Flirting with a married man but he denies

[Batya33]

It's not adultery without intercourse but there's a whole range of inappropriate behavior when it comes to being in a committed relationship or being involved with someone who is in a committed relationship. You're not off the hook ethically just because you stop short of touching/having sex. I know I'd be very uncomfortable having a female friend who had your values and behaved as you do and it has nothing to do with being concerned about you flirting with my husband. I don't need to think you're having an affair to believe that what you're doing is inappropriate and that your reasons behind it reflect a sad state of affairs in your personal life- pun intended. I don't care if you think all men cheat or that you will be cheated on if you marry - that's not the standard of behavior towards others who do not share your minority view. If you truly wanted to be friends with these men you would do the right thing and keep your distance as soon as the line between platonic/harmless flirting and what you described in your posts was crossed.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who tried to tell me by phone the night before his wedding that it could have been me as the bride (we had dated briefly in the distant past and I was friends with them and going to the wedding)-I cut him off mid-sentence, pretended I didn't hear the first part, congratulated him again enthusiastically and ended the conversation as smoothly as possible. I didn't want him ever to remember saying the rest of the sentence to me -what he thought was his business and they've been happily married for years.

 

You'll feel a lot cleaner/more peaceful if you choose to be a true friend and while you may be forced to look closely at why you need this type of attention from married men and while you might feel lonely for awhile it hopefully will motivate you to replace playing with fire and with people's lives with something that actually contributes to others if not to the world.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess the key thing here is the chemistry between you. Even though you haven't technically done anything which is crossing the line, there's a difference between having a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex where there's no chemistry, and having the kind of scenario you describe. Also, we all know when we're trying to kid ourselves - and I suspect that if you were OK with the situation, you wouldn't need to be posting on here.

 

I know how powerful the chemistry can be - common sense just goes out of the window, we rationalise, defend the indefensible and try and tell ourselves that it will all be all right. But, for yourself, you need to walk away from this one now - or you're really setting yourself up to be hurt in the near future.

 

It's sad that you think men are only interested in you if they want to bang you, or that most men will cheat. Unfortunately, this is likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy which will cause you a lot of pain - until you look at the lack of self-esteem, hurt and disappointment which lies beneath it and deal with it.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you should step outside yourself a moment and consider how others perceive you. I would think you'd want your peers and especially your boss to respect you. As it is now, people see you as the single girl that takes gifts and dinners with all the married guys around town. That doesn't reflect well on your character. You are not only hurting these couples, but also your reputation. You do want to keep your job, right? You may not be in the bed with these men, but others will not think that. I guess you don't care though.

 

Right now in my hometown, there is a woman that just lost her job because of something similar. She can't understand why SHE is unemployed and all those men are still working. Says she is hiring an attorney.

 

Consider there are some women that would call your company and report you're around town with their husbands. It happens and that is when the trouble starts for you.

[annie24]

yeah, because then you get the reputation as the kind of woman not to be trusted around married men.

 

if you are looking for interesting people/personalities - why not volunteer at an old folks' home? those people have lived a lot of life, and probably have some very interesting stories/memories to share.

[baxxter]

yeah, because then you get the reputation as the kind of woman not to be trusted around married men.

 

if you are looking for interesting people/personalities - why not volunteer at an old folks' home? those people have lived a lot of life, and probably have some very interesting stories/memories to share.

 

How did you think I meet so many interesting older married men?

[baxxter]

My bosses do know all about them. They asked once if I was having an affair with one, and after me giving straight, honest answer they were quite impressed, because these guys are not that easy to talk to. They see us (me and another guy, not in topic) talk and all and know are in order.

 

I think you are thinking far too worse for what it is.

[Ariel85]

Personally, I'd be very insulted if I was always getting hit on by married men, so I'm unsure why you're bragging about it.

 

It means they view you as easy bait, someone not worth getting to know, and someone to use just for sex.

