OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 There is a difference in being invested, and controlling it. You are traveling down the same road as my parents and all I can say is, I feel your child's future pain. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 So you think that he shouldn't care what I think? At all? I tell him that I am not ok with something and he just goes on without a care in the world? And I simply let it go? Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Have you even asked him what his plan is for this day or just assumed all along that their dangerous wedding needs your interference, conditions, approval, etc.? Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 So you think that he shouldn't care what I think? At all? I tell him that I am not ok with something and he just goes on without a care in the world? And I simply let it go? He can care what you think and still make his own decision. My husband and I make our own decisions while hearing each other out. It doesn't always mean we do what the other person wants or "meet the other's conditions" for fear of consequences. Sometimes we get what we were hoping for and sometimes we don't. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Have you even asked him what his plan is for this day or just assumed all along that their dangerous wedding needs your interference and conditions? As far as he implied, she'll be hanging around getting ready with the bridesmaids. None of which I know. So you guys think co-parenting is just simply not caring how your ex SO feels? I do something my ex doesn't like and he needs to keep his mouth shut, he does what I don't like and I need to keep my mouth shut? That leads to frustration with each other ad is not a healthy environment at all! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 So you think that he shouldn't care what I think? At all? I tell him that I am not ok with something and he just goes on without a care in the world? And I simply let it go? Not saying that. But the reason you aren't okay with it, if you were honest with yourself, is he is marrying the woman he cheated on you with. You said yourself you find it inappriopriate. Well, I find it selfish that a parent would draw lines in the sand with their child and put the child in the middle. What if your daughter WANTS to be their flower girl? Are you going to explain to her that mommy thinks daddy is a horrible father and because he wouldn't go by her demands, she can't be in his wedding? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 He can care what you think and still make his own decision. My husband and I make our own decisions while hearing each other out. It doesn't always mean we do what the other person wants or "meet the other's conditions" for fear of consequences. Sometimes we get what we were hoping for and sometimes we don't. But what is really the condition I set here? Him appointing a member of his family to look after our daughter? I didn't ask him to sell a kidney. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 As far as he implied, she'll be hanging around getting ready with the bridesmaids. None of which I know. So you guys think co-parenting is just simply not caring how your ex SO feels? I do something my ex doesn't like and he needs to keep his mouth shut, he does what I don't like and I need to keep my mouth shut? That leads to frustration with each other ad is not a healthy environment at all! How you are parenting is not a healthy environment either. It's not about not caring, it's about respecting the other as a parent, which you are not. I'm sorry, you aren't. This is HIS wedding. This is HIS day. And it's YOUR child togehter. While you have a right to want to know how she will taken care of, you do not have a right to say 'if this and this doesn't happen, she isn't in it'. You are playing a game with your child as the pawn and you will only hurt her. You have every right to tell him you are uncomfortable, but at least tell him the real reason. This whole 'safety issue' is ridiculous. As I said, you act like she will be playing with a knief and no one will stop her. And while you have a right to tell him, he has a right to tell you 'I understand this, I will take every precaution I can to make sure she is safe--which you should assume to beign with if you trust him--" and leave it at that. If you're real reason is you don't want her getting ready with the BMs, then ask if you can get her ready and drop her off. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 But what is really the condition I set here? Him appointing a member of his family to look after our daughter? I didn't ask him to sell a kidney. No but you are implying he hasn't already done that and he's too stpuid to look after the safety of his own child. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Not saying that. But the reason you aren't okay with it, if you were honest with yourself, is he is marrying the woman he cheated on you with. You said yourself you find it inappriopriate. Well, I find it selfish that a parent would draw lines in the sand with their child and put the child in the middle. What if your daughter WANTS to be their flower girl? Are you going to explain to her that mommy thinks daddy is a horrible father and because he wouldn't go by her demands, she can't be in his wedding? If he is going to be that petty and not go with this one condition then he really doesn't care that much if our daughter is going to be a flower girl. If he wants her to be one even a little bit, he will take my concerns into consideration. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 So you guys think co-parenting is just simply not caring how your ex SO feels? No I think it means that you trust them to parent and you don't need to know the whole agenda and all attendees to feel like she'll be safe at a big family party. You don't feel the need to imply restrictions, make threats, insist on conditions. You say how you feel "I hope she has a great time and I hope someone will be looking after her while you're busy with wedding stuff" and then let it go. You don't think you know more, care more, are smarter, more prepared, better suited, more responsible, more knowledgeable, or in any way capable of making a superior decision to his. