Flirting with a married man but he denies

[baxxter]

Hello all>

 

I need some advices but firstly please let me state on these;

1. I will not have an affair with a married man,

2. I know he likes me.

 

I met this guy through another married friend (male) of mine, we work in the same industry, and after a few months of talking just work we became rather close. He is a lot older than me, but so are most of my friends (and all are married) so this was not new to me.

 

What was new was that I developed a serious crush on him, and he seems to reciprocate, too. He is always giving me ideas and tips on my work, and emails me while at work to just chat, and gradually started asking me out etc.

 

I said no at first, and said I cannot be having an affair with a married guy,

 

and he said that wasn't his intention. I didn't really believe that.

 

He continues to text me, sending me sweets, calls me etc. etc. and all those on a light flirt level, and all the while he insisted that he fancies me because am a looker, but will not act on it.

 

I then went out for a dinner, and we just talk about our lives, it was very civil and innocent. No touching, nothing at all.

 

Then after he started to call me to say good night... this was a bit too much so I asked,

"Do you "like" me, don't you?"

(That's me asking him if he wanted to f*** me.)

and he says,

"Is that a problem?"

 

So I said, again, that I cannot, and he says that really isn't his idea of our friendship, he likes me a lot and fancies me but that's that. He just wants us to be friends.

 

My questions;

1. I think he is waiting for me to make a move so it will be MY fault if anything happens; am I right?

2. I am crazy about him so I don't want to lose him, but should I stop associating with this man before it goes wrong?

 

I have dealt with MANY married men, always managed not to get involved with them, but I really like him, and that is exactly why I will not get involved with him (I don't want him to destroy his family, nor I want to have him for a min only to lose him.)

[Batya33]

There is no relevance to your first question -completely hypothetical since you insist you don't want to continue playing with fire. Number two - you don't have him in the first place so there's nothing to lose -all you have is a man who needs an ego boost from the flirting you do with him and if it's not you he'll find someone else quickly. So walking away is not losing him because you don't have anything with him -not a friendship certainly because if he cared for you as a friend he would distance himself from you because of your behavior and the chemistry between youm

[pbsurf]

You know the answer. If you continue to communicate with him in any way other than strictly for business, then you are going down the path of infidelity. Period. You have already gone too far with him - that is if you are truthful about your intentions (of never getting involved w/a married man).

 

So, either be more truthful with yourself and your moral standards (its ok to get involved w/a married man...) or

 

stop talking with him,

 

it really is that simple.

[Firiel]

Cut contact with him. He's married and treating you like a romantic prospect. Unless he and his wife are in an open marriage, that is inappropriate behavior.

[engraved2008]

Well....just discuss his situation and see how you and him feell.And if you and him are discreet and love each other take your chances. I do not like people that judge.Just follow your heart.

[Ariel85]

 

1. I will not have an affair with a married man,

 

 

1. I think he is waiting for me to make a move so it will be MY fault if anything happens; am I right?

2. I am crazy about him so I don't want to lose him, but should I stop associating with this man before it goes wrong?

 

You're playing with fire, and you know it.

 

First off, you can't LOSE him. He's not yours to lose. He belongs to someone else. HIS WIFE.

 

Stop all communication pronto. Find a single guy who's available for you.

[annie24]

Well....just discuss his situation and see how you and him feell.And if you and him are discreet and love each other take your chances. I do not like people that judge.Just follow your heart.

 

wow. what a well thought out answer.

 

OP - if you don't want to have an affair with a married man, why is there anything to discuss? stop these dinners and go get dinners with single men. he seems like a waste of time. keep things professional at work.

[lostandhurt]

This guy is a cheater. He is waiting you out until you give in one day and sleep with him.

 

He wants to cheat on his wife with you no matter what he says. Calling you to say goodnight? Seriously? This guy is working you are so you fall for him so you will find some excuse to be with him. I am surprised he hasn't told you how terrible his wife is to him and they haven't had sex in months or years and he is just staying in the marriage for the children.

 

Time to walk away from this before it goes to far.

 

Lost

[shes2smart]

Well....just discuss his situation and see how you and him feell.And if you and him are discreet and love each other take your chances. I do not like people that judge.Just follow your heart.

 

......the problem is neither of them is following their "heart." They're following body parts that are located somewhat below the heart.

 

Those body parts generally don't make the best decisions for us.

 

Also...isn't "not liking people that judge" making a judgement?

 

Just sayin'.

[baxxter]

I have dealt with so may married men, honest, I am pretty much expert on the subject, NORMALLY. I don't fall for their stories, and I know exactly what they want, and I know exactly whose they are. I have been on drink things with many married men, and have been on dinner stuff with a few, and NOTHING has ever happened. They about their wives, I put a nice smile on and listen, and they go home and appeciate that what they got is actually good. That's what I'm good at.

 

The things is, his action really just goes against all the "typical" behaviours I am used to.

 

I can still lose him as a friend, IF you believe in friendship between a single girl and a married man. *Mind you, it's a pretense friendship as one - often man - wants sex out of this, but as long as it does not get physical all the parties involved still declare it to be friendship, and that does work.

