Would you marry someone who proposed with no ring?

[DN]

All this is fine and understandable, especially the part in bold. I get it.

 

But how do you demonstrate those same qualities to him? How do you show that you took the time to think it through on wanting to marry him, to plan and taking steps towards a future together and not only mentally wanting to marry him, but physically and tangibly as well and that something unspontaneous and well thought out, and planned. That you are coming into the situation full-on, an investment into him, and your future together.

 

All the expectations and wants that you have are all put on him - he has to be the one to make these demonstrations. So where does your contribution to this come in?

[Sparkly Eyes]

All this is fine and understandable, especially the part in bold. I get it.

 

But how do you demonstrate those same qualities to him? How do you show that you took the time to think it through on wanting to marry him, to plan and taking steps towards a future together and not only mentally wanting to marry him, but physically and tangibly as well and that something unspontaneous and well thought out, and planned. That you are coming into the situation full-on, an investment into him, and your future together.

 

All the expectations and wants that you have are all put on him - he has to be the one to make these demonstrations. So where does your contribution to this come in?

 

lol, don't worry. Usually after a proposal, women take charge for everything and plan the wedding and the rest out. You always act as if women take advantage of men with whatever expectation they have, while in reality, women go through more troubles for the whole process than men.

[tattoobunnie]

By saying yes. Just like that.

 

If you really knew me or him, it'd make perfect sense. And if you know what I've done for him and his mom already, that'll also make perfect sense.

 

So what it all comes down to...is what the couple is like. Some people don't like jewelry, some people like big weddings. Oddly, I'd rather just go down to city hall, have some family there, then go to a restaurant.

 

There's no cookie-cutter relationship, or how a marriage should be like. And DN, you and I are not in a relationship together, so you and I do not have to justify our different needs and wants with each other. You want what you want. I want what I want.

[DN]

Just by saying 'yes'? And by actions after the engagement?

 

Wow!

 

Is that it?

 

Let's not just think about what one person might do - this is a thread for all to look at.

[DN]

lol, don't worry. Usually after a proposal, women take charge for everything and plan the wedding and the rest out. You always act as if women take advantage of men with whatever expectation they have, while in reality, women go through more troubles for the whole process than men.

Really - so all that trouble that women go through to plan the wedding is just for the benefit of their husbands?

[OptomisticGirl]

^ as a bride planning her wedding, I don't see me planning the wedding on the sane scale as him getting me a ring. Just because I plan it doesn't mean he shouldn't get something material as well.

[tattoobunnie]

DN...I'm not sure why other couples can't have any other way of doing things without you mocking all of us.

 

The OP asked what all of us would do, and just because our responses do not match what you did or believe in, you are a Moderator and I'd appreciate it if you didn't devalue us.

 

You're probably going to penalize me now, because I don't cut expenses, actions right down the center between a couple. BTW, I make twice as much my guy, and I pay for almost all of our things. It's weird that you're trying to ridicule me for hoping that he'll have a ring when he proposes.

 

I don't know if it's because you feel guilty or it's hitting a nerve because of something within you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Really - so all that trouble that women go through to plan the wedding is just for the benefit of their husbands?

 

For both of them, of course, but still it's the woman who does the most work usually. Asking a woman to marry you and getting her a ring is just for the benefit of the woman?!! Really?! Maybe you did it because you felt like you had to and now feel resentment but you'd be surprised how many men don't think like you.

[DN]

I'm not mocking anyone or devaluing anyone. I am saying that what is important to one partner to demonstrate something should be as important the other way. That is what equality is about - not dividing things so that the dollar amount is the same but it seems unequal to me that one person is required to demonstrate their love and commitment by buying a ring while the other demonstrates it by simply accepting it.

 

If I give someone a gift that is for their own use then I have, hopefully, demonstrated that I care about them. But If I give something that is equally shared by me and the other person, theat is not an equal contribution - forget the amount, it is the thought that matters here.

 

Do I feel guilty? No. When I got married thirty-five years ago, things were very different and I bought the ring and we did the traditional things. But times have changed massively, and the movement for equality, as necessary as it was, means that other things have to change as well or you still end up with inequality - just in a different way.

[DN]

For both of them, of course, but still it's the woman who does the most work usually. Asking a woman to marry you and getting her a ring is just for the benefit of the woman?!! Really?! Maybe you did it because you felt like you had to and now feel resentment but you'd be surprised how many men don't think like you.

The ring is kept and worn only by the woman - that symbol that seems so important is a one way symbol.

 

Read this thread and see if you still think that all the planning that goes on for a wedding is for both equally - and planned equally by both. Certainly men get more say than they used to but -- well, just read it and see what you think afterwards.

 

It's a great thread and the people posting in it are obviously having a great time - and there is nothing wrong with that.

[tattoobunnie]

Saying "yes" to marry someone not simple.

[DN]

Saying "yes" to marry someone not simple.

Well, neither is proposing. But one is proactive and the other is passive. This is why I encourage women to also propose it they want to get married.

[tattoobunnie]

I think it's good for the couple to talk about it before anyone proposes. Not just cuz one party wants to.

 

Getting to the point of wanting to say "yes", it's a lot of work one does before-hand emotionally, even physically. I don't know if you view my statements thinking I just kinda sit around and look all pretty waiting for a "prince-charming". Don't get me wrong, some women do, and some men wait around looking for their "second mom", looking to do all their chores and raise the kids.

 

Some people don't take marriage as seriously as others, and then get blown-away when they realize all the work it takes to make it work. I think because I do actually come from wealth, the men I encounter view giving a ring as a standard. But this does not mean I think I'm better, or know better. It a practice and tradition I appreciate and respect. It makes sense to me. And that's cool if that does not work for others.

