Would you be comfortable?

[DN]

So is it too much to ask for them make sure I am comfortable with my daughter's role in their wedding?!

Yes , it is too much. I know that seems blunt but it is the truth as I see it.

 

It seems to me that you are trying to justify using your daughter to spoil his wedding even if only to a small degree. This is the only way you can have any influence. You can't stop the wedding, you could probably turn up and make a scene but would only embarrass yourself and you can't stop them being happy together. But you can make their wedding less than perfect for them by using your daughter.

 

Most of us here understand why you are bitter and angry - most people would be. But for the sake of your daughter you should put aside this spurious concern for her safety at this wedding. It has convinced no one on here and it won't convince any one in your real life - even your daughter as she grows up and finds out what happened. And she will find out because someone will tell her at some point. You need, and your daughter needs you to take the high road here and do what is best for her and her relationship with her father and his family - including his soon to be wife. No one is suggesting that is easy for you - but it is necessary.

 

Co-parenting does not mean both parents agreeing to everything that happens in their child's life. That doesn't even happen when parents are together. It means understanding that both parents as as loving, competent and capable as the other and even though you may not agree with every decision you accept that your way is not the only way. When your daughter is in your care you make the decisions, when she is with him he does. It is only in such over-arcing matters such as health, safety, education and things of that nature that you need to be in agreement - but certainly not on whether she is a flower-girl at his wedding.

 

Don't try to use the fact that you gave birth to her and have primary care as a means of trumping or overruling his decisions and his parental rights. It is not in your daughter's best interests to do that.

[Cadence_oO]

So how about thinking of a 'script' to say to him. something that will leave him amenable to appointing a 'guardian' for the day. how about something like, "Mike, I know that you and Ashley will be very busy on your wedding day, as will the entire bridal party, between getting ready, pictures, and the reception and everything. I want to make sure that our daughter isn't overwhelmed by all the things happening on that day. I was wondering if we could have your sister keep an eye on her during the days' events to make sure she is happy and comfortable. I can give her a bag as well that has a change of clothes, in case of an accident or spilled food, and maybe a favorite toy or book to read."

 

Yeah, thats exactly what you said somewhere on the 2nd/3rd page and I agreed it was a good idea. It sounds good to me.

 

But I was then attacked how I am overstepping my boundaries.

 

Tbh I would prefer her not be a flower girl at all because I do have an uneasy feeling about the whole thing BUT I will swallow that uneasy feeling and just focus on her being safe.

[DN]

I also disagree with you giving him a script or instructions as to how she is taken care of - because he can start doing the same thing to you. It is indeed overstepping your boundaries.

 

Don't go there - you are about to start a war and the person who will lose most is your daughter.

[savignon]

Her stepmother's friends are strangers. Complete and total strangers.

Might as well ask the paper boy if he wants to babysit.

 

Yes, I understand that there will be some strangers there and I also understand that her father, step mother, grandparents and aunts (?) will be there as well. Those are people who care for her, love her, would likely look after her and are *not* strangers.

It sounds like you're willing to "let" her do this under your conditions so if he agrees to those, it'll be all the better for your daughter in the end which is what everyone is aiming for, even though we all have our different opinions and thoughts on it.

[annie24]

Yeah, thats exactly what you said somewhere on the 2nd/3rd page and I agreed it was a good idea. It sounds good to me.

 

But I was then attacked how I am overstepping my boundaries.

 

Tbh I would prefer her not be a flower girl at all because I do have an uneasy feeling about the whole thing BUT I will swallow that uneasy feeling and just focus on her being safe.

 

well, i would say to you that your 'uneasy feeling' comes from the circumstances of the marriage, rather than some kind of real threat or psychic vision.

 

yeah, i just think if you want to have the sister look out for your daughter, you have to say it in a nice way that he'll likely agree with and say is a good idea, rather than "i don't know the bridesmaids or the family and they could be a bunch of coke-heads and murderers for all i know!!" as they say, the art of diplomacy is telling someone to go to hell, and having them look forward to the trip.

[DN]

Yes, I understand that there will be some strangers there and I also understand that her father, step mother, grandparents and aunts (?) will be there as well. Those are people who care for her, love her, would likely look after her and are *not* strangers.

It sounds like you're willing to work it out on your conditions so if he agrees to those, it'll be all the better for your daughter in the end which is what everyone is aiming for, even though we all have our different opinions and thoughts on it.

I do not agree in the slightest that you have any right to impose conditions on this day. That is a dangerous road to travel.

 

If at any time there should be a court issue over custody or visitation your conduct over this and other issues will be held up to scrutiny - and unless you can prove he is an unfit father you trying to interpose yourself into how he looks after your daughter will do you harm.

[Cadence_oO]

I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that!!!!

I don't even want to stop or spoil the wedding! They clearly love each other, I wish them to have a happy, long marriage.

 

 

And I believe I have taken the higher road in our separation, divorce and subsequent relationship with him. But I believe that I do have a right to make sure I am comfortable with her role at the wedding. This is obviously a respectful disagreement between me and you but I expect that.

 

To my and my ex-husband co-parenting is making sure we are doing everything in the best interest of our child but also to both be comfortable and in agreement with each others parenting methods. Happy parents = happy child.

