OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Her relationship with her father and stepmother is more than fine. And it will not be ruined by her being properly looked after on their wedding day. But you are talking about if he doesn't meet your demand she won't be in it. That will ruin it. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 There's no need for that. I'll do what I normally do because this isn't some kind of mourning day for me lolI meant so you are not worrying about your daughter all day. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I said that knowing fully well that of course he cares about his daughter and of course he cares about her being the flower girl. You still said it though. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 But they aren't strangers to your husband, this is the point we are trying to make. If you trusted him, this wouldn't be an issue. Asking him who he has designated to watch her while everyone is getting ready is fine... but you are implying he already hasn't thought this through, that he is so incompetent as a father he hasn't already thought of who is going to look after his child's safety. I am 22, and if there is another person's child in the room, no matter what, I'm going to subconciously watch out for them. They are a child. It's not like these women are utterly against children and are going to let her eat paste or something.... And maybe they are. You know them as well as I do. A parent will be concerned with his child being left in the care of people who are strangers to him. I wouldn't expect anything different from him as well. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm sure if the bride's stepmother is there with a 6 year old child, then the two flower girls will play together and she will keep an eye on your daughter. The stepmother clearly knows how to handle a child that age, so you needn't worry. I really think your concerns for safety are hugely out of proportion to how "dangerous" this wedding is. You said your daughter is an angel - I'm sure she will hang around everyone and behave well, and not go running off, out of the building and into the hands of kidnappers. It's just not going to happen. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Nobody thinks that it's unreasonable that you expect her to be looked after. What's unreasonable is that you don't think he can manage arranging that on his own and if not for your particular definition of "proper care", remove her from the wedding party all-together. Additionally most people don't see any founded reason to think she'd be in any danger in the first place and this is all a rouse for the real reason you're upset which is that he's marrying his mistress. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 But you are talking about if he doesn't meet your demand she won't be in it. That will ruin it. Can you give me one reason why he wouldn't do it? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 And maybe they are. You know them as well as I do. A parent will be concerned with his child being left in the care of people who are strangers to him. I wouldn't expect anything different from him as well. There is a difference in being concerned and flat out not trusting the other parent to take care of it. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'm sure if the bride's stepmother is there with a 6 year old child, then the two flower girls will play together and she will keep an eye on your daughter. The stepmother clearly knows how to handle a child that age, so you needn't worry. I really think your concerns for safety are hugely out of proportion to how "dangerous" this wedding is. You said your daughter is an angel - I'm sure she will hang around everyone and behave well, and not go running off, out of the building and into the hands of kidnappers. It's just not going to happen. Thats the thing. One of them will be the flower girl so if my daughter is the flower girl, the stepmom and her daughter won't be there. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Can you give me one reason why he wouldn't do it? Because's it's not your RIGHT to demand anything if he's not putting his child at risk! She's a FLOWER GIRL. She will throw petals and be the cutest thing there. Add to the fact I would be offended if an ex told me so and so had to watch my child, like I hadn't already thought of it... these are reasons why he wouldn't. It shouldn't be YOUR demands are met or else. You should ask if she's going ot be taken care of, by who he has planned. You have no right to demand so and so. If you do, expect the same in return and for your parenting to be under fire as well. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 There is a difference in being concerned and flat out not trusting the other parent to take care of it. Of course, if he has already appointed someone to take care of her, problem solved. But if he hasn't then I'm stepping in. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Of course, if he has already appointed someone to take care of her, problem solved. But if he hasn't then I'm stepping in. Then you admit you think he is an incompetent father who hasn't already thought of this, which means you do not trust him or believe he can parent without you stnading over his shoulder. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Can you give me one reason why he wouldn't do it? The reason I wouldn't do it if it were me is that #1 I wouldn't play that game but more importantly, I would hear your concern and address it by leaving her with people *I* trust, be that the bride, bridesmaids, her step-mom, or other people I know and trust whether or not you know and trust them. In other words I would trust my own judgement and would not defer to yours as being superior since I am also the other capable parent in this scenario. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thats the thing. One of them will be the flower girl so if my daughter is the flower girl, the stepmom and her daughter won't be there. Hmm, this is sort of a side thing, but then how did that come up about the little sister and the stepmother? Did she get asked first and refuse? Is this a competitive flower girl thing, like your daughter might not even be one regardless? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Because's it's not your RIGHT to demand anything if he's not putting his child at risk! She's a FLOWER GIRL. She will throw petals and be the cutest thing there. Add to the fact I would be offended if an ex told me so and so had to watch my child, like I hadn't already thought of it... these are reasons why he wouldn't. It shouldn't be YOUR demands are met or else. You should ask if she's going ot be taken care of, by who he has planned. You have no right to demand so and so. If you do, expect the same in return and for your parenting to be under fire as well. You'd be offended by the father so much as ask you whether you've made proper arrangements? Talk about a fragile ego. And I said a million times that if he has any concerns over my parenting choices he can voice his opinion. