sophie274 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 This is exactly how I feel. I do intend to push my kids to be competitive. But love, happiness, and "fun" matter more to me. I was responding to the article: "Chinese moms churn out whip-smart kids precisely because they don't allow childhood frivolity like sleepovers or play dates, along with just about everything else that is social, fun or distracting, including TV, video games, sleepaway camp and auditioning for the school play. " I absolutely agree with under_my_amberella. The notion that you must stamp out any kind of "childhood frivolity" in order to raise a smart, hard-working, successful (by whose standard?) child is absolutely ridiculous. I work at a very well-known (for its prestige and academic rigor) private school. I can tell you that the very best students are not primarily Chinese or from any minority named in this thread. I see no proof that Western/American kids can't compete with foreigners because their parents are too lax. Critical thinking and creative problem-solving are the name of the game in rigorous secondary school and college education, and acquiring those means letting your child think, explore, etc ... Not to mention, as someone who lives and works with teenagers ... there is so much more to raising a good child that browbeating them into becoming proficient on the violin or getting all As. The teenagers who are the most wonderful, the students you want to get to know and spend time with, are smart, but they're also kind, funny, playful, mischievous, polite, inquisitive, curious, happy to be alive and to be teenagers. The ones who are a mess are those whose parents tell them they are garbage when they don't do well on tests/quizzes - those are the ones with no confidence, who break down if they have an off day, cry daily because of parental pressure. I did the private school thing and the Ivy League, and I'm not going to say that I'm not glad my parents pushed me and encouraged me to push myself, and I won't say that there is not value in the names on my diplomas. It's an advantageous start to life for me, absolutely. But there is so so so much more to raising your child, and you do not have to choose. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Interesting. Caught the "fear" jab. Knew those old threads would come in handy Good luck to you. Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 [coughs] I blame the father first. [coughs] I blame both the father and the mother equally. It takes two to tango. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Interesting. Caught the "fear" jab. Knew those old threads would come in handy Good luck to you. Well you've constantly told me you are a Type A personality. I wonder if that is why you are afraid to be in those situations that have not been planned out or that you aren't prepared for, rather than just going with the flow of life and working with life and your mind? Good luck to you too lol. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Because, if there is ever a time that she can't pay rent or buy food for her children due to her own economic decisions, she's failed at being a provider for her children. She is, at that point, directly responsible for her children's suffering. That doesn't sound like good parenting to me. Happiness and responsibility need to be balanced. Exactly. Happiness will not feed the kids. What do people consider first when they find out they're going to be a parent? Not how happy the kid will be but how they will create an environment for them that might facilitate and sustain that happiness. What do we need to do that? We need jobs, money, a place to live, insurance and more. The only time I've been a witness to a different response is when the soon to be parents is selfish and goes "OMG what is this baby going to do to my happiness?" Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I blame both the father and the mother equally. It takes two to tango. Anyonymous-where are you? I have never encountered a 22 year old male as wise as you...you actually think long term. There is still hope lol. No unplanned devastation for you. Link to comment
rocio Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 There are more than the following two options in life: 1. Get straight A's and go to an Ivy League school 2. Live in poverty Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Exactly. Happiness will not feed the kids. What do people consider first when they find out they're going to be a parent? Not how happy the kid will be but how they will create an environment for them that might facilitate and sustain that happiness. What do we need to do that? We need jobs, money, a place to live, insurance and more. The only time I've been a witness to a different response is when the soon to be parents is selfish and goes "OMG what is this baby going to do to my happiness?" I'm not saying that happiness will feed the kids. All I'm saying is that we define our own realities, our own outcomes etc. Yes I completely agree that a child needs an environment that is positive and happy. But how a person "gets" the food to the child, creates that environment, etc is up to how that person "defines" the way in which they will get those things beginning with their thoughts. Hence for many people the belief is that an education is the way to do it. No thought is wrong either. Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Anyonymous-where are you? I have never encountered a 22 year old male as wise as you...you actually think long term. There is still hope lol. No unplanned devastation for you. Haha, do you mean, where am I geographically? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 A lot of very average people with very average money have very happy lives and their kids do not starve or live in a dumpster. There are many ways to happiness not just wealth. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 There are more than the following two options in life: 1. Get straight A's and go to an Ivy League school 2. Live in poverty Yep there are many options. I think the first option is a great route--I mean if that is what the child wants to. But a parent forcing the child to do both really is more about the parent IMO than the child. Many parents say they are doing what is best for their child, and are ensuring their child success, but in forcing their child to do these things that the child either does not like or has a difficult time wanting to do, is really merely the parent "forcing" their ideas of success and how to get success onto their child. Nothing wrong with it. It just isn't the only way. Again Chua admitted that her method worked well for her first child, but not her second child. Link to comment
