Do You Parent Like A Chinese Mom or A Western Mom?

[RougeKali823]

Be careful going to far over to one side. Not every style works for every child as I said. Some very sensitive people like my husband can be driven to the point of ending their life or having a miserable life because their parents only cared about performance not about the child.

 

My fiance has a similar story but with his son the expectations are still high because he is biracial and as a person of color and he can't afford to not do the best. This was part of the reason I was raised the way I was. Just in case my sex or color was an issue my mother wanted me to be the best candidate period. I had anxiety attacks about perfection as well but I invested in a great therapist in college. Now I realize that for everyone it's not that simple but I didn't get many hugs growing up and I'm not very emotional. My fiance is very emotional however and his parents pressure pushed him to the brink as well.

[Seraphim]

I really think that is a belief adopted by both Westerners and Easterners lol. I'm noticing a large amount of emphasis from posters about a child doing well academically and financially--but do either of these things mean happiness, contentment, joy?

 

Exactly, money does not get you ANY of that. That comes from inside you not outside you. And you know. My husband has a good career with a lot of potential and you know what he is still that afraid little boy crying for daddy's approval and he may do that for the rest of his life because of how they parented him. I wont ever do that to MY son. I want my son to be happy above all.

[Anonymous122]

you're living in a bubble.

 

The U.S. Census Bureau says otherwise:

 

link removed

[rocio]

Exactly, money does not get you ANY of that.

 

Agreed. My career progression and my kids' academic success are important because we are ambitious people. But none of that will ever matter as much as playing, laughing, dancing, cuddling, and loving each other. To deprive a child of fun and acceptance in order to push him or her to succeed just goes against my personal philosophy.

[Anonymous122]

Agreed. My career progression and my kids' academic success are important because we are ambitious people. But none of that will ever matter as much as playing, laughing, dancing, cuddling, and loving each other. To deprive a child of fun and acceptance in order to push him or her to succeed just goes against my personal philosophy.

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting that they won't let their kids have fun, but rather that some people intend to push their children to be competitive as well. There doesn't have to be extremes.

[RougeKali823]

I really think that is a belief adopted by both Westerners and Easterners lol. I'm noticing a large amount of emphasis from posters about a child doing well academically and financially--but do either of these things mean happiness, contentment, joy?

 

As someone who was raised by a mom who didn't initally have those things, yes they do. My mother had a high school diploma when she had me and she was 24. She ended up needing to obtain three degrees in order to adequately care for my siblings and I. Happiness is great but life is not always about that and the last thing you need to worry about when misery steps in is financial pressure. My mom had the misery of losing her mom but prior to that she was happy and making almost nothing. So in addition to burring her mother she had to come up with thousands to pay for her funeral and take care of her 4 siblings. Contentment and joy couldn't help her then. My grandmother was also happy in her profession but she left nothing for her children because she was content and my grandfather saw no need, even though he owned a business. Life is about living and while we'd all like contentment and joy to be consistent during our journeys they aren't always. You rely on what you've learned (both in and out of school) and the financial cushion for those times. I want my kids to be ready for that. This free living scares me because when something unplanned and possibly devastating happens joy will not save them.

[lostnscared]

Agreed. My career progression and my kids' academic success are important because we are ambitious people. But none of that will ever matter as much as playing, laughing, dancing, cuddling, and loving each other. To deprive a child of fun and acceptance in order to push him or her to succeed just goes against my personal philosophy.

 

It's about balance. I see nothing wrong with parents pushing their child to be successful, but why can't their child have fun?

[Anonymous122]

This free living scares me because when something unplanned and possibly devastating happens joy will not save them.

 

Exactly! Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. People can have fun and be successful at the same time.

[The_Seeker]

It's about balance. I see nothing wrong with parents pushing their child to be successful, but why can't their child have fun?

 

Typical Strict Parent answers:

 

"They don't know what they want. They don't know what life is. They're going to blame it on me if things turn out bad in their life. I'm not taking that chance."

 

That's what my mom said when I was young. I still remembered her words to this day.

[Seraphim]

I for one am glad I do not follow the census whatever or statistics and worry more about people developing their worth and happiness and encouraging them to be the best PERSON they can be, not the best competitor. Happiness is everything. Without happiness nothing means much.

 

Anyway we will all raise our kids to do whatever we want them too. I am going to go play a board game with my happy kid.

[RougeKali823]

Who says enormous financial success is the best thing in the world? Some people value other things of just as much or greater value. Money does not make one happy.

 

I don't think anyone here believes that it does but we can't ignore it's value.

[rocio]

I don't think anyone was suggesting that they won't let their kids have fun, but rather that some people intend to push their children to be competitive as well. There doesn't have to be extremes.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I do intend to push my kids to be competitive. But love, happiness, and "fun" matter more to me.

 

I was responding to the article:

 

"Chinese moms churn out whip-smart kids precisely because they don't allow childhood frivolity like sleepovers or play dates, along with just about everything else that is social, fun or distracting, including TV, video games, sleepaway camp and auditioning for the school play. "

[Anonymous122]

I for one am glad I do not follow the census whatever or statistics and worry more about people developing their worth and happiness and encouraging them to be the best PERSON they can be, not the best competitor. Happiness is everything. Without happiness nothing means much.

 

Anyway we will all raise our kids to do whatever we want them too.

