unhappiest2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Thanks to all for replying... You mentioned your past relationships had issues with money as well. NO!! I NEVER had any MONEY ISSUES at all in ANY past relationship. This is absolutely a "first time" for me. I realise this is a long thread, so I don't know if you have misread something I have written or you are confusing me with some other poster. If you misread my "But I did this before when I paid off her $26K loan (paying off loan = giving lumpsum, it is the same thing)" this refers to HER (same lady) LOAN that I paid off in full late spring 2010. Not a reference to any past relationship. Do seek the light, before it's too late. You're burying yourself here; GET AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN!! Link to comment
unhappiest2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 So, your solution to her using you, not loving you, and being an outright golddigger, is to give her a lump sum payment to show you are earnest? I appreciate your point of view. But that is not MY solution, it was HER proposed solution... Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 You've received eight pages of replies and they all say the same thing. Eight pages later, you are still nitpicking posts and jumping on whatever inaccuracies you can find in posts that otherwise contain helpful advice. You correct inaccuracies and conclude that it invalidates the entire post, since you don't respond to the other content. You are clearly seeking the advice that you want to hear - that you can get her to see the light and stop using you for your money. We cannot tell you how to do that because a) this is who she is - a user who is not going to change, and b) you allow her to use you. You are here for help, you chose to name yourself "unhappiest" but you seem to be doing whatever you can to stay in your state of denial. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 wow. You know what? You should tell her you are going to give her a million dollars and just do it. She will be happy then and so will you. Let's see how that works out. I'm being serious. Actually, just give her all 2M and tell her there are NSA and she can do whatever she wants with it. After all, if you really do love her you would do this. If she really does love you and is worth it she will not take it. Test my theory, go ahead. Anyone want to place sidebets on the outcome? Good luck man..... Link to comment
superfox Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Hand on heart here, do you really think that she loves you for you? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 You know, you obviously think this woman is worth the money and that this is a valid relationship. So I suggest that you just relax into being poor. And I'm sure that when you can't help your daughter go to college (but you'll have paid for your gf's son to go), she'll totally understand that it was all for love. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 BTW, read my quote and let it sink in. You are busted up because you did something that you are not cool with (giving her 100k and her whining about money). If not, this thread would not exist. As a man you should always ask yourself this question - What is SHE doing to enhance YOUR life? Sounds to me like nothing. W-A-L-K!! Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 As a man you should always ask yourself this question - What is SHE doing to enhance YOUR life? Sounds to me like nothing. Well, it sounds like she's well groomed and has a great wardrobe, anyway. * shrug * Link to comment
Lonewing Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Thanks to all for replying... NO!! I NEVER had any MONEY ISSUES at all in ANY past relationship. This is absolutely a "first time" for me. I realise this is a long thread, so I don't know if you have misread something I have written or you are confusing me with some other poster. If you misread my "But I did this before when I paid off her $26K loan (paying off loan = giving lumpsum, it is the same thing)" this refers to HER (same lady) LOAN that I paid off in full late spring 2010. Not a reference to any past relationship. I see where I made the mistake in interpretation. But this doesn't change some crucial elements. The first of which is that it is VERY unusual for any person to give another person 26k like this. Even if people love each other. Sometimes the Love thing to do is to support and encourage the person towards getting a job and making the means so as to pay off those bills on their own, instead of taking it over outright. And saving your money for retirement and for taking little trips to exotic places once in a while. I'm going back to what you said about her friends. One thing I may not have mentioned but which may be relevant.. As far as I know, ALL - I repeat ALL - her female friends were born in the same East European country from which she originates. This is a big part of the problem. I was informed: ALL THE REST ARE VERY HAPPILY MARRIED TO LOCAL MEN ALL OF THESE HAVE ONE OR MORE KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE (in that East European country) IN ALL CASES THE (PRESENT LOCAL) HUSBAND LOOKS AFTER THEM NONE OF THEM WORKS THEIR HUSBANDS ARE APPARENTLY MORE THAN HAPPY AND GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT THEY HAVE NO MONEY WORRIES Against this background or benchmark, I'm (perhaps understandably) measured as being defective. If that's the only measure she has (remember, there are no other friends)... But we've been together for (counting to get the biggest number possible) 16 months, and lived together for 12 of these. "Rome was not built in a day" You said this was a big part of the problem. You think of them and her s separate entitites - when are you going to open your eyes and realize SHE IS ONE OF THEM???!!!!! Not a little bit, ALL the bit! SHE is with a LOCAL MAN SHE HAS ONE OR MORE KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE YOU LOOK AFTER HER SHE DOES NOT WORK YOU ARE APPARENTLY MORE THAN HAPPY TO GIVE HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS SHE HAS NO MONEY WORRIES She IS JUST LIKE ALL OF THEM!!!! ...what kind of discussions do you think those other men have with their wives??? Have you ever actually met any of these Husbands and found out just how happy they are? The biggest part of the