Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 This is evident in the fact you don't trust him as a father. This is a dangerous road you are going down. I hope one day you can look back and see were you made the wrong turn. But this is it, you are saying when he doesn't like yours you can talk about and come to an agreement. With him you make demands and he accepts them or not. He told you she would be with the BMs but that isn't good enough for you. You don't trust his judgement. I don't trust the BMs I don't know. And when I said that I the two of us can talk about problems, I meant that he also has every right to set a condition for me... He lets loose on one thing, I let lose on the other thing and we meet in the middle. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I don't trust the BMs I don't know. And when I said that I the two of us can talk about problems, I meant that he also has every right to set a condition for me... He lets loose on one thing, I let lose on the other thing and we meet in the middle. I just hope this doesn't have an ill effec ton your daughter, which, being in her position, I know it will one day. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 When my daughters were your daughters age my wife would take them shopping with her. I didn't say "make sure you do up their seat belts and that you keep a good eye on them in the store - kids can disappear really quickly". When I took them fishing with me, my wife didn't say "make sure they don't fall in the water or get a hook in their eye." But you would tell a babysitter or a nanny all the things to look after, right? Well, the BMs are going to be her sitters for the day. Sitters I've never met. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Meeting in the middle would be that you say "I want her to be safe" and he says "no problem, she'll be with the BMs who are friends of ours" Threatening is "I want her to be safe with someone I know personally and if not she won't be in the wedding. Agree??" Saying "he can tell me what to do in the future as well so that we're evenly demanding, mistrustful and bitter towards each other while our daughter suffers" is unhealthy. (And yes I know that's not what you actually said) Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 But you would tell a babysitter or a nanny all the things to look after, right? Well, the BMs are going to be her sitters for the day. Sitters I've never met. I wouldn't because if I have already chosen a baby sitter, I trust them. No need to let them know all the littles things that can go wrong. People know what not and what to do with a child. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I don't trust the BMs I don't know. And when I said that I the two of us can talk about problems, I meant that he also has every right to set a condition for me... He lets loose on one thing, I let lose on the other thing and we meet in the middle.I think this is the problem - you don't have a right (nor does he) to set conditions unless they are reasonable to both parties or involve some sort of real danger. And at some point (maybe not this point) you will have that conflict because not all situations are compromisable. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I just hope this doesn't have an ill effec ton your daughter, which, being in her position, I know it will one day. You see it very narrow-minded. We make sure we are both happy with the situation. He'll be happy, he'll have her as a flower girl, I'll be happy, I'll know who is looking after her and who she's with. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 You see it very narrow-minded. We make sure we are both happy with the situation. He'll be happy, he'll have her as a flower girl, I'll be happy, I'll know who is looking after her and who she's with.OK - that makes some sort of sense - not to me but to you. So why did you post this thread to begin with? It seems you already had a solution to a non-existent problem. I am not trying to attack you but I am curious. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 You see it very narrow-minded. We make sure we are both happy with the situation. He'll be happy, he'll have her as a flower girl, I'll be happy, I'll know who is looking after her and who she's with. No, I see it from the eyes of someone who had a parent who made 'demands' on the other. I know what she will go through. Yes, but that isn't the case, now is it? Because if it's not someone YOU trust, or YOU know in person, it's not good enough. Who he choposes to watch his child when she's in his care is not good enough for you. You already know who is in charge of watching her and who she will be with and this was not good enoughf or you. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Meeting in the middle would be that you say "I want her to be safe" and he says "no problem, she'll be with the BMs who are friends of ours" Threatening is "I want her to be safe with someone I know personally and if not she won't be in the wedding. Agree??" Saying "he can tell me what to do in the future as well so that we're evenly demanding, mistrustful and bitter towards each other while our daughter suffers" is unhealthy. (And yes I know that's not what you actually said) Wow...talk about paraphrasing. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 OK - that makes some sort of sense - not to me but to you. So why did you post this thread to begin with? It seems you already had a solution to a non-existent problem. I am not trying to attack you but I am curious. My question was to even let her do it at all. I asked was crazy to feel uneasy about her being the flower girl at my husbands wedding to his former mistress. Something no one replied to but instead started attacking. I eventually decided to let that slide... I also raised the safety concern - annie gave me the advice to have someone I know to look after her. Then everyone started saying how I have no right etc which is why I defended myself. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 The only reason you should feel uneasy about her being in the wedding is if you still had issues over the affair. If you are 'okay' with their relationship as you say, it wouldn't bother you. