violated last night

[Seraphim]

If my father had had a say, I never would have seen a therapist. In fact my father's course of action upon me telling everyone about this was to sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. The only reason I was able to see a therapist was through my school counselor.

 

I am glad your school took notice. Yeah, my dad made me destroy all the evidence of my abuse, but he did want me to get help. He wanted to destroy the evidence though so HE would not be in trouble with my mother because it was a member of HIS family who did it.( well that was just one person who did it. I was molested by 4 people as a child and date raped when I was 19.)

[OptomisticGirl]

I am glad your school took notice. Yeah, my dad made me destroy all the evidence of my abuse, but he did want me to get help. He wanted to destroy the evidence though so HE would not be in trouble with my mother because it was a member of HIS family who did it.( well that was just one person who did it. I was molested by 4 people as a child and date raped when I was 19.)

 

I'm so sorry to hear that Vic. I like to think I'm one of the ones who came out of her abuse with a clear head, although I have caught some flake for healing with a clinical way. I can't remember the last time I cried about it - I don't know if I ever DID, tbh - and I have no problem telling peole what happened, down to the details without a shred of emotion. I think I even frightened my therapist a tad on that one....

[peanutbutterandjelly]

well i just spent like the last 20 minutes looking for therapists in the area... it seems like there are a good amount to go to, but im more worried about finding a good match. I've been to therapy before and it just doesnt work if you dont make a connection with your therapist. Unfortunately the last therapist that I went to and really liked doesnt take my new insurance.

[Seraphim]

Keep looking! You will find someone.

[OptomisticGirl]

Is there anyway you could set up a few appointments with a few of them and 'test' drive them? Just to get a feel for your connection with them?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

yeah, thats my plan... Im gonna go to a couple initial appointments and see which one i like best

[Seraphim]

What does any of that have to do with being assaulted?

[GrowingIn]

I have already expressed my feelings on how I disagreed with your opinion of what this is considered in the first place but you keep addressing me as if I agreed with your interpretation. I don't. So in my opinion, it has a lot to do with it. I can see you want everyone to agree with the status quo, and agree "this was assault or rape" and anything to the contrary shouldn't be discussed, but just to entertain you...I feel knowing who the abuser was or previous circumstances that led to this event, the next immediate day, has a lot to do with this whole thing.

 

The last entry in that thread was on 8/27 and this one was created on 8/28. Now I'm not a detective, but....yeah I do believe there's actually a significant connection.

[OptomisticGirl]

I have already expressed my feelings on how I disagreed with your opinion of what this is considered in the first place but you keep addressing me as if I agreed with your interpretation. I don't. So in my opinion, it has a lot to do with it. I can see you want everyone to agree with the status quo, and agree "this was assault or rape" and anything to the contrary shouldn't be discussed, but just to entertain you...I feel knowing who the abuser was or previous circumstances that led to this event, the next immediate day, has a lot to do with this whole thing.

 

The last entry in that thread was on 8/27 and this one was created on 8/28. Now I'm not a detective, but....yeah I do believe there's actually a significant connection.

 

The last time I checked, knowing your abuser before the assualt does not lessen the assualt. In fact most rapes and assault are done by people you know - so I'm still having trouble following your line of thought on this GrowingIn. She said no, he continued after she said no. Doesn't get more assualt than that!

[Seraphim]

The last time I checked, knowing your abuser before the assualt does not lessen the assualt. In fact most rapes and assault are done by people you know - so I'm still having trouble following your line of thought on this GrowingIn. She said no, he continued after she said no. Doesn't get more assualt than that!

 

Yup, every single person who assaulted me was known to me and you are right most assaults are by people you know.

[sophie274]

I'm pretty sure this is not the guy milkandhoney was "dating", from those threads.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yup, every single person who assaulted me was known to me and you are right most assaults are by people you know.

 

Same here - I was assualted by my step father. In my support group of 10 only 2 had been assualted by complete strangers.

[OptomisticGirl]

Oh, just to point out, in her OP, she said she hadn't seen him IN A FEW MONTHS.

[Seraphim]

Awww so you are suggesting it is her fault????

[OptomisticGirl]

You need to ream more carefully GrowingIn, in her OP she said she hadn't seen this guy in a few months. Now unless time has changed and a few months has changed to a few days, I think your barking up the wrong tree.

 

I let people walk all over me - does that mean I submitted to my abuser as well? Please, GrowingIn, tell me how her telling him no and him CONTINUING to advance on her after that is not wrong?

[Seraphim]

You need to ream more carefully GrowingIn, in her OP she said she hadn't seen this guy in a few months. Now unless time has changed and a few months has changed to a few days, I think your barking up the wrong tree.

 

I let people walk all over me - does that mean I submitted to my abuser as well? Please, GrowingIn, tell me how her telling him no and him CONTINUING to advance on her after that is not wrong?

