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The eight week challenge - For the ladies

uncomfynumb

By uncomfynumb
in Breaking Up Advice

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squirl Contributor

squirl

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No contact, no seeing him. The problem is that we have the same circle of friends. Does that mean, that I should stop going to parties, where he will be?

 

I read your other thread and I definitely think you should keep going to the same parties with your friends regardless of whether he will be there.

 

The reason I say this is that from what you've written, this guy is emotionally abusive, cruel, spreads gossip and lies, and gets his power by isolating and manipulating you. Don't enable his isolation of you.

 

When dealing with such people, it is very important to socialize with groups and with witnesses. His true nature will come out, and he won't be able to treat you in such unacceptable ways with your other friends present.

 

This doesn't change the fact that you should remain in NC in matters where private communication between you and he are concerned.

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violetka Explorer

violetka

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I have not broken no contact, but have added him to my skype again to see if he is online (which i consider a setback, but at least he does not know i have deleted or have not deleted him). he has not deleted me, but he could not care less. I hate him so much

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violetka Explorer

violetka

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The thing is that i have broken up with him once before, and he always came to me to talk to me about some triviality at the party and start conversation, also to convince me to get back together etc. Even now he tried to manipulate me into going to his home to feed the pets, but I did not do it, now i am trying to figure out how to bring the pets home. We have swimming practice together, but I do not go, because I do not want to see him. The previous time we broke up he always started conversations and waited for me to walk me home etc I fell for that "lets be friends " thing, but little by little he convinced me to be with him. Of course then I did not know he was not attracted to me or didnt like me, but just thought he was rude to me and he appologized many times. So now i am working on changing the swimming times and am very doubtful about the parties. But I feel I will be stronger since now I know it is all false.

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crymeout Contributor

crymeout

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DAY 37...

 

confused to how i feel today, i am still very angry and know i deserve better, but part of me is still missing him and everywhere i go things remind me of him, i wish i could forget these things now..i guess in time they will fade.

 

i do not feel tempted to contact him as i hate him right now for saying them things to me and coming back and leaving again the last time. i dont think i could ever trust him again and that makes me sad.

to think the only guy i have ever loved and whome i felt a deep connection to hurt me so much that i could not allow myself to be with him again, is just so sad, especially after all we have been through and how i supported him through his deployment in afghan.

i guess we will never know how things could have been i guess this is my fate and we just wasnt meant to be, maybe i will meet someone who will make me feel that way again. But the way i feel now, no matter how much attention im getting and i am getting loads, they just dont compare to him and i cant picture myself with anyone right now......

 

i feel so very much alone in this world...

 

i still want him to call and text me so i would know he was thinking of me too, but i want to be strong enough to ignore it if and when it happens, i think i could do that now....i feel stronger in that sense.

 

i just wonder if he ever has things that remind him of me as i do him daily, we was together a long time, but then i guess guys are very different to girls and dont often dwell on the past they seem to look ahead and forget, dont you think?

 

who knows fates playing a cruel trick on me at the moment...

 

well done all you that are sticking to NC this really is the way to go even if it does hurt way too much, keep it up hang in there, best wishes everyone... x

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crymeout Contributor

crymeout

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Thanks Violetka.... the bit about idealize him in my mind, i agree i do think i do this alot. I guess for me i have dated many men and noone has treated me as good. But then towards the end noone has treated me as bad

its gone from one extream to the other really. And you right maybe i BIG HIM UP too much in my mind, maybe he wasnt that great after all, i dont know. all i know is i miss him and think about him all the time and i dont think that will change for a long time.

But at same time i dont want him back anymore because he hurt me way too much this time, its time to move on, if only i could get my heart and brain to catch up with me in this process and forget the things that once made me smile and look towards other things that will in the future, life then wouldnt seem so cruel....

