Confession: I can't cope with my baby anymore

[Batya33]

Everything seems impossible when you are sleep deprived. If you can let your mother take him one day a week and sleep a solid 12 hours that one night, it might help a lot.

 

I've never heard of a new mom being able to get 12 hours of solid sleep with a newborn (especially if mom is breastfeeding and not pumping yet and even if not, 12 hours typically includes at least 2-3 feedings with a newborn and Bellla's son could be up twice as often as that -not so sure even a loving grandma is going to take that on or that mom is going to feel comfortable) - but that would have been a dream! Bella I heard good things about the swing too but I wouldn't get a used one unless it was from a friend and you knew exactly how old it was or was able to confirm how used it was - I realize you're on a budget, believe me! -but since he'll be sitting in that for up to an hour or more (from what I have heard-we only had the bouncy seat) you want to make sure it's in great condition. And check recent recalls on the consumer products site (there's one here in the US that I relied on a lot -I'm sure there's something similar in the UK).

I hear you that every day is different - and that doesn't change much for some babies (not meaning crying all day, just the unpredictability). Hope you got some sleep today. We are all here for you and it will be ok.

[BellaStranger]

I wouldn't dream of asking my mum to have him overnight unfortunately... She does so much for me during the day, she's 64 years old and also works 4 days a week... So I couldn't possibly ask more of her! If she offered I might think about it but I couldn't possibly ask!! She does do his midnight formula feed for me sometimes- so I'll get to sleep from 10 till 3... that feels like luxury, even though I still wake up whenever I hear him cry downstairs!

 

I will look into swings- we have a consumer site called 'which' that I could sign up to!

[BellaDonna]

BellaS, I really do wonder if your little guy might have some acid reflux like my son did. The part where you mentioned that he will only sleep on you or propped up sounds just like my son. Some babies have "silent reflux". They will not spit up a lot but instead they gulp and swallow it back down. It is very painful. Laying flat can send them howling in pain because the acid keeps going into their throats.

 

Does your son:

 

*get very upset when it is time to burp and have wet burps

*arch his head back during feeding or burping

*only wants to eat small amounts at a time

*make a facial motion that looks like he is chewing on his tongue

*gets hiccups very often

*seems happiest when inclined (on your shoulder, in an infant carseat, etc)

 

If so he might have it.

 

I too once bought a vibrating bouncy seat for my son and he wasn't really too pleased with it. The swing was his favorite. The good thing about the swings is that you can usually adjust the seat to recline or incline as much as the baby likes. They usually play music and have a smoother motion that is very soothing for an infant.

[BellaStranger]

I thought about reflux too because he does have some of the symptoms but when he falls asleep on me it is always flat accross my lap rather than inclined on my shoulder. He does get hiccups loads and arch his back, cry and thrash about when feeding! But then he sleeps okay in his Moses basket at night which is completely flat, he just won't go in it during the day, he seems to know instantly when I have put him down during daylight hours and gets instantly hysterical! He seems to have some of the symptoms of everything and all the symptoms of nothing!

 

He also seems to massively over react. For example, we were having a pretty good morning, I was getting him dressed and I sneezed and it made him jump, which I'm sure might make any baby cry, but he cried solidly and hysterically for 40 mins and refused to be comforted. He's then cried on and off for a further 2 hours till he's exhausted himself and fallen asleep. accross my lap and won't be put down! I was going to take him into town to try him in the swing in store an see if he likes it...but I'm exhausted now!

[Seraphim]

Bella,

 

Could your baby have sensory issues? My son did and would scream like he was being murdered if wind blew on his head. Seriously every time. He would scream and scream and scream. Too much light, too much noise and the same thing. If I laid him on flat surfaces he would get this utterly HORRIFIED look and scream and claw at his own skin. If I picked him up he was ok and if was laid on a soft surface he was ok.

