Question to women about men with lower earnings

[Blue Spiral]

Do you see a difference between being proud of a partner being valedictorian and owning a porche?

 

I don't know...for me, it depends on several things, including whether you're talking about it or just quietly proud (whether it's the car or degree or whatever). But, I'm sorry, I'll stop threadjacking.

[arcadefire]

I make more money than my bf. Do either of us care? No. There is so much more that matters in a relationship than money, but obviously this depends on how much a person values money, work life balance, is materialistic, etc. I also think that because we're both on the same bracket salary wise it really isn't that big of a deal. I can see money being a much more difficult issue is one is unemployed and the other is making a very meager living.

[waveseer]

Wow, reading all of this made my head swim. My minimum requirement is that the man be able to provide for himself and anyone for whom he's responsible. I don't expect him to provide for me, and barring an extenuating circumstance I wouldn't provide for him either.

 

I realize this means our finances will probably never mingle, but I've already been there and done that and paid the bill.

[SapphireNoir10]

Age is a factor here too. My bf is older and he earns more. Im younger I earn less because hes had longer to move up in the world.

 

Can he resent me for that, no.

[BriarRose]

Didn't her "money' come from an IPO? it's not like she worked and sweated her way up the ladder, right? easy come easy go. This is newfound money for her and she is losing her head to it. People with "real" money don't speak about how much they have.

[StrawberryYogurt]

That woman has some seriously messed up values about money and your friend should've figured that out a long time ago and said good bye to her a long time ago. There are many women like that, but also many who are much more down to earth, it's usually not hard to figure out who is what. To OP, don't worry man, you being a senior engineer is pretty impressive.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I ask this because I have never heard a man say that he is concerned about being the primary breadwinner or have to carry the major chunk of the financial load.

 

Well, now you've met me It's a large concern of mine since I do make good money, but I'm pretty frugal and I despise working and corporate ladder and all that BS. That's why I could only be with a girl who's frugal as hell, too.

[Unreasonable]

In this economy, taking the "safe, easy" job may be better than a risky, demanding, higher paying job. The unemployment rate is still rising, it just isn't rising as much.

 

Better to have a lower paying safe job than no job at all right now imo. Not like you can just jump into another job these days.

[shes2smart]

People with "real" money don't speak about how much they have.

 

yup. and unless they're celebrities, they tend to live low-key lifestyles on a day-to-day basis.

[grendel]

I think it's nutty that a woman would require a man to make more than herself. If she makes a lot of money, isn't she better equipped to be with a poor guy than if she was poor herself? I'm reminded of an episode of Cheers I saw once where this woman won the lottery and then dumped her working class boyfriend for some millionaire because since she had money, she felt deserved someone who had even more money than her. It makes no sense whatsoever and yet the senselessness wasn't even discussed in the program.

[lostnscared]

Just read another thread about a woman who did deal with a guy who had lower earnings than her, and it very much effected how she feels about him and her relationship with him.

Even if the roles were reversed, I'd say that typically it's a good idea to be with someone that has similar or "close to" the amount that you make, and if not, at least similar values toward money and spending. Otherwise I feel as if for some odd reason those types of relationships hardly work. I have known women who dated a man that had lower earnings or lower education and it hardly worked out because overtime the woman grew resentful or didn't respect the man. I'm not saying this ALWAYS happens, but I would say that it seems to me that when people date/marry people with similar incomes or at least similar values toward finances and careers it often has much better outcome than the opposite.

[Cognitive_Canine]

The thread you are talking about is a woman in a relationship with a high school dropout who is in his 30's, living with his parents, and without a car. He also has extremely low self esteem and she constantly has to reassure him.

 

Hardly a comparable situation to the OP's.

[lostnscared]

The thread you are talking about is a woman in a relationship with a high school dropout who is in his 30's, living with his parents, and without a car. He also has extremely low self esteem and she constantly has to reassure him.

 

Hardly a comparable situation to the OP's.

 

Yes it's an extreme situation, but in my experience when I hear that a woman is with a man with lower earnings that usually is what the case has been. I've had friends basically be the "sugar-mama's" to these men. Paying for dates, paying for vacations, paying larger chunk of rent, etc. The circumstances are not as extreme as the other thread, but typically these men have lower salaries--so not as much flexibile or disposable income, and can't contribute as much to fixed and variable expenses. These men ususally do have their own places, working cars, and can hold their own, but they can't really contribute as much toward dates, rent, vacations and so on, and the woman is having to shell out more of her cash to supplement the difference.

[Gilroy]

Age is a factor here too. My bf is older and he earns more. Im younger I earn less because hes had longer to move up in the world.

 

Can he resent me for that, no.

