Girlfriend got a tattoo without saying anything

[david123]

Then is she the right girl for you if the people you hang with only judge people superficially? You better look at that. I do not think she is a bad or evil person, she just might not be the right person for the circle you have to be in.

 

Not a lot i can do to change that. Everyone in my life has been privately educated in some of the best establishments in the UK. Eton, Marlborough College etc etc....

[Jd1983]

She probably should have mentioned it to you first just to let you know that she was going to get one.

 

However, you shouldn't have a right not to tell her to do so.

 

In regards to your family, sure they may not like it. However, ultimately you're the one who is with her, not your family.

 

I have two tattoos that I've gotten when I was much younger. My bf despises tattoos, but he's accepting of me. His family doesn't like tattoos either, and they were really surprised when they saw that I had them. They don't look at me differently because of them. In fact, it is what it is.

[misssmithviii]

Ok, I hate the whole "I didn't tell you because you'd be upset" behavior - but can you blame her if you have already condemned the idea?

*sigh* I understand both sides but ultimately, when it comes to communication I am a strong advocate for being straight-forward irregardless.

 

Talk to her about how it made you feel, in a non-confrontational manner. Right now, she probably knows she'll be outcasted for her decision but she's okay with that. She needs a man who'll back her up and support her, not alienate her just the same as the community.

 

This can be easily worked out if you accept her and her decision, work through the communication issues.

[misssmithviii]

Not a lot i can do to change that. Everyone in my life has been privately educated in some of the best establishments in the UK. Eton, Marlborough College etc etc....

 

I must admit this sounds a little... haughty. Just because everyone in your life has been "privately educated in some of the best establishments" means it's perfectly alright for them to look down on her? You sound like you agree with them... I would be pretty distraught if my boyfriend sided with society against me for being who I am... I'd wonder if we should even be together.

[david123]

Maybe i should just give up trying to bring her out of working class and into middle class and accept her for who she is.

[misssmithviii]

Classes there depend on superficial judgement? Interesting... I would think it has more to do with the fiber of a person, their industriousness and success in perseverance. I'm not being sarcastic, just very confused how her having a tattoo (and you've mentioned only one, unless it's on her face or hands it's easily concealed) determines her financial status. Isn't the only difference between working class and middle class, monetary? That's how it is here. There's no social tiers based upon judgement and the ability to conform.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Maybe i should just give up trying to bring her out of working class and into middle class and accept her for who she is.

 

You're wondering if you should accept her for who she is? Money and private education doesn't buy class I guess. I'm willing to bet money she will eventually leave you for being ignorant and intolerant towards people "beneath" you.

[Seraphim]

Maybe i should just give up trying to bring her out of working class and into middle class and accept her for who she is.

 

Being privately educated and all the things you mention are EXTREMELY upper class or beyond. She is not a social disease but a person. All people are equal.

[regular joe]

I would be upset too. Her desires are more important to her than yours obviously. I do and don't do many things out of love and respect for my wife that if I we single I may approach differently. If she values her right to do what she wants above all else, good luck being happy in that relationship. Of course she can do whatever she wants, but it would be nice of she cared what you thought as well.

 

I picked this quote because it reminds me of a discussion on this topic that my ex and I had. As a matter of fact her friend stuck her nose into the whole thing. The friend used the it is her body her right argument too that I saw repeatedly in responses. Now, she already had a few tattoos that she had before we met and I lived with them. Her friend was trying to talk her into getting another. When she brought it up, I replied that I wish she wouldn't, never that she couldn't. But that in my opinion she had enough to be sexy not trashy for lack of a better explanation. Now when the friend was there butting into something that didn't concern her anyway, giving me the it's her body/ your controlling speech. I said how about if I get a Jacobs ladder or Prince Albert piercing, knowing full well about how she (my ex) hated any kind of piercings. Her reply was if I did she would never touch it again. My reply was now who is being controlling? By your argument it's my body to do with as I please and you have no say. When you are in relationship the point is to discuss something and come to a mutual agreement, not just F it do as you please and to the hell with the other person.

