Do You Parent Like A Chinese Mom or A Western Mom?

[RougeKali823]

LOL I guess I give a masculine vibe.

 

=] It's okay. Not your fault. LOL

 

LOL, I caught that your ex was a guy and was like OH!

[rocio]

I think I've agreed with you quite a few times in this thread. I'm talking about Guys in particular my mom and tons of other women have already demonstrated that long term planning can happen post devastation. The goal should be to plan ahead though, is what I am saying. I will not have to repeat my mom's struggle because she's taught me better through tough love and now that I'm older (lots of hugs lol). I think people here seem to think I mean all sorts of things that I don't. Juts gotta ask me and I will always clarify. I have no problem back tracking if it means someone will understand things a bit better.

 

You only think we agree because I`m not at the opposite extreme to you. Because I`m not white trailer trash living off welfare, you think we have something in common. But we are fundamentally different.

[petite]

I think it is absolutely ridiculous to say that one race is academically more successful than others. As for the lady in questions parenting ways, I think she should be ashamed for saying what she said in that article.

[Circe]

My MIL parented her children in a way not dissimilar to that in the article. She ended up with two very different "finished products" (not that they are finished). One is a highly motivated high achiever - who loves to learn and loves to achieve.. but is prone to becoming depressed when the environment is against him (as I try to tell him, being great at what you do may be enough over the long term, but it isnt going to be enough every day.. there will be days when you need a bit of luck to get to where you want to be and luck is something you don't always have control over so you can't let it bring you down).

 

The other is very unmotivated, can't hold a job and acts like a kid who didnt quite grow up because he "rebelled" and has an inferiority complex because he felt he couldnt meet the standard his parents needed for him to be "good enough".

 

Honestly, this is one of the reasons I fear having kids. The potential of screwing them up. My personal views on this are quite strong. I want to parent by telling them that there is a wide open world of possibilities and options. I want to teach them that you need a certain amount of money to be comfortable and happy in life and that financial responsibility is important, but that money will not make you happy and the really important thing is to find a career that makes them happy while paying the bills - not just to go for the highest paying career they can find or the most prestigious. Prestige and money cannot buy happiness.

 

I want to teach them to care for others - and I want to teach them that they are loved and cared for. I want to teach them not to waste life or their opportunities by say.. doing drugs.. or spending their life playing a computer game 24/7 because that prohibits them from growing emotionally and as people and seeing what the world really has to offer. I want to teach them that its ok to be themselves. I want them to feel that putting effort into academics is important because it is something that will help them grow and build their minds etc - and that getting higher grades can open more options up for them but at the end of the day - they have to know what their strengths are and what makes them happy.. provided they are financially responsibile and realistic.

 

So yeah - I want to be a support and encourage parent. If my kid JUST manages to pass a course that I know is difficult for him/her, I want to say "you did really well, I'm so proud of you, well done" I don't want to say "you could have done better". The latter breaks my heart.

 

I'm a bit worried that my H would parent the Chinese Mom way.

 

Wait..

 

Ok - I just asked him. We heard and discussed this article yesterday btw so he knows what I'm talking about.

 

Me: "Whats better the Chinese mom in the article or the western one?"

Him: Western

Me: "Really??"

Him: Well you need a comfortable middle ground between the two.

Me: "But you always said you'd push the academics"

Him: "Yeah but I wouldnt call me kid 'garbage!'

Me: "Ok, what if he came home with an average grade, what would you say?'

Him: Well it depends on his previous grade - whether there was an improvement or not. If there was an improvement I'd say well done - you put your all into it and that's very good.

Me: What if it was the first time he'd done this and he seemed really chuffed with the mark, but you knew he hadnt put all his effort into it?

Him: "Id say, son - thats good.. but you could have done better if you put your all in".

 

Wow I have to say.. thats not as bad as I expected. Of course we'll never really know till we get there but I thought he'd be a LOT worse..

[Sanesoul]

I haven't read through all the responses, but I've found that what works for my daughter is just plain old communication. She responds well to an explanation of why she shouldn't do something, and she usually won't repeat bad behavior. As for academics, we work together to keep tabs on how she is doing. If she is having trouble with something, we go through it together so I can see where the problem is. Right now, she is having a bit of trouble with her math, and last night I spent about an hour going through some problems with her step by step so she got a better grasp on how to do them. Once I let her go on her own, she did fantastically.

 

I think the key to great parenting is just being involved and conscious of what is happening in your child's life.

 

There are so many life lessons that children need to learn, and we as parents are their guides. My daughter has learned generosity, charity, faith, love and kindness. She is smart, sweet and very down to earth. She loves us too, so we must be doing something right.

[Sanesoul]

Yes, it is damaging to attach the worth of a human being to a letter grade. Also too I would like to point out many brilliant people when in grade school and even higher did not do well in school initially and yet are some of the most brilliant minds in history.

