I think after 9 weeks and 4 days I have an opportunity to reconcile =]

[Jondwnr]

I think she finally realize he is no good!!!

 

So after the time mentioned in the title and 18 days NC I gave her a call at midnight on the dot and call my ex up to say happy birthday(I thought she might like that and enjoy that). So she answers crying and says "why are you calling" and I told her why and then 2 hours and 6 minutes later I get off he phone and she was in a great mood and laughing and joking.

 

So in the phone call I ask her why she is crying since it was her bday and she said it was her bf, he is drunk and has two 15 year old girls in the house drinking with his friends. Then after that I hear him come in and swear at her(she says he does it everyday and he has changed from when they last were friends) i get frustrated and tell her she doesn't deserve that yada yada yada... So we end up discussing how he isn't good for her and how she jumped into the relationship to fast(I basically explained to her why someone would jump into a rebound relationship) and she agreed she had no time to heal and that she still love me and him. But she going on a break with him today(they planned this last week) and this will think about leaving him for good.

 

I said how about you meet me later on(meaning after we go to sleep and she's out of work) she said yes and we are going to talk about everything. I also told her she needs a vacation and I have extra money so we should go next weekend on a mini getaway from normal life and she said yes she would love that.

 

So I'm pretty Damn excited and I'm not officially out of trouble yet, but i feel the confidence I hope i succeed!!

 

Also I told her to text me in the morning and she said yes!!

 

I'm going to take things very slow and I get to know her all over again and take it day by day.

[dramallama]

Ok, has she broken up with her boyfriend yet completely? Don't you think that should be HER next step before meeting up with you?

[DylanNotorious]

Dude YOU are the one that will end up being THE REBOUND GUY if you continue to chase her.

[MakeItCount]

Hey DL, Dylan. Watch out, people might think we're the same person

 

Fully agree. You are doing the exact opposite of what you should be. Offering to take her on vacation, meeting up with her, etc. Tread carefully man. If anything, meet up with her, apologize for cheating again, and give her some space to figure this out on her own.

[learning2relax]

Careful, careful, careful. While it seems all well and good that she is agreeable to your offers, you are setting yourself up for potential disappointment. How will you feel if you take her away, you have a great time and she ends up with the bad boy? I think you would feel worse.

[lavenderdove]

Don't celebrate yet... Many woman LOVE bad boys, and they love the excitement of the chase and the make up/break up cycle with them. So you caught her on a bad day, but after you've taken her away on a nice weekend and she's cried on your shoulder about this guy, she could well just take off after him again.

 

If she is crying over him, she is not emotionally available to you because she is still enmeshed with him. Don't get sucked into being her backup plan and shoulder to cry on. She needs to break up with him, without you rushing in to 'rescue' her because she might well blame you for interfering with her relationship if she decides she wants him back again.

 

Make her prove to you that she is over him and you're not just a shoulder to cry on. Don't let her use you for that. That is not about rekindling your own relationship with her, that is about you being a port in the storm, and she may well bolt again once this emotional storm is over with.

[Jondwnr]

I've thought about most of this already I was super excited after the phone call lol

I have to tone them down or might chase her away.

In regards to her blaming me for the breakup with him, I don't belleve she would do that, cause I'm not the only one telling her his, but then again stranger things have happened

 

I was just kind of putting feelers our with the whole weekend trip thing and i got the response I wanted.

Like I said she is taking a break and she is moving back with her parents she said she needs to work on herself I'm on going to let her do this. I am going to bring up either today or next meeting the whole "dump your boyfriend"

And she already knows what she has to do, I think she is just scarred of doing it.

 

We will see what happens and I will reply back with the results of this I hope everything goes smoothly. Thanks for the support guys

[iBroken]

So she is with another guy and you offered to pay for her to go on vacation.

 

She "might" break up with him to rebound back to you.

 

Sorry, I fail to see why you are excited about being second best?

