Would you marry someone who proposed with no ring?

[Batya33]

I don't agree with the three month's salary thing - I think that's a marketing ploy more than anything. The best is if there is a family ring of some kind that if needed can be redesigned/reset if the woman doesn't like the style. I do think it's important that the woman like the style but I don't really relate to "my style =three carats and nothing less".

[Fudgie]

It would be cool if a guy proposed to me without a ring and later, we could go shopping together for matching wedding bands (no rock on mine) for the marriage. It would be ideal that way so we could BOTH decide on something that we both liked and would be happy to wear.

[truegrit]

What Fudgie said is exactly how I have done in the past. No engagement ring so many more important things (in my thinking) to spend that money on. Then we have just gone shopping and bought matching bands. I have never once thought about not getting an engagement ring. But everyone is different I suppose if it means something to the woman to have one then it needs to be addressed.

My late husband wore his band until his death and never removed it, it was sure getting a little thin after 25 years. My present husband has been good about never taking his off after 6 years.

[FathomFear]

I would get upset too...I agree, it's his laziness and perhaps not caring enough about you.

 

I think a guy taking his time to buy a nice ring for his girl and not just ring, choosing gifts carefully on birthdays etc really says something about him. I always used to buy little things for my exes and took so much joy in making them happy. Yet for them it seemed like too much work to get me something to make ME happy.

 

If nothing else, this is nothing more than a clear sign that we've allowed ourselves to interweave consumerism into our ideas of love and happiness. That's scary. I mean, even the whole "Three month salary" rule was something devised by diamond manufacturers, specifically De Beers, almost 100 years ago. It's just more consumerism/marketing interfering with how we understand each other.

[Sparkly Eyes]

If nothing else, this is nothing more than a clear sign that we've allowed ourselves to interweave consumerism into our ideas of love and happiness. That's scary. I mean, even the whole "Three month salary" rule was something devised by diamond manufacturers, specifically De Beers, almost 100 years ago. It's just more consumerism/marketing interfering with how we understand each other.

 

I don't think you understand what I mean. It's not the amount of money that matters, but the gesture. I didn't even know there is a "3 month salary" rule. When I say a nice ring, I don't mean an expensive ring, just something that he has put some thoughts into. That is very valuable to me...like every other thoughtful gift that I might get. It's not about the material but the fact that he cared enough to put his time and effort into it, that shows me he loves me.

 

My ex used to take me out often (as I did for him), but I preferred him cooking for me as I knew cooking and having a romantic dinner at home was sometimes more of an effort for him than taking me out and spending money that way.

 

As for the original question, I have many criteria for marriage. If someone meets all of them, him proposing with or without a ring won't really affect my decision.

[Timbertea]

I think 3 months salary is a little excessive for an engagement ring. Maybe if you are going to be engaged for years for a wedding far off ... while it maybe should hurt a bit, its not something to get insane over. For a wedding ring, considering it IS the reminder you look at every day I don't think three months salary is necessarily excessive, and I don't think its a good place to skimp. You remember the rings, and the photos, and if you had one of those excessive 30-40K weddings you remember the stress of planning it, and maybe paying it off if you did it on credit (God have mercy upon you!), but for a day that is supposed to be about the two of you -- the rest of the stuff is show for friends, and family -- more for them. What is the stuff for you? The rings, and the photos.

 

I do think a part of the point is that you are demonstrating a willingness to make a sacrifice on your behalf to show intent. Its just the first of a great many sacrifices though. What do I know though? I think Easter weekend beat all of the remaining romance out of me.

[secretness87]

If my current boyfriend proposed to me without a ring, of course I would still accept. I love him too much to say no anyways. In a way I kinda think its better because then we would both get to go ring shopping together

[Alezia]

rocio - I don't see what's so wrong about feeling insulted. If someone kept telling me I deserved so and so and kept dangling the idea in front of me. I'd be pretty pissed off if they never made an effort to give it to me after 5 years. As a matter of fact, I think if it was my boss dangling a promotion infont of me and who kept telling me I deserved it but never went through the motions to promote me, I'd probably quit!

