She would have kissed the sleepover guest "if he'd tried" and slept with him "if more confident"!

[CrapAtNC]

So I'm dating an actress. Have been for about a month. Everything is beautiful and loving and fun and sex-filled.

 

Last night she can't see me because she has friends over, a couple and a single guy. While smooching on the couch with me just now, she tells me that she really likes the single guy. I'm a bit shocked but not wanting to react, so I let her tell me more. She's liked him for a while but "I don't have the confidence yet," as she put it.

 

So I ask where he slept. They slept in different rooms (I believe her). I ask what would have happened if this guy she liked has tried to kiss her. While lying in my arms, she tells me she would have let him. So I asked if she would sleep with him; she says no. I ask why not. She says because she lacks confidence.

 

I tell her that I understand we're just dating, but that I'm a bit old-fashioned I guess because I find the idea of the girl I'm practically in a relationship with thinking it's OK to sleep with someone else. Also, I now feel like the guy she will be with until she gets more confident. :sad:

 

She says I have a choice now (I told her early on that I believe honesty in relationships is important because it gives the other person a choice, whereas if they don't know, they carry on in ignorance without considering their choices: to stay or go).

 

I say, "So my choice is to accept that you will sleep with someone you like while seriously dating me if you feel confident enough, or to go." She said yes. I go. No argument, no bad feeling. I told her I'm not angry, that I appreciate her honesty, but I just don't want to be in a messy relationship. She said good night.

 

She's an actress. I'm guessing she enjoys the drama. I'm tired of drama and choose to have nothing to do with it.

 

But have I been unfair? Is this what dating is all about? I'm 42; she's 29--in my day, things were more exclusive. Even though I don't allow myself to feel jealous, I still don't think I'd like to be sleeping with someone who I feel incredibly close to knowing that she is likely to sleep with another guy the next night (or has done the night before).

 

She cheated on her last three boyfriends. The last one was with me. Perhaps I was just the means for escape?

 

I'm not heart-broken or particularly hurt or angry, even though I really liked her a lot. I'm just wondering what others feel about this. Would you feel this set-up would have been OK? Was what she said acceptable?

 

Thanks for any feedback.

 

 

Crap

[snoopydog]

She cheated on her last three boyfriends. The last one was with me.

That pretty much explains everything.

 

She sounds like damaged goods emotionally.

[agent1607307371]

My guess - she thought she had the upper hand because she's the young hot part of the relationship.

 

I think what she said was unacceptable - mostly in the way she presented it and the way she wanted to handle it. I have no problem with open relatiosnhips but it doesn't sound like she wanted that (I can't imagine she'd have been happy if you'd told her you'd be sleeping with other people) and her timing was just ugly.

 

That said, she's a strong history of cheating and you are a part of that. Possibly she just extrapolated her expectations of you based on that.

[Fudgie]

Wow, that's nuts. I'm glad you left though without any real hurt feelings.

 

Sounds like she really likes guys' attention and maybe the drama. I think if you stayed, you would have had to deal with a LOT of messy stuff.

 

No doubt she would have cheated again.

[HeartGoesOn]

She showed you what she is...believe her, and move on. Unless you enjoy "sharing the pot," which I don't believe is the case, you'll only be setting yourself for much heartache.

[Day_Walker]

Unless you guys have agreed to be exclusive then you are just dating, which means both of you can sleep with others if you choose.

 

Personally, I dont see this girl as being the one that you should want to be in a relationship with, she has a history of cheating and cheated on her last bf with you. It is clear that she just gets a high from male attention. If you are looking for a relationship with this girl then you are looking in the wrong place.

[emma34]

you did the right thing!!

[DN]

Both of you did the right thing according to your own different standards. But I don't think either of you was wrong.

[LoveSoDeep]

Okay so what she did is no way shape or form cool.

 

But I have to say that just b/c she's an actress does not mean that's why she loves drama....She may in fact like drama but that's just her personality not all performers are like that. I'm an actress and I hate drama in my real life.

[fivespot]

She was telling you that you are good, but not good enough compared to this other guy.

 

I definitely would have handled it differently...there would have been an argument, I would have told her that she hurt me, and there would have been quite a few foul words as well.

 

You definitely did the right thing by calling it off though. I definitely would have made it known that she made an enemy for life tho

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You started sleeping with her before there was an agreement to a committed relationship...thems the breaks. When people choose to have sex with someone before there is any talk of a committed relationship, then it is simply no strings attached casual sex. Some people who choose to have sex while only in the dating stages may also choose to have sex with others they are just dating. At any rate, this woman is a serial cheater so if she can't remain monogamous while in an official relationship it is not surprising that she can't remain monogamous when in the just dating stages.

[timlondon]

You started sleeping with her before there was an agreement to a committed relationship...thems the breaks. When people choose to have sex with someone before there is any talk of a committed relationship, then it is simply no strings attached casual sex. Some people who choose to have sex while only in the dating stages may also choose to have sex with others they are just dating. At any rate, this woman is a serial cheater so if she can't remain monogamous while in an official relationship it is not surprising that she can't remain monogamous when in the just dating stages.

 

Really? I've never come to any agreement to start a relationship with any of my girlfriends... maybe you guys do things differently?

 

My take is that once you've had sex a few times and are doing stuff together a lot, it's pretty bad form for either of you to sleep with someone else and I would be pretty annoyed by it.

 

In fact thinking about it I would expect someone to say that they considered the relationship to be casual, rather than the other way round

[oldenoughtoknow]

You did the right thing, and I think you handled it amazingly well. Honesty is a wonderful thing, but the way she portrayed the information was nothing but hurtful. Maybe she was trying to goad you into an exclusive relationship. Wouldn't that be a nice bit of manipulation? Or, maybe something did happen the night before and she handed you the dirty work of breaking up. She's cheated before, right? I think you just dodged a bullet. Good work!