[Jondwnr]

I'm not going on vacation with her it was just an idea(feelers) and she is on an indefinite break from him right now, I'm not going to be her rebound, i actually was telling her that I don't know if we could ever get back together(testing what she thought about me) and it was a positive thing. She wants to work on herself and I'm not finish with getting over her but I've made leaps and bounds. We will see how this meeting goes with her...I promise y'all I won't do anything dumb or reckless. I'm gonna go in with no expectations and just take her out to a birthday dinner(wanted lunch but she doesn't get off work till 5:30)

[endy]

I'm not going on vacation with her it was just an idea(feelers) and she is on an indefinite break from him right now, I'm not going to be her rebound, i actually was telling her that I don't know if we could ever get back together(testing what she thought about me) and it was a positive thing. She wants to work on herself and I'm not finish with getting over her but I've made leaps and bounds. We will see how this meeting goes with her...I promise y'all I won't do anything dumb or reckless. I'm gonna go in with no expectations and just take her out to a birthday dinner(wanted lunch but she doesn't get off work till 5:30)

 

Slow down, this is when reconciliation will not work. She is just out of a relationship, you aren't over her and she has no idea right now * * * she wants. She's running back to you because suffering that is familiar is easier than suffering alone. Leave her be, you can go out to dinner but she needs to work on herself first. This will take time. Usually reconciliation is not even worth it unless there is significant time and no contact apart from each other. Do not be a fool here. I know you think this is great, but is it really? She's jumping back and forth. This behavior needs to stop or it's most likely going to repeat itself again.

[Jondwnr]

I'm going out to dinner with her and at the end I'm going to tell she needs to be done with him for good and work on herself and if she wants to go back with him or me or anyone else it's going to fail because you haven't changed. I can't get carried away this this temporary happiness and relief I'm getting as well lol.

 

Also I'm going to tell her if she does ever want to get back with me she has to wait cause I'm not finished healing and it would be best for both of us to do this.

 

Thanks Endy.

[endy]

I'm going out to dinner with her and at the end I'm going to tell she needs to be done with him for good and work on herself and if she wants to go back with him or me or anyone else it's going to fail because you haven't changed. I can't get carried away this this temporary happiness and relief I'm getting as well lol.

 

Also I'm going to tell her if she does ever want to get back with me she has to wait cause I'm not finished healing and it would be best for both of us to do this.

 

Thanks Endy.

 

Do not go into detail like that bud. Be strong, you don't want her to know that you are broken because of it. Stay emotional free. Go read Drama's signature the links about non chalant by Real. That is how you want to be. You do not want someone broken back right now and that is what you are going to get. You need to realize that this person could still run to someone else if she doesn't have you. Everything, and I mean everything happens for a reason. If it is meant to be keep up your NC explain that you feel it's not time to talk about reconciliation yet because you haven't given it enough thought. Tell her you think it's a good idea for her to take a few months and work on herself and then you will be more than happy to talk to her. You are setting yourself up again to be hurt right now.

[Tired Tiger]

I'm going out to dinner with her and at the end I'm going to tell she needs to be done with him for good and work on herself and if she wants to go back with him or me or anyone else it's going to fail because you haven't changed.

 

Um... listen, man, not to randomly pick on you, but you really need to change the attitude about her needing to 'change'. True, she may need healing and perspective, but YOU are the one who cheated on her. You seem to conveniently ignore that fact, while defining her as the unstable and confused one. You'd be far better served conveying a message that you're working on change, rather than what you've suggested.

[endy]

Yeah, honestly I don't see this relationship working out with what's been done. Have you even figured out why you cheated on her? The mutual trust is gone, and you may be going back to her because you can't have her. The reason she ran from you is to find comfort in someone else. When damage like this is done it takes more than 9 weeks for the other person to heal. Good luck with all of this but both of you are most likely going to cause more pain.

 

I read this forum all the time and everyone says HELP! I want my ex back. The problem is they want them back for the wrong reasons. Usually because they "love" them or miss them. In this situation you have a small chance of reconciliation like in most, and even then the odds of it working are not very good. I understand why people want their ex back right away, but is this really the right decision for either of you?

[Jondwnr]

I know what i have to do, I know I "cheated" I can't change that. Im trying to work on myself it is actually going pretty well, im trying to work on my patience. I have patients with complete strangers, but when it comes to people close to me it's the oppisite and I think I'm doing well in this aspect. She told me last night and I agreed that she needs to change. The underlining fact is "we"'both need to work on our communications, she holds in her feelings and expects me to be a mind reader and then we never talk about it in the end usually. And I need to understand better how she communicates either with words or feelings etc. She also needs to learn to defend herself, she says she is always verbally abused by everyone yet she does nothing about it.

I also have to regain her trust in me for the aforementioned cheating, this will be the hardest and time and my future actions will be the key to her trusting me again.

[Jondwnr]

Hmm... I hear what your saying, but people cheat all the time and some of the times they work through it and end up having great lives together. I'm not trying to get her back for the wrong reasons, and inunderstand it will take more than 9 weeks. I'm willing to wait even longer, I don't try to reconcile today, but I do know that I may have a chance in the future.