rocio Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Anyonymous-where are you? I have never encountered a 22 year old male as wise as you...you actually think long term. There is still hope lol. No unplanned devastation for you. I think long term. That's why I put myself through school, working full time, to get a master's degree by the time I was 24. I did it so I could support myself and my children, in case one day I found myself widowed or divorced. No unplanned devastation here either. LS is also planning to go to grad school in the near future. We're not high school drop outs who live on hugs. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 People that limit themselves to one option all the time end up very frustrated and unhappy because they have no flexibility. Life does not always work the way you want it. You can also fight tooth and nail and think you will get it your way, when thwarted those people are super bitter. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think long term. That's why I put myself through school, working full time, to get a master's degree by the time I was 24. I did it so I could support myself and my children, in case one day I found myself widowed or divorced. No unplanned devastation here either. LS is also planning to go to grad school in the near future. We're not high school drop outs who live on hugs. Exactly. I'll be going to Graduate school next spring, even with my bundle of joy LOL. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Haha, do you mean, where am I geographically? Yes! Where I am all the young people are in baby making but the grands do the parenting while the parents pursue the happiness they discovered was missing only after the daycare bills arrived. Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Yes! Where I am all the young people are in baby making but the grands do the parenting while the parents pursue the happiness they discovered was missing only after the daycare bills arrived. New Hampshire and Massachusetts, its the place to be. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 New Hampshire and Massachusetts, its the place to be. ;] You must be in an ivy league, ey? LOL Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think long term. That's why I put myself through school, working full time, to get a master's degree by the time I was 24. I did it so I could support myself and my children, in case one day I found myself widowed or divorced. No unplanned devastation here either. LS is also planning to go to grad school in the near future. We're not high school drop outs who live on hugs. I think I've agreed with you quite a few times in this thread. I'm talking about Guys in particular my mom and tons of other women have already demonstrated that long term planning can happen post devastation. The goal should be to plan ahead though, is what I am saying. I will not have to repeat my mom's struggle because she's taught me better through tough love and now that I'm older (lots of hugs lol). I think people here seem to think I mean all sorts of things that I don't. Juts gotta ask me and I will always clarify. I have no problem back tracking if it means someone will understand things a bit better. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 New Hampshire and Massachusetts, its the place to be. Oh good, I'll send some of my single girlfriends over by bus since that's super close. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think I've agreed with you quite a few times in this thread. I'm talking about Guys in particular my mom and tons of other women have already demonstrated that long term planning can happen post devastation. The goal should be to plan ahead though, is what I am saying. I will not have to repeat my mom's struggle because she's taught me better through tough love and now that I'm older (lots of hugs lol). I think people here seem to think I mean all sorts of things that I don't. Juts gotta ask me and I will always clarify. I have no problem back tracking if it means someone will understand things a bit better. Oh I knew you meant men--I remember the age gap thread lol. I completely understand why you felt the need to get and do what you are doing now. I felt the same way as you did last year(2010) and while I was in college. I was deadset on having a "certain life" and making sure to avoid certain predicaments that friends were in--having babys with no education, no income, etc. Anyway since then I've def. changed my mind about a lot of things. I think the fact that I am pregnant has definitely caused me to change my mindset about life in general, my choices, my thoughts that led up to it, and the reality of what may be to come. Ultimately I still plan on living the life of my dreams, even with a baby in tow. And I think the important thing here is that we all are living the lives that we want. It seems like your really content and happy with your life. To me that's far more important than anything. But most of us want to avoid unfortunate situations, and I think that's absolutely normal. Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 ;] You must be in an ivy league, ey? LOL I'm actually not, but I probably will be for graduate school next fall. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 LOL my ex is white. Ha ha! Don't forget there's a difference between Asians in America and Asians who are from Asia. I come from a very mix family. My uncle who is Asian married a BEAUTIFUL white girl (Greek.). LOL Her Greek Family is soooo dang strict on what to eat! They're like "NO SALT!" I'm like "WHHHAAATTT?!" I like my "Soy Sauce, thank you very much!" I'm just worried about the parents more than the spouse. LOL Maybe, that's why my ex broke up with me because of his mom. LOL Maybe that's what she feared. Wait, are you a female? Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Wait, are you a female? ;] Yes, I am. Proud to be one. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 ;] Yes, I am. Proud to be one. lol I think the name threw me off. Your SN makes me think of sci-fi and of my fiance and his guy friends. Good to know. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 lol I think the name threw me off. Your SN makes me think of sci-fi and of my fiance and his guy friends. Good to know. LOL I guess I give a masculine vibe. =] It's okay. Not your fault. LOL Link to comment
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