[DN]

She has a right to get the tattoo with consulting you in any way. That is her choice and decision to make.

 

However, you also have a right to decide the sort of person with whom you want to have a relationship - just the same as any one else. Many people have deal-breakers and very often they don't make much sense to other people but they may have deal-breakers of their own that don't make sense to you.

 

What you have to decide is whether this tattoo is a deal-breaker for you - if the reasons for disliking it are strong enough to mean that you break up with her that it is your choice and your right.

 

But if you decide to stay with her then get over the tattoo, forget all about the deceit aspect because it wasn't your business anyway, and get on with the relationship without holding resentment against her.

[FathomFear]

I agree but sadly i cannot change my family or the 100's of people in our social circle.

 

Maybe i should just give up trying to bring her out of working class and into middle class and accept her for who she is.

 

David, by the sounds of it you have not yet changed yourself, let alone you family. It seems rather clear to me that you are still viewing people through the lens of classes, etc, and trying to live by supposed rules which dictate which behaviors are or are not acceptable. While I understand not liking the fact that she did not at least speak about this with you, I think you need to face the real underlying issue here--the fact that you are still very much caught in these conventions and are acutely sensitive to how you'll be perceived by friends/family. Your girlfriend likely recognizes this, and rather than engage in an inevitable confrontation she just decided to avoid it entirely.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think you are being rational, in essence you are upset because she did something that you dont like, without your permission. She didnt need your permission or to discuss it with you.

[agent1607307371]

I didnt want her to get my permission and i would never have told her not to get it done if she really wanted it I just would of liked to have discussed it before hand, at least that way she could of got it done at a proper tattoo parlour and not one where they messed it up.

 

Is that too much to ask?

 

I actually would have a problem with my bf/gf getting a tattoo and getting a bad one. There is no worse marr on your body.

 

Did she research it, or just do it off the cuff?

 

Is it somewhere it can be covered?

[thejigsup]

I LOATHE tatoos, any kind, anywhere. If I had a significant other who got a tattoo without telling me, I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't sweat it, either. People are worth far more than some ink on their body. I respect everyone's right to do with their body as they please. People don't come with pink slips, you don't OWN people, you just enjoy having them in your life. If it upsets you that much, she needs to find someone kinder and you need to find someone from your own social set. Remember, you are not her father, you are her boyfriend. BIG difference

[gingerlemon]

Maybe i should just give up trying to bring her out of working class and into middle class and accept her for who she is.

 

This. Entering into a relationship because you want to change someone is a huge mistake. If you don't accept her for who she is in the first place, the basis for a relationship isn't there. In any case you have partially said it's not there now anyway, since she now can't be accepted into your family and social circle.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, I've known plenty of people from prestigious public schools such as Marlborough, Eton etc - and from Oxford and Cambridge - who have piercings, tattoos and use drugs recreationally. 'Twas ever thus. For them, it was part of breaking away from the kind of background you describe and discovering their own identity (which isn't to say they didn't regret the tattoos later on!)

 

I guess that at the moment you are feeling a pressure to conform to expectations of those in your social circle; or what you imagine those expectations to be, and are hoping that your girlfriend will conform to them as well. You are clearly very uncomfortable that she is not, and I'm guessing also that this isn't so much about you being controlling, but feeling controlled as well.

 

Firstly, if your girlfriend already has a good relationship with the people around you, that is unlikely to change because of a tattoo. Secondly, although people often express views on certain issues, these often evaporate when they actually meet people affected by these issues. Thirdly, well-educated and cultured people are often a lot more broad-minded than you might think, especially as you seem to be fearful of pushing those imagined boundaries and have probably not put this to the test.