[Firiel]

But to be honest I also don't see why is it so important that it is a one-sided expense. I know you can say that's because I'll never have to foot that expense, but I fully expect that there will be many times in our marriage when I will be footing the bill, when I will do something for my husband simply because it is important to him.

 

Of all the inequalities that arise in marriages I think this is the tip of the iceberg I guess.

 

I agree with this. I did, in fact, get my husband an engagement present (a little electric guitar... it was a really basic one, but I was working six hours a week at a job while going to school). But once I paid for half of a PS3 for his anniversary present and he spent $20 on something (that I had asked for... I wasn't disappointed). Or for his birthday, I spent hours making him light-up shoes to wear. For my birthday, he stopped by a bookstore and picked me up something on the spur of the moment. But then, for Valentine's Day, he bought me a book I'd been dying to read and all I got him was a gift certificate to the game store. And that's not even getting into the fact that I sacrificed my relationship with my family for him, or that he has to sacrifice a year after he graduates so I can finish up grad school or whatever. We all make sacrifices the other person doesn't have to make... that's why they're sacrifices. While I agree that if a ring is desired, frugality and common sense are important and while I do believe it's a really nice idea for a girl to get her guy something in the way of an engagement present, claiming engagement rings as a major inequality to marriage kind of downplays things that really do end up being inequalities/sacrifices...

[Oneironaut]

Well, just going to jump in here and add to the chorus who say yes, they would, because they'd prefer to go shopping for the ring together. To me, the proposal itself is what would be important.

[Alezia]

I would probably still accept, but honestly, I would probably question why he hasn't. I'd be pretty wary that he wasn't serious enough to go through with a formal proposal, so that he wouldn't go through with a wedding. I've a friend who's bf proposed on spur of the moment several times - how odd to get engaged more than once! Then again, one of these times he threatened to punch her if she said no - so it's not like he's normal by any means.

 

But honestly, if he had some kind of date or something concrete in mind, that'd be fair enough.

 

I don't see why there is so much arguments on sacrifice and inequality. You don't get anything in life without making sacrifices - granted you have to be personally willing to make them. We still like to take traditional gender roles. He will do all the driving when we are going somewhere together (he won`t go out of his way to drive me or anything), and he will always sign the credit card bill for restaurants or movies or what not (we have joint finances, so it's not like he's actually paying.) I never really thought I was taking advantage of him and if he asked me to sign or drive him, then I would.

[DN]

No, he does care. He brings me roses on a regular basis and bought me a nice car. He's just frugal and practical, but then I am too. It's one of the things we like about each other.

Seems to me that buying you a car was a generous gesture that probably involved a degree of sacrifice.

[DN]

It's when the 'sacrifice' is not only demanded by the other party but unreciprocated that the inequality thing creeps in.

[Fudgie]

I always saw e-rings as a bit of unreciprocated inequality. Seriously, what does the guy get out of it?

 

It doesn't really matter if it's just "tradition". it's something I won't do because I see it as unequal. Do I enjoy it when guys pay for my dates and hold doors open for me? You bet I do! But I always like to reciprocate back. You can't do that with an e-ring...unless you bought him a car or something.

 

I honestly think the majority of men do it because it's drilled into their heads to do it. These days, you almost can't NOT do an engagement ring.

 

If a guy bought me an expensive e-ring, then I'd like to reciprocate by taking him on a vacay or something, my treat.

[Alezia]

Unless you get a 100K engagement ring, the price of a ring is a peanut when considered over the entire duration of your marriage. Per example, I make 10K a year more than him - that's an engagement ring many times over again!

[DN]

Unless you get a 100K engagement ring, the price of a ring is a peanut when considered over the entire duration of your marriage. Per example, I make 10K a year more than him - that's an engagement ring many times over again!

Then perhaps you should buy one for him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Then perhaps you should buy one for him.

 

What she means is that in marriage, her money will be his money...I think if everything is supposed to be exactly equal, she better keep than extra 10 grands for herself rather than for the whole family.

[astromantic]

I would wonder though if there are social pressures that are just uncomfortable to deal with? Lemme digress for a bit

 

If I really think about it, when my fiance asked me to marry him, he hadn't pulled out the ring yet. He got down on his knees held my hand and asked first. The act itself made me cry. After I said yes, he pulled out the box from his pocket and began to pull it out of its case to slip onto my finger. So in that case, if he had not pulled the ring box out, I had basically said yes before seeing if there was any engagement ring at all!