problem here is not them, but the fact that you are the only one building Rome - she is NOT building a single structure in your city. She is the roving vandal horde, and every time she comes around demanding money, you appease her with a large sack of bounty so she doesn't sack you outright, aka, cut you off and throw you out of her life. I'm speechless. I would indeed measure you as being defective against this background and benchmark, but not because you are simply doing what she says [that tells me your conscience IS working] but by putting with as much as you have, it's clear your BS meter is outright missing. All the pieces of this puzzle are here in the open, there's a bright light by which to see, and look at this, all the puzzle pieces have numbers on their edges matching up to the pieces that fit together. I had a puzzle like this when I was a kid, it had a Pink Pig on it; it was a one piece wooden puzzle! I don't understand what I am not seeing...becasue right now, whatever little parts I'm not seeing do not excuse any of this behavior on either your part or her part. One of you is being used. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 OP - you're a smart guy and you have a problem. You have an Eastern European Woman fetish. I don't think you love her anymore than she loves you. You are both in it for really ridiculous reasons. Look, pay up if you want to keep it going. Or else, find a normal woman. How hard is that? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 If someone doesn't have a job and feels insecure about that, they don't need to spend 4000+ a month on frivolous things. That money should be put away to secure her future later. Let's say you die tomorrow, then what? Who's going to bankroll her then? I would also think twice about marrying her, she'll probably find a way to off you once she becomes the beneficiary of your life insurance. I'm not kidding. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 I have been told in no uncertain terms that the only way forward is if I show that she can trust me financially. She said that the monthly budget/allowance would not do that as, in her words, were the relationship to end in (say) 6 months' time, she would be left in an insecure state, as by then she'd have been out of work for 2.5 years or so. I said such certainties aren't available in real life. The closest thing to that type of "guarantee" is marriage. However, she said that the only option is a lumpsum payment to her, which would show I am in earnest. But I did this before when I paid off her $26K loan (paying off loan = giving lumpsum, it is the same thing)...... Is she for real? Are you saying that she needs a lump sum from you so that you can show her that you are earnest yet she won't show you that she is earnest by marrying you. and .... She doesn't want to be left in an insecure state due to being out of work for 2.5 years So why doesn't she get off her lazy backside and get a job then? Oh I forgot, she is in a relationhip, she can't do both can she?!?!? And she is NOT a gold-digger??? Why are you even trying to justify whether giving her $26k to pay off a loan qualifies as a lump sum or not .... it shouldn't even be up for discussion!! No-one in a "normal", loving relationship expects lump sums so why should she? Basically she is refusing to stay with you if you don't give her a lump sum. And she is NOT a gold-digger?! You pay off her loans, she spends YOUR money like there is no tomorrow yet she is still not happy .... AND she is NOT a gold-digge?r! Honestly, what part of any of the above makes any sense to you because it sure doesn't make any sense to me. Why do YOU think she wants a lump sum and not a monthly allowance? I am pretty sure I know why. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 OP I hope you are still reading. I am 26, eastern European. I am smart, educated and pretty. I agree to the 4k/month all inclusive budget! You don't even need to pay off my loans with any of that (I have non). What do you say? PS - no kids. Link to comment
unhappiest2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Author Share Posted December 24, 2011 First, may I express my gratefulness to all those who kindly offered advice, guidance and help in this long thread dated March 2011, about my relationship which commenced at the start of 2010? Thank you! There have been very significant (to me) events since then. If any of the original contributors are still around, or anyone else is interested, I'd appreciate a reply in this thread and I'll post the developments. OP I hope you are still reading. I am 26, eastern European. I am smart, educated and pretty. I agree to the 4k/month all inclusive budget! You don't even need to pay off my loans with any of that (I have non). What do you say? PS - no kids. Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 This thread reminded me of why I am not with my ex, in part. So thanks. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 Post updates. I for one am curious whether you actually kept putting up with this. Link to comment
unhappiest2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Author Share Posted December 25, 2011 Thank you, hike14 and DN. May I give a brief version first, and ask some questions? After that break-up I documented in the thread, she went back on the dating site(s) almost immediately - easy to find as she (deliberately?) used the same username as before, and mainly used pics I'd taken of her. We drifted back; I was weakening and kept feeling sorry for her and convinced myself more and more that I had not treated her fairly (her accusation), not kept my word re money (her accusation too), could have done more (her accusation), etc. Question, please. Does this sound as if I've let myself be emotionally manipulated? It was rocky at times but very sweet at times; again, the sweet times I grew to think of as a prelude to unpleasantness over $$$. So it was soon 6 months and ~$30K more down the line. This spending included various "procedures" for her (almost $10K in total including traveling) done in her home country (she went alone each time), periods for me looking after her son, spending ~100 hours teaching him to pass the entrance exams to a better school, plenty of other traveling relating to her property investing, and two major trips abroad together. One of these trips was at my suggestion at