 

The census data was just to show that there is a direct correlation between education and financial security. That aside, you're right, we all will. But ultimately, whats going to matter the most is whether or not they can provide for themselves (and their future family) as adults.

[lostnscared]

It isn't about free living, it's about thoughts. The only way things would go wrong and one wouldn't have the money is if they allowed those very thoughts to become the center of their focus. i.e. "oh my gosh mom died, I don't have the money"... "Oh my gosh grandmother left nothing for the kids--she had nothing to show for" "oh my gosh I have 4 kids I need to get a degree to do good for them"

 

If you see it's the thoughts--I don't have the money= the reality is that she didn't have money. She thought it and created that happening.

"I need a degree to do good for them" = The reality that she created was that she needed to get her three degrees to do well for you all because that is what she thought.

 

By simply thinking those thoughts she "created" those situations where she felt that she had to do those very things you've talked about.

 

 

For me those situations would be avoidable, because I would have affirmations to quickly help me change my thought process so I don't go in a negative direction. I am working on this right now, especially with this pregnancy. Even this pregnancy was something I created and planned. Though I didn't plan it. I thought it. Many times. And expressed it on this board. And by thinking it constantly, and expressing the "want", with my thoughts I made it happen.

 

Very interesting right?

 

Again I would just choose to focus on positive, loving thoughts and work with the universe, then to focus on what can go wrong, negativity, or the obstacles that by thinking about I may very well bring on myself.

 

Also do you think that your "fear" is because of your type a personality. Just wondering.

[lostnscared]

I for one am glad I do not follow the census whatever or statistics and worry more about people developing their worth and happiness and encouraging them to be the best PERSON they can be, not the best competitor. Happiness is everything. Without happiness nothing means much.

 

Anyway we will all raise our kids to do whatever we want them too. I am going to go play a board game with my happy kid.

 

I was going to say that. Oh my gosh a week ago I was all into statistics and census, and all that other crap. So glad I reprogrammed my mind and am not allowing these researchers to define my life, my financial success, or my childs.

[RougeKali823]

It's about balance. I see nothing wrong with parents pushing their child to be successful, but why can't their child have fun?

 

They can but today fun seems to be a priority and not a luxury. My friend was pampered by her parents but moved away right after high school in search of fun. She is now on her second child and has mountains of bills and dead goals. Her parents made fun the priority and let her move out early in search of a man named Joy. Now she works at a department store and has two little ones. She is very content but also very broke.

[Anonymous122]

There's something I feel like I need to say. How is the woman with 4 kids and no degree going to support her children, or help THEM go to college? That seems like a terrible example of what you're trying to suggest, because what you're ultimately saying is that its awesome for the woman with 4 kids and no education to perpetuate the poverty cycle.

[Seraphim]

Ahhhhhhh visualization.....the essence of life and it will take you very far indeed. I am so glad you GET IT!

[Seraphim]

They can but today fun seems to be a priority and not a luxury. My friend was pampered by her parents but moved away right after high school in search of fun. She is now on her second child and has mountains of bills and dead goals. Her parents made fun the priority and let her move out early in search of a man named Joy. Now she works at a department store and has two little ones. She is very content but also very broke.

 

If she is happy then why should she be defined by what she does not have?

[Seraphim]

There's something I feel like I need to say. How is the woman with 4 kids and no degree going to support her children, or help THEM go to college? That seems like a terrible example of what you're trying to suggest, because what you're ultimately saying is that its awesome for the woman with 4 kids and no education to perpetuate the poverty cycle.

 

My mom had a HS education and she STILL made it.

[lostnscared]

There's something I feel like I need to say. How is the woman with 4 kids and no degree going to support her children, or help THEM go to college? That seems like a terrible example of what you're trying to suggest, because what you're ultimately saying is that its awesome for the woman with 4 kids and no education to perpetuate the poverty cycle.

 

Wow that is the only thing you took out of the post?

 

I said nothing about whether or not it was awesome she had no education, or whether she didn't need a degree. All I said is that by thinking she needed a degree, she created the "need" for her to get a degree. That was really such a small portion of my overall meaning in that post.

[Anonymous122]

If she is happy then why should she be defined by what she does not have?

 

Because, if there is ever a time that she can't pay rent or buy food for her children due to her own economic decisions, she's failed at being a provider for her children. She is, at that point, directly responsible for her children's suffering. That doesn't sound like good parenting to me. Happiness and responsibility need to be balanced.

[Seraphim]

It is not our job in life however to judge other people by what they do not have, it is to worry about how to make our own self better so we feel no need to poke fingers at others. IMHO.

[lostnscared]

They can but today fun seems to be a priority and not a luxury. My friend was pampered by her parents but moved away right after high school in search of fun. She is now on her second child and has mountains of bills and dead goals. Her parents made fun the priority and let her move out early in search of a man named Joy. Now she works at a department store and has two little ones. She is very content but also very broke.

 

LOL. I guarantee she is broke and with bills, not necessarily because of her parents, but because she probably focused too much on her "lack of money" and her "bills" making both the reality. But there is obviously a balance.

[The_Seeker]

Because, if there is ever a time that she can't pay rent or buy food for her children due to her own economic decisions, she's failed at being a provider for her children. She is, at that point, directly responsible for her children's suffering. That doesn't sound like good parenting to me. Happiness and responsibility need to be balanced.

 

[coughs] I blame the father first. [coughs]