[BellaStranger]

I don't think so, cos he laughs when the wind blows in his face or it rains and je likes the sunshine. There's also a lot of noises etc that don't bother him. Or a noise will one day but not another. But it's like when he starts crying he can't stop and gets himself into a bit of a crying fit!! I know EXACTLY what you mean by that horrified look though and screaming like he's being murdered! I sometimes wonder what my neighbours must think is happening in here!!

[BellaDonna]

He sounds like a very sensitive little one. Proably fits the profile here link removed

[Seraphim]

I must say I feel for you. My son was a pretty high needs baby. The nurse the night he was born kept him at the nursing station because I was too sick to have him. After 4 hours they brought him to me and said he was very high needs and frantic and "here look after your own kid" He literally drove me insane for almost 7 years.

[BellaStranger]

He sounds like a very sensitive little one. Proably fits the profile here link removed

 

Oh wow! That sounds a lot like him!!

[Fudgie]

I hope I don't get flogged for this (and please, please, PLEASE don't get mad at me for suggesting this, I don't mean this in any bad way) but if the baby is very, very young, is adoption an option? That is, if medication and other things aren't helping you?

 

I read about your story, BellaStranger. It sounds like you're really going through a rough patch and is true that the father of the child is not being very cooperative? That must be so difficult. It makes me sad to hear of you being really miserable. I would bet that part of that is raising a child (which is hard, yes) but it's even more hard when you're alone in doing it.

 

If you are just doggone miserable and REALLY REALLY struggling, I think it may be a viable option, if you are up for it. Perhaps it could be an open adoption. It does not mean that you are a bad parent, because it sounds like you're fine, but sometimes babies happen at the wrong times, and the father won't contribute, and you're a single mom....it all makes for a VERY difficult situation.

 

There are many childless couples out there who yearn for a child and there are many mothers who are struggling with a child when it happened and it just wasn't the right time. Sometimes when these two groups meet, it's best for both parties.

[lostnscared]

Some babies are like that. I think Victoria was right when she termed it "high needs" babies. My brother was one of them. He cried and cried and cried, and cried, and didn't respond to anything. He drove my mom crazy. Ironically when his wife had his son, his son was the exact way--he was a crier, and overly dramatic, and just a lot to handle.

[Miss Firecracker]

Bella, I don't know if anyone asked you this, but the tongue...sounds as if there is a chance the baby has thrush. Did you ask your doctor yet?

 

Looked again and you said his gums have white bumps, not his tongue. I hope that is teeth underneath the bumps and not something else.

[BellaStranger]

Fudgie- I know your well meaning- so there will be no flogging but adoption is definitely not an option!! And that's that. I am struggling at the moment, but I'd rather chop off my arm than lose him, life wouldn't be worth living!

 

I haven't been to the doctor yet, I asked my health visitor. She said about thrush but thought it was unlikely as there was none on his tongue and it wasn't getting any worse, but she also didn't feel it was teeth. I'm going to take him to the doctor to check it out!

[mindi]

Babies get into crying fits where they forget even why they were crying to begin with. The best thing to do in such a situation is to wrap him in a blanket (unless it is too hot) and take him outside. Completely change his surroundings and distract him from crying. Sing to him and rub his back. Walk around and talk to him gently. Driving in the car with him might also help to put him to sleep at night.

 

I know it sounds really simple, but he might be really gassy and needs to be burped partway through feeding and throughout the day. I was actually told by a nurse in the hospital that breastfed babies do not need to be burped, which is completely untrue. The mention of him being colic also seems to make a lot of sense and if so he needs to be burped even more often. If he doesn't burp but seems to have a belly ache, lay him flat on his back on the couch or your lap for 30 seconds, then pick him up to your shoulder and pat and rub his back. Do this until he burps. Also from experience with my own baby, stay away from soy formula. It can cause gas and spitting up to be worse and constipation.