 

I also don't really see how women's rights or equality is a factor here. I guess I don't see jewelry as entrapment, or a way to keep women down. It is after all an investment that one hopes to pass on to the next generation. Same with a watch a woman might give to her hubby one day. I've seen rings and watches passed down plenty of times, and I think it's really sweet and awesome.

[DN]

I think the watch idea is great, particularly if it is engraved with some some meaningful message.

 

My daughters have engagement rings and other jewelry passed down from my mother, grandmothers and my aunt. I think there were about twenty items in all. I have my father's watch and wedding ring. Although the watch was not given as an engagement or wedding gift it was given to him by my mother in later years and is meaningful to me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

The ring is kept and worn only by the woman - that symbol that seems so important is a one way symbol.

 

Read this thread and see if you still think that all the planning that goes on for a wedding is for both equally - and planned equally by both. Certainly men get more say than they used to but -- well, just read it and see what you think afterwards.

 

It's a great thread and the people posting in it are obviously having a great time - and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Well, in my culture it isn't. Both the man and the woman get a ring. But really, if I wanted to marry someone, buying a ring or anything with the same value for me wouldn't be a big deal at all. I sure wouldn't apply the 3 month salary rule thing, cause that is absolutely stupid (nor do I expect it from a man). But I wouldn't dwell on spending money on someone who I plan to spend the rest of my life with either! It's not like wanting to marry someone is an everyday occurrence for people.

 

That's a huge thread. My experience is that a lot of men don't want to be involved in planning as much either. My brother didn't want a wedding, but he was more than happy with the end result, saying he wants to have anniversaries like his wedding!

 

I guess I just think marriage is a huge deal and involves lots of commitments, if having to buy a ring is that big of a deal for a guy who wants to marry me, I would wonder if he is really the type of person I would want to go through the ups and downs of life with.

[Seraphim]

OMG this thread has turned into a monster about who has more equality and who should have more equality and let's keep score about who has what.

[DN]

I guess I just think marriage is a huge deal and involves lots of commitments, if having to buy a ring is that big of a deal for a guy who wants to marry me, I would wonder if he is really the type of person I would want to go through the ups and downs of life with.

I understand that - but what I don't understand is why it doesn't apply in the other direction in these days and why it is still that only the man is supposed to purchase these symbols of love and commtiment.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I understand that - but what I don't understand is why it doesn't apply in the other direction in these days and why it is still that only the man is supposed to purchase these symbols of love and commtiment.

 

That's not exactly true. The only symbol I can think of that a man is supposed to buy is a ring. But during a relationship, men and women both care to buy each other great gifts or other little things that show their love and commitment. I bought more random gifts for my exes that they did for me. I wasn't worried much about equality but for the fact that I thought they didn't care about me enough to put some time and effort into it.

[OptomisticGirl]

L has an engagmeby ring - of sorts, lol. But as far as wedding planning itself it has been my experience men aren't that into. L really doesn't care but if he wants something he will let me kn9w and I stick in there.

[Firiel]

I understand that - but what I don't understand is why it doesn't apply in the other direction in these days and why it is still that only the man is supposed to purchase these symbols of love and commtiment.

 

As far as I know, it's typical for both men and women to wear rings, at least after the wedding. I know my husband mentioned that he might not want to wear him because he wasn't used to rings, and I was a little hurt that he was thinking of not wearing one. I wanted to get him a physical symbol of our marriage, and I was really glad when he decided that he wanted to go ahead and wear one. Also, the wedding planning is really half for the bride, half for the groom, I think. He wanted to spend a nice time with family and friends celebrating us. And I spent an awful lot of time tying ribbons on little bucket that he thought were really cool... but he "couldn't tie them" because of his "giant fingers."

 

I dunno... it just seems like a big deal over something that is, in the long run, just a drop in the financial bucket. Is it that big of a deal if that one particular financial sacrifice was a little smaller on my part? Should I start keeping track of when I spend more on something than he does so I know when we're equal again? I helped him lose a bunch of weight after we got married... plus, it was an expensive program we used. How does that affect my "debt"?

 

It seems a little too tat-for-tat (yes, I know what the phrase really is, but it's censored) to me. I'm happy, and he's happy. We both feel like the other person is, in general, meeting our needs. Isn't that what's important?

[Seraphim]

Yes, THAT is what is important. If people are happy. Not who got what,who spent what, and who is more equal than who.

[Batya33]

lol, don't worry. Usually after a proposal, women take charge for everything and plan the wedding and the rest out. You always act as if women take advantage of men with whatever expectation they have, while in reality, women go through more troubles for the whole process than men.

 

There's a difference between planning the wedding and planning the wedding reception - only the former is necessary to get married (the ceremony) -the latter is just the party to celebrate the wedding and if both people want one both people should plan it. Usually the women who take it upon themselves to plan the whole party do so because they want things a certain way, not because their husbands aren't willing to give input. If the couple both wanted to have the party then both should plan it. I don't understand why people lump together the wedding and the party as if both are necessary to get married.

[DN]

It's ironic how when these issues come up it is usually the person who doesn't have to pay who thinks that the amount is of little or no importance.

[truegrit]

I totally agree DN also if he is so willing to pay I would much rather he took the money and spent it on a honeymoon or to save for a down payment on a house or something practical. I guess I am just too realistic to think an engagement ring is of any importance, but that's just me I know others think of it differently.

[DN]

Well, just to be clear - I don't say that there should not be an engagement ring. If that is what people want then that is their choice. But I do wonder why it is something that only one partner expects or is expected to do and why it is that one the one hand it is supposed to be a financial sacrifice and on the other it isn't really a sacrifice anyway and if it is a sacrifice it is made up for by a woman saying 'yes' and then making all the onerous plans for the wedding only for the benefit of her husband.