$100+K in 12 months given, but I'm still "mean" and "stingy", she says

[unhappiest2011]

LATEST

 

"With you here, I hardly have half an hour when I can do what I need to do."

 

"When you start talking you can continue for half a day, so I do not have time" (that is true, but then am I supposed to just accept being repeatedly told I am mean and stingy when I paid $115K in 16 months? So it goes round and round, with every (IMO) red herring thrown in by her)

[sherryberrypie]

This woman's value system is all screwed up, and it's obviously that it conflicts with yours. That right there should be a deal-breaker. If you marry her, she will clean you out, I guarantee it. She is using emotional blackmail tactics to get what she wants and is not thinking about you (not showing remorse, etc...) Threatening to get a job? Come on! You are her golden ticket. What does she do for you? Why do you love her?

[unhappiest2011]

I don't understand how you ended up spending that much. A single person or two adults can be fed and sheltered for way less than $20,000 unless they have rediculous mortgage. Even if you were buying everything for her, you must have been buying diamonds and funding her spending sprees.

I agree, as I have no mortgage or loans, I can live on $10K a year easily.

 

She complained I did not buy her a car. Her one is unreliable, a bad choice of model, and with me around she uses it for barely 200 miles a year (so taxes, insurances - which are very high hereabouts - make it very expensive per mile). She knows zero about car maintenance and isn't interested (like many). So I suggested a Honda Accord or similar, maybe 5 years old, scores best at jdpower(dot)com for reliability. That was NOT good enough. She said the shape was wrong, then I showed her 20 variations on the shape. I was "too cheap, it is all about money", wanted a German brand even though every survey puts the Japs well ahead.

 

She complains I gave her the money IN THE WRONG WAY. If I'd just given her cash ($ bills) it would not have been that way. But I have no business which generates $$ bills. Every bit of money I need I have to sell investments for, and then wait for the broker to send it to me. I don't get dividend income, I don't invest in dividend stocks.

 

bailing her out of a 26K loan is not something you do for someone unless you decide to do it for a child or your wife who shares assets with you. It is not something you do for a 16 month girlfriend unless you are trying to "buy" her or impress her with your power.

It wasn't 16 months when I did it. She asked for it after 2 months of living together, and I gave it to her a couple months later.

[Cadence44]

This woman has a great deal! A boyfriend of 16 months who will pay off her loans and give her money (the method it is given to her doesn't matter). She then tries to twist things by claiming that he doesn't love her enough, he doesn't do things the right way, he's not serious and doesn't want to marry her and he actually considers what she says as if it might be true.

 

OP, you are being taken for a ride. Why are you paying off her loans and giving her access to your credit card in the first place? You are on here talking about tiny bits and pieces of the story that bother you, but why do you refuse to see the big picture? You've let this happen. You do not have to give her any money unless you are living together and it is half the rent and living expenses. The arrangement that you have is not normal.

 

Maybe you're too emotionally wrapped up in making things better, but you are with a woman who is using you. Still, you persist in discussing the small details and how you might change her attitude. Start seeing the forest through the trees. She's not going to become a better person who will stop taking advantage of you.

 

You have been more than generous with her and I don't think you should give her another cent. Once you stop the money train, you'll see how much she values you. (hint: It's going to be met with protests and emotional manipulation, because that is who she is. You would be a fool to listen to any of it.)

[penelope13]

Already the question 'if you are stingy/mean' implies that you are insecure about this issue. 100k/year + to spend on anyone is not stingy, it doesn't need a bunch of strangers to realize this.

 

I don't think there is anything that you can do to make her change, since she knows exactly how to play you. All she has to do is to threaten you to leave, or to call you stingy and you willingly (though complaining) continue to open your purse. Despite your complaining you have never put your foot down and said no, i.e. there is no real consequence to you complaining about her spending habits.

 

Unfortunately you can't buy her love, affection, not even appreciation for what you are doing for her. If you will stop the credit card payments or decrease the amount she has to spend, she will probably simply find someone else to finance her life style.