 

Like stated I will not pursue physical relationship with this guy, I like him too much to do a casual thing like that, and in this part am following my heart. (My heart screams I like this man so leave him alone for sex.)

 

IF, and I mean IF, his intentions are honorable regardless of his heavy flirting, it would be silly to stop talking to this man. The rule, really, is that as long as you don't touch it it's clean, no?

 

I know he is not the kind to leave his wife, and I am not the kind to be happy with mistress status, so it's either platonic, or nothing. I just am not sure platonic thing is do-able.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's obvious that his intentions are not honorable. Also, if you sincerely believe this is a platonic friendship, I'm sure you would want to meet his wife, and possibly be friends with her, too.

[baxxter]

When you are "friend" with married man you do not meet his wife, pretty much out of respect!

 

These guys are meeting me to experience some spicy feelings without breaking their marriage vows, and their wives simply do not need to know about it. Why let them know? Nothing is going on!!

 

I don't really wish to meet his wife because it will complicate things. As soon as it becomes 3-sum thing then we kinda admit that we made the effort of making it into 3-way friendship because we felt guilty; at the moment everything still is innocent.

[Batya33]

Because it's inconsistent with being in a committed relationship to get your thrills by hanging out with someone of the opposite sex. That's not friendship -in true friendship the person wants you to meet his/her spouse if possible. There's plenty of inappropriate behavior that isn't outright adultery and you calling this a "friendship" means you're complicit in the inappropriate behavior. My husband and I don't have secret friends -I doubt many couples do. Sounds like you're trying to rationalize getting your thrills by being the repository of these men's venting sessions and cheap thrills. Don't you have better things to do with your life?

[baxxter]

I rather not sleep with people I talk to in order to get stimulating conversation. And I am tired of your tone of comments. You are judgmental beyond reasonable, have it your way, you are not helping anyone.

If you want to believe in marriage to be that sacred, then sorry, you are wrong. There are lots of border-line cheating which involves no sex nor emotional cheating.

[shes2smart]

When you are "friend" with married man you do not meet his wife, pretty much out of respect!

 

These guys are meeting me to experience some spicy feelings without breaking their marriage vows, and their wives simply do not need to know about it. Why let them know? Nothing is going on!!

 

I don't really wish to meet his wife because it will complicate things. As soon as it becomes 3-sum thing then we kinda admit that we made the effort of making it into 3-way friendship because we felt guilty; at the moment everything still is innocent.

 

Wow.

 

 

Do you really, honestly believe that? Because if you do that has got to be some of the most messed-up thinking I've seen in quite some time. The amount of rationalization going on in that post is.....amazing.

 

I think you like a lot of drama in your life. Being "friends" (wink, wink nudge, nudge) with married men is a sure-fire way to get it. Unfortunately, it's also a good way to end up getting very badly hurt as well.

 

Best of luck to you. I'd be willing to wager some serious cash that you're going to need it.

[baxxter]

Must say there are lots of things out there that you don't know, dear. You'd be surprised.

 

There is no friendship between a man and a woman, unless they pretend. That IS the truth. And it works.

 

I have been doing this for so many years and I can honestly say the only people got it wrong was the people around me who gossiped.

I have not done anything wrong (no sex) and because I have never interfered with their lifves, but remained to be someone they can talk to on occasions, I have not sinned my life.

 

Why would I get hurt, I wonder. I have no feelings for my male friends, not romantically, they are my friends whom I love very much but not romantically, while they may lust after me but never say so or act on it.

 

It happens, no matter how incredible you find it. I have a handful of "friends" like that.

[abitbroken]

There has to be something that you are doing also if you report that you have been out for drinks and dinners with married men so "know" all about them. When you say "these guys are meeting me to experience some spicy feelings," it is like you are a professional at it. Once might be a whoops but you are serial. Why? Sometimes I feel some married men just go hit on girls if they are not happy but usually they don't - but somehow you have a big billboard over your head for them. Maybe the inappropriateness doesn't start at their flirting but your giving them the green light to begin with. Maybe you are a bit too flirty in your conversation yourself and you sort of create it too. I think the first thing to do is stop having dinner with married men. Period. Go on a dating site looking for SINGLE men if you thirst for male companionship. At work, don't bat your eyelashes or straigthen their ties. Don't respond to chatty emails, only respond to work related ones. If one asks you to grab a bite, say "NO." If its a lunch with coworkers thing make sure several other coworkers are with you or better yet eat your lunch in.

[baxxter]

abitbroken

Thank you so much for a very sensible advice.

HOWEVER, I am not a flirt and they (these men) all said that I appeared to disliked them at first.

I am also not looking to date; 7 months post break-up, not ready and don't think I will ever be.

 

Some of these married men really just met through friends while I was non-single. I still befriended them because they are fascinating as human being, and there was no risk for me accidentally hooking up with them (no interest, being in love with my bf.)

 

Older men like younger women who show interests, don't they? That is the very base of what I have. I just happen to be a bit more interesting in conversation, so many of them wouldn't get bored. Nothing more.

[abitbroken]

abitbroken

Thank you so much for a very sensible advice.

