violated last night

[Seraphim]

I don't mind the different view points. I can see why the lines are blurry. But I'm not going to press charges, so it really doesn't matter if we discuss the law or not.

 

Just be sure to get help if you need it Milk and Honey and just know you brought nothing on yourself.

[GrowingIn]

It is absolutely ridiculous to interpret that because milkandhoney does not want to report this, she was not raped. The overwhelming majority of rape victims never make report - yes, even those who kick and scream and leave scrapes and bruises on the guy.

 

A previous sexual history does not affect one's right (duty) to consent or not consent, EACH AND EVERY TIME you have sex.

 

Let's move away from this legal debate, which is frankly useless. Milkandhoney has already said she does not wish to report this, so I don't see how it helps her in the least to have members debate the viability of her court case.

 

Where did I ever accuse her of lying? This isn't just a legal debate. It's a moral and ethical debate, and it's always good to have a solid and objective middle ground before anyone decides what it really is when it's quite clear the person reporting it isn't quite sure.

 

Almost everything that she originally wrote has to do with her feelings, not facts, or events, beginning with the thread title. She's not lying about feeling violated. That is exactly how she FEELS. Whether or not this is actually rape, is a COMPLETELY different matter. And that is what a lot of people are not seeing.

[Seraphim]

^^ It is actually not a debate at all. She came here for support for how she feels. How she FEELS is just as important as legal definition and that is what YOU are not seeing.

[GrowingIn]

And while I respect your viewpoint when it is truly such a case, I'm also once again going to present you with another. It also doesn't help to convince a person that may just be dealing with other issues, that what she is, is a victim of rape. That doesn't help her self esteem either. That actually tends to tear someone down for a longer period of time, sometimes for life.

 

The reason I brought up a legal debate, is because until I said something along those lines, no one DARED speak their minds and even offer an opposing viewpoint out of fear, not from the OP feeling insulted or wronged, but rather from the supporters of the original viewpoint tearing into their butts. And I just wanted to thank the couple of guys that had the guts to post their differing opinions on this.

[OptomisticGirl]

When milkandhoney posts a thread about what will happen when he reports the assault, that's the thread for legal talk. Milkandhoney was in an emotional state when creating this thread and this should be her outlet to lay bare how she feels from confusion, to doubt, to pity, to blaming herself - not a thread for people to say 'you didn't fight back, therefore you were not sexually assaulted'. I was unaware fighting back was a condition that had to be met to be sexually assaulted. I didn't fight back but I was sexually assaulted... I said no and it was not heard.

 

So if people want to debate rape then they need to make their own thread, not make a girl who was assaulted - perhaps not raped but she WAS assaulted - doubt wether she was assaulted or not. The first step in healing from attacks like this is to realise it's not your fault it happened to you - Frankly GrowingIn, your coming accross as saying it IS her fault because she didn't fight back. That's doing a whole lot more damage than just being compassionate.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Milkandhoney, how are you feeling today? How is the situation with your parents? Have you thought about calling a hotline? Therapists are strangers, and they can be really helpful, so the hotline could help you too. You could always hang up if it's weird or uncomfortable, no commitment you know.

 

I'm feeling better today, not on edge like the past couple of days. I don't really know how calling a hotline would help. I just dont feel like telling the story out loud to someone when I already know that I'm not to blame and I dont want to press charges.

[Seraphim]

Talking about your emotions is helpful, I know you might not think so right now. Take a chance to breath and try to relax a bit. I can tell you though it IS helpful to talk it out and get professional help because it does affect all kinds of aspects of your life even if you do not think it will now. I have been living with it for 38 years and it does affect every single aspect of my life to come capacity. Having people you love and trust listen to you and even professionals listen to you is a godsend. Do not try and live it alone.

[imsuperman]

I'm feeling better today, not on edge like the past couple of days. I don't really know how calling a hotline would help. I just dont feel like telling the story out loud to someone when I already know that I'm not to blame and I dont want to press charges.

 

It's good that you're feeling better.

 

I'd say stay away from the guy. Really. Please don't have any contact with him.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm feeling better today, not on edge like the past couple of days. I don't really know how calling a hotline would help. I just dont feel like telling the story out loud to someone when I already know that I'm not to blame and I dont want to press charges.

 

Tlking about it is therapeutic. I didn't talk to anymore for about a year after I told people but I eventually told my therapist. I never did a hot line. I would suggest you talking to your therapist, even if just to say this happened, this is how I feel, etc.

[Seraphim]

Tlking about it is therapeutic. I didn't talk to anymore for about a year after I told people but I eventually told my therapist. I never did a hot line. I would suggest you talking to your therapist, even if just to say this happened, this is how I feel, etc.

 

I agree it is helpful to talk. The first and second and even the 4th person to molest me I have never talked about except to one person I can sincerely say I wished I had talked more. Keeping silent has done a lot to damage my life.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not sure what else other than sexual assault it could be when she said she did not want to have sex wit him and said no. Wen she said no, he should have stopped. He didn't. How is that not a sexual assault?

[Seraphim]

My feelings are in check. However, her feelings at THIS moment can do a lot to make her life misery if they are not supported correctly. I am not sure if you are seeing that.