 

The choice you have is either to accept her for who she is, or to find someone else. You can't change people who don't want to change. Nothing indicates that she has any kind of sympathy for your position. Sorry to be so blunt.

 

Talk to a lawyer what your options are.

[unhappiest2011]

This woman's value system is all screwed up

 

Maybe, she has had to become harder, forced by circumstances.

She moved country, had to leave her kid behind for years with only rare visits, the (now) ex- changed his mind about joining her, she had to struggle hard and build something to get the kid here. Tough, not easy (and all in the long past when I met her)

 

Threatening to get a job? Come on! You are her golden ticket. What does she do for you?

 

Her previous job (she's been unemployed for 2 years now) was high paying, say $75K a year before taxes. But she's little chance IMO of getting another.

 

She says I place too many demands on her to make working and having a relationship at the same time viable... As I've only previous had long-term relationships, and with people working jobs (often stressful and own business types), I know I would adapt and be of help. But she (apparently) either cannot see that or does not agree or whatever.

 

At good times, she DOES make me very happy. I am nervous that bad times follow.

[unhappiest2011]

Please note we HAVE been living together for a year,

 

Her current complaint is I've given her very much less for the last couple of months (true) and I have not started the budget. I was just about to make a pension payment for her (today) when she revealed it was viewed by her as additional to the monthly budget/allowance (even though that was "all-inclusive") also due to start now. This is scarey but she sees it as part of my letting her down.

[Tired Tiger]

Er... so if you think of her as an investment, what sort of dividends are you expecting? She sounds like the Bernie Madoff of girlfriends...

[Cadence44]

Please note we HAVE been living together for a year

 

I don't see how that applies to what I said, but okay. My point in mentioning the example of living together is that your fair share is limited to splitting rent and necessary living expenses (food, utilities, etc), NOT to also pay off her loans and give her spending money. That latter part is not normal. You are being uneccessarily generous by doing that and rather than being appreciative of it, she is taking advantage of you. You are - for some reason - letting it happen while you also become more and more resentful of it.

 

The answer is very simple: stop letting it happen. Cut her off from any expenses that you would not contribute to a roommate and/or break up with her.

[unhappiest2011]

You do not have to give her any money unless you are living together and it is half the rent and living expenses. The arrangement that you have is not normal.

It isn't rent, she owns the place, SS pays the mortgage interest. My spending has been used for other things. I know it sounds dumb, but I didn't go through the creditcards like I was a detective. I should not have to, either..

[Lonewing]

I think you've allowed yourself to be emotionally manipulated by her, because you've let her be more to you than you are to her.

 

Take a good look at the serenity prayer;

 

grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

You are a wise man. You've done well for yourself. Now wake up and GET OUT of your mess that you have created for yourself. You have a million options just where you are alone - she needs not be a monopoly. There are better monopolies out there! If she is a monopoly, she's the Purple Set!!! Trade up and trade out!

 

You might want to put some work after you get out towards learning how to balance finances and love. Your heart is very loose - it wants to give. And that can so very easily be manipulated. Of course she wants German. It's not going to change anything here. You get up and GO already!!

 

Don't feel a bit guilty if you leave her in a bind, because she has already stated she can get an incredible job if she had to - so LEAVE her already, she's no good to you!

[Ariel85]

I guess I don't really understand the point of this thread.

 

You are blaming her for using you, yet you allowed it, encouraged it, and enabled it. No one forced you to bankroll her lifestyle.

 

Man up, stop being a doormat, kick her to the curb, and never allow a woman to treat you like a bank again.

[DN]

Try this - tell her you are leaving today. Start packing. See what she says.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, she's a gold digger, plain and simple. Your 'function' is to be her bank and give her anything she wants. She'll bleed you dry, and when you don't continue to feed her expensive tastes, she'll go looking for a new sugar daddy...

