Do You Parent Like A Chinese Mom or A Western Mom?

[Anonymous122]

That is not what you said though. You said the only kids that did well were raised by people who were not white and or did not come from western culture which means that hmmmmmmmmm western culture and white people are some how not as good scholastically.

 

Well, I think thats true to some extent. Its not about race, though, its about public policy. Its a known fact that America's education system is inferior to the education systems used in every, single other developed country on the planet. I just read a very interesting book about it, in fact. How do we know? According to the book I read, its because American students are scoring significantly lower on college entrance tests in mathematics and language arts than students from other countries that use different education methods are.

[RougeKali823]

Right on! Reading is major. If we could start parenting more with teaching rather than strictly nurturing in mind then I think Western children would catch up to their Chinese counterparts. When I was in high school we had exchange students from Chine visit and when our teacher assigned the class to start writing everyone began talking and ignoring her. The Chinese students looked confused and asked me and a few of my friends why no one was working to which someone replied "this is America you get 50% just for showing up to class so that no one is left behind." (Not trying to steer this political) That summed up Western parenting for me. You get points just for being you. We coddle you for a 2.0. Then you grow up to be an adult who is discontent unless there is some sort of prize for mediocrity. I mean some might say that's far reaching but we still lag behind our Eastern counterparts.

[rocio]

If my daughter got B's, there's no way I would congratulate her. I would absolutely tell her I expected A's. But I would also make sure she knew that I loved her either way. Any time you make a child feel that they need to earn your love through grades or other acheivement, I feel you're robbing them of the security every child deserves. You can let them know that their acheivements were not up to you standard, while also reinforcing that it doesn't affect their worth.

[The_Seeker]

Interesting. I agree that Chua is extreme but it's pretty relevant. I mean I see more and more white men with Chinese wives and I'm wondering how this is all going to play out.

 

LOL my ex is white. Ha ha!

 

Don't forget there's a difference between Asians in America and Asians who are from Asia.

 

I come from a very mix family. My uncle who is Asian married a BEAUTIFUL white girl (Greek.). LOL Her Greek Family is soooo dang strict on what to eat! They're like "NO SALT!" I'm like "WHHHAAATTT?!" I like my "Soy Sauce, thank you very much!"

 

I'm just worried about the parents more than the spouse. LOL

 

Maybe, that's why my ex broke up with me because of his mom. LOL Maybe that's what she feared.

[Seraphim]

I am not American. Not everyone here is American so people should not make those assumptions either as this is a multi national forum.

[RougeKali823]

That is not what you said though. You said the only kids that did well were raised by people who were not white and or did not come from western culture which means that hmmmmmmmmm western culture and white people are some how not as good scholastically. I can only guess because we are "too soft".

 

Um....no. I worked at a mixed school and am American so for the sake of definition all of my students were Westerners due to their American citizenship. These students consisted of black, white, latino and Asian American students. However, we had a few African and Middle-Eastern students as well and they seem to be on a different plane. When you need clarification just ask because I'd rather provide that then have the thread derailed. None of my American (Western) students could compete well with the students from other nations. However, it is statistically true that African immigrants are more academically successful than any other group while Asian students (both American born and non-American) outpace their white counterparts. I think the topic of this thread has something to do with that.

[Seraphim]

If my daughter got B's, there's no way I would congratulate her. I would absolutely tell her I expected A's. But I would also make sure she knew that I loved her either way. Any time you make a child feel that they need to earn your love through grades or other acheivement, I feel you're robbing them of the security every child deserves. You can let them know that their acheivements were not up to you standard, while also reinforcing that it doesn't affect their worth.

 

Yes, it is damaging to attach the worth of a human being to a letter grade. Also too I would like to point out many brilliant people when in grade school and even higher did not do well in school initially and yet are some of the most brilliant minds in history.

[lostnscared]

To me there are worse things in life than getting "B's"(like C's or D's or F's). Obviously there would be a great amount of guidance into doing well in school, but not so he/she can compete, or compare themselves to their counterparts. It would because typically the better you do in subjects the more learning that was retained, and the more understanding. I would want them to do well to know that they understand and are learning. I could care less what Chua's daughter does, or competing with Chua's daughter.

[Anonymous122]

I am not American. Not everyone here is American so people should not make those assumptions either as this is a multi national forum.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you by acting under that assumption. I think the article itself, being as how it was published by an American news organization and was written by an American, has a largely American slant to it, despite its use of the term "western."

[Seraphim]

To me there are worse things in life than getting "B's"(like C's or D's or F's). Obviously there would be a great amount of guidance into doing well in school, but not so he/she can compete, or compare themselves to their counterparts. It would because typically the better you do in subjects the more learning that was retained, and the more understanding. I would want them to do well to know that they understand and are learning. I could care less what Chua's daughter does, or competing with Chua's daughter.