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Can you give me one reason why he wouldn't do it? Because, as OG says, he shouldn't have to - you should implictly trust that he will make sure she is looked after. If you can't then there is a whole other problem. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 You'd be offended by the father so much as ask you whether you've made proper arrangements? Talk about a fragile ego. And I said a million times that if he has any concerns over my parenting choices he can voice his opinion. I'd be offended in the fact the father didn't trust me enough already or think me a competent parent to already have that figured out. Nothing to do with ego. If you can't rust someone that they have already made safety arrangments for their child, you shouldn't have a child with them in the first place. He can voice his opinion but he can't make demands of you? You don't see it but you are coming accross to more than one of us as you are the superior parent. Why? Because you didn't have the affair? I don't know, but it's coming accross that and I"m sure your ex will sense that. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Then you admit you think he is an incompetent father who hasn't already thought of this, which means you do not trust him or believe he can parent without you stnading over his shoulder. Ummmm... where exactly did you read that? I said that I will ask him- if he has appointed someone then no problem. If he wasn't thinking about it then I'll step in and ask him to do it. Hmm, this is sort of a side thing, but then how did that come up about the little sister and the stepmother? Did she get asked first and refuse? Is this a competitive flower girl thing, like your daughter might not even be one regardless? lol, no. My daughter is the first choice. Georgia - the bride's half sister is the second choice. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 "voice his opinion" and "tell you how to solve a problem appropriately" are two different things. You've voiced your opinion (she might be unsafe) and he has a plan in place (she will be with BMs and bride). The fact that it's not good enough because it's not your way is where the control/threats/etc. are coming in to play (if I don't get to approve of the person, she's not in the wedding). Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Ummmm... where exactly did you read that? I said that I will ask him- if he has appointed someone then no problem. If he wasn't thinking about it then I'll step in and ask him to do it. . By what you said. If he hasn't you will step in and do it. You are already taking measures because a part of you thinks he hasn't. Otherwise, this would not be a concern for you. You think he hasn't made these arrangments, so therefore you are taking steps to step in and take care of it. Who doens't make arrangments for thier child's safety? Incompetent parents. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'd be offended in the fact the father didn't trust me enough already or think me a competent parent to already have that figured out. Nothing to do with ego. If you can't rust someone that they have already made safety arrangments for their child, you shouldn't have a child with them in the first place. He can voice his opinion but he can't make demands of you? You don't see it but you are coming accross to more than one of us as you are the superior parent. Why? Because you didn't have the affair? I don't know, but it's coming accross that and I"m sure your ex will sense that. Well, I don't care. I'm making sure arrangements are made no matter how much it bruises his ego. And I didn't say he's not allowed to make demands! He can voice his opinion and of course we will talk about a solution!I thought that part was implied! Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 By what you said. If he hasn't you will step in and do it. You are already taking measures because a part of you thinks he hasn't. Otherwise, this would not be a concern for you. You think he hasn't made these arrangments, so therefore you are taking steps to step in and take care of it. Who doens't make arrangments for thier child's safety? Incompetent parents. I honestly think he hasn't because that is the way it sounded when he was talking to me about it. I don't think he is an incompetent parent because of that (thats something you just said), I just think he hasn't thought about it all. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well, I don't care. I'm making sure arrangements are made no matter how much it bruises his ego. And I didn't say he's not allowed to make demands! He can voice his opinion and of course we will talk about a solution!I thought that part was implied! This is evident in the fact you don't trust him as a father. This is a dangerous road you are going down. I hope one day you can look back and see were you made the wrong turn. But this is it, you are saying when he doesn't like yours you can talk about and come to an agreement. With him you make demands and he accepts them or not. He told you she would be with the BMs but that isn't good enough for you. You don't trust his judgement. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I honestly think he hasn't because that is the way it sounded when he was talking to me about it. I don't think he is an incompetent parent because of that (thats something you just said), I just think he hasn't thought about it all. That still does not give you the right to demand so and so. Bring up the fact you want someone other than the BMs to watch her (which is still implying you don't trust who he has ALREADY chosen) and let him decide who watches her (if you can agree with his second option). Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 When my daughters were your daughters age my wife would take them shopping with her. I didn't say "make sure you do up their seat belts and that you keep a good eye on them in the store - kids can disappear really quickly". When I took them fishing with me, my wife didn't say "make sure they don't fall in the water or get a hook in their eye." But those bad things could have happened. Those concerns aren't totally out of order. But expressing them would have been because it would have implied that we didn't trust each other to look after our kids and had to be reminded or instructed how to parent. They was no need to wonder if the other parent had thought about it - we were competent parents. The same thing applies here - you may be concerned (and your feelings are your own) but it isn't reasonable to express those concerns because it implies he is an unfit father. Link to comment
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