 

You are only as valuable as the money you give her. Everything she says/does points to the fact that she doesn't love you, and is using bullying and threats to continue to keep the money flowing.

 

I've heard many stories about E. European women leaving their countries and children behind in pursuit of a sugar daddy. Her first priority is a high lifestyle. Many grew up in poverty and hard times, and are really ruthless survivor types just looking for a better life for themselves. The man himself isn't important, all she's in it for is to spend, spend, spend YOUR money.

 

I don't know too many mothers who wouldn't first find a way to bring their kids with them, but if she's willing to leave them behind to live a high lifestyle with you, so she is showing very clearly that family, love, and responsibility are meaningless to her, she's all about looking for a high lifestyle and a sugar daddy.

 

Run, don't walk, away from this woman. She doesn't love you and will bleed you dry financially until EVERYTHING is gone.

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you start paying off her loans and giving her settlements, then she'll go looking for a boy toy to spend your money on... she'll take everything she can get, and when she's feeling really secure (i.e., married and able to take you for half in a divorce), that's when she will find some new guy and take your cash and leave you high and dry.

[lavenderdove]

Also, it is NOT the norm for GFs to expect to be put on an allowance and given $4K a month and given settlements and for you to pay off their debts... that is RIDICULOUSLY self serving and greedy of her... you have to discount most of what she tells you too, since it is very clear to outsiders that she is using guilt and bullying and tools to make you cough up more money. Most NORMAL woman who love you for you and wanted a balanced relationship wouldn't spend money the way she does, nor expect you to be a sugar daddy and not pull their own weight, financially or otherwise.

[DN]

You are not her personal piggy bank.

[Live-N-Learn]

Man, I thought I let people take advantage of me, but your situation is the worst I have seen. Get out while you can...she is a user that will never change no matter how hard you try to make her into a better person. She is showing you her true charter and you are not willing to set it for what it is. I do not feel sorry for you if you continue. You do have a choice and right now you have made the choice to let her use you.

[Lonewing]

You mentioned you need company and support. These are good reasons to have a partner, but you've been through four relationships now, including one divorce so I cannot excuse anything here form a lack of experience. You have MUCH experience!!

 

Until you get yourself figured out so you won;t be so blind to these sorts of women, I want you to go get yourself a Dog. Yes, a Dog. Four legged, furry, loving it will be all the emotional comfort you need in this hour of darkness.

 

When you do get back to dating, I want you to put $100 in your pocket, more than one bill, and use only that for your date. Pretend your walet has essentially been stolen and you have access to no more than that! And stay this was for 3-6 months, so you give yourself a fair chance of understanding your partner before you get too close - and before she starts putting on Airs of "I really love you." All emotions can be faked and love is the easiest of all emotions to fake.

[agent1607307371]

 

No, not on average over 16 months since winter 2009.

$115,000/16 = $7,100 a month, but that includes about 4 months when we were only together a little of the time.

 

And $26K was to do with settling her loan 5 months into the relationship, which is just expense for me I know (the loan was taken out by her for a harebrained business idea that she abandoned after I encouraged her to listen to an accountant, and she'd managed to spend most of it).

 

So actual spending on luxuries/essentials/consumables/utilities was $115K less $26K, i.e. $89K. Over 16 months that averages to $5,500 a month, rounded down.

 

Oh, well that makes all the difference then.

 

 

Buying a GF is like having a wh*re, and I never have done that. I keep telling her it should be beneath her.

 

It should be beneath you too. But at the end of the day, she's getting what she wants and is happy with the situation. That puts her above you.

[newday]

Interesting dilemma and I have my opinions but they really don't matter.