 

You see it as some kind of cool validation that you're attractive or something, and you seem very self-entitled that you see nothing wrong with flirting with married men, but I can assure you they don't respect you if this is how they come on to you.

[bostonbruins44]

My bosses do know all about them. They asked once if I was having an affair with one, and after me giving straight, honest answer they were quite impressed, because these guys are not that easy to talk to. They see us (me and another guy, not in topic) talk and all and know are in order.

 

I think you are thinking far too worse for what it is.

Most women would likely be embarassed if they thought their bosses suspected them of having an affair with a married man .They likely noticed obvious flirtatious behaviour on your part because it obviously isn't a subject that would be easy to address.

[baxxter]

Right, now I am bragging about it!!

I said they all want to bang me, didn't I?

 

this is going nowhere, and you are not even discussing the point any more, not even close.

[metrogirl]

Yeah that is kinda bragging.

 

Right, now I am bragging about it!!

I said they all want to bang me, didn't I?

 

I'm sure these married men already have female friends (probably friends of their wives) that he/they could socialize with. If he is hungry, he could be taking his wife out to dinner. I think you like the attention they give you but I guarantee you there is a wife out there that wouldn't be pleased knowing her husband wants to 'bang' another woman that he takes out to dinner. Just because you say you won't sleep with these men, isn't detering them from pursuing you. They pursue you because you let them.

[penelope13]

What is the point? - Having reread your initial post, I think your questions have been answered:

 

1. - yes, he is waiting to get a green signal from you to get more involved

2. - yes, you should remove yourself from this situation to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

[annie24]

My questions;

1. I think he is waiting for me to make a move so it will be MY fault if anything happens; am I right?

2. I am crazy about him so I don't want to lose him, but should I stop associating with this man before it goes wrong?

 

so, back on point..... i think these are the wrong questions. yes, questions can be wrong. i think that the right question is, "Why do I think so little of myself that I spend my time thinking/worrying about married men?"

[Miss Firecracker]

My bosses do know all about them. They asked once if I was having an affair with one, and after me giving straight, honest answer they were quite impressed, because these guys are not that easy to talk to. They see us (me and another guy, not in topic) talk and all and know are in order.

 

I think you are thinking far too worse for what it is.

 

If your boss is quizzing you, this is going down a dangerous path. But I will not convince you of that. None of us will. I'd be mortified if my boss had to ask me that question. It seems you aren't even affected by that, as if you don't understand how serious it is.

 

I can't imagine why your boss was impressed. Possibly he wanted you to think he was, but I highly doubt he was.

[abitbroken]

There is a BIG difference between being interested in an interesting conversation and showing interest in a man. There was a man who professed interest in me, but I was not interested for a variety of reasons (i was trying to work it out with a boyfriend, etc.). And I was able to understand that he was, but not lead him on or give him any hope whatsoever. I kept conversations on the tasks at hand only.

 

Obviously, people are confused about the difference or you are. When you are interested in what someone has to say, you give them your attention, but are still mindful that you are on your way to the copy room or that you have a task at hand. You listen for a little while and say "i never knew that, that's interesting." and then you make your way to where you needed to go. When you show interest in THEM, you not only listen to a conversation, you make it a point to seek them out again and say "tell me more" or bombard them with emails. Or talk about going to the event and saying "oh poor me, I have no one to go with." Platonic coworkers sometimes have lunch together. Someone may say "hey, I am going to Taco Hut, do you want to go or want me to pick something up?" And the uninterested coworker who doesn't want to show the wrong interest sometimes goes and sometimes says "i am not in the mood for Taco Hut. Have fun. I'm doing something else." The interested coworker says. "no, not Taco Hut, let's go to Burger barn together. you don't want burger barn? Then let's go for chinese together."