 

Yup. I want my son to do well for HIS own sake not so he can compete with Billy Joe, but more to compete with himself to see if he can do better. Billy Bob and what he does is no business of mine and I could care less. I care that my own son cares about his own standing for HIMSELF. I do not want his self worth based on the fact Billy Bob can do better or worse than him.

[RougeKali823]

If my daughter got B's, there's no way I would congratulate her. I would absolutely tell her I expected A's. But I would also make sure she knew that I loved her either way. Any time you make a child feel that they need to earn your love through grades or other acheivement, I feel you're robbing them of the security every child deserves. You can let them know that their acheivements were not up to you standard, while also reinforcing that it doesn't affect their worth.

 

This is true. At some point I started wondering with my godfather (an MD and a perfectionist) if I was going to have to earn his love through academic achievement. Once I completed my program at an Ivy League university I realized that I didn't but I believed for my tenure there that he would love me more because of that school. It was like nothing was ever good enough when I was younger.

[RougeKali823]

I'm sorry if I offended you by acting under that assumption. I think the article itself, being as how it was published by an American news organization and was written by an American, has a largely American slant to it, despite its use of the term "western."

 

I thought this would make it clear that we were talking about America as well but I apologize to anyone who misunderstood.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry but Canadians do not consider themselves to be " American", or part of "America" that is reserved for our southern neighbours. We consider ourselves to be part of the continent of NORTH America, but we are not American.

[lostnscared]

I feel like living life to "earn" love from people is not for me. Life is way too short and nice to spend time worrying about getting that A plus or going to that top school to please auntie or mommy. To me what is paramount is my child doing the things that makes them happy and leading a life that they are content with and don't feel forced into or pressured into. I love music, so would love that my daughter play the piano or the guitar, do dance, and do well academically. But if she didn't, or didn't like dance or playing an instrument I wouldn't force her. I had friends who grew up that way, and they got the heck away from their parents as soon as they could. They also weren't ever able to fully their lives without worrying about making their parents happy. What a burden. I understand if that is the right parenting style for some of you, but for me I just could not do that. Human beings can make life so complicated and unnecessarily difficult and miserable. All that working only to satisfy someone else... But then what if never becomes enough? You get an A and that isn't enough. Go to a good school that isn't enough. Make partner that isn't enough. Marry wealthy that isn't enough... Err just seems like so much pleasing and competing and not enough living.

[rocio]

Children who are raised using strict "traditional" methods are often better at memorising and regurgitating information. But they struggle more with types of learning that require creative problem solving. Also, children who are deprived of "fun" are often lacking in social skills, which can hinder them in the workplace.

 

I don't want to raise a child who requires detailed instructions on everything. Well rounded, socialised, confident children grow up to be independent, creative thinkers. And I think that is what will get them to the top once they begin their career.

[Anonymous122]

Yup. I want my son to do well for HIS own sake not so he can compete with Billy Joe, but more to compete with himself to see if he can do better. Billy Bob and what he does is no business of mine and I could care less. I care that my own son cares about his own standing for HIMSELF. I do not want his self worth based on the fact Billy Bob can do better or worse than him.

 

What about the fact that job markets around the world are becoming more and more competitive? As more people around the world begin to attend college, the degree itself starts to hold less value. The value is shifted to how well you did in that degree program. Do you think its part of your role as a parent to prepare your child to compete in the job market as an adult? Again, I'm not criticizing, I'm authentically curious. Feeling good about oneself is extremely important, I agree with you there, but isn't being competitive enough to land a secure, stable job equally important?

[RougeKali823]

To me there are worse things in life than getting "B's"(like C's or D's or F's). Obviously there would be a great amount of guidance into doing well in school, but not so he/she can compete, or compare themselves to their counterparts. It would because typically the better you do in subjects the more learning that was retained, and the more understanding. I would want them to do well to know that they understand and are learning. I could care less what Chua's daughter does, or competing with Chua's daughter.

 

At some point though Chua's daughter's success (let's assume she's a classmate of your child's) would impact your child. I know for me the kids who underperformed lost our school lots of funding and were responsible for creating grading curves that made my A's look flat. So I took the test to be moved into the advanced placement track in order to make myself more marketable to colleges. As soon as I made it in I found that most of my classmates in my very white American city, were Asian. This was interesting considering they were only about 5% of our student population. Their parents were always present and encouraging them to push harder. So when we graduated the walls were littered with acceptance letters from UCLA, Reed, Columbia and etc which were all pretty much garnered by Asian students, myself and one Nigerian girl. The other students complained but they weren't concerned with grades and the state made it mandatory to look as if they had understood at least 50% of the coursework.

[Seraphim]

Children who are raised using strict "traditional" methods are often better at memorising and regurgitating information. But they struggle more with types of learning that require creative problem solving. Also, children who are deprived of "fun" are often lacking in social skills, which can hinder them in the workplace.

 

I don't want to raise a child who requires detailed instructions on everything. Well rounded, socialised, confident children grow up to be independent, creative thinkers. And I think that is what will get them to the top once they begin their career.