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 If he is going to be that petty and not go with this one condition then he really doesn't care that much if our daughter is going to be a flower girl. If he wants her to be one even a little bit, he will take my concerns into consideration. And if you impose on him that he is a horrible father and if he doesn't meet your DEMAND, then you are the one being petty. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 How you are parenting is not a healthy environment either. It's not about not caring, it's about respecting the other as a parent, which you are not. I'm sorry, you aren't. If you're real reason is you don't want her getting ready with the BMs, then ask if you can get her ready and drop her off. I respect him as a parent, but I don't agree with every decision he makes just like he won't be agreeing with every mine. Ad how is me telling him I don't want her getting ready with the BMs any different exactly? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 And if you impose on him that he is a horrible father and if he doesn't meet your DEMAND, then you are the one being petty. I didn't say he's a horrible father, in fact I have said he's a wonderful father on numerous occasions. I don't agree with his decision in this particular case... Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Becuase you aren't telling him if he doesn't meet 'this and that demand' she won't be in it. She will still be a flower girl, but this will curb that unfounded fear you have of her being in a room of strangers at a wedding were everyone is just going to ignore her and let her run off. And I'm sorry, you dont' respect him as a parent. If you did, wondering if your daughter will be safe with him at his wedding would not be an issue. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 What you are doing is "my way or the highway". It is reasonable to be concerned about a child's safety. But there is no real concern here at this wedding, she will be safe, she will be looked after and she will be fine. How do I know this? Because you yourself have already told me so. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I didn't say he's a horrible father, in fact I have said he's a wonderful father on numerous occasions. I don't agree with his decision in this particular case... By giving ultimateums and everything you have said, you are implying he is a horrible father. More than one person has viewed this as such in this thread, and I think you need to sit back and think on that. If it were just one or two people who had this view then maybe they could be considered over zealous but MANY people think you are over stepping. And what exaclty is the decision you do not agree with? Marrying the woman he cheated on you with or having the gail to ask his DAUGHTER to be in his wedding? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Why would you keep your daughter from participating in 'traditional' wedding routine(i.e. getting ready with the bridal party)? Why would you purposely make your daughter miss out on that? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 What you are doing is "my way or the highway". It is reasonable to be concerned about a child's safety. But there is no real concern here at this wedding, she will be safe, she will be looked after and she will be fine. How do I know this? Because you yourself have already told me so. If it was my way or the highway she wouldn't be the flower girl at all. I said many times that it's not something I am personally comfortable with. But I will let down my guard and I hope he meets me somewhere in the middle. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 If it was my way or the highway she wouldn't be the flower girl at all. I said many times that it's not something I am personally comfortable with. But I will let down my guard and I hope he meets me somewhere in the middle. Please remember this thread when you remarry and you want her to be a flower girl or BM, but your ex is not comfortable with it. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 What you are doing is "my way or the highway". It is reasonable to be concerned about a child's safety. But there is no real concern here at this wedding, she will be safe, she will be looked after and she will be fine. How do I know this? Because you yourself have already told me so. Did anyone hear me when I said that not even the bride's stepmother would let her 6 year old get ready with the bridesmaids alone without her there?! Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 What people are trying to warn you about is that this mentality and self-talk leads sooo quickly and unconsciously to "well, if he really cared about you, he would have...." (talking directly to your daughter). It's a slippery slope and parents never intend to use or hurt their children but it happens all the time. People here are trying to tell you from personal experience that this is where you're headed when you start with "one little condition" and "if he really cared, he'd ....." Trust me when I tell you that you can be "the one who was looking out for her" but he could be the one who just let her be and have fun and play and you look like the crazy one with all the "safety conditions" and "she can go with you if....". It doesn't play out in your favor in the end. Several pages of people are suggesting that your reaction is very inappropriate to the reality of the situation and hopefully you'll examine that for the sake of your daughter. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Please remember this thread when you remarry and you want her to be a flower girl or BM, but your ex is not comfortable with it. Thats his right. I will expect him to compromise the same way that I did. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thats his right. I will expect him to compromise the same way that I did. You are not compromising though. It's your way or no way. You are not her only parent and you do not know better than he does. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Why would you keep your daughter from participating in 'traditional' wedding routine(i.e. getting ready with the bridal party)? Why would you purposely make your daughter miss out on that? Because I love to inflict her pain and misery. It's all on purpose. It's not a right of passage for pete's sake... she'll be fine and she'll have many weddings in her future. Link to comment
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