 

I agree. My husband is a genius, yet he didn't graduate high school. Severe ADD made it impossible. He did go back and get his GED, but school was impossible for him. He would ace every test he had, but he had a tough time concentrating on the daily work. Just acing tests won't get you good grades.

[Firiel]

I want my children to excel at SOMETHING, but what it is doesn't really matter to me. I believe that most people have the ability to really master something, and I believe that mastery and success is very valuable to a person's self-worth (though it shouldn't be the only factor).

 

My husband is very smart. He has an incredible natural inclination towards learning languages and mathematics. However, he's always hated school. He hates the forced-learning aspect of it. He hates learning things he thinks are not applicable to what he wants to do. He hates being assessed. He does fine in school and has about at 3.3 GPA at college right now, but he's never really excelled. What he DOES excel at (among other things) is music. He is an excellent self-taught guitar player and has a wonderful voice. He pushed himself in these areas because it's what he loves. And it's been endlessly useful for him. His music was a large reason he got a great internship he did. He got a great scholarship last year based on his musical ability. He is currently working a part-time job because of his skill. And it will make him WAY more marketable in the field he plans to enter. If my kids turn out just like him- with a passion they continue to nuture and master even into adulthood- I will be thrilled.

 

I want my kids to excel at what they are naturally good at and at what makes them happy. For me, it was literature. Sure, I'll never make much money, but I'll eventually find a job that I love. For a friend of mine, it was dropping out of college, not for a life of poverty and starvation, but to attend a training school so he could work in a recording studio. I think it would be dangerous for me to judge my children by what my standard of success was-- graduating from a well-reputed private college with honors. If I tried to force those values on someone like my husband, it would have disasterous effects. I will push/encourage my children to do well (enough) in school, but I will put more emphasis on encouraging them to excel at what they love.

[Seraphim]

I agree. My husband is a genius, yet he didn't graduate high school. Severe ADD made it impossible. He did go back and get his GED, but school was impossible for him. He would ace every test he had, but he had a tough time concentrating on the daily work. Just acing tests won't get you good grades.

 

Many geniuses can not stand to sit in school and just bleck out repetitious stuff, it makes no sense to them for them to do that. My father has a genius IQ too, but left school and home at 15. Had he not been mentally ill he could have done ANYTHING in the world he wanted to do. One needs more than just a good grade to get by in the world. You have to recognize opportunity, know what you are good at, actually be able to work at what you are good at, know how to read people and be responsive to the need of others. Your emotional IQ also plays a VERY important roll in how well you are going to do in the world. One can be as smart as they want but if they can not hold anything else together they are not going to get too far. People are a whole package not a grade score. And one does not get a healthy emotional IQ by calling a child garbage and treating them like they are never good enough.

[Seraphim]

I think it is absolutely ridiculous to say that one race is academically more successful than others. As for the lady in questions parenting ways, I think she should be ashamed for saying what she said in that article.

 

 

I agree, stating that one or more races are more intellectually/scholastically sound because they had more eastern style parenting is ridiculous. It sounds entirely racist to me and smacks of the 30's in Europe.

[lostnscared]

I'm the same as you. I care more about them mastering what they love, than mastering things they have no interest in but feel pressured into because their parents want to push their own success onto their children.

[RougeKali823]

I agree, stating that one or more races are more intellectually/scholastically sound because they had more eastern style parenting is ridiculous. It sounds entirely racist to me and smacks of the 30's in Europe.

 

What you keep reasserting is based on a misinterpretation of the article. Nowhere is race mentioned. The articles deals with nationality. So I will reiterate that due to imperialism Westerners come in all colors.

[Seraphim]

I am not talking about the article.

[RougeKali823]

I am not talking about the article.

 

This thread is based on an article so please try to stay on topic because I don't want people being confused and an unnecessary debate resulting over a misunderstanding. Most people will not read the earlier pages and I don't want this derailed.

[Cognitive_Canine]

My mother was extremely strict about school and all it did was give me a severe fear of failure. School became less about excelling and more about 'do just enough so I don't get things thrown at me when grades come back'. I'm a very lazy student but teachers always loved me and I have a knack for pulling speeches and papers out of thin air. The two college English classes I took, I didn't read a single book and got through them easily.

 

My mother gave me a crippling fear of failure to where I don't want to try new things or won't tell anyone what I'm trying to succeed at. It's a way to avoid getting chewed out. I rather reject a task or subject than invest passion into it, and have it all thrown back in my face.

[Seraphim]

This thread is based on an article so please try to stay on topic because I don't want people being confused and an unnecessary debate resulting over a misunderstanding. Most people will not read the earlier pages and I don't want this derailed.

 

I am on topic. I am stating my opinion on what people here have said and outright stated, NOT misinterpretation as I can read.