 

Didn't her "money' come from an IPO? it's not like she worked and sweated her way up the ladder, right? easy come easy go. This is newfound money for her and she is losing her head to it. People with "real" money don't speak about how much they have.

 

In his case he is older than her but makes less money than her. That is the problem. She is one step higher than him in position, makes more money, and holds lot more stocks than him. Thing is he also holds the same stocks (they work for the same company) but just less in number. She joined pre-IPO and has more.

[Iceman26]

If I were your friend I would have laughed in her face and walked off long ago.

 

I could understand if she had concerns security/stability, but it sounds like your friend does alright for himself for his age. Neither you nor your buddy should get down about this at all.

 

I hope that he avoids this human ATM machine in the future.

[Gilroy]

I have known women who dated a man that had lower earnings or lower education and it hardly worked out because overtime the woman grew resentful or didn't respect the man.

 

This is exactly what happened to my friend and the reason I started this thread.

 

Only good thing is she foresaw how the future would play out and called it off before going that far. For that I appreciate her.

[lostnscared]

This is exactly what happened to my friend and the reason I started this thread.

 

Only good thing is she foresaw how the future would play out and called it off before going that far. For that I appreciate her.

 

Honestly, for the women I've known who've dealt with this, that has been what I've seen. At first it's okay. Then overtime it becomes more of an issue. I think it becomes an issue when the woman realizes that she'll have to carry more of the financial load, pay more of her hard earned cash toward living expenses, rent and so on, dates, vacation, etc and that he isn't contributing as much. I know that most people want a relationship to be balanced--to where both people feel as if the other is contributing equally in one way or the other(finances aside). So I can understand why overtime, an "unequal" finance situation could lead to tension and resentment.

 

The same can go for men. I've known male breadwinners that eventually, overtime, feel resentful and even a bit underappreciated because they're essentially paying for their wife to stay at home and so on. Though the main difference I've noticed is that because it is more traditional for the male to be a breadwinner it isn't as big of a deal or doesn't cause as much havoc on a relationship as it does when a woman makes more than the man and in turn becomes the main breadwinner.

 

Society has made it so, that certain roles are expected, and other roles are taboo. When we get into the "taboo" zone, because get uncomfortable, feel misplaced, and may even grow to not like the fact that they aren't fulfilling the roles that society has taught them to fulfill. case in point, a woman being resentful that the man--who traditonally is the breadwinner--is not, and that she is, and she begins to not like carrying what she deems the "male" burden.

 

I'm not saying this is always the case, but as far as the women I know it is the case.

 

But it really does boil down to the woman, and to the values and the relationship.

 

Because there are quite a few women who don't care about financial standing.

 

Knowing myself, I don't think I would be okay having to carry more of a financial load than my husband.

[FarthestEdge]

This is exactly what I want to know. Is this seriously true????

 

Not here...

Uugh.. I only read half of the opening post before I got so disgusted i stopped reading...

 

I imagine if HE had had the good fortune of timing to get in on the stock options instead of her, she'd be banging down the door to get her hooks in him.

 

What an effin' princess. He's saved himself some grief.

 

I have made more money than DH for most of our marriage. So what? What matters to me, and has always mattered to me, is that I trust that he will do what is in his power, and whatever is necessary to keep a roof over our heads and keep his kids fed. We are a TEAM. We each contribute according to our own abilities. So I make more money than him...He has saved us as much or more of the difference over the years remodelling our home, fixing our cars, and finding ways to save us money.

 

I have NEVER felt superior to him because I earn more, nor will he, I believe if the tables ever turn. It doesn't matter WHO makes more, it matters that WE have enough, and we're both doing what we can.

 

When I married DH, certain family members were concerned that he wouldnt' be able to 'keep me in the style to which I was accustomed' as my family as a whole, had more money than his...I told the one person who had enough courage to say it to my face that:

 

"First off, it is not up to any man to maintain a standard of living for me. It is up to me to be able to look after myself, which I can. Secondly, he may never be a Doctor, a Lawyer, or a Wall Street Banker but he will always do whatever is necessary, even if it's flippin burgers or collecting trash to make sure our children are fed and clothed..."

 

His integrity and work ethic means more to me than his income.

 

You friend dodged a bullet IMO.

[Lowconfidence]

OP, I can understand why the female you mentioned might be hesitant about making a long-term commitment to your friend. She makes 20K more a year, has more assets in stock options, is in a higher position, and is younger than him. Most women prefer men who earn the same if not more income wise.

 

There's also the possibility the girl's family, close friends, and co-workers are asking why she should settle for your friend who makes less money and has less ambition than her. I know if my sister was dating some guy who made half of what she made(her earnings are in the higher end) I'd tell her she could do better.

