DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 But my concerns over who gets to watch her - not letting it slide. To be honest, it seems that you are grasping on to that idea as a means to justify your actions because you are playing the "concern for her safety" card as if it trumps all other issues. But she will be safe, the idea that she would not be is frankly ludicrous unless these people are cretins. You are no more capable of determining her safety than he is. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 But as you have said, this is not life altering. A major role, yes. Life altering? No. Wel he is doing something life altering and she is to have a big role in it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 No. If it was a random family function they wouldn't be busy with other things such as a WEDDING and would watch her religiously. My husband would be around her constantly... this way he won't be. A wedding doesn't mean he's going to be looking at his wife the whole time. There will be times when they aren't joined at the hip. I think you are blowing this wedding up and it's going to not be a problem. I agree with the poster who asked above, what if he says the BMs are adequeat watchers? Will you then say she can't be in the wedding? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 To be honest, it seems that you are grasping on to that idea as a means to justify your actions because you are playing the "concern for her safety" card as if it trumps all other issues. But she will be safe, the idea that she would not be is frankly ludicrous unless these people are cretins. You are no more capable of determining her safety than he is. Where they're getting married is a huge venue! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Wel he is doing something life altering and she is to have a big role in it. It's life altering for him but not HER. If he was wnating her to go into beauty pagents I could understand but all she has to do is walk down the aisle and throw petals. Nothing life altering about that. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 A wedding doesn't mean he's going to be looking at his wife the whole time. There will be times when they aren't joined at the hip. I think you are blowing this wedding up and it's going to not be a problem. I agree with the poster who asked above, what if he says the BMs are adequeat watchers? Will you then say she can't be in the wedding? I'll tell him that I disagree and to find someone I know. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Where they're getting married is a huge venue! This doesn not mean people are not going to watch out for her. You act like people who aren't parents are who are the parents of a child will just ignore a child in danger. They won't. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Where they're getting married is a huge venue!So what. You are making imaginary dragons here. His family will there. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I'll tell him that I disagree and to find someone I know. And if he doesn't? How far are you willing to push it and ruin it for your daughter? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 And if he doesn't? How far are you willing to push it and ruin it for your daughter? Oh come on?! Again...I'm not asking him to donate a kidney! All he has to do is appoint someone we both know and trust! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Oh come on?! Again...I'm not asking him to donate a kidney! All he has to do is appoint someone we both know and trust! The point we are trying to make is it's not YOUR job to stand over him and watch him parent. Accept he has already chosen someone and drop it! He trusts them, therefore if you trust him you should trust his judgment in picking a care giver out. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 So what. You are making imaginary dragons here. His family will there. And all I ask is for one of his family be there to look after my kid. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 The point we are trying to make is it's not YOUR job to stand over him and watch him parent. Accept he has already chosen someone and drop it! He trusts them, therefore if you trust him you should trust his judgment in picking a care giver out. Choose someone I don't know and my daughter doesn't know? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Choose someone I don't know and my daughter doesn't know? Your daughter also doesn't a baby sitter you interview to baby sit for her either but EVENTUALLY she does get to konw them. The point is his fiancee knows her. Even as a future bride myself, my niece will be getting ready for us. She's two. I may be getting ready but I will be keeping an eye on her just like her mother will. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 And all he may be saying is "trust me that I know these people well enough and can make my own decisions" You do not trump him. Bottom line. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Your daughter also doesn't a baby sitter you interview to baby sit for her either but EVENTUALLY she does get to konw them. The point is his fiancee knows her. Even as a future bride myself, my niece will be getting ready for us. She's two. I may be getting ready but I will be keeping an eye on her just like her mother will. Well do not make a presumption that every early twenties girl is that maternal. I know many who are not and wouldn't battle an eyelid if a child near them was playing with a knife. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 this whole 'looking after' business......your daughter is 5...not an infant. Is she supposed to be on the sister's lap for the ceremony and then spoon fed reception?? Are you being realistic in what will probably occur even if someone is 'watching' her? Her grandparents will want to mingle and dance surely...even the aunt. I'd get comfortable with the idea that no matter who is 'appointed' to watch her, that she WILL be interacting with the entire wedding party, other kids, guests etc for most of the day. HOw are you planning on ensuring that someone is 'looking after' the way you expect? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well do not make a presumption that every early twenties girl is that maternal. I know many who are not and wouldn't battle an eyelid if a child near them was playing with a knife. No but her future stepmother will be there. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well, I'm sorry but it appears to me that this has far more to do with wanting some sort of power over what happens at his wedding and I think you need to re-examine your motivations here because you are likely to repeat this self-righteous behaviour in the future and it is potentially very destructive. This one instance may not matter very much in the greater scheme of things but it shows a mind-set that will become self-justifying and possibly cause immense harm. Your unwillingness to see any other point of view despite so many people being in agreement that your attitude is unwise is not a good indicator for harmony when similar issues come up as your daughter gets older. Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 This may have already been said, but at some point you are going to have to trust that this little girl's father is looking out for her, and loves her, just as much as you do. I'm sorry you are alone and having to watch your cheating ex get re-married. I do feel for you, I really do, but your daughter is innocent. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Cadence, you have three issues going on here: the logistics of making sure she is watched during the commotion, your feelings about your daughter's involvement in the wedding of the women who broke up your marriage, and your daughter's feelings. I think the first issue of having her watched can be solved by requesting that his sister take responsibility for that, or by hiring a sitter for the wedding who stays with your child until the moment the child walks down the aisle. See if you can't negotiate that with your ex and then you'll know your daughter is safe. Regarding your feelings, yes, i think it is very tacky and insensitive under the circumstances to have your daughter be IN the wedding though not AT the wedding since like it or not, this woman will be her new stepmother and hence they will spend time together as a family in future, and this is a family event. So very distasteful in terms of sensitivity to your feelings or propriety in general. Regarding your daughter's feelings, at 5 she will be excited about the pretty dress and flowers and twirling around amidst all the pageantry of the wedding. It will be a fun exciting event for her where she frankly won't be thinking about the significance of the wedding other than it being a grand affair full of flowers and pretty dresses and cake and lots of people. So if you get the sister to agree to mind her and if not the sister than a 'neutral' sitter that you hire to attend, everything should be fine and it will just be a blip on your radar. Regarding your feelings, you ex has shown himself to be uninterested in your feelings since the very beginning of starting to cheat with this woman, so this just confirms he's a lunkhead and you're better off without him. In your mind, separate the idea of your daughter's safety (which is a logistical problem that can be solved) from the idea that he is an insensitive jerk, which you've know since he first cheated on you, and this is just another bump in that road so don't let it totally derail you. Link to comment
avman Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I think this thread is really going nowhere now. This thread is closed. Link to comment
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