 

Also occassionally letting someone walk on you in some capacity does not mean you are asking to be raped. Really????( I agree with you OG)

[OptomisticGirl]

Also occassionally letting someone walk on you in some capacity does not mean you are asking to be raped. Really????

 

Apparently. It is SO hard to fully understand how easy it is to freeze and just let the attacker do what they want. Because the quicker they are done, the quicker it ends. That fear paralyzes every bone in your body and every thought process in your mind. You know you should scream, you know you should cry out, you know you should fight back - but you can't. My therapist compared that moment to the instinct for survial. Some lash out and attack back, others survive the other way by getting it over with.

 

It does not mean they were attacked any less.

[greywolf]

milkandhoney, people talk about 'fight or flight' a lot in response to a threat, but they rarely ever mention 'freeze.' There are many animals that respond to threats by freezing, playing dead, or even fainting. When I am faced with conflict I tend to freeze. My heart rate and respiratory rate increase, but my mind goes blank, I don't know what to do, no words come forth, I don't even know what sort of emotions I'm experiencing because the only thing on my mind is to hold my fear in check so that they can't see it. Fight or flight are expressions of fear and my instincts have always been to not let people know that I'm scared or hurt. It doesn't matter how old you are.

 

I was molested several times by my father when I was 12. A part of me still feels humiliated about it because I never said no, and another part of me knows it wasn't my fault. He left when I was about 16, and after that I promised myself that I'd never let him or anyone else do anything to me against my will ever again. Then I saw him again when I was 18 at my grandfather's funeral. He did a couple of things to me that I did not like and I just froze. I had let it happen again, and I was humiliated that I was already an adult and again I had done nothing. I allowed it to happen.

 

I let this happen, knowing beforehand that it was something that might happen again, something that I had steeled myself for, but I still let it happen. But even though I allowed it, I'm sure that you and most others here would say that it wasn't my fault.

[Seraphim]

Apparently. It is SO hard to fully understand how easy it is to freeze and just let the attacker do what they want. Because the quicker they are done, the quicker it ends. That fear paralyzes every bone in your body and every thought process in your mind. You know you should scream, you know you should cry out, you know you should fight back - but you can't. My therapist compared that moment to the instinct for survial. Some lash out and attack back, others survive the other way by getting it over with.

 

It does not mean they were attacked any less.

 

Yes. Even when I did not fight back I was still slammed into walls and slammed into the floor until I passed out, never mind fight back. That would have been worse.

 

The thing is because you occassionally let someone step over some boundaries does not mean someone is asking to be raped or does not understand when they have been raped or that it is "ok" they were raped or you can "see why the were raped" or whatever the blame the victim statement it is today.

[OptomisticGirl]

You said it perfectly Greywolf - and I"m so sorry about what your dad did.

 

I told my mother about my abuse and it stopped for a while but I guess after about 6 months it started again. Did I tell her right off the bat? No. Between the humilitation and no one believing me the first time and not stopping him myself, why would I?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes. Even when I did not fight back I was still slammed into walls and slammed into the floor until I passed out, never mind fight back. That would have been worse.

 

The thing is because you occassionally let someone step over some boundaries does not mean someone is asking to be raped or does not understand when they have been raped or that it is "ok" they were raped or you can "see why the were raped" or whatever the blame the victim statement it is today.

 

My mother and I actually got into a heated argument one night when she said women who wore low cut shirts and skirts were asking to be raped. Considering the man that had abused her daughter was sat accross the living room, needless to say it was not one of my most calm moments...

[Seraphim]

You said it perfectly Greywolf - and I"m so sorry about what your dad did.

 

I told my mother about my abuse and it stopped for a while but I guess after about 6 months it started again. Did I tell her right off the bat? No. Between the humilitation and no one believing me the first time and not stopping him myself, why would I?

 

Exactly. I have only told my parents about the one person who abused me, they to this day know NOTHING about the others and I am 45 years old almost. There is too much humiliation and I can not stand reliving anymore of what has happened to me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'm not sure exactly what I missed because posts were deleted, but it seems like you guys were trying to figure out if the guy from my last post is the same guy? Absolutely not! I actually hadn't heard from that guy in a week until today, now I dont know what to even say to him. What was the concern about these two posts being connected?

[avman]

Moderator note: This is the final warning to all regarding personal attacks on others. Further incidents will result in an immediate account suspension. Keep the discussion on topic and relevant.

[DN]

I'm not sure exactly what I missed because posts were deleted, but it seems like you guys were trying to figure out if the guy from my last post is the same guy? Absolutely not! I actually hadn't heard from that guy in a week until today, now I dont know what to even say to him. What was the concern about these two posts being connected?

Don't worry about the previous posts, they are irrelevant now

 

You don't have to say anything to him about what happened to the guy from your previous thread. It isn't his business and you are under no obligation to share anything about that experience with him.