 

And is that not what traditional learning IS anyway, just give the teacher what they want to hear from a book? All it is is regurgitation.

[The_Seeker]

Also I would like to add this about how it depends on the parent whether they are Asian or not.

 

I remembered when I was in high school. My father had a discussion with his friends when they found out I was transferring from a boarding school to a public school because financial situation. My father's friends criticized how I would turn out and doubt my abilities. Like my Father said to his friends who had degrees from Ivy Leagues and very successful,

 

"I don't care if my child did not graduate from a boarding school or Harvard. Heck, I don't care if she did not become what she wanted. As long who she becomes, what she does, and how she earns them is honest. Most importantly, knows how to be respectful and loyal."

 

So not every Asian parent is the same.

[lostnscared]

It looks like my daughter would affect Chua though, more than Chua would affect her. LOL. Chua would have to move so that her A wouldn't be "flat". My daughter can continue getting B's.

 

And I think it's really about what you teach your child, values, and programming. I believe in the law of attraction,and the universe, so with my beliefs if my daughter wanted to go to a good school she will go to one. She has to want to. Not me.

 

I just want her to be happy, and content with her life and her choices.

[Seraphim]

What about the fact that job markets around the world are becoming more and more competitive? As more people around the world begin to attend college, the degree itself starts to hold less value. The value is shifted to how well you did in that degree program. Do you think its part of your role as a parent to prepare your child to compete in the job market as an adult? Again, I'm not criticizing, I'm authentically curious. Feeling good about oneself is extremely important, I agree with you there, but isn't being competitive enough to land a secure, stable job equally important?

 

 

I am not saying you do not encourage them to do better, HOWEVER to compare your child to another group of kids or to their compatriots and then belittle them does not make them more competitive. I know for myself and believe me my mother was a hard task master when it came to school, but she did not compare me with other kids and she never belittled me because I did not do as well as Bobby Sue. I was often at the top of my class because I wanted to do well for ME and to please her, not because I needed marks for her to love me.

[Anonymous122]

And is that not what traditional learning IS anyway, just give the teacher what they want to hear from a book? All it is is regurgitation.

 

No, traditional learning is a process through which everyone in a given society has a specific body of shared knowledge. Its supposed to equal the playing field and provide some sort of socio-intellectual equality. For example, if everyone has the same body of basic knowledge, then most everyone should be able to understand references to specific historical events in a political speech, or the equation used to determine how much money they have to pay in taxes. In fact, thats why public education came into existence in the first place, so that the children of wealthy, educated families wouldn't have such a drastic advantage over the children of middle and lower class families that might not have had access to the same resources.

[Seraphim]

No, traditional learning is a process through which everyone in a given society has a specific body of shared knowledge. Its supposed to equal the playing field and provide some sort of socio-intellectual equality. For example, if everyone has the same body of basic knowledge, then most everyone should be able to understand references to specific historical events in a political speech, or the equation used to determine how much money they have to pay in taxes. In fact, thats why public education came into existence in the first place, so that the children of wealthy, educated families wouldn't have such a drastic advantage over the children of middle and lower class families that might not have had access to the same resources.

 

Yet it is all based on what you read out of a book and give back to the teacher in a pleasing form whether you are rich or poor.

[RougeKali823]

Hmm, I did terrible in middle school and elementary school and part of Hs. My parents were mean to me about it.

 

I didn't care.

 

I didn't do well until I wanted to.

 

I do think kids are interesting in the fact that they can be taught anything. Heck you can teach a child to speak a variety of languages, read, and know multiplication before they are 5. I would probably do that, but not so they become a superstar--because learning can be fun. My mom was teacher so she taught us many things and I want to pass that on to my children.

 

 

My little brother was the same way and I did his homework for him to ensure that he made it to college. Then I suddenly stopped helping him when he reached HS and so he learned to swim. I feel like it's a parent's job to ensure that their child is equipped to compete. So I will be teaching my children lots before they start school. I started learning early with my Muslim babysitters and I actually had fun doing it. They home schooled their children so when I went over after school I sat through a second school lesson which was arguably more engaging than my Catholic school lessons. I think if you make it fun they will participate and if they don't then then ought to be left behind because the world will not always wait.

[lostnscared]

My little brother was the same way and I did his homework for him to ensure that he made it to college. Then I suddenly stopped helping him when he reached HS and so he learned to swim. I feel like it's a parent's job to ensure that their child is equipped to compete. So I will be teaching my children lots before they start school. I started learning early with my Muslim babysitters and I actually had fun doing it. They home schooled their children so when I went over after school I sat through a second school lesson which was arguably more engaging than my Catholic school lessons. I think if you make it fun they will participate and if they don't then then ought to be left behind because the world will not always wait.

 

Yep I want to each my child a variety of languages, multiplication, science, reading, etc before they are 5. And I agree with making it fun. But leaving them behind? LOL, you have an interesting perspective. Were you reared this way, or is something you've developed overtime?

 

I just find your perspective on this so interesting lol.