savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Did anyone hear me when I said that not even the bride's stepmother would let her 6 year old get ready with the bridesmaids alone without her there?! Yes and we are assuming her father has thought of this already and will make an appropriate plan for her without the threat of "if you don't do this, she ain't in it" Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 If it was my way or the highway she wouldn't be the flower girl at all. I said many times that it's not something I am personally comfortable with. But I will let down my guard and I hope he meets me somewhere in the middle. You are continuing to miss that you do not HOLD THE POWER to even suggest her not being a flower girl. It is not left entirely up to you. You could certainly make that statement, but he could also not allow it, since he is an equal parent. So you're really not doing anyone any 'favors' here by allowing her to be in it or the flower girl. There will be many situations where your comfort will not be accommodated. To think otherwise is extremely selfish and narrow-minded. You're making this entire situation about YOU and it's a true shame you cannot see that. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would never say that to my daughter! Imply that her father doesn't love her. Thats a rally disgusting thing to say! Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Yes and we are assuming her father has thought of this already and will make an appropriate plan for her without the threat of "if you don't do this, she ain't in it" She said that if she can't be with her while getting ready with the BMs, she won't be in it at all. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would never say that to my daughter! Imply that her father doesn't love her. Thats a rally disgusting thing to say! But you are implying he's an idiot and hasn't alreay thought of her safety. This is what we are trying to TELL YOU. I am a child of divorce, I know how this game goes. You demand one condition, he demands next. And before you know it, you are in that situation the poster said were you are saying 'if he loved you' blah blah blah. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 She said that if she can't be with her while getting ready with the BMs, she won't be in it at all. The difference is, she has the right ot be there. You don't. So then you have to leave the responsibility of your child's well being in the hands of her father and trust he can do it. Which you obviosuly you don't. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 You are continuing to miss that you do not HOLD THE POWER to even suggest her not being a flower girl. It is not left entirely up to you. You could certainly make that statement, but he could also not allow it, since he is an equal parent. So you're really not doing anyone any 'favors' here by allowing her to be in it or the flower girl. There will be many situations where your comfort will not be accommodated. To think otherwise is extremely selfish and narrow-minded. You're making this entire situation about YOU and it's a true shame you cannot see that. My comfort will not be entirely accomodated, but it can partially. Again, her father also has a right to voice his opinion on my parenting decisions. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 My comfort will not be entirely accomodated, but it can partially. Again, her father also has a right to voice his opinion on my parenting decisions. Yes, your parenting decisions. Not whether she's a flower girl in a wedding or not. And I'm sorry, you are wrong. Just because she will have MANY weddings in the future, this is her FATHER'S. The fact you said that clearly shows you do view this wedding as important to your child. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would never say that to my daughter! Imply that her father doesn't love her. Thats a rally disgusting thing to say! Every parent who does things like that/says things like that starts out thinking they would never do that (which was my point). You don't even have to say it to her....you could be on the phone with a friend saying "well, if he really cared about her being a flower girl, he would (fill in the blank)" and she could hear you. You've already implied that he's not as responsible as you are by this whole thread and whether you ever say it aloud or not, she'll pick up on it, especially as this wedding is just one event where I'm sure you'll want your "one thing" to be addressed to your liking. I'm just trying to give you a heads up that this is something to self-monitor and try to rid yourself of entirely (the idea that he can't care for her as well as you or doesn't care for her at all if he doesn't meet your conditions) Not just looking out for your daughter.....it's healthier for you to have constant peace of mind rather than just when your conditions are met. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 The difference is, she has the right ot be there. You don't. So then you have to leave the responsibility of your child's well being in the hands of her father and trust he can do it. Which you obviosuly can not. He is the groom, he won't physically be able to do it all the time. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Did anyone hear me when I said that not even the bride's stepmother would let her 6 year old get ready with the bridesmaids alone without her there?! Yes, but just because the step-mother is behaving like that it doesn't justify you behaving like that. Look, it is clear to me that you are not an evil witch. I think you have been badly hurt by your ex, that you resent him and his fiancé and that you love your daughter. But I am asking you, for her sake, to understand your own motivations and let this go. It really isn't worth it and could have really deleterious effects on the way you and your ex interact when bringing up your child. There will be many occasions for such rubbing points in the future - vacations, family events, school events, trips, weekend, family occasions, graduations and her wedding and her children some day. Let how you deal with this occasion be a positive template for the future and employ respect, goodwill and lack of recrimination rather than pettiness and spite even if those are subconscious reactions to being treated badly in the past. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 He is the groom, he won't physically be able to do it all the time. No, but as her FATHER, he will have made sure she is taken care of. You are acting like he already hasn't done this and won't. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I wouldn't say that. I know he does care a great deal about her being the flower girl which is why I know he will have no problem meeting my condition. He did ask me first after all, before telling our daughter. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I wouldn't say that. I know he does care a great deal about her being the flower girl which is why I know he will have no problem meeting my condition. He did ask me first after all, before telling our daughter.Well, it seems he made a mistake in asking in the first place. But don't compound his mistake. