Question to women about men with lower earnings

[lostnscared]

I have seen lot of women wondering why men are intimidated and do not wish to date them if they are ambitious and successful. Well the answer is right here in this thread. I think the problem is not with the men but with the women. The men know that successful and ambitious women would not respect them and stay clear of them. I think it is fair and makes sense. In general it looks like a woman will not respect a man that is less successful than her.

 

Oh please... I think your really generalizing here. Every woman is different. What woman may find attractive other will not. Not every successful or ambitious woman desires the same things in a partner.

 

Not to mention the fact that finances is not the only thing to consider in a successful relationship.

 

I would be okay with a man that wasn't as successful as I, if he was ambitious in his own career, held his own weight and if he could hold his own financially within our relationship. Success is relative anyway.

[lostnscared]

Yes I understand.

 

I just feel it is risky to go after a woman that makes as much or more than I do. Lot of women have expressed that it would not bother them but I feel they are exceptions rather than the general norm. I may not exactly do this when I date but right now this is how I am feeling.

 

Well how would you know what the general norm is--you haven't dated every woman, so you can't really make that assumption. Every woman is different(if you haven't figured out) and not everyone places the same type of value on a person's financial situation.

[Gilroy]

lostnscared I am a bit frustrated now and am ranting. So ignore about the generalizations.

 

Also your posts are a bit confusing (no offence). In one post you tell that you will not date a man that makes less than you. In another you tell that you are ok with dating a man that is not as successful as you.

[shes2smart]

I have seen lot of women wondering why men are intimidated and do not wish to date them if they are ambitious and successful. Well the answer is right here in this thread. I think the problem is not with the men but with the women. The men know that successful and ambitious women would not respect them and stay clear of them. I think it is fair and makes sense. In general it looks like a woman will not respect a man that is less successful than her.

 

It is your right to choose to live in fear and be intimidated.

 

Because, frankly, that's what you're choosing to do.

 

When I met my husband, I was a local celebrity - having been on the same station doing a show at the same time for 15 years. In some circles, I was kind of a big deal...and I made decent money. While there were certainly men who found my job and my general smart-ass personality intimidating, he never did.

 

Just as I was able to see past his (at the time) current outward circumstances and realize he was one of the good guys, he was also able to see past the (at the time) outward circumstances of my life and realize I'd be a good partner.

 

It's that vision you need to learn to develop. Because you'll still run the risk of a values mis-match even with your "I will only date women who make less than I do" approach.

[Gilroy]

I am not saying I am afraid and intimidated about successful women. I am saying that now I can better understand why some men are afraid and intimidated by successful women.

[shes2smart]

I am not saying I am afraid and intimidated about successful women. I am saying that now I can better understand why some men are afraid and intimidated by successful women.

 

Understood.

 

I think I inferred that from another comment you made about thinking it was "too risky" to go after a woman who was making as much or more than you.

[Gilroy]

Understood.

 

I think I inferred that from another comment you made about thinking it was "too risky" to go after a woman who was making as much or more than you.

 

Right now that is how I am feeling. And while I felt that that is when I realized why some men would hesitate to go after successful and accomplished women. They might have probably been burnt like my friend in the past or may have seen some of their friends getting burnt like this. So it only makes sense for them to not go after such women. While those women are wondering "why are men intimidated by successful and independent women?"

[lostnscared]

lostnscared I am a bit frustrated now and am ranting. So ignore about the generalizations.

 

Also your posts are a bit confusing (no offence). In one post you tell that you will not date a man that makes less than you. In another you tell that you are ok with dating a man that is not as successful as you.

 

No I said I wouldn't make a man that made substantially less than I. Never said I wouldn't date a man that made less. And success has little to do with income. A man could be a successful teacher and only make 40k and I would still date him. A man could be a Pastor with a great church and only make 40K and I would date him.

 

I don't really correlate success with income.

 

And this thread wasn't about success, it was about earnings. TO me success and earnings are different, because success is very relative.

 

I'm sorry if I confused you though.

[lostnscared]

I honestly think your making a big deal about this. Your friends experience is just ONE experience. I think that you need to get out a bit, not every successful woman cares about those things.

[Gilroy]

No I said I wouldn't make a man that made substantially less than I. Never said I wouldn't date a man that made less. And success has little to do with income. A man could be a successful teacher and only make 40k and I would still date him. A man could be a Pastor with a great church and only make 40K and I would date him.

 

I don't really correlate success with income.

 

And this thread wasn't about success, it was about earnings. TO me success and earnings are different, because success is very relative.

 

I'm sorry if I confused you though.

 

Don't worry about it. I got confused and thought it is better to clarify with you.

 

Sorry if I ask another question. If a guy that you like (and likes you) is very successful in his field (say an artist) but his income is substantially less than yours what would you do?

[Gilroy]

I honestly think your making a big deal about this. Your friends experience is just ONE experience. I think that you need to get out a bit, not every successful woman cares about those things.

 

I know. As I said I got frustrated yesterday.... but also note that I am talking from my own bad experience as well. Not sure if you had a chance to read one of my posts in this thread about a girl that dumped me because she was employed and I was only working contract jobs at that time.

[lostnscared]

Don't worry about it. I got confused and thought it is better to clarify with you.

 

Sorry if I ask another question. If a guy that you like (and likes you) is very successful in his field (say an artist) but his income is substantially less than yours what would you do?