[Seraphim]

My mother was extremely strict about school and all it did was give me a severe fear of failure. School became less about excelling and more about 'do just enough so I don't get things thrown at me when grades come back'. I'm a very lazy student but teachers always loved me and I have a knack for pulling speeches and papers out of thin air. The two college English classes I took, I didn't read a single book and got through them easily.

 

My mother gave me a crippling fear of failure to where I don't want to try new things or won't tell anyone what I'm trying to succeed at. It's a way to avoid getting chewed out. I rather reject a task or subject than invest passion into it, and have it all thrown back in my face.

 

That is what happened to my husband. He is so severely crippled by it he has to be medicated just to function in life.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Also, I don't believe at all that westerners cannot compete with easterners academically. They have stricter study regimens and if I cared to study as much and as intensely, I could. But I simply do not care to. Why invest so many hours and put so much stress on yourself for A's when A-'s or B+'s can be reached with little to no effort?

 

I thought about being an engineer for a long time, but then I realized I didn't enjoy math and wanted a life. Sure I could do it, but I definitely didn't want to.

[rocio]

I agree that this thread seems racist. Throughout this thread, I have said nothing whatsoever that's in line with either the article or the "Chinese" method of parenting. Yet, you say you agree with many of my posts simply because I have an education and expect my children to maintain good grades. It seems that you feel white parents raise slacker, underacheiving children, and any white parents who raise their children to succeed are exceptions. The whole thread is offensive to me.

[RougeKali823]

I agree that this thread seems racist. Throughout this thread, I have said nothing whatsoever that's in line with either the article or the "Chinese" method of parenting. Yet, you say you agree with many of my posts simply because I have an education and expect my children to maintain good grades. It seems that you feel white parents raise slacker, underacheiving children, and any white parents who raise their children to succeed are exceptions. The whole thread is offensive to me.

 

I have addressed this.

[Seraphim]

That is an extreme example but I admire the concept and do feel like Western parenting is not based on actually being competitive sometimes but more on creating little free thinkers who get rewarded just for being kids. I saw it when I worked in schools. It was like their children were royalty or something. They never could academically compete with foreign students though. The Western students who could were usually reared by African or Middle Eastern parents. I don't think there's a superior way but I prefer the tough way.

 

 

Rouge, you keep pointing to an article as a way of saying there are no racist or negative or whatever way you term it comments. You however are not addressing your own negative and what some of us here consider racist comments that you have made more than once in this thread. You keep repeating that white students are not competitive based on how they were raised.

[RougeKali823]

Rouge, you keep pointing to an article as a way of saying there are no racist or negative or whatever way you term it comments. You however are not addressing your own negative and what some of us here consider racist comments that you have made more than once in this thread. You keep repeating that white students are not competitive based on how they were raised.

 

I'm not addressing the issue again as I have now laid out the definition of a Westerner to you three or four times. Please report the post if you find it offensive.

[Seraphim]

What does a a westerner have to do with anything? Does it mean there is no discrimination within one nation? Of course there is. No one said they were not westerners as you put it or were not American, obviously there is more than one nationality in any nation, but to say that one group is inferior scholastically because of parenting is ridiculous.

[RougeKali823]

What does a a westerner have to do with anything? Does it mean there is no discrimination within one nation? Of course there is. No one said they were not westerners as you put it or were not American, obviously there is more than one nationality in any nation, but to say that one group is inferior scholastically because of parenting is ridiculous.

 

Please see a mod and reread the excerpt of mine that you've cited. There you will find that I stated that there is "no superior way but I prefer the tough way." Good luck to you.

[Seraphim]

It is a free forum and people are allowed to comment whether you like it or not.

[sophie274]

That is an extreme example but I admire the concept and do feel like Western parenting is not based on actually being competitive sometimes but more on creating little free thinkers who get rewarded just for being kids. I saw it when I worked in schools. It was like their children were royalty or something. They never could academically compete with foreign students though. The Western students who could were usually reared by African or Middle Eastern parents. I don't think there's a superior way but I prefer the tough way.

 

I must agree with Victoria - in this quote, for example, you say that (white?) Americans cannot compete with foreigners, and that the rare exceptions who can are raised by non-white, non-American parents. That at least comes close enough to prejudice based on ethnicity that it feels like stereotyping and even offensive to several people. I am surprised that you cannot even understand why some people would find this offensive. I think you knew when you posted this that you were posting something attacking the apparently culturally determined and dependent methods of education of a large population of ENA - are you really surprised that a bunch of Westerners are offended the "Western method" of parenting inferior? (I see you have said you don't consider either method superior or inferior, but you have a clear preference and believe that children raised this quote/unquote Western way cannot compete ... there seems to be implicit judgment in that statement).

 

(This is my own personal opinion)