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, thanks very much for the feedback, everyone.

 

Yeah, we were more than dating--at least, it seemed to me to be more. Very affectionate. Eating dinner together a lot. Sleeping over at hers most nights. Perhaps it was a bit too much to fast.

 

She sent me a text just after I posted here (about midnight my time). She asked if we had just broken up. She said she felt bad when she saw how disappointed I was. Said she likes me and respects me and that's why she chose to be honest about her thoughts and feelings. Now she's confused and doesn't think she was very smart.

 

I've always been very nonchalant about the relationship and told her I don't get jealous but do appreciate honesty, so maybe I was giving the impression it would be OK. But then I have told her I'm not the kind of guy to be in an open relationship with someone I genuinely like.

 

Anyway, I agree with what most here are saying: as much as I like her and really have enjoyed the last month, she's probably just going to be trouble and pain for me (and her) and I don't want any part of that. She's told me she has messy relationships and I've told her I don't want one.

 

So . . . onwards and upwards. She was a gem (almost). But they do seem to get better and better each time. I just need to stop dating women who I find gorgeous but know deep down will just be trouble.

 

Thanks again, all, for the feedback. It really has helped.

 

Cheers!

 

 

Crap

[DN]

Now she's confused and doesn't think she was very smart.

 

Well, it's fortunate for you that she wasn't.

[DN]

BTW - what did you reply to her text?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Really? I've never come to any agreement to start a relationship with any of my girlfriends... maybe you guys do things differently?

 

My take is that once you've had sex a few times and are doing stuff together a lot, it's pretty bad form for either of you to sleep with someone else and I would be pretty annoyed by it.

 

In fact thinking about it I would expect someone to say that they considered the relationship to be casual, rather than the other way round

 

Sadly, in many cases without the conversation, one person assumes it is a relationship while the other person has no such intentions. Better not to assume...it takes 2 seconds to ask a direct question and get a direct answer about intentions..this way everyone is clearly on the same page without assumptions.

[CrapAtNC]

BTW - what did you reply to her text?

 

I told her I like and respect her too, but that it looks like we each want a different kind of relationship. I said I prefer loyalty and exclusivity and wouldn't accept someone I'm practically in a relationship with sleeping with someone else.

 

I thanked her again for her honesty and said she is now free to work on her confidence to get this guy she likes (but not by practicing on me). Said I'll get back to being in single but that I really enjoyed being with her.

[fivespot]

Sadly, in many cases without the conversation, one person assumes it is a relationship while the other person has no such intentions. Better not to assume...it takes 2 seconds to ask a direct question and get a direct answer about intentions..this way everyone is clearly on the same page without assumptions.

 

Yeah it is sad, but you are right...depending on the person, they may or may not feel like sleeping around during the "dating" stage is bad behavior.

 

It's good to have the conversation, but personally I feel like if I'm sleeping with someone, I'm ONLY sleeping with them, whether we're dating or in a relationship.

 

If that's TOO MUCH of a commitment for the other person (as it was once in one of my "dating" relationships) then you need to run far, far away from that person because they are stringing you along until they find something better. There are no exceptions to this rule, because it's not that hard to tell someone things aren't going to work out and we need to go our separate ways. At least to me, that's the honorable way to go about it.

[DN]

I told her I like and respect her too, but that it looks like we each want a different kind of relationship. I said I prefer loyalty and exclusivity and wouldn't accept someone I'm practically in a relationship with sleeping with someone else.

 

I thanked her again for her honesty and said she is now free to work on her confidence to get this guy she likes (but not by practicing on me). Said I'll get back to being in single but that I really enjoyed being with her.

Has she responded to that?

[agent1607307371]

I said I prefer loyalty and exclusivity and wouldn't accept someone I'm practically in a relationship with sleeping with someone else.

 

Ultimately then OP, you know what you must do. Don't getting involved with women who have bf's. Not surprised she didn't think sexual fidelity was a big issue for you.

 

Quality women (and men) behave in quality ways. That's how to spot a winner. I hope you find someone who is a better fit for you.

[pl3asehelp]

Really? I've never come to any agreement to start a relationship with any of my girlfriends... maybe you guys do things differently?

 

My take is that once you've had sex a few times and are doing stuff together a lot, it's pretty bad form for either of you to sleep with someone else and I would be pretty annoyed by it.

 

In fact thinking about it I would expect someone to say that they considered the relationship to be casual, rather than the other way round

 

Yeah. Agree with every part of this post.

[CrapAtNC]

agent, you're right. I take full responsibility. She's done nothing wrong, really--just something I don't want. But I do have a history of knowingly choosing the unsuitable ones. That's what I need to work on.

 

DN, she hasn't responded to my latest text yet. It was 1:30 a.m. when I sent it and she has to work today (it's 10:00 a.m. here now).

 

There's nothing really she can say to make me want to continue, because, as we all know, this can only be a messy relationship that will ultimately go nowhere and only cause pain. I chose the wrong person for me.

[DN]

What would you say if she said she would be exclusive with you?

[CrapAtNC]

Well, I know I'd like that. But I would have to tread carefully.

 

She cheated on the last guy because he was, in her words, 'evil' to her. They were also in a LDR, so there was no real 'overlap'. The one before that she cheated with an ex because her current boyfriend hadn't given her sex in three months.

 

She's not an out-and-out serial cheater, I'm sure. But I would always be concerned should things not quite be perfect that she might just go and 'cheat with reason'.

 

So, yes, I'd want that. But I would wonder if the niggling thought in the back of my head could be controlled. She's a great girl in every other way. I wouldn't want to cause unhappiness to her by trying to force an imperfect fit.