OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would personally lose all trust in him if he would lie to me and do something I specifically told him I am uncomfortable with. I know he wouldn't do it because we actually have a good relationship. I didn't say that if my conditions are not met she won't be in attendance. If my ONE condition is not met she will not be the flower girl. She will always be in attendance. You are over stepping your parental boundaries. I'm more than sure at some point you are going to want to do something with her, and if he pulls what you are pulling, he will be very justified. Perhaps then you will see the difference in looking out for your child's safety (which I find that excuess in this situation laughable) and a parent thinking they are the sole parent and only what they want goes. You are no co parenting. You are not even allowing him to co parent. You are parenting. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 And I know plenty of couples who do it the way I suggest - including my son-in-law and his two sons from his first marriage. When they are with their mother they do what she says, when they are with him they do what he says. It works just fine even though they don't always agree. Well, we decided to co-parent differently. I hope you respect these differences. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 OP, why would you to prevent your daughter from bonding with her stepmother-to-be during such a special and memorable moment in BOTH of their lives??????????? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well, we decided to co-parent differently. I hope you respect these differences. Yes, but you are not respecting his right as a father. Be prepared for him not to respect your right as her mother one day. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Can you hoenstly say your ex won't be unhappy if you tell him she can't be in his wedding? That doesn't fit well with your happy parents= happy child with no resentment view on it. If anything, the fact you are keeping her from being a part of such an important day to her father, is only going to cause her to resent you. Thats why we will find a middle ground. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thats why we will find a middle ground. A middle ground by YOUR choosing you mean? That isn't middle ground. That's setting the stakes for a war in a divorce that will only hurt your child. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 OP, why would you to prevent your daughter from bonding with her stepmother-to-be during such a special and memorable moment in BOTH of their lives??????????? The woman lives with my ex! Every weekend that my daughter is at her father's she is with her future stepmother! They've bonded! They'll bond even more... my daughter will be there! Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 A middle ground by YOUR choosing you mean? That isn't middle ground. That's setting the stakes for a war in a divorce that will only hurt your child. By my choosing? He has his daughter as a flower girl, I have my peace of mind. Who is loosing exactly? Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I tell you my conditions + you comply = middle ground. Hmmmmm..... I'm going to run that by my husband right now and see how it goes over Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Yes, but you are not respecting his right as a father. Be prepared for him not to respect your right as her mother one day. I respect his right as a father.... which is why we will talk and find an arrangement. Exactly how I expect him to do if he is uncomfortable with any decision I make as a mother. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Had you been consistent in this thread that your only concern was who was going to look after her during this day then advice saying something like 'just casually ask him' would be an end of the matter. And since your coparenting style with him is as it is you would not even have had to ask the question on here in the first place - it would be a normal way of interacting with him. But you have not been consistent from your first post on the issue and it seems apparent that your real motivation, even if you don't recognise it within yourself, is really resentment of the fact that your ex wants your daughter to be a flower-girl at his wedding to the woman with whom he cheated on you. And whereas that resentment is totally understandable you should bury it in the interests of your daughter. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I tell you my conditions + you comply = middle ground. Hmmmmm..... I'm going to run that by my husband right now and see how it goes over Nope. You want something I don't. I'll agree under one condition. You get what you want. I get my peace of mind. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 By my choosing? He has his daughter as a flower girl, I have my peace of mind. Who is loosing exactly? Then what condition are you talking about? OP, I sympathize with you. I do. I have been cheated on before. I know that pain and I can only imagine having to deal with the other woman and have a child with the man who broke our family apart. I truly do, dont' get me wrong that I don't see that pain. But I am also a child of divorce. My parents played this game all to well. Mom wanted us to do something, dad said no becuase he didn't like her boyfriend. Then when my dad wanted us to dos omething, mom returned the favor. It's a never ending cycle that I truly, 100% believe if you impose any condition on your ex, will result in this. Asking him how she will be cared for the day of is a perfeclty legit answer. Demanding so and so take care of her... it's very close to over stepping. He's her father. I'm sure he has taken steps to make sure someone watches her. