$100+K in 12 months given, but I'm still "mean" and "stingy", she says

[unhappiest2011]

Thanks, a-little-blue and winniethepooh.

 

I am reading, many times over, everything that is put here. Perhaps perspective is developing, as time passes.

 

If anyone has anything to add, it would be appreciated.

 

"It" continues to hurt badly.

 

go and read about emotional manipulation and blackmail

 

Here's a quote buried within my very first post in this thread, put here on March 22, 2011:

So this was a bit like blackmail.

 

Around that time, I googled "emotional blackmail". Then I wrote, solely for my own benefit or insight, a sort of essay on it, drawing most from what researchers had written and blending it with my experiences (i.e., much of the research clearly didn't apply to my circumstances). I guess I did this because I was desperately trying to get my head around what was or had been happening to me, searching for explanations.

 

Still trying.

 

It might help (me) if I put this year-old essay here... comments? (DN, it isn't making me more stuck, promise!)

[unhappiest2011]

It is now 2 months with virtually NC.

 

Why do I still feel very guilty, as if I am wholly or mainly responsible for this? And worried?

 

Hurting bad.

 

Anyone?

[DN]

Because you loved/love her and your heart is ruling your head. It is time to let your rational thought processes take charge instead of your emotions.

[Tanzi]

Because you loved/love her and your heart is ruling your head. It is time to let your rational thought processes take charge instead of your emotions.

 

Totally this. You are trying to rationalise your feelings. I expect, ultimately, you feel that if you had done things differently you would still be together. That may be true, for a while at least, but the outcome would have eventually been the same. She would have left you anyway when the money pot ran dry. That much is obvious because that is what happened. You may have turned the money tap down (making you feel responsible for the break down of the relationship) but the bottom line is when the money stopped flowing she was off quicker than you can say "gold-digger". Don't you see that she would have left you regardless of whether you turned off the tap or she bled it dry ... the outcome would have been the same. All that has happened is you found the strength to stop all this in time.

 

I think you have to accept who this woman was. What was the reason she ended the relationship? ... Money, or lack of. That says it all. If it wasn't the money she would be with you right now, making compromises and working on the relationship. Accept her for what she is, accept the situation for what it is and start moving on.

[Applewhite]

I think there is a reason we all agree here.

[Lansing]

wow man, you got off lucky to get out of this. Glad it didn't drag on longer and longer. I didn't read through the whole thread but from what I read it is the type of thing I am worried about myself.

 

When I asked a girl I was dating recently to make more contribution/appreciation to the relationship she basically ignored what I had to say because she figured I made good money.... it bugged me from the start and this was just a very MILD form of what happened with you.. ... You will heal, you will find someone interested in you for YOU and not your money.

[unhappiest2011]

Thanks, Lansing, and of course my regular wise counsel, DN, hike14, a-little-blue. Here are the developments:

 

In the very few phone calls of the past 3 months, she would steer any brief attempt at conversation to me forcing her to do what she did (yes, always all my fault, old story that, mean/stingy me), and then to requests/demands that I should "help her" (i.e., financially, obviously) and even utter some ludicrous/outrageous threats which I won't even dignify by repeating.

 

Other cruel things said - perhaps genuinely felt by her, I do not know - that I had let her down, not kept my word, made her unable to trust others in general and men specifically, etc.

 

So, I reverted from 99% NC to 100% NC.

 

Then, a couple of days ago, shortly after her b'day, she phoned me out of the blue, directly moving to "can you help me, I would not ask you but I have nowhere else to turn" etc. I said No, further that I was recovering, had not disturbed or hassled her in any way, she had effectively spurned my offer of marriage. She said that should be the subject of a different, much longer conversation. I said that the present conversation served no purpose and disconnected.

 

Did I do wrong?

 

Rationalising:

 

1.. She owns 4 homes, 2 "here", 2 or now 3 in her home country. The houses here are in her name, one occupied and the other rented at just above break-even, but have 90% mortgages and house values are headed south (that was one of the annoying things when we were together; she showed zero money sense or investment logic but demanded I should hand over lumpsums to her; experts predicted house price falls of another 40%). The apartments "back home" are in her parents' names or for her kids and in their names, but are unencumbered. She owns maybe $40K worth of physical silver, or so she hinted. And what else in cash, I don't know, plus a big "income" from S.S. That's a lot better than many folks, given she hasn't been earning a living for about 3 years, and is clearly still not at work even though I've not been around to take a toll on her time (her claim for the reason why she could not work; reality IMO was different) for 3 months. So she can liquidate some of her assets if she needs money. I was having to do that for 2 years to fund her!