 

I actually know a child who is being raised by divorced parents who are each doing their own thing and he is a very confused child who doesn't know how to properly behave.

[FreedomRing]

I also disagree with you giving him a script or instructions as to how she is taken care of - because he can start doing the same thing to you. It is indeed overstepping your boundaries.

 

Don't go there - you are about to start a war and the person who will lose most is your daughter.

 

Ditto. Why the script and set of instructions. That implies you DO NOT TRUST HIM. It is evident you do not trust him, and honestly as a woman who considers any form of cheating a dealbreaker, I can adamantly admit, I would most likely no longer trust my ex-husband in most scenarios after he betrayed me too.

 

It is so clear this whole notion of 'safety' is such a non-issue in the big scheme of things. YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM OR HER and you want to sabotage the celebration of this marriage, and this is the only passive way you can do it, but you're not fooling anyone except yourself. I feel bad for your daughter.

[savignon]

I do not agree in the slightest that you have any right to impose conditions on this day. That is a dangerous road to travel.

 

If at any time there should be a court issue over custody or visitation your conduct over this and other issues will be held up to scrutiny - and unless you can prove he is an unfit father you trying to interpose yourself into how he looks after your daughter will do you harm.

 

I TOTALLY agree with you DN, I don't think she has the "right" to impose any conditions on this day.....however she does and she is and I'm trying to find some common ground. In the end, it's best for the daughter to be able to participate in this day and while I disagree entirely with how she's aiming to achieve that, at least it will be achieved......???

I think your posts on this have been spot on, well written, to the point and are not distracted by the nonsense. You're very well-spoken and I wish I were as eloquent and concise!!

[DN]

If you try and impose yourself into this in any way it will be prima facie evidence of interference into his rights as a father and a slur on his competence to look after her. Any competent lawyer would tear you to shreds in court because what you are doing looks petty and vindictive and an attempt to assert superior rights as a parent.

 

He is either competent or he isn't. If he is stop interfering. If he isn't then ask that he can only have supervised visitation.

[Cadence_oO]

well, i would say to you that your 'uneasy feeling' comes from the circumstances of the marriage, rather than some kind of real threat or psychic vision.

 

yeah, i just think if you want to have the sister look out for your daughter, you have to say it in a nice way that he'll likely agree with and say is a good idea, rather than "i don't know the bridesmaids or the family and they could be a bunch of coke-heads and murderers for all i know!!" as they say, the art of diplomacy is telling someone to go to hell, and having them look forward to the trip.

 

Well yes, the uneasy feeling is definitely stemming from the fact hat I find it inappropriate but as I said... I will swallow that and focus just on her being safe which was my other concern.

 

DN - We will both reach a middle ground. I believe that is fair.

And will not be going to court.

[Cadence_oO]

I do not in any way want to sabotage their wedding! I hope they have a wonderful day. They can still have it, EXACTLY the way they planned it. Just with my daughter safe and with someone I trust and not a bunch of girls I don't know.

 

Again, I don't know if my ex will be with the girls getting ready... meaning my daughter alone with these girls I never met. Even the bride's stepmother didn't want to just let her child like that!!!

[DN]

"We will not be going to court". How many times have I heard that over the years only to see people duking it out in front of a judge.

 

Let me ask you this (something I and others have brought up and that you have not addressed) - if he does a similar thing to you in the future will you accept it in the same way that you are expecting him to?

[OptomisticGirl]

So then you ask your ex if you can get her ready and bring her before the ceremony. No way should a child be up at 5 am getting ready for a day like that. And I agree with DN, while you both have equal rights on major issues such as health, education, and safety, not on small things like this. If you impose your restrictions on how she can be a flower girl, expect him to do the same when you want her to be a part of something and you have no one to blame yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow but really, you can ask him not to have her as a flower girl but he can still make her one. It's his right as an equal parent to have her in something he wants that isn't going to hurt her in any way.

[Cadence_oO]

"We will not be going to court". How many times have I heard that over the years only to see people duking it out in front of a judge.

 

Let me ask you this (something I and others have brought up and that you have not addressed) - if he does a similar thing to you in the future will you accept it in the same way that you are expecting him to?

 

Yes. If he tells me that he is uncomfortable with me doing something I would talk it out with him and try to find a middle ground. Absolutely.

 

As I said... I know a child who is being raised as you described -each parent does his own thing and parents the way they want to and it's not turning out too good.

 

Me and my ex- make sure we are both comfortable and that she has a sense of consistency. Happy parents = happy child and no resentment.

[OptomisticGirl]

And he will not be doing it if he just ignores my uncomfort. I said I will let her do it if he appoints someone I know to be there with her and keep an eye on her. I think thats pretty good middle ground so I don't know why I was attacked like some sort of crazy b**** who will be yelling ''stop the wedding!'' while running down the altar and stabbing the bride.

 

 

Annie - oh my daughter is an angel. She is a very very calm child. Any temper tantrum she ever had was easily fixed. Now she will just grab a book, or a coloring book and mind her own business, She is shy and such a sweet, smiley child. But you never know...curiosity, being at such an event, everything new and pretty and glamorous...