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I wouldn't say that. I know he does care a great deal about her being the flower girl which is why I know he will have no problem meeting my condition. He did ask me first after all, before telling our daughter. I feel for your child. I truly do. 'My condition'... let him know while you are at it that he has to okay what clothes he buys for her as well. Or if he wants to take her some were, you have to do reserach on were he is going and he better run the baby sitter by you because God forbid he take his eyes off her for a minute. Is that what you see happening? He's so caught up in his wedding he doesn't remember his own child? I mean really.. would you prefer his new wife have nothing to do with your child as well as him? Would that be a perfect world for you? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 If only for your daughter's sake this wedding was not happening in a couple of weeks. Perhaps with more time, you would be able to reach a point of REAL acceptance, so needed, in order for you to let some of this hurt, animosity, bitterness and selfishness go. Hopefully, you'll reach that point soon and not at the expense of your daughter's relationship with her father and step mom. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I wouldn't say that. I know he does care a great deal about her being the flower girl which is why I know he will have no problem meeting my condition. He did ask me first after all, before telling our daughter. You *did* say that. You said, "If he really cares, even a little bit, about her being the flower girl, he'll meet my condition". Not "he cares about her and will make sure she's cared for".....but "if he cares, he will do what I want". This is exactly what I meant by people start talking like this and don't even realize it. But she will realize it. Trust us. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 You *did* say that. You said, "If he really cares, even a little bit, about her being the flower girl, he'll meet my condition". Not "he cares about her and will make sure she's cared for".....but "if he cares, he will do what I want". This is exactly what I meant by people start talking like this and don't even realize it. But she will realize it. Trust us. Exaclty. Children are more aware of their surroundings and the people in their life then you think. I remember being five and knowing my father was cheating on my mother. Not because she said so, but because it was so dang obvious in how she acted. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Please keep comments respectful. It is fine to disagree with the OP or for the OP to disagree with advice given without ad hominem remarks. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I feel for your child. I truly do. 'My condition'... let him know while you are at it that he has to okay what clothes he buys for her as well. Or if he wants to take her some were, you have to do reserach on were he is going and he better run the baby sitter by you because God forbid he take his eyes off her for a minute. Is that what you see happening? He's so caught up in his wedding he doesn't remember his own child? I mean really.. would you prefer his new wife have nothing to do with your child as well as him? Would that be a perfect world for you? Ok. Once you have children you can leave them with whoever you want to leave them...thats your business. I am careful with whom I leave my daughter. People who are strangers to both me and her are out of the questions. And he implied that she'll be with fiancee and her 'girls'. Fiancee gets wrapped up in the wedding- BMs I don't know. Asking him to have one of the people I know gthere to look after her, just as the bride's stepmom will be there to look after her child is not an unreasonable request! Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 If only for your daughter's sake this wedding was not happening in a couple of weeks. Perhaps with more time, you would be able to reach a point of REAL acceptance, so needed, in order for you to let some of this hurt, animosity, bitterness and selfishness go. Hopefully, you'll reach that point soon and not at the expense of your daughter's relationship with her father and step mom. Her relationship with her father and stepmother is more than fine. And it will not be ruined by her being properly looked after on their wedding day. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 You *did* say that. You said, "If he really cares, even a little bit, about her being the flower girl, he'll meet my condition". Not "he cares about her and will make sure she's cared for".....but "if he cares, he will do what I want". This is exactly what I meant by people start talking like this and don't even realize it. But she will realize it. Trust us. I said that knowing fully well that of course he cares about his daughter and of course he cares about her being the flower girl. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well, I still think it is unwise to attack his competence as a father but you will do what you want. I hope it turns out well for all of you. I would advise doing something for yourself on the day of the wedding - go out with friends or family and have a blast. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Ok. Once you have children you can leave them with whoever you want to leave them...thats your business. I am careful with whom I leave my daughter. People who are strangers to both me and her are out of the questions. And he implied that she'll be with fiancee and her 'girls'. Fiancee gets wrapped up in the wedding- BMs I don't know. Asking him to have one of the people I know gthere to look after her, just as the bride's stepmom will be there to look after her child is not an unreasonable request! But they aren't strangers to your husband, this is the point we are trying to make. If you trusted him, this wouldn't be an issue. Asking him who he has designated to watch her while everyone is getting ready is fine... but you are implying he already hasn't thought this through, that he is so incompetent as a father he hasn't already thought of who is going to look after his child's safety. I am 22, and if there is another person's child in the room, no matter what, I'm going to subconciously watch out for them. They are a child. It's not like these women are utterly against children and are going to let her eat paste or something.... Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well, I still think it is unwise to attack his competence as a father but you will do what you want. I hope it turns out well for all of you. I would advise doing something for yourself on the day of the wedding - go out with friends or family and have a blast. There's no need for that. I'll do what I normally do because this isn't some kind of mourning day for me lol Link to comment
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