my duty to "turn people in" and "get them in trouble" for things, and the guilt trip of "I'm ruining his life" is one that's easy to fall into but a complete fallacy. He already made the choice to behave in a way that he knew was horrible and wrong, and you should in no way feel guilty for doing a right thing (because pressing him charges would be completely right and just). Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I am going to go get checked out. I havn't decided when or by who yet. As far as I know, he didn't come inside of me because it he told me he didn't and it was everywhere else. Not to sound too graphic, but he basically raped my mouth more than anything, so I'm not really worried about the possibility of being pregnant. I do want to get tested for stds of course. I am supposed to get my health insurance card any time now, and was already planning on going to counceling for other reasons, so i should probably start looking for a therapist. The idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this seems really awkward. I feel like I was slightly depressed before all this happened already, but this kinda put the icing on the cake. I didn't get up til way late today because it's easier just to sleep away things than to deal with them. I have stuff to do, but I really don't want to do it. I don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone right now. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 There could still be a chance M&H. I know it's a small chance put pre cum can contain sperm. Even if you don't vet an exam, you need to get a morning after pill. Link to comment
imsuperman Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'm glad that you have decided to take that first step, but please tell someone what happened and stay away form this guy at all costs. If it's someone anonymous, at least they're not sitting there staring at you while you tell it. Talk to whoever makes you comfortable, though. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 i just really dont want to leave my house right now Link to comment
imsuperman Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 i just really dont want to leave my house right now You'll know when you're ready. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I hope you decided to get help soon. Feeling so depressed and noT wanting to get out of bed, that's just going to ruin your life. And most likely get worse with time. Even though you don't believe it, talking to someone (especially someone who is trained to deal with sexual abuse) will help you get through this and move on. Many women, not all, but many cannot form healthy relationships after rape until they get help to deal with the emotions, the feelings of being violated and the feeling you could have done more. Whatever you choose, I wish you luck. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Knowing myself, I'm sure I wouldn't have reported that. I understand how awful it felt for you though. He's definitely a creep. But you don't really have an obligation to report this to police, at least I don't think so. I wouldn't know how to tell anyone, mostly considering you had been having sex before. That will make people automatically question this. Add that to the fact you didn't really make any noise about it. It was certainly a rape, I do agree with that. But I can understand why this happened, a combination of drinking and embarrassment. Hope you will feel better soon. Hold your head up and don't blame yourself. It's a learning experience for certain. Link to comment
Furtive Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not a violent person, but I wouldn't mind pummeling creeps that force themselves on girls... No respect at all, he straight up treated you like trash, no one deserves that. I hope you're all right. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Knowing myself, I'm sure I wouldn't have reported that. I understand how awful it felt for you though. He's definitely a creep. But you don't really have an obligation to report this to police, at least I don't think so. I wouldn't know how to tell anyone, mostly considering you had been having sex before. That will make people automatically question this. Add that to the fact you didn't really make any noise about it. It was certainly a rape, I do agree with that. But I can understand why this happened, a combination of drinking and embarrassment. Hope you will feel better soon. Hold your head up and don't blame yourself. It's a learning experience for certain. none of our mutual friends know that we had sex previously, but I still don't want to tell them. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 There is a bruise on my arm that looks suspiciously like a finger and I also have a scrape on my arm, but I don't know for sure if it was from him. I think it was, but we were at a party with a lot of people and a lot going on. It's possible that I bumped into something and not realized it. Or one of my friends grabbed onto my arm during the party. It was probably from him, but I'm not sure. Link to comment
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