 

You have this concept where you are portraying yourself as a victim or someone who "these things happen to" and are oblivious completely to your part in it. if this were to happen with one married man in someone's whole life, well then maybe be pursued the gal, but you are serial. They say "fool me once, shame on you," "fool me twice, shame on me." I think when something happens repeatedly it is not the 'state of the world' but its us.

 

Don't be so available. If a man asks you to lunch and not "amy and jane from accounting and bill from marketing and I are going to Taco Hut. Do you want to come with us?" then fine, but do not accept any invitation from a solo man - married or not. And even better for YOU is to cultivate some female friendships so you aren't available to these guys at all. I don't know what the thrill is, but I really think you should speed date or join Lunchdates or seek male companionship elsewhere. Or if you want to be around men but don't want one who will actually be interested in you, make some gay male friends. Because the "oh, how could he get the wrong idea about little old me who goes to dinner with him, etc." act wears quickly.

[abitbroken]

If your boss is quizzing you, this is going down a dangerous path. But I will not convince you of that. None of us will. I'd be mortified if my boss had to ask me that question. It seems you aren't even affected by that, as if you don't understand how serious it is.

 

I can't imagine why your boss was impressed. Possibly he wanted you to think he was, but I highly doubt he was.

 

Take your boss' questioning as a warning. Your private life is not their business, but it is your boss' business if it is affecting their staff. There may be policies about dating in the workplace. Sorry, going out to dinner and someone professing that they wouldn't mind sleeping with the other is dating even if you protest it's nothing. Also, they could very well know the wives of these men from company outings or because their wife is friendly with some of them. It doesn't matter if you are actually sleeping with them or not.

[annie24]

If your boss is quizzing you, this is going down a dangerous path. But I will not convince you of that. None of us will. I'd be mortified if my boss had to ask me that question. It seems you aren't even affected by that, as if you don't understand how serious it is.

 

I can't imagine why your boss was impressed. Possibly he wanted you to think he was, but I highly doubt he was.

 

I agree totally. I also doubt that the bosses' were 'impressed.' if they've noticed something is going on, it's not good or professional.

[abitbroken]

I agree totally. I also doubt that the bosses' were 'impressed.' if they've noticed something is going on, it's not good or professional.

 

BTW, if you have trouble reading social cues from men or crossing boundaries, maybe you misinterpreted your boss. I wouldn't assume your boss was impressed with interpreting facial expressions. Your boss maybe merely stopped questioning you or couldn't get you to admit anything so stopped.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm not sure what you meant by impressed. The way I took it, you think your boss was in awe that this VIP sort of guy was interested in what you have to say...that you somehow managed to WOW him with your intelligence. I think your boss was being cheeky with you.

[browney2]

I have dealt with so may married men, honest, I am pretty much expert on the subject, NORMALLY. I don't fall for their stories, and I know exactly what they want, and I know exactly whose they are. I have been on drink things with many married men, and have been on dinner stuff with a few, and NOTHING has ever happened.

 

The only difference is that YOU LIKE THIS GUY. And that is no small thing. The sooner that you acknowledge that you like him and want to have sex with him the sooner you will realise that the situation is unworkable because HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. You have set your standards so stick to them. A relationship with a married man is beneath your dignity. Trust me I know from experience

[lavenderdove]

>>'because I do seriously hate adulterers who think they are having the relationship so dramatic and pure etc. etc. in the reality they are just being animals! '

 

You know, what bleeds thru in all your posts is that you have serious issues with men and marriage and probably need some counseling.

 

You are working out issues that perhaps stem from your childhood or hurt from relationships, where you don't want a relationship and hence are acting out by testing your 'power' with these older married men. Perhaps you came from a family where your father neglected you (or was absent), or he cheated on your mother, or you hated your mother and are getting even with her mentally by fooling around with other women's husband, or were jealous of your mother and had a special/unhealthy bond of some kind with your father.