 

However afterwards I think I might dread announcing it to people. I have very outspoken aunts and cousins who would most likely make me feel as if I got jipped. I can only imagine the reaction of my mother if she asks if there was a ring and I said there isn't one. I don't think my mother expects me to get a big one, but at least for the symbolism I think she would want to ensure her daughter at least has a ring. Now I'm chinese so saving face is pretty big so maybe that's why. My parents are already unhappy with me contributing to my own wedding financially (they believe the expense should be shouldered by the groom and his family, traditionally that is the way). Of course there are girlfriends. I have a few friends who are quite outspoken about having diamond rings and sometimes there's ring envy! But you know, I didn't get a ring that was of my preferred design (I was asked and said I like something more ornate, I received a solitaire) and after wearing it for awhile I quite like it. It serves its purpose to show that I am engaged but most of all, my fiance popped the question! Ultimately, I think social pressure would make me cave and ask for a ring later

[DN]

Suppose he had said that he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you but didn't believe in engagement rings - would you still have married him?

[rocio]

Suppose he had said that he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you but didn't believe in engagement rings - would you still have married him?

 

I think this would be fine. As long as he has the courage to be honest and manage expectations early on, that's completely respectable.

[Alezia]

Then perhaps you should buy one for him.

 

I did offer and he told me he did not want one.

Things will never be equal between us, and I am fine with that. We both want different things and value things differently.

Even among people the same gender, things are never equal. Things such as education, family background, beauty etc... definetly plays a part on this whether you are willing to accept it or not.

 

 

Then again, it's all very pointless now...

[astromantic]

Suppose he had said that he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you but didn't believe in engagement rings - would you still have married him?

 

I would think in the moment of elation, when asked, I don't think the thought would run through my head to stop me from saying yes. Its the aftermath I'm concerned about. Would I hold resentment after everyone else pass judgement? I like to think I know myself pretty well. I think at first I might hold resentment and then eventually it'll settle down if and only IF our marriage turns out to be a happy and healthy one. I think it would go away and I'll be able to ignore the judgement but not without a struggle first. That's why I had put down a sad face when I realize social pressure and judgement from others do make me feel uncomfortable and its probably because I'm still young (27). Although I did have a recent revelation that no matter how much I try to compete, everyone's life will turn out differently and its sort of fruitless to try to keep up with the Jones.

[sherryberrypie]

I'm going to get burned for this, but if I were proposed to without a ring after howevermany years of being a loyal and loving girlfriend, being a major support system in the guy's life and sacrificing in so many ways, I would say no. Of course, this means that the guy would tell me that there would never be a ring. It's important to me to have that symbol. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive. It could be a silver band or whatever, as long as it was picked out with love. Any guy who would not acknowledge that I need that tradition wouldn't be the right guy for me to marry. I get people asking me "where the ring is" often enough already. I wouldn't want to deal with that while engaged. No thanks. Societal pressure, for sure. I almost dated this one guy who made me a ring out of hershey kisses wrappers. I loved that thing.

 

A lot of the responses are borderline. Responders say that they would say yes, but then quickly move on to how they'd be happy to pick out a ring themselves, or that they would ask for a ring later on.

[_Asti_]

A lot of the responses are borderline. Responders say that they would say yes, but then quickly move on to how they'd be happy to pick out a ring themselves, or that they would ask for a ring later on.

 

Exactly, but there would eventually be a ring.

 

How about wording it like "Would you be happy to get engaged and remain engaged without a ring?" Because I think saying yes to a proposal that had no ring, but then going out and buying one together...really is getting a proposal with a ring.

[SayWhen]

I actually wouldn't have been opposed to buying my own ring had I not already chosen the family ring for my engagement. I never expected or wanted my husband to buy me an engagement ring, especially since I knew I wouldn't wear it after marrying him. It was still important to me to wear a ring of some sort because I wanted to have that symbol of commitment. That could be accomplished with any ring really...which is why it confounds me when individuals drop many thousands of dollars on an engagement ring, but as they say, to each their own.