 

The problem is, 'I'll let her do it." It's not your place to say if she can or can't. He wants her in his wedding and he has every right. You want her for a specific family reunion YOU have that right. This is a battle that if you take the wrong steps, is only going to hurt her in the long run. As I said, when she gets older and is looking through the pics or is hearing stories about the wedding and wonders why she was just 'an ordinary guest', she's going to turn to you and ask why.

 

I'd rather my child felt wonderful about an event such as this, like she was a part of it, than like she was an ordinary person who didn't matter to her father when she clearly did and he wanted her in it. In the end, she's only going to resent you for that.

[savignon]

I do not in any way want to sabotage their wedding! I hope they have a wonderful day. They can still have it, EXACTLY the way they planned it. Just with my daughter safe and with someone I trust and not a bunch of girls I don't know.

 

Again, I don't know if my ex will be with the girls getting ready... meaning my daughter alone with these girls I never met. Even the bride's stepmother didn't want to just let her child like that!!!

 

What I read is "exactly as they planned it with my restrictions".

I agree that deciding who her caretaker will be (in lieu of her father) is overstepping your bounds. I also think the "danger" bit is being well overplayed and agree that you're only fooling yourself with this "issue" as she's very, very unlikely to be unsafe.

Your daughter may be alone with girls you've never met, but your husband and his bride certainly know and trust. If that's not good enough, then I agree that you don't trust him to make appropriate decisions and that you're starting a war and drafting your daughter to be in the middle of it.

That being said, pick your point person, communicate it to your husband and let it go with the faith that she won't be physically/emotionally/psychologically or otherwise damaged that afternoon in the company of her father and other family members.

[DN]

meaning my daughter alone with these girls I never met.

So, if you are going out one night and use the services of a babysitter you would be Ok with your ex objecting because he has never met the babysitter you chose?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes. If he tells me that he is uncomfortable with me doing something I would talk it out with him and try to find a middle ground. Absolutely.

 

As I said... I know a child who is being raised as you described -each parent does his own thing and parents the way they want to and it's not turning out too good.

 

Me and my ex- make sure we are both comfortable and that she has a sense of consistency. Happy parents = happy child and no resentment.

 

Can you hoenstly say your ex won't be unhappy if you tell him she can't be in his wedding? That doesn't fit well with your happy parents= happy child with no resentment view on it. If anything, the fact you are keeping her from being a part of such an important day to her father, is only going to cause her to resent you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hello Cadence

 

I feel for you I really do. This issue aside, it is an unpleasent situation for you.

 

HOWEVER I see where your fears stem from. Im not a mother, but I do understand your worries.

 

I think she will always love knowing and looking back on being a flower girl and it willl mean a lot to her dad too. I think she will most likely be well looked after, chances are they will be looking after her more in the future as well.

[DN]

Yes. If he tells me that he is uncomfortable with me doing something I would talk it out with him and try to find a middle ground. Absolutely.

 

As I said... I know a child who is being raised as you described -each parent does his own thing and parents the way they want to and it's not turning out too good.

 

Me and my ex- make sure we are both comfortable and that she has a sense of consistency. Happy parents = happy child and no resentment.

And I know plenty of couples who do it the way I suggest - including my son-in-law and his two sons from his first marriage. When they are with their mother they do what she says, when they are with him they do what he says. It works just fine even though they don't always agree.

[FreedomRing]

So then you ask your ex if you can get her ready and bring her before the ceremony. No way should a child be up at 5 am getting ready for a day like that. And I agree with DN, while you both have equal rights on major issues such as health, education, and safety, not on small things like this. If you impose your restrictions on how she can be a flower girl, expect him to do the same when you want her to be a part of something and you have no one to blame yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow but really, you can ask him not to have her as a flower girl but he can still make her one. It's his right as an equal parent to have her in something he wants that isn't going to hurt her in any way.

 

Oh but he dare not exercise his parental right and insist on her being a flower girl, bc the OP has already mentioned that technically it's HER weekend and should her conditions NOT be met, her daughter will not be in attendance at all.

[Cadence_oO]

So, if you are going out one night and use the services of a babysitter you would be Ok with your ex objecting because he has never met the babysitter you chose?

 

We always use the same babysitter (he uses one when she's with him and I use one when she's with me) and we are both familiar with them.

[OptomisticGirl]

We always use the same babysitter (he uses one when she's with him and I use one when she's with me) and we are both familiar with them.

 

The point DN is trying to make is, whether you admit it or not, you would be livid if he stepped in and questioned your parental decision making to find and adequet baby sitter for your child.

[Cadence_oO]

[/b]

 

Oh but he dare not exercise his parental right and insist on her being a flower girl, bc the OP has already mentioned that technically it's HER weekend and should her conditions NOT be met, her daughter will not be in attendance at all.

 

 

I would personally lose all trust in him if he would lie to me and do something I specifically told him I am uncomfortable with. I know he wouldn't do it because we actually have a good relationship.

 

I didn't say that if my conditions are not met she won't be in attendance. If my ONE condition is not met she will not be the flower girl. She will always be in attendance.