 

It depends on if he has the same values I have toward spending, and saving, and of course if he is able to take care of himself and as a partner could contribute enough so that I wouldn't feel as if I'm carrying a majority of our finances.

 

I'm very skeptical about those types of situation. Because I know too many women(friends of mine) that have dated men that made much less than they did, and they often found themselves having to pay for things ALL the time whereas their partner barely did much.

And being that I already had a negative experience dating someone that made less than I and didn't contribute as much as I did financially, I would really need to know what this artists values were, if he helped out with dates, vacations, what not, and as long as I wasn't the main person carrying us I would be ok.

[Gilroy]

Not too long ago I was having lunch with 2 female co-workers. One of them said "Me and my boyfriend are planning to travel in the next couple of months. I am just a tad worried about the expenses". And immediately the other woman said "Why do you have to worry? Ask your boyfriend to pay the expenses". I was like, wow!!

[lostnscared]

I admit, that like you, I'm jaded. I've dated two men that made much less than I. And overtime I found myself paying a majority of the time--for dates, for vacations, for everything. I became quite resentful.

 

In my latest relationship--the one that ended--he made less than me, and it wasn't the biggest deal. But there were times when I became resentful because there were situations where I found myself having to finance things with little help from him. Though this last year, that changed and he started doing more financially than I did--but that truly occurred when he started to save his money up and use his money more wisely.

 

That is why I'm the way I am about this topic. After 3 situations that I been in where I've been more financially "off" and yet felt like I was doing more financially. And with the last relationship, I realized that once his values changed toward money, things started to get better--which is why a person's value is JUST as important to me.

[newwave]

Right now I am unemployed, but when I do find a job, I'll likely be making a good salary. If by chance things workout and I end up with the guy I love, I'll likely be the bigger breadwinner. Does this bother me? not at all. In fact in a way it's good because then he'll be able to do more around the house. Even if I don't end up with him, I am all for guys who make less. This is also good because if I end up having kids, then it won't be expected that I'll quit my job.

[Gilroy]

See we all speak from our experiences. Too often we project our feelings based on past experiences in the posts that we write here. I saw tears in my friend's eyes yesterday, I recollected how 7 years ago I was dumped because I was on contract jobs but she was in a stable full-time job, and I remembered the comment made by a female colleague... all of this has an impact.

[FathomFear]

Yes it's an extreme situation, but in my experience when I hear that a woman is with a man with lower earnings that usually is what the case has been. I've had friends basically be the "sugar-mama's" to these men. Paying for dates, paying for vacations, paying larger chunk of rent, etc. The circumstances are not as extreme as the other thread, but typically these men have lower salaries--so not as much flexibile or disposable income, and can't contribute as much to fixed and variable expenses. These men ususally do have their own places, working cars, and can hold their own, but they can't really contribute as much toward dates, rent, vacations and so on, and the woman is having to shell out more of her cash to supplement the difference.

 

Completely agree that does not sound fun. Of course, that's exactly what countless straight guys put up with, though...

[Cognitive_Canine]

OP, you'll meet a variety of women with different ideas of what they want from a partner. If this woman isn't your cup of tea (I wouldn't like her), feel safe in knowing that there are plenty of different perspectives that you may find to your liking.

 

While I'd like a fairly ambitious partner, I'd be completely fine with being the sole breadwinner. I would like for one of us to stay home with the kids for the first 2-3 years of their lives and I do not care if it is my partner or I.

 

My best friend and her boyfriend plan on him being a stay-at-home dad who writes on his own time. While she plans on being the sole breadwinner.

[Gilroy]

OP, you'll meet a variety of women with different ideas of what they want from a partner. If this woman isn't your cup of tea (I wouldn't like her), feel safe in knowing that there are plenty of different perspectives that you may find to your liking.

 

While I'd like a fairly ambitious partner, I'd be completely fine with being the sole breadwinner. I would like for one of us to stay home with the kids for the first 2-3 years of their lives and I do not care if it is my partner or I.

 

My best friend and her boyfriend plan on him being a stay-at-home dad who writes on his own time. While she plans on being the sole breadwinner.

 

Thanks Cognitive.

 

This girl is the least of my worries... it is my friend's problems. What this incident did though is that it just surfaced my insecurities.. He is 30 years old and she told him "you are old and do not make enough money and don't have assets either". I am 35, live in an apartment and do not have any assets either That kinda got me worried but I understand that not all women are like that girl and even if I do happen to meet one I can just walk away knowing that we are a mis-match.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Maybe you are unhappy with your situation and this just brought that to surface?

 

I would worry less about what women think of you and more about what you think of yourself.

 

If you can find contentment and happiness with your situation, you can find a woman who will as well.

[Stay_home]

What you're friend had to deal with is a classic example of gold-digging foolery; money ain't everything and most of us are a paycheck away from being out on the street or short on money for groceries. That so called "woman" that you're friend was talking to better unplug herself from the wall.

[mustard1234]

...right

 

So I've distractedly seen this thread out the corner of my eye all week as I've come back and forth to whine about a completely unrelated and more personal issue elsewhere on page 1 of this sub-topic board.

 

Until just right now (as in

 

Awesome.

 

PS

My take: as long as emotional roles and bases are covered...we're post Y2K, get over it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

^^^

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the thread was about piercings.

[Gilroy]

haha.. sorry guys. it is of course "earnings" and not "ear rings"

[shes2smart]

....but the visuals one could imagine thinking of males with "lower earrings"......

 

Prince Albert, anyone?