 

You seem to be looking for an answer from someone else. The answer needs to come within. Seems YOU have some soul searching to do. You can not change her, period. You need to give up on that. She MAY decide to change for you - but you can not make her make that choice either. The ONLY thing you can do is change yourself. With focus on the solution rather than the problem - you can figure out what you need to do to take care of you and make yourself happy. A choice is to accept her as she is and let things move forward as they are, let go of your resentments, be happy, and open your wallet. You can leave her. You can start setting boundaries (which is sounds like you have) AND ENFORCING them. If she won't agree to go to counseling, perhaps some counseling just for yourself will help. There are a lot of options - my point here is that you can only control yourself. If you are miserable enough to post here but love her so much you have to sacrifice yourself and stay . . . then perhaps counseling is appropriate. Some relationships work where I am sure more money is spent - but it is accepted and everyone is happy. You are not happy. How do you get happy? Only YOU have the answers. You can only count on and control yourself. You can NOT expect her to change without being sorely disappointed. If she does, consider it a pleasant surprise.

[Lonewing]

He's looking for the plan that will make her see him as a wonderful respectful man whom she loves and cares about.

 

this will NEVER be so with this woman.

 

There's no rehabilitating this girl. The limits have already been put in place - her constant requests for more, and subsequent emotional abuse to get what she wants when he hesitates, should all be all the evidence necessary to see the light. He's been entirely manipulated by her head, and I don't think it was very difficult for her to do it. The If-Then-Else relationship is the easiest relationship to manipulate, and in this case, he governs himelf with it wholeheartedly. His code line is, "If I pay for your life, you will love me, else, I won't live." Her code line is "if you don't give me everything I want, I'll make you feel bad about what you aren't doing for me; else, I'll make you feel bad about what you ARE doing for me, too!

 

Get Out, man!

[Tanzi]

She says I place too many demands on her to make working and having a relationship at the same time viable... As I've only previous had long-term relationships, and with people working jobs (often stressful and own business types), I know I would adapt and be of help. But she (apparently) either cannot see that or does not agree or whatever.

 

At good times, she DOES make me very happy. I am nervous that bad times follow.

 

Are you saying that she can't work and be in a relationship at the same time? I've never heard such utter rubbish.

 

From what you have said here and in your previous posts, it seems she uses emotional blackmail rather a lot. Honestly, this woman isn't with you for love. If she were you wouldn't be in a position where you have to penny count her spending and and put up with her constant emotional blackmailing and whining to make sure she gets what she wants. What do you think she will do once she has rinsed you dry? If you think she will leave then that is all the answer you need to know.

 

I'm sorry she is doing this to you, you deserve better.

[Real Deal]

QUOTE]Love?

 

Yeah, so what. Love is not wanting anything in return. While you have done a lot for her it seems like at a minimum you would like her to 'act' a certain way. Just saying.

 

 

Is that ambiguous?

 

Are you saying she thinks I am desperate?

 

Or do you mean is she desperate?

 

Or both?

 

Please, clarify - thanks.

 

Yes, same as above. Why is your reason for doing all of this if it causes you to resent her for being ungrateful. I am not saying you are a desperate guy but to HER she takes it as desperate. You have no boundaries and she knows that.

 

Tried shorting, derivatives, spread betting... sticking to what I know and am good at.

 

Right on. Works for some and not for others. I hear ya. I guess you didn't get a book of 2m by being a slacker... ;-). I just know too many people that have solid net worth that don't believe in shorting or market timing and I saw them take a bath in 2008. Scary stuff....

 

Thanks!

 

To her, that I paid off a $26k loan of hers within 5 months of us starting proves nothing positive about me, the amount was "inconsequential" and that most men would do the same.

 

Most men? Really? Hmmm...I beg to differ. At 50 you have nothing to gain by marrying her or anyone else for that matter too quickly. I have only been divorced for a couple of years and I am in no rush at all. I am not saying this is the case with your GF but generally lower quality women say they want "commitment" because it means security. Then they turn around and say they are independent and self-sufficent. Crazy people talk if you ask me. There are WAAAAAY to many really great and geniune women out there to put up with more than two ounces of BS from any single one. It may sound cold and harsh but the opposite is true for women that put up with men that are all f'd up.

 

Good luck man.....

[sherryberrypie]

Can I has an allowance?