 

You have lots of false assumptions too about marriage and relationships and men in general... i think you would seriously benefit from some counseling to understand why your attitude is unhealthy not only for yourself, but it's all really not a nice thing at all to dandle yourself in front of older married men saying 'look but don't touch.' You are not respecting yourself, the married man, or his wife and family when you do this kind of thing, just working out some issues that clearly indicate you need counseling.

 

It is normal to want a real partner, to want to form bonds, both emotional and sexual with a partner, and you are actively avoiding it and instead toying with a bunch of married men. You are deeply enjoying this game, but it is an unhealthy game for you and won't lead to happiness.

 

And what are you doing to do in 5 years when you start looking like every other middle aged woman (and older men's wives)? and these married guys stop paying attention to you because you are no longer a hot piece they need to puff up their ego? Because that WILL happen. Older middle aged women frequently become 'invisible' on that spectrum, and your trying to engage them then will seem pitiful and sad rather than sexy. You had better have something else in your life then, because you will be very empty and alone when that happens.

 

So please consider therapy. That is not a critcism, but concern for the fact that you don't realize how sad it is for you to reject all potential available partners and REAL connections, subsituting instead these hollow power/triangle games you are playing with married men and their wives and families.

[Miss Firecracker]

Older middle aged women frequently become 'invisible' on that spectrum, and your trying to engage them then will seem pitiful and sad rather than sexy. You had better have something else in your life then, because you will be very empty and alone when that happens.

 

How true. How very true.

 

And there will be younger girls taking your place. You will be so depressed when this happens. You will have nothing left but a tarnished reputation. It's never too late to change though. People are very forgiving if they see an effort. We all make mistakes...I have and I'm sure others of us here have too.

[metrogirl]

How true. How very true.

 

And there will be younger girls taking your place. You will be so depressed when this happens. You will have nothing left but a tarnished reputation. It's never too late to change though. People are very forgiving if they see an effort. We all make mistakes...I have and I'm sure others of us here have too.

 

True, so true.

 

What's key is admitting that we have made a mistake and taking steps to ensure it never happens again.

 

OP, you have been given some excellent advice and words of wisdom here. I hope some of it registers with you.

[Miss Firecracker]

I thought flirting was harmless when I was younger. But as I had more experience I realized it could cause pain to other people. There is no need for flirting, and it DOES hurt others. It also makes you look silly. So why do it?

 

Yes, everyone knows when you are flirting. They see you tilting your head and stroking your hair and they feel the vibes in the air. And that makes everyone so uncomfortable.

[baxxter]

Don't be so available. If a man asks you to lunch and not "amy and jane from accounting and bill from marketing and I are going to Taco Hut. Do you want to come with us?" then fine, but do not accept any invitation from a solo man - married or not. And even better for YOU is to cultivate some female friendships so you aren't available to these guys at all. I don't know what the thrill is, but I really think you should speed date or join Lunchdates or seek male companionship elsewhere. Or if you want to be around men but don't want one who will actually be interested in you, make some gay male friends. Because the "oh, how could he get the wrong idea about little old me who goes to dinner with him, etc." act wears quickly.

 

I don't lead them on. I may entertain the idea for them, but they KNOW they won't get me.

Anyway, I have done all those thing you have suggested before, all fun, might do them again, but I am truly happy as a single person whose purpose on life is to work hard and keep roof over one's head. I am happy not to have social life, TBH.

 

But thank you for advices, I really do appreciate them.

[baxxter]

Take your boss' questioning as a warning. Your private life is not their business, but it is your boss' business if it is affecting their staff. There may be policies about dating in the workplace. Sorry, going out to dinner and someone professing that they wouldn't mind sleeping with the other is dating even if you protest it's nothing. Also, they could very well know the wives of these men from company outings or because their wife is friendly with some of them. It doesn't matter if you are actually sleeping with them or not.

 

Nah, they were curious because the guy was financier to us and my boss was wondering if he can make me flirt harder to squeeze money out or not, and I said we are just friends. Sorry, but the actual life is not that sexy!