 

 

I was a colic baby, my mother's first born and I was the worst baby that my family has ever seen even to this day. I also had the worst case of separation anxiety that my doctor has ever seen. I screamed all day long no matter what she did and she couldn't get me to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time until I was 8months old. I don't think I ever slept through the night as a baby. Her doctor wanted to hospitalize her because she was about to have a breakdown, but she refused. She also had no one to help her. I am absolutely positive that she felt like she didn't want to be a mother every day. What I am trying to say is that I turned out perfectly fine and my mother is now a total pro (after 4 children) with any baby or child and specializes in special needs children.

[mindi]

Being a mom is really hard, especially for the first time. You are dealing with depression, lack of sleep, frustration, isolation etc. all day everyday. Even when you have a chance to relax, you are so used to being stressed out that it is impossible. I have been there as many of us have. It is harder for some than for others because each baby is different and each mother is different. I don't think you are doing anything wrong or that you are a terrible mother. When you feel that you might hurt him from frustration, you are doing the right thing by leaving him safely in his bed, but be careful not to be so rough with him when you put him down. Talk gently to him when you do it and leave the room if you must.

 

I found my baby to be really tough, he wouldn't settle down to breastfeed and he never seemed to relax when I held him. I had the same feelings of not wanting to be a mother and being unable to relax. The second he was in my mother's arms, he would be at total ease and she couldn't keep him awake. She said he is a very easy baby and that I am very lucky. I would do everything the same way as her, but somehow it was different. Like he could feel my anxiety and it caused him to be anxious.

[BellaDonna]

Fudgie- I know your well meaning- so there will be no flogging but adoption is definitely not an option!! And that's that. I am struggling at the moment, but I'd rather chop off my arm than lose him, life wouldn't be worth living!

 

I haven't been to the doctor yet, I asked my health visitor. She said about thrush but thought it was unlikely as there was none on his tongue and it wasn't getting any worse, but she also didn't feel it was teeth. I'm going to take him to the doctor to check it out!

 

Yeah, I think there is a huge difference between being stressed about having no sleep and a fussy child vs. not wanting to be a mother at all and giving a child up for adoption. Being stressed does not mean you do not want your own child. lol

 

No matter what is causing his issues whether it be colic, reflux, gas, or just a sensitive high-need infant, he WILL get better with time. When he starts to babble and learn how to make new sounds he will be able to communicate in other ways besides crying. When he learns to roll over, sit up, and crawl he will have more independence to explore and keep his mind busy and he will have more control over his posture which aids digestion.

 

All medical issues aside, my boy was never the kind of baby that would play with his own feet happily. He was very demanding and strong-willed. He always had to be doing something and would cry (an angry cry) if I kept the same toy in front of him for too long. I found the most relief came when he learned how to crawl. He was able to control his posture and sit up if he had a belly ache (less crying )and he also enjoyed traveling along the floor and discovering many different toys.

 

Once he was able to have some solid foods he was much better too.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm so sorry to hear this Bella. I have never been in your position as a mother but i am in it as a aunt. My mom and I keep my nephew 5 days a week and he is not the calmest child I have ever encountered. My niece was the perfect baby. Sleeping through the night at 2 months, never cried except for when she was wet, soiled, sleepy, or hungry. Not my nephew. We can't even walk out of the room without him screaming bloody murder. Even if we just step over the baby gate (were he can still see us) he screams. I'm not his mom but as his aunt, I'm at my wits end. I work full time so I can get away from it but my mom... I feel so sorry for her. She is around it 24/7 unless I take him. You aren't alone Bella. Is ther any way you could go to the doctor?

[lostnscared]

Yeah, it kind of sucks because every baby has their own personality. I don't think crying a lot, necessarily means that the baby is "bad" or even "needy"(even though I know that's what they term it) but just has his own personality. I've personally only encountered one baby like this, and that is my nephew. He made me NOT want children, because all he did was cry. There was nothing wrong with him(my sister in law took him to the doctor plenty of times) it was just who he was. Now he is 4, and he has quite a personality, but I'm happy to say that the crying ceased as he got older. I think Bella made a good suggestion by saying that changing scenary would be a good idea. Have you considered maybe putting him in daycare a couple of times a week? Just so you get a break, and so does he? I'm glad your mother is helping you out a lot--is the baby's father helping out as well? Take as much help as you can get, and realize that in time things will get better!