[agent1607307371]

This thread has run its course.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: Thread reopened at OP's request. Stay on topic and post respectfully.

[DN]

milkandhoney - what happened to you was bad and I am sorry that this guy clearly took advantage of you. You have been given some good advice and support.

 

I also think you need to look to the future and what to do should you ever find yourself close to a similar situation again - because clearly you don't want to go to the extreme of shutting yourself away and never associating with men.

 

Obviously, avoid being alone with a man you don't know and trust.

 

But as soon as someone starts going beyond your boundaries it is essential that you are assertive. Immediately say "No. stop doing that" and say it in a strong and assertive tone of voice. Don't be afraid of raising your voice a little and don't sound afraid.

 

Stop the encounter immediately - if you are OK with kissing but he goes beyond that, don't say 'No' but resume kissing because that can send a message that you don't really mean it and that he may be able to seduce you. Tell him it's time to go - if he is a gentleman he will understand and there is no reason you can't tell him you would like to see him again. But don't let him persuade you to continue there and then - more kissing is for the next date if there is one (I am talking here about someone you don't know well and do not feel comfortable reverting to kissing or cuddling)

 

If he won't stop when you tell him too and begins to use his strength or to force you, then say. loudly and assertively "Stop. Now" - if he doesn't then start yelling and screaming. But don't yell "help' or 'stop' - yell 'fire' and that is more likely to get someone to call 911.

[imsuperman]

This is really good advice. Again I would advise strongly against any contact with the guy who did this. I understand this will be difficult due to mutual friends etc, but I really can't see any good coming from it.

 

Just because he knows what he did is wrong does not excuse it.

[OptomisticGirl]

The one thing that helped me regain my physical self power back after being a sexual abuse survivor was defense classes. Sounds corny and stupid but my therapist at the time suggusted it so I took them. And while therapy gave me my power back emotionally, the classes gave me that physical power back, to know that I had within my own grasp the means to protect myself and I knew how. Doesn't mean I would be able to fell a 300 lbs. guy trying to assault me but a lot of sexual abuse survivors were in my defense class and it was theraputic for them as well. But it's just a thought I thought I would throw out there.

[Seraphim]

The one thing that helped me regain my physical self power back after being a sexual abuse survivor was defense classes. Sounds corny and stupid but my therapist at the time suggusted it so I took them. And while therapy gave me my power back emotionally, the classes gave me that physical power back, to know that I had within my own grasp the means to protect myself and I knew how. Doesn't mean I would be able to fell a 300 lbs. guy trying to assault me but a lot of sexual abuse survivors were in my defense class and it was theraputic for them as well. But it's just a thought I thought I would throw out there.

 

I like that idea, OG, I might try that.

[OptomisticGirl]

I like that idea, OG, I might try that.

 

I highly recommend it for anyone who has been sexually abused. I have never had to use what we learned - and let's face it, there is only so many people a 5'4" woman could take down on her own! - but it wasn't about actually USING what we learned, it was more of knowing we HAD the knowledge to properly protect ourselves and it was very impowering. I only went to a few survivor meetings but I went to many more defense classes.

[Seraphim]

I highly recommend it for anyone who has been sexually abused. I have never had to use what we learned - and let's face it, there is only so many people a 5'4" woman could take down on her own! - but it wasn't about actually USING what we learned, it was more of knowing we HAD the knowledge to properly protect ourselves and it was very impowering. I only went to a few survivor meetings but I went to many more defense classes.

 

Yes, it is the knowledge you can defend yourself if need be. My little sister takes Karate and she is in the black belt programme and she is really good. She can take down adults and she is only 13 and 100 pounds. They did not suggest that when I had therapy about 30 years ago.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

The self defense class sounds cool, I think I can probably find one of those around here. Maybe when fall/winter rolls around. My first priority is definitely getting a therapist. I dont have my insurance card and I havn't really looked yet. It sounds like a pretty daunting task and I just really don't want to deal with it right now. I was planning on going to therapy for other issues, but this will obviously come up as something that I'm going through at the moment.

[Seraphim]

You have us here too if you need anyone to talk to.

[OptomisticGirl]

No lie, it is daunting to find a good therapist that works with you and that you like. I went through about 3 before I found one that I trusted enough to open up to (hence the year of not talking to anyone after revealing the incident).

[Seraphim]

No lie, it is daunting to find a good therapist that works with you and that you like. I went through about 3 before I found one that I trusted enough to open up to (hence the year of not talking to anyone after revealing the incident).

 

I am glad you got the choice. My choice was made for me. My mom made the choice and I saw the top pediatric psychiatrist in the province at the time, but for me I do not remember my therapy at all. Supposedly it was 5 days a week in the afternoon for 2 years but I have no memories of it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I am glad you got the choice. My choice was made for me. My mom made the choice and I saw the top pediatric psychiatrist in the province at the time, but for me I do not remember my therapy at all. Supposedly it was 5 days a week in the afternoon for 2 years but I have no memories of it.

 

If my father had had a say, I never would have seen a therapist. In fact my father's course of action upon me telling everyone about this was to sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. The only reason I was able to see a therapist was through my school counselor.