which she first baulked and then agreed, and during which I bought her pretty much whatever she wanted; the other at short notice due to a big family "event" for her. So I got to meet all the rest of her family, who were as I expected. Hers are very straightforward, kind, simple, loving parents, living in a very small flat, but happy and contented, proud of their kids. I hoped this would make her see things differently. btw, I know what you might say here. Since then, here's a sampling of what she's said to me: "You want to 'get me' for nothing." "You are just using me up." "Forgive me for being frank/blunt. There's no end to the list of men who'd be more than happy to f*** me if all they had to do was feed me in return." This one took my breath away. For one thing, I was doing a hell of a lot more, both financially and in terms of work, than just putting food on the table. "Yes, I know I did not help at all with things. But you cannot expect me to do so unless [the asset involved] is in my name." When I displayed amazement, this was amended to "in our names" "You prevented me from starting what would have been a very profitable business" I've told you about this before - she asked me to review the business plan, and I did exactly that, fairly and honestly - based on the maths/accounting of it, the nature of the intended business, the economic condition of the target market, and the total inexperience of both participants in running any business at all as well as with this specific area, all my experience and expertise made me view it as a bad venture. I then got a second opinion on it directly (not via me) given to her - it was the same as mine. I did all this because she asked me to do so. I didn't manage to read what I was asked to do as a coded message to bankroll the venture. I pointed out their own business model, when corrected, produced hourly rates for the two principals only a little above McDonald's wages. And if they did better, they'd immediately get one or more local competitors, as there was little or no entry bars. They'd already shown extreme naivete by buying (before I knew her) a brand-new "latest" top-end machine for $30K for this business, from a manufacturer who changed their top-end machine every 6 months after which it would halve in price. But I still volunteered, in good faith, my time to help in it, if she was really keen on it. How this can be perverted into me "stopping her" taking part in the business I do not know. Ditto about "two" (only heard of one before) apparently super job offers she had (it was relationship vs job, which staggered me). I don't think the one I'd heard about had got to the offer stage - it was a shortlist, I think. And the investment banking sector is shedding jobs like crazy, not hiring... There's MUCH more information to come, but this is enough for now. At present, and for quite some time now, we have not been together. I'd be really grateful for your views on the words I have just quoted. I've been told that some of her words quoted above, and conduct are just those of a H.C.W. (I'll leave it to you to guess what that stands for). So why do I not feel rage and anger at what has happened, but instead just deep hurt and sorrow? And Happy Christmas, folks (I hope!)................ Link to comment
sweety39 Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Woww I can't believe what you had to put up with .My ex (we broke up recently) is as selfish as your ex is .But, ofcourse I dint spend as much as u did When we dated I paid everytime we went out for over 1 year as he was in school(even thought he was making $4000 a month)and I made more money than him .He always complained that I wasn't there for him (he meant I dint pick up his bills) He wanted to marry me .One day I asked him if he would pay the house rent if we ever get married.He said "Why should I?Did you ever pay my house rent ?I would just pay for your food as you only paid when we went out " After dating him for 2 year its almost unbelievable that men like you exist in this world Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 I think other guys including me also spend on women and treat them nicely and spoil them. My ex said I really was into giving gifts. Never went over without bottles of wine and her fave food. But OP takes it to a whole new level, where money is a key ingredient of his interaction with this woman. I cant say she is completely to be blamed because maybe the OP gets off on the idea of spending on this woman - almost like a fetish. And she caters to his needs by asking for more, and they are both bound by this circle of spending-gabbing-pushing-pulling. Link to comment
unhappiest2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Author Share Posted December 25, 2011 maybe the OP gets off on the idea of spending on this woman Categorically NO. The OP (me) does NOT get off on it. He wants a normal relationship. Please read the thread, if you have the time. I had no idea at the start of things it was going to take the turn it did... Link to comment
DN Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 You have got to walk away from this woman and never, ever look back no matter what she says or does. Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Categorically NO. The OP (me) does NOT get off on it. He wants a normal relationship. Please read the thread, if you have the time. I had no idea at the start of things it was going to take the turn it did... OK but then it should be less difficult to walk away from her. She wants to be a princess, royalty, and I think many guys end up with women like these and enjoy the whole spending-on-my-princess angle. Heck even I do to some extent. But you did not manage expectations and showed her too much money too soon. So maybe find a new princess and start slower! Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Its like start at the $10 minimum table in las vegas. Dont sit at the $100 table your first outing. Its like that. Link to comment
unhappiest2011 Posted December 25, 2011 Author Share Posted December 25, 2011 ... DN, you are a man of few words but some considerable directness. Thank you for responding. Why do I not feel rage and anger at what has happened, but instead just deep hurt, regret and sorrow? Stockholm Syndrome? Delayed reaction? Low emotional IQ? Link to comment
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