 

I'm not going to enter into the discussion about it being her own body and not being obliged to ask your permission about what she does with it - that's been covered elsewhere - but there also seems to be a more generalised fear about her doing things in the future which will not conform to the behaviour you perceive as safe, appropriate and in keeping with the kind of social circle to which you belong. There is nothing in your original post which suggests that her getting the tattoo was deceitful, and often when we accuse others of being deceitful/insensitive/selfish etc, we are actually saying "You're not doing what I want you to do".

 

You need to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who is more of a free spirit than you are - with the unpredictability that that may entail - or look to find someone within your social circle whose behaviour will not threaten you or cause you anxiety.

[OrangeSlice]

1. She is your girlfriend, you do not own her.

2. It is her body, she can do what ever she wants to it.

3. It is her body, she can do what ever she wants to it.

4. It is her body, she can do what ever she wants to it.

Need I say more? NO!

[hexaemeron]

OP, I think this says a whole lot more about you then it does about her. You might want to think about that.

[Glowguy]

Actually, I've known plenty of people from prestigious public schools such as Marlborough, Eton etc - and from Oxford and Cambridge - who have piercings, tattoos and use drugs recreationally. 'Twas ever thus. For them, it was part of breaking away from the kind of background you describe and discovering their own identity (which isn't to say they didn't regret the tattoos later on!)

 

Me too. Tattoos are incredibly common place nowadays and they have been for awhile. I can't imagine anyone being ostracized for one tattoo unless it was blatantly offensive or racist. The reasoning sounds pretty suspect to me. I think your circle of friends is pretty judgmental and shallow.

[DN]

For those who are not familiar with the social scene in rural England among the 'county set', let me attempt to give a parallel particularly for those living in the US - imagine an Ivy League East Coast patrician "Brahmin' family and their reaction if a young member of the family were to bring home a 'redneck' partner who drove a pick-up truck with deer antlers on the hood, a shotgun in a rack behind the seats and who wore denim overalls, 'wife-beater' shirts and worn-out cowboy boots with no socks.

 

Would they be shallow if they looked askance? Because the effect is much the same and it is not so easy to overcome.

[hrtlsngl7]

The last woman that did the same EXACT thing to me, put me $30k in extra debt AND I had to get rid of her 3yrs later mostly due to financial reasons and lying. THIS IS NOT ADVICE, this is anecdote.

[greywolf]

It would bother me too, but only because I don't like feeling like someone deliberately kept something from me.

[gingerlemon]

I think how the family and social circle react is a little bit beside the point. Regardless of how we may feel about tattoos in particular, is this woman supposed to base her decisions on how her bf's friends or family might react? My family had huge issues with my now husband when we first got together due to his background, but I can't instruct him to be a particular kind of person to suit my family and social circle. If that is the case, then it's really an issue of incompatibility and then one has to consider seriously if the relationship is sustainable.

[Seraphim]

For those who are not familiar with the social scene in rural England among the 'county set', let me attempt to give a parallel particularly for those living in the US - imagine an Ivy League East Coast patrician "Brahmin' family and their reaction if a young member of the family were to bring home a 'redneck' partner who drove a pick-up truck with deer antlers on the hood, a shotgun in a rack behind the seats and who wore denim overalls, 'wife-beater' shirts and worn-out cowboy boots with no socks.

 

Would they be shallow if they looked askance? Because the effect is much the same and it is not so easy to overcome.

 

Actually even in the US or anywhere I would have said they were just as shallow. Looking down on people because they do not have the same money as you in pretty shallow no matter where you are. Actually my in-laws left the UK and had their kids here so they would not be judged by a "class setting".

[InkkedBree]

I agree with Victoria. I'm grateful for my family's reaction to anybody of theirs dating anybody else. "It's what makes you happy" is their mindset, and we do/did have some odd pairings, or pairings that aren't accepted by society's norms. It's not the appearances, class status, sexual orientation, or anything about the person, it's about the person and how that person feels about the other person, how the other person really is and how that other person affects the person. That's what a relationship should be, stripping away all the superficial coating we all have and get down to the core of who we are.