 

2.. All the figures (re expenses, income) given by me in this thread are accurate, except that I'm actually a bit better-off than I've said in this thread (not hugely - say another 45-50% of net assets) and we're each ~2 yrs older than I wrote (now +3 yrs, since the thread started a year ago in March 2011). She was back on the dating site(s) within 3 days of the split. Logic as spelled out on enotalone etc. suggests she's now perhaps discovered that "here" (not the continental U.S., and not as well-off a country as there), the supply of kind, generous, loving, trusting, unmarried, available, 40-55-year-old, liquid-asseted multimillionaire males who want to marry a 43 yr old bone-idle, spendthrift East European who's been out of work for 3+ yrs (and was in the banking sector which is laying off at ten times the rate it is employing and which is universally hated for its greedy, spendthrift ways...) with potential large liabilities arising from stubbornly-held property and pay her large lumpsums, isn't quite as vast or readily-available a supply of men as she believed or claimed to me**. I know that sounds cruel and it is NOT the way I think at all - but I do fear that is how her mind may have worked. The supply wasn't high 2.6 yrs ago when I met her. Now, here, it's a lot smaller, as the depression bites and realisation dawns on lots of people that the good times are over.

 

** Explicitly told me that there were any number of men willing to f*** her if all they had to do was give her bed and board. Which no doubt was true, but was a heartless thing to say - and further, I'd given her one helluva lot more than that, financially, emotionally and every which way.

 

I gave her (and her son, who sadly is her "collateral damage" yet again in his life, the first time being when she left him for years while she went west, second when his dad was dumped) lots, most importantly time, love, help, kindness, sharing, and more money than most people believe. The bond with her son was stronger than she could have expected, as the two things he is really interested in and excels at, happen to be things I'm really interested in and out-excel him at. But all that counted for little or nothing with her, else she would not have risked losing it with the escalating demands.

 

Logically, it has got to just have been all about the money. She had repeatedly said how her special friend (and the man who gave her a ~$450K house) in some ways had a much better arrangement, despite also describing him as being very bad and her as very unhappy.

 

I just wanted someone to trust and share everything with... but she screwed it up, because, as someone wrote, her value system is all screwed up. Her special friend managed, in her own words, at least partly to "screw [someone else] out of all his money", so perhaps she feels it should be achievable by her (as she's younger, prettier) too.

 

But then, I think, maybe she is really lonely and misses me (not just my money), but for all sorts of stupid and wrong reasons (including advice from that friend of hers, perhaps) is unwilling to show any weakness to me, and that is why she made contact... leaving me to read between the lines. But then, again, she never said any of that. I am just projecting.

 

And I remember all my vain attempts to get her to see financial sense. If everything was reliant on my finances, my savings, my income, then I have the right to determine things. Pretty much everything I predicted for the global economy has happened. Her brilliant ideas (sell everything and put it in silver) would have lost me 25% of what I had (46->33). Instead, I've managed to break-even. And property's gone down 10%, a little less than I predicted, but the opposite of what she'd said.

 

It still hurts a lot, but maybe a bit less than last month. Was I trying to make her into a better person than she is or is even capable of being? Folly, if so.

 

Views, please? Is it "Emotional Blackmail Stage 10a"? Do I seem at all to have progressed?

[DN]

You did the right thing. Now go further and try to forget about her.

[blueplanet22]

Not all ladies are gold diggers, perhaps you need to fish in a different pond? Some of us have enough of our own money and own self respect to just want love, true love, not money.

[penelope13]

It's definitely a progress if you can maintain 100% NC!

[Lonewing]

You have made strides from where you were!! You're starting to get it - good for you!!

 

I hate to inform you of this, but I really doubt there is any person left on the planet with whom you can trustfully "share it all." Give up on that notion now.

 

You're smart, financially, so just hang on!

[Tanzi]

Yes you have progressed. You feel better than you did a month ago and next month you will feel better than you do now.

 

You made the right choice in going 100% NC. From your post it is evident that you are now seeing things more clearly though you do have a tendency to start doubting the blatantly obvious. One thing is for sure, this woman contacted you for one particular reason and one particular reason only .... money. Don't doubt that for a moment. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about. Don't be fooled .... or more importantly DON'T FOOL YOURSELF .... into giving her anymore money when she is still refusing to work.

[Applewhite]

I'm worried that you are still hopeful and that you are going to get sucked right back in. Best of luck to you - be wise!

[marconi68]

Marry me blueplanet cos it seems there aren't many good uns left.

Unhappiest2011 all you did was fall in love and was blindsided by that, hoping that the love (and the money) would be returned because you are kind and have good morals, thinking she would be the same as you. Time for you to look after No.1 for a bit now.

[unhappiest2011]

To my enormous misfortune, in every sense of that word, back in August 2012 I did get sucked in back in, and married her in September 2012.

Now in 2016 it is a hundred times worse than back in 2011. The police and lawyers are involved.

One little disclosure - to keep things confidential, I translated amounts to $$$; all this happened in England.

[agent1607307371]

I'm sorry to hear that, unhappiest. Hopefully now there is legal intervention you will finally be able to extricate yourself for good. Are you accessing any therapy/councelling?

[daydreamer3]

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things get better for you. Don't worry it takes time to get over someone. I'm going through it now with my own break up after 14 years. But u know what everyone has to pick up and move forward it's the only way to heal and get through life.There is always someone for everyone out there u haven't found them yet? Say positive.

[Quidam]

Man you sure don't listen when people tell you what a mess you were in!!