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Had you been consistent in this thread that your only concern was who was going to look after her during this day then advice saying something like 'just casually ask him' would be an end of the matter. And since your coparenting style with him is as it is you would not even have had to ask the question on here in the first place - it would be a normal way of interacting with him. But you have not been consistent from your first post on the issue and it seems apparent that your real motivation, even if you don't recognise it within yourself, is really resentment of the fact that your ex wants your daughter to be a flower-girl at his wedding to the woman with him he cheated on you. And whereas that resentment is totally understandable you should bury it in the interests of your daughter. Annie gave me the advice to ask him to appoint someone to look after her. It is on page 2 or 3. I agreed. THEN people started attacking me that I am overstepping my rights by simply asking him to do this one little thing!!! Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 You want something I don't. I'll agree under one condition. Sounds more like blackmail than compromise but not really the point. I agree with DN that if it were just about picking a caretaker and you both communicate well as co-parents, this thread would've ended on the first page or not even exist. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Annie gave me the advice to ask him to appoint someone to look after her. It is on page 2 or 3. I agreed. THEN people started attacking me that I am overstepping my rights by simply asking him to do this one little thing!!! Because you said if he doesn't 'she want be a flower girl'. That is over stepping. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Nope. You want something I don't. I'll agree under one condition. You get what you want. I get my peace of mind. This kind of rationalization does NOT APPLY when the other person is EQUAL to you. You are missing this point. You do not hold more power then the other parent. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 This kind of rationalization does NOT APPLY when the other person is EQUAL to you. You are missing this point. You do not hold more power then the other parent. Excellent way of putting it. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Sounds more like blackmail than compromise but not really the point. I agree with DN that if it were just about picking a caretaker and you both communicate well as co-parents, this thread would've ended on the first page or not even exist. I asked if I were crazy to be uncomfortable with it. I AM uncomfortable with it. I find it inappropriate. BUT I will let that slide and focus on her being safe for the day. And I didn't say we are not equal. In fact... I would be ok if he tells me he is uncomfortable with something and has a condition. I predict there will be a lot of compromises like these in out future. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Annie gave me the advice to ask him to appoint someone to look after her. It is on page 2 or 3. I agreed. THEN people started attacking me that I am overstepping my rights by simply asking him to do this one little thing!!!Well, you can cast it as attacking if you wish but I for one am trying to give you what I think is constructive advice. I do think you are overstepping your rights and I don't think that serves you or your daughter because it can rebound upon you in ways you can't even see right now. You say it is one simple thing - but the reason I am posting so much on this thread is in an attempt to get you to see a more important principle - and that is that he is as competent to look after your daughter as you are. By asking him to do this 'one little thing' you are questioning his judgment and competence and I am surprised you can't see that. You don't have to agree but you should respect his abilities as a father in the same way you would expect him to recognise yours as a mother. I am also concerned that you are subconsciously using this issue as a means of payback - again, understandable but unwise. You need to really understand your own motivations here. . Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Because you said if he doesn't 'she want be a flower girl'. That is over stepping. Well I stand by it. If he doesn't take into account my concerns then I'm sorry... it ain't happening. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well I stand by it. If he doesn't take into account my concerns then I'm sorry... it ain't happening. *sigh* Then that isn't co parenting. Even now you aren't co parenting. You are parenting and not letting him parent. Why don't you ask the man how he is going to handle her being looked after. I'm more than sure he will already have that worked out. Most weddings one family member is designated to watch the kids thouroughly. No person in the world is going to let harm come to a child at a wedding. It's not like they are all going to be standing around watching your child play with a knief and not take it from her. I udnerstand parents think they are the only ones who can watch their children but geez. At this rate I'll be surprised if she goes off to school because God forbid someone doesn't watch her. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well I stand by it. If he doesn't take into account my concerns then I'm sorry... it ain't happening.That is a declaration of war and I think it is a) unwise and b) unfair. I think your chances of successfully co-parenting this child have just plummeted and that she is going to be one unhappy kid as this attitude persists. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 As I said, if he was ever uncomfortable with anything I do as a parent I expect him to tell me that and we'll work towards compromising. Neither of us wants our daughter to be a sack of potatoes we drop on each others doorstep and say ''she's your concern now''...do whatever you want. I am not like that. I am invested in whats going on when she is at her father's and he is invested in whats going on when she is with me. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well I stand by it. If he doesn't take into account my concerns then I'm sorry... it ain't happening. Not co-parenting Not common ground Not compromise Blackmail Controling Threatening Link to comment
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