[Gilroy]

The same can go for men. I've known male breadwinners that eventually, overtime, feel resentful and even a bit underappreciated because they're essentially paying for their wife to stay at home and so on. Though the main difference I've noticed is that because it is more traditional for the male to be a breadwinner it isn't as big of a deal or doesn't cause as much havoc on a relationship as it does when a woman makes more than the man and in turn becomes the main breadwinner.

 

This part seriously angers me. Women talk about equality all day long but can never let go of the basic instincts, can they???

 

"I am an independent, successful woman. Ok now can you pay the bill? Because... ahem... you are a man" ](*,)](*,)

 

Another question is - If it is expected for the man to shoulder all the financial burden then what exactly happens to the money earned by the woman??

 

Sorry for the angry tone but this is really frustrating... I feel so much hypocrisy and double standards with the whole Feminism and lib movement.

[Gilroy]

OP, I can understand why the female you mentioned might be hesitant about making a long-term commitment to your friend. She makes 20K more a year, has more assets in stock options, is in a higher position, and is younger than him. Most women prefer men who earn the same if not more income wise.

 

There's also the possibility the girl's family, close friends, and co-workers are asking why she should settle for your friend who makes less money and has less ambition than her. I know if my sister was dating some guy who made half of what she made(her earnings are in the higher end) I'd tell her she could do better.

 

Awesome man. Lets throw away all the personality, caring attitude, character, sense of humor and start counting the pennies!

[Gilroy]

"First off, it is not up to any man to maintain a standard of living for me. It is up to me to be able to look after myself, which I can. Secondly, he may never be a Doctor, a Lawyer, or a Wall Street Banker but he will always do whatever is necessary, even if it's flippin burgers or collecting trash to make sure our children are fed and clothed..."

 

Your husband is a very very lucky man!

 

Wish there were more women like you!

[FarthestEdge]

This part seriously angers me. Women talk about equality all day long but can never let go of the basic instincts, can they???

 

"I am an independent, successful woman. Ok now can you pay the bill? Because... ahem... you are a man" ](*,)](*,)

 

Another question is - If it is expected for the man to shoulder all the financial burden then what exactly happens to the money earned by the woman??

 

Sorry for the angry tone but this is really frustrating... I feel so much hypocrisy and double standards with the whole Feminism and lib movement.

 

I agree with this.

 

Hope that helps...Not ALL women are like this...best for your friend to have weeded one out though..

 

I know women on both sides of the spectrum, and many in-between...To be fair, I also know MEN who can't deal with their women making more...

 

The trick is to find someone who shares your values on the matter...

[lostnscared]

This part seriously angers me. Women talk about equality all day long but can never let go of the basic instincts, can they???

 

"I am an independent, successful woman. Ok now can you pay the bill? Because... ahem... you are a man" ](*,)](*,)

 

Another question is - If it is expected for the man to shoulder all the financial burden then what exactly happens to the money earned by the woman??

 

Sorry for the angry tone but this is really frustrating... I feel so much hypocrisy and double standards with the whole Feminism and lib movement.

 

I'm not saying that most or even all women think this way, but I do know several who do. My dad was the primary breadwinner in my family. Matter of fact my mom didn't have to work, and we never struggled, we were a typical upper class family.

 

In turn, because of this, my dad has certain expectations for the men we bring home. My sisters would *never* date or marry a man that made less if not more than what they make. And though they plan to make their own hard-earned cash, they need and want a man who can his own in the same financial bracket as they are because it demonstrates similar values, understanding and "tastes".

 

I don't think they are wrong for wanting that. Nor do I think your friend's gf was wrong for wanting what she wants. People are very much entitled to want certain things in their relationships.

 

I've always told myself that I would never want to marry a man that made significantly less than I did because I don't care to be the primary breadwinner. But I also don't necessarily *need* or want a man to be the primary breadwinner either. I actually prefer that me and the man make similar incomes, or at least in the same income bracket(or close to) so that neither one of us is feeling more of a burden or "unequal" in how much we contribute toward our marriage, expenses, etc.

 

I didn't like the fact that as a stay at home mom, my mom was completely dependent on my dad to take care of her. And after their marriage ended. I vowed to never be in that situation. I also vowed to never be in my dads situation and have that "burden".

 

So for me, with my hard earned money I expect to contribute as much as possible to make things fair on my husband and I expect the same from him.

For other women--who knows, but I suspect that many of them eventually become stay at home moms hence the reason they wanted a man in good financial standing.

[Batya33]

It was not an issue if the man earned less than I did. It was an issue if he was financially unstable or lacked a good work ethic - I wanted someone with a strong work ethic and ambitious when it came to his career. Education was a separate issue - I strongly preferred to date men with at least a college degree because I wanted someone with compatible values about education and it was very unusual for me to meet a man in my age group who didn't at least have a college degree. I was looking for marriage and family and that's why the values were so important to me. I have a graduate degree.