HOWEVER, I am not a flirt and they (these men) all said that I appeared to disliked them at first.

I am also not looking to date; 7 months post break-up, not ready and don't think I will ever be.

 

Some of these married men really just met through friends while I was non-single. I still befriended them because they are fascinating as human being, and there was no risk for me accidentally hooking up with them (no interest, being in love with my bf.)

 

Older men like younger women who show interests, don't they? That is the very base of what I have. I just happen to be a bit more interesting in conversation, so many of them wouldn't get bored. Nothing more.

 

There you go - you are showing interest. Showing interest whether it is actual interest or not doesn't matter. You are talking like you are explaining your "services" here, like a hire-a-date. I think that is awfully codependent to see the "need" that some married men have and try to be that or fill it rather than saying to yourself "Married - off limits." Don't kid yourself that "its safe because you had a boyfriend" or not. It can still turn into an emotional affair at worse and egging on a married man at best. I think you don't want to meet the wives because then that gives a face to the woman who is being hurt by her husband flirting with a sweet young thing. And you ARE doing something. You have to be flirting, otherwise how are you showing them "interest" that leads them to focus on you and not just go out with random coworkers.

 

BTW, by accepting candies from married men and going to lunch or dinner, it is like you are dating despite how you say that you might not be ready for another relationship. Even if its not always the same dude. You are yanking their chains.

[Miss Firecracker]

So, this is something like a hobby? Something that hurts no one, right?

 

You will find out someday, when you've been married 30 years and your own husband takes up this hobby.

[Batya33]

It's not a friendship if he lusts after you and especially if he tells you and it's not a friendship if he affirmatively doesn't want his wife to know about it. You are interfering by being complicit in a secret friendship and encouraging the lusting by continuing to have drinks/dinner with these men. It's sad that that's the kind of ego boost you need. Do you believe in karma?

[baxxter]

abitbroken,

Of course I am showing interest, how else do you have conversation with someone? Do you always look absolutely bored to death when talking to peopel?

I used to be a barmaid and everytime I got engaged in conversation people told me that I seemed to be really interested in them. Maybe I am good at looking interested? Don't know, but I just am curious about anyone!

 

Miss Firecracker

Of course he will. Most men cheat. If I ever gonna get married (which I cannot see coming at all) I expect my partner to look elsewhere down the line. It's not nice, but I think it's in their system to spread their seeds, and whether it is a physical or mental cheating they will be unfaithful to some degree!

 

I will not comment on your attacks, and I am not going to even mention your name, but if you think there IS such thing as friendship between man and woman without any element of sexual ideas then we just simply live in different planets.

 

I am not here to defend myself, and I have already decided what I have been doing was not wrong, as well as that I will not get involved with this man because I like him too much. I am just trying to determine where is the line. With other married "friends" it goes on and on and nothing has ever happens. All his mates know about me, some of them might have told his wives about me, and I never have gotten into troubles. So maybe with this man I can just go on and on.. as long as we can stop at that. Or is it too risky, not sure?

[Miss Firecracker]

abitbroken,

Miss Firecracker

Of course he will. Most men cheat. If I ever gonna get married (which I cannot see coming at all) I expect my partner to look elsewhere down the line. It's not nice, but I think it's in their system to spread their seeds, and whether it is a physical or mental cheating they will be unfaithful to some degree!

 

That's fine if you want to live that lifestyle. Believe it or not, many men aren't doing this. I have a sister that has cheated all her life. She always told me that EVERYONE cheats. I think it takes that mentality to sooth the guilt you feel when going out of your way to encourage the downfall of other people. She finally woke up and changed her behavior.

 

Oh, and that line...you crossed it long ago.

[Miss Firecracker]

What was new was that I developed a serious crush on him, and he seems to reciprocate, too.

 

He continues to text me, sending me sweets, calls me etc. etc. and all those on a light flirt level, and all the while he insisted that he fancies me because am a looker, but will not act on it.

 

I then went out for a dinner, and we just talk about our lives, it was very civil and innocent. No touching, nothing at all.

 

Then after he started to call me to say good night... this was a bit too much so I asked,

"Do you "like" me, don't you?"

(That's me asking him if he wanted to f*** me.)

and he says,

"Is that a problem?"

 

I would say ALL of this crossed the line.

[penelope13]

People who believe that it's not possible to have purely platonic relationships between men and women, base this believe on their own incapability/unwillingness to interact with someone from the opposite sex without having some kind of attraction for them - so it's a conscious decision not to have purely platonic friends. There must be hundreds of people of the opposite sex in their surroundings that they don't feel any attraction for, yet they choose only to interact with the ones were there is some potential.

 

I have many male friends who I don't see in any kind of romantic/sexual light, but because they are interesting/nice human beings. However being their friend also means that I am interested in all aspects of their life, including their partners, thus the more personal my interaction is with someone, the more I would want to meet the people who are important to them. It doesn't mean that I have to like or be best buddies with the partner of a friend, but I will at least be supportive of that aspect of my friends life.

 

That is what true friendship is. As soon as you have to start hiding your friendship, you know you have crossed a line. Simple as that.