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 No, I see it from the eyes of someone who had a parent who made 'demands' on the other. I know what she will go through. Yes, but that isn't the case, now is it? Because if it's not someone YOU trust, or YOU know in person, it's not good enough. Who he choposes to watch his child when she's in his care is not good enough for you. You already know who is in charge of watching her and who she will be with and this was not good enoughf or you. I don't believe that a bunch of strange girls are good enough! No, I certainly don't! How can I?! With all due respect, you don't know me and my ex husband, I don't know your parents nor you so you can't possibly be in a position to compare us! I have absolutely different experience - a child I know whose parents just drop him of at each others house and let them do what they want while in the care of the other parent. Didn't end up well. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 The only reason you should feel uneasy about her being in the wedding is if you still had issues over the affair. If you are 'okay' with their relationship as you say, it wouldn't bother you. I will never be ok with them having an affair. Yes, the uneasy feeling is because of that... it doesn't mean that I don't wish them well or that I'm still in love with my xH. Plus, I said I am willing to let it slide. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 No one is sayign just drop off and not care. But there are certain things you have a say in and you don't. Major things yes... whether she's a flower girl or who watches her no. No, I don't know your ex but I'm sure he won't just leave his child to the wolves on the day of his wedding. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I will never be ok with them having an affair. Yes, the uneasy feeling is because of that... it doesn't mean that I don't wish them well or that I'm still in love with my xH. Plus, I said I am willing to let it slide. Of course it doesn't, but that is the sole reason you feel uneasy. Not because of your child's safety, but because of that. You are willing to let what slide? The fact she's his child and he wants her in his wedding? It's not your right to 'let it slidfe'. It's facts and you can't change them. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 No one is sayign just drop off and not care. But there are certain things you have a say in and you don't. Major things yes... whether she's a flower girl or who watches her no. No, I don't know your ex but I'm sure he won't just leave his child to the wolves on the day of his wedding. Well I believe that who watches my child is one of the major things. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well I believe that who watches my child is one of the major things. Yes but then it becomes when you cross the line in implying he can't chose who watches his own child or not. You have a right to wonder and worry, but it's a thin line to cross. Link to comment
DN Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 My question was to even let her do it at all. OK. Why would the idea that you have the right to 'let her' even cross your mind? And this is the point that I (and others I believe) are trying to make. Your words aren't matching your actions. On the one hand you say you have a right to ask questions and set conditions as some sort of co-parenting ideal but your first instinct was to assert the right to 'let her' be the flower girl. Don't you understand that you don't have that right? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Of course it doesn't, but that is the sole reason you feel uneasy. Not because of your child's safety, but because of that. You are willing to let what slide? The fact she's his child and he wants her in his wedding? It's not your right to 'let it slidfe'. It's facts and you can't change them. Me feeling uneasy about the affair is something I am willing to swallow. To bury it down. But my concerns over who gets to watch her - not letting it slide. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Me feeling uneasy about the affair is something I am willing to swallow. To bury it down. But my concerns over who gets to watch her - not letting it slide. I think if you really look deep down, as DN has said, who watchs her is just an extension of that uneasy feeling. You yourself admitted if it was a random family function you would trust them to be in charge of who watches her, but I think the fact it's their wedding does have a role to play it. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 OK. Why would the idea that you have the right to 'let her' even cross your mind? And this is the point that I (and others I believe) are trying to make. Yor words aren't matching your actions. On the one hand you say you have a right to ask questions and set conditions as some sort of co-parenting ideal but your first instinct was to assert the right to 'let her' be the flower girl. Don't you understand that you don't have that right? Well he did ask me. So, he wanted me to give my permission... Same thing I would ask of him if I were to do something life-altering and our daughter is to have a big role in it. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 The issue is that you don't trust him to choose proper care for her and feel the need to interject and control who she's with. What if he says he's heard what you have to say and finds them proper care takers as per his own parental judgement? Then what? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Well he did ask me. So, he wanted me to give my permission... Same thing I would ask of him if I were to do something life-altering and our daughter is to have a big role in it. But as you have said, this is not life altering. A major role, yes. Life altering? No. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I think if you really look deep down, as DN has said, who watchs her is just an extension of that uneasy feeling. You yourself admitted if it was a random family function you would trust them to be in charge of who watches her, but I think the fact it's their wedding does have a role to play it. No. If it was a random family function they wouldn't be busy with other things such as a WEDDING and would watch her religiously. My husband would be around her constantly... this way he won't be. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.