[Fudgie]

That's what I'm not sure of - was she stressed out and just felt like she couldn't deal or is she genuinely NOT connecting with the child and feels like she can't do it?

 

Her original post sounded rather dire so that's why I presented this option IF she felt like it was a viable option given what's going on.

 

But yeah, I know now.

 

Bella, thank you for responding to me and not getting mad. I respect your choice and I'm wishing you luck. I wish I had some cool advice to help but I'm not very knowledgeable. I just hope that he becomes better with time and I definitely think he will! Some children are very fussy.

[BellaStranger]

It's funny because you suggesting that has made me feel like things can't be all that bad if that's still SO not an option to me and put things back in perspective a little: that this is a stage that I will probably live through!

 

Thank you for all sharing, it does help to know mine isn't the ONLY baby like this! That article on high needs children helped too. Maybe this is just his personality right now and hes frustrated by being a baby!!

[BellaDonna]

I promise promise promise it will get better dear. I remember people telling me that and I was so desperate to know WHEN lol. Something magical seems to happen when babies learn to crawl and make other sounds. They cry less.

 

It's still hard work but nothing like those early infant months.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's funny because you suggesting that has made me feel like things can't be all that bad if that's still SO not an option to me and put things back in perspective a little: that this is a stage that I will probably live through!

 

Thank you for all sharing, it does help to know mine isn't the ONLY baby like this! That article on high needs children helped too. Maybe this is just his personality right now and hes frustrated by being a baby!!

 

I think that's what you really need Bella. Someone to say 'this is your way out' because it showed you you DON'T want that way out, even if you feel like it in the heat of a crying spell. My nephew is high demand and is by far one of the most challenging babies I have ever looked after. You will be fine and it will end as BellaDonna said. May not be as soon as you want, lol, but it will.

[luminousone]

Just want you to know that you will get through this! My firstborn nursed every hour through the day hours, and then if he slept for more than 5 hours at night, then I really paid for it the next day! He was often so well behaved and attentive if I took him somewhere, but then the next day he would cry for hours and hours! Our pediatrician said he was just getting overstimulated...

 

Eventually I found that he was lactose intolerant. And I know you considered that and ruled it out, but if you are still nursing then there may be other foods that irritate his tummy - like gluten, caffeine, chocolate, onions, etc. I had to eat a very limited diet if I wanted any sleep!

 

Every time I took him into the doctor's for a checkup, they always asked if he sleeps through the night. The answer was always no, and eventually they stopped asking.

 

My son is now almost 16 years (different challenges) and he is still a light sleeper - but now he could sleep in until noon! Life is very different. He is a very caring, sweet soul (most of the time) and so surprisingly soft spoken!

 

It was extremely difficult those first few months, but every baby has his own personality and temperament, and every stage brings new delights and challenges.

 

I do seem to remember that a fussy time comes about with your son's age. And teething does really hurt! You may try a cold teething ring that you can store in the fridge or freezer to bring relief. And Tylenol.

 

Do take advantage of a babysitter to give you a sanity break!

 

And when it seems unbearable, just say a mantra to get yourself through it - like, "endure, endure, endure" or something like that!

[itzGman]

Dear Bella

Understand that u r not alone.

Me and my baby's mama felt the same way, in fact I haunt meet a parent who never went thru difficult times early on.

But guess what?

After we felt like this would be our only baby, we wanted another one two years later.

No one can explain to u how hard having little ones are.

U just have to experience it yourself.

But Im sure u will agree...they are so worth it.

Hang in there and reach out to family and friends for support.

Muah!

 

[Poppyroch]

Hello Belladonna, I realise you posted in 2011 about not coping with your baby, but I googled the subject as I am feeling exactly the same. How did you cope in the end? My whole body is aching, malnourished and my relationship with my husband is really deteriorating because neither of us have any patience left. I hope you pulled through ok.