Girlfriend got a tattoo without saying anything

[DN]

It may well be an issue of incompatibility but acceptance of a spouse or partner by family and friends is important to many people. Isn't judging them harshly for that somewhat shallow too?

 

Some people find tattoos unacceptable, for others it's facial piercings or extreme hairstyles. I have heard people who have what they think is a discreet tattoo pour scorn on people with a full 'sleeve' or most of their face and neck tattooed.

 

A lot of companies won't hire people with visible tattoos - are they shallow too? Would someone standing for election as, say, president or prime minister likely be elected with tattoos visible when campaigning? If they would not - does that mean the electorate are shallow?

[Oneironaut]

It would bother me too, but only because I don't like feeling like someone deliberately kept something from me.

 

I agree with this. I dislike tattoos, also, and if my boyfriend went out and got one without discussing it with me first, I'd be pretty upset.

 

It's not that I think I have the right to tell him what to do with his own body, but a relationship is supposed to be teamwork...a compromise could have been reached, she may have been able to talk him into it, maybe he could have talked her out of it, who knows? The point is that none of that was possible when she went ahead and did it, anyhow.

 

One of the biggest relationship killers is lack of communication. She could have at least communicated to him that she was going to have it done, but she chose not to. I would be concerned about that, especially.

[gingerlemon]

acceptance of a spouse or partner by family and friends is important to many people.

 

Exactly, I think this is very important to most people, and I think that's exactly why this couple is not very compatible. Whether the judgements made are 'shallow' is besides the point in that sense. The crux of the issue is that his family will now not accept her, whether we think that's shallow or not, and based on some of the things the OP has said, I'm not sure he fully accepted her, either (based on post #30). That's the real red flag here, from my perspective, of which the tattoo discussion is just a symptom.

[Seraphim]

Oh I agree they are not compatible, but his family and friends are still shallow.

[DN]

Then anyone who rejects anyone for lifestyle choices that are not unethical, immoral or illegal is also shallow.

[DN]

Victoria, would you be OK if one day in the future your son brought home a girl who dressed like this all the time and said he wanted to marry her:

[gingerlemon]

I think the shallowness (is that a word??) goes both ways in these cases, and I think it comes back to what we identify with and how we build 'images' of ourselves and others. I generally think it's shallow to judge other people primarily/only based on their appearances, but I also think it's shallow if you invest a lot of your 'self' in external identity markers. My problems with tattoos is not the aesthetics of it, but the role it sometimes plays as something that you invest your identity in externally because you are (this is not always the case, but often) covering up for something missing on the inside (to put it a bit crudely). We ALL use these identity markers to some extent, but there is a continuum in terms of the roles we give them in our lives and the ways we let them define ourselves.

[Glowguy]

Victoria, would you be OK if one day in the future your son brought home a girl who dressed like this all the time and said he wanted to marry her

 

Haha, thanks for my morning laugh. I especially like the mask. I think that's a little more extreme than one tattoo.

[wlfmn]

Ultimately, she has the right to make whatever lifestyle choices she wants. But I think her just going ahead and doing it without talking to you about it (especially since she knew you don't like tattoos) shows some disrespect on her part.

 

To me it seems like you're a little too concerned about her class and how others will perceive her. I don't think that should matter. Do you find tattoos to be unattractive? Or is your dislike of them solely based on how it will make her look to others?

 

Where is the tattoo anyways? What is it of?

[Seraphim]

Victoria, would you be OK if one day in the future your son brought home a girl who dressed like this all the time and said he wanted to marry her

 

If she was a good person, then what is the issue?

[Seraphim]

Then anyone who rejects anyone for lifestyle choices that are not unethical, immoral or illegal is also shallow.

 

I would hardly equate immorality and illegal as the same as a tattoo, DN, sorry but those are oranges and apples there.

[agent1607307371]

I wonder how the OP's family and friends reacted to the tattoo. I mean, this wasn't a stranger with tats they were introduced to, this is someone they know already who got a tattoo, surely their existing relationship with her would inform the judgements they'd make.

[Glowguy]

If she was a good person, then what is the issue?

 

Yup, I agree with this. The wardrobe may be a little crazy, but in the end if she is a good person and they treat each other well, then I would have no problem with it.

[zakky]

Wow this thread is really turning into Tattoo-Gate.

[chitown9]

I think that it is interesting that drugs and tattoos are all lumped together here as one.

[DN]

I would hardly equate immorality and illegal as the same as a tattoo, DN, sorry but those are oranges and apples there.

I think you misread what I wrote.

[DN]

The point I am trying to make is that most people have some sort of dealbreakers even if they are things other than that which is illegal, immoral or unethical. They may not be dealbreakers for most but they are for those who find whatever it is unacceptable. If you have any sort of dealbreaker of your own then you are not in a position to judge anyone else who does - because if they are shallow, so are you.

[Glowguy]

The point I am trying to make is that most people have some sort of dealbreakers even if they are things other than that which is illegal, immoral or unethical. They may not be dealbreakers for most but they are for those who find whatever it is unacceptable. If you have any sort of dealbreaker of your own then you are not in a position to judge anyone else who does - because if they are shallow, so are you.

 

I don't agree with that at all actually. I think it can be healthy to have dealbreakers that are not illegal, unethical, or immoral (like not wanting to have kids). That's just a personal preference. That concept is entirely separate from being shallow. Being shallow in my mind is judging someone over something very trivial that is really not a reflection of their character, and I think dismissing someone because of a tattoo falls in that category.

[DN]

Perhaps you have a different definition of dealbreakers, to me it means something that means a relationship will not work for one of the people involved. You are perfectly entitled to think a tattoo should not be one for you but I don't see where you get to decide it shouldn't be for anyone else. Is that not their decision to make? - after all, no one is trying to make you refuse to date anyone with a tattoo.

[Glowguy]

No that's my definition of a dealbreaker too. IMO, it's perfectly reasonable (and not shallow at all) to not date someone who wants kids because you don't want them yourself. However if you extend that to a tattoo then I think it's ridiculous and shallow (maybe even prejudicial). Not all deal breakers are created equal. What if someone told you they wouldn't date anyone who was color blind or had a birthmark? To each their own and it's not my relationship, but I think it's irrational and borderline crazy.

[DN]

OK, fair enough, but I see that as being very culturally narrow-minded of you.

[Glowguy]

So you are telling me that if your gf broke up with you because she discovered a birthmark on your body and that was a dealbreaker for her versus breaking up with you over not wanting to have kids that you wouldn't find one more reasonable than the other?? Because if so then I don't believe you. A birthmark does not affect your ability to function in a relationship in any meaningful way.

[Glowguy]

OK, fair enough, but I see that as being very culturally narrow-minded of you.

 

And I can easily argue the same about that stuck up English family.

[DN]

Sure you can. But are they saying "Glowguy should not accept as his son's partner a girl with tattoos because that's how we feel about them"? Or do they allow you to think what you like about people with tattoos?

[DN]

So you are telling me that if your gf broke up with you because she discovered a birthmark on your body and that was a dealbreaker for her versus breaking up with you over not wanting to have kids that you wouldn't find one more reasonable than the other?? Because if so then I don't believe you. A birthmark does not affect your ability to function in a relationship in any meaningful way.

I don't care who or what you believe. It doesn't matter what you find reasonable or what I find reasonable. I have my own standards but I don't try to impose them on other people nor do I criticise them for theirs. You seem to think everyone should agree with you.