Yes i have realized why I actually cheated, it was nothing she did it was the simple fact that I missed her too much(we only seen each other on weekends) and temptation crawling in.

 

I know the whole situation seems f**ked, but in reality there was something wonderful there. Sure I can't tell you if I didn't cheat we would of gotten married or not, but I can tell you that i will no longer cheat on another girl as long as i live that was totally out of character of me, I'm not "that guy" never been.

 

You guys on this forum dig too deep into the negatives and don't put enough into the positives in our relationships. We need to be more positive about ourselves and others and stop judging so much, because people or relationships aren't defined by one thing or action, but as a whole.

 

In order to love another one needs to love oneself. Well I love myself always have, sure I didn't feel that for about a month after a break up and that's natural. I also know my ex doesn't have that same love for herself therefore I know i need to give her time to heal and find her true self.

 

I'm a very oportunistic person I hate when people act so pessimistic and negative. I know I'm a good person generally everyone makes mistakes, so please don't doubt me if you put your mind to it you can do anything and I will try to prove it to you all.

[Tired Tiger]

I hear a lot of deflection.

 

There's a difference between being "pessimistic and negative" and seeing the forest for the trees. Again, you brush off the cheating as being mostly insignificant, while all along focusing on her rebound as being the primary issue. It would be easier to find optimism in your situation if there has been several months of introspect and responsibility on your part, but instead you've been continually focused on her actions (re: rebound). If you keep that perspective now that you've established dialog, you're headed for disaster. Good luck.

[endy]

I'm not trying to doubt you, ultimately we are all going to do what we do. This is YOUR decision not ours. I'm not trying to be negative either, I'm just stating the facts here. All I was saying are those "actions" as a whole if you look at them there were a lot of negatives at the end. It causes damage, and although you may both be willing to work on it there's going to be a lot to overcome. Everything happens for a reason, and ultimately we will all learn why. Obviously you are learning and growing as yourself and I would continue to do so. But you can say you are doing that, and not be. Actions speak louder than words. I don't know if you have ever been cheated on but it breaks trust. Some people are capable of trusting that person again, and some people aren't. The majority of people when it comes down to it aren't. As far as the cheating goes, there is no excuse for it. I'm sorry but you don't cheat on someone that you love.

 

I think you still need to use NC and work on yourself and love yourself. For this to have the best chance you both should be in a good place also before you get involved in any type of relationship with this person again. Give it the best shot you can.

 

No trust in a relationship is toxic and poisonous in a relationship. You guys need to work on getting that mutual trust back. I wish you the best and hope whatever happens works out for the best

[Jondwnr]

Thanks it kinda felt like i was getting attacked and I already appreciate all your advice. Maybe i am looking too much into "their"'relationship, I think I'll leave that alone while talking to her.

BUT what is she wants to talk about it?

 

Cheating...never good for anyone, even though I did make that fatal mistake it doesn't mean i didn't or don't love her.

Trust...I think maybe "we" can work that out somehow(if that point comes), maybe in some form of self help books or by bettering our communication, couples counseling.

Do you guys have any ideas?

[endy]

Successful relationships have a solid base, a good foundation, and two people that are in the right place (happy loving themselves). Right now that foundation is non-existent so as far as ideas, I don't have any off the top of my head. I have never been in the situation you are in. Self help books are great, but YOU can only work on yourself when outside of a relationship. There's too much going on otherwise

 

When and if that point comes that is something you will both have to sit down and discuss. I think we were being more "negative" because we want you to see how hard this is going to be, and that it very well could cause you both more pain in the end.

 

The right thing to do here is yes, stop thinking about them because eventually I think you see there will be no more of "them" The best thing you can do to give reconciliation a chance is to take space, grow, and learn. Hopefully she does this to.

[Jondwnr]

Thanks Endy i apreciate that you are putting your Time into my situation.

And I really am sick of games, I created most of them But I think the very worst is behind me I told you guys I'm not emotional anymore I'm happy about myself and my head is in the right place. It's just I'm not used to these situations and try to use my intelligence throughout this time. But intelligence isn't all I need, I need more common scence and knowledge of the female psyche and relationships.

[TheJerseyKid]

I think this situation is a train wreck waiting to happen. You go on to tell her how she shouldn't jump from relationship to relationship to give her time to heal, then immediately offer to take her away on a mini vacation? Trying too hard man, keep it up and it wont be long before you over smother her and she runs away again because of clingyness. That and.. you're doing what you told her not to do, which is date someone without healing from the previous relationship. That includes the rebound too!