 

thanks for the well done i am proud of myself to get to 37 days, after all i did break NC before at the beginning after 10 days or so and had to start all over again. I know how bad that made me feel and it didnt help in my healing at all. so i started my days again and now im day 37 and proud.xxx thanks hun

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brwneyedgrl333 Rookie

brwneyedgrl333

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crymeout...37 days is HUGE!! You should be proud! Good going and keep it up! The first month and a half was the worst for me and then things slowly and steadily started getting better. I'm now on day (have to count here quick!) 85 and going strong.

 

During the first month NC, it really helped me to make a pros/cons list of my relationship with my ex and add to it as needed as more incidents from our relationship came back to me. He really wasn't a very good person in alot of ways and I got the brunt of that. Turned out the negative side of the paper was much, MUCH longer then the positives.

 

I tended to stick him up on that danged pedestal believing at the time that he was the "be all-end-all" of my life. He's SO not. Like you..I don't want mine back either after a 2 plus year relationship. He hurt me far too much and the trust could never be repaired.

It DOES take time for our hearts to catch up with our heads unfortunately but it WILL happen!!

 

Stay strong...you're not alone and it will get alot easier !!! Hugs!

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crymeout Contributor

crymeout

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Thanks my sweet WOW 85 days now that is HUGE lol

 

well done you for keeping at it.

 

with my situation he really was a nice guy thats the problem, he WAS a marine recently left which i knew he was going to anyways and was looking to spending more time together since we would have more time and be closer in distance, how wrong was i.

he changed when he came back from afghan i wasnt the only one to notice, we broke up before when he came back after he took me on holiday, but got back together after i went NC he contacted me after 2 weeks NC.

the second time was in oct he left me again saying same things and that he just didnt feel the same anymore etc... he got back in touch with me after i went NC 9 days later, then he left me this time beg of feb telling me he didnt love me like a bf should, said he never missed me anymore when he was at work etc, he said he wasnt happy with anything life basically. so well i reckon he has PTSD as his mood swings were massive, he was so horrible to me, and it saddens me that these are my last memories of him.

This time he left me he said some really hurtful things, it was almost like he wanted me to hate him so he kept on saying horrid things like, i was boring i dont make the effort anymore he didnt fancy me he wanted a skinny girl with big boobs and a tan etc etc..............

 

that isnt the guy i met, the guy i met never even swore in front of me and it got to the point that he was swearing at me

 

its so complicated, but despite that i feel he really does need help and at one point i said to myself if he came back i may consider it IF AND A BIG IF, he got HELP and showed me he had....

 

but its been so long now, i dont think he is going to be on touch with me, all my friends were convinced he would be in time but are now saying the same,times going on and nothing....so well i have nothing left to do but hate him for how he treated me in the end and to move on

 

i will stop trying to put him on a pedalstal yet it is so very hard when i know the change in him is due to things he has witness and acted out etc, and yes i know he chose to be a marine but to be honest i dont think they make them that aware of how it will effect them, mentally. I seriously do worry for him, i do still love him, but i cant do anything but leave him now, he needs to help himself.....

 

xxx

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abigheart Enthusiast

abigheart

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Yeah I still love him and miss him. But I've spent the last eight weeks saying to myself like a mantra "why would I want to be with somebody who would abruptly leave for no reason?" That's almost the antithesis of what you look for in a man. And it eventually sunk in.

 

Great stuff in this thread ladies. Be strong!

 

I, too, have been dumped because my bf was not ready to commit to a long-term relationship now, even though we had been dating for 2 years. It was very much out of the blue...

 

So marsmlofluff - your mantra is something I've been trying to repeat to myself as well, thanks! I mean, why would I want someone who's lukewarm, unsure of his feelings for me, of the relationship.

 

But a part of me is hoping he'll turn around. I haven't reached the stage yet where you are at in that you know what you want and that it's ultimately not your ex.

 

I have kept up with NC with the exception of a brief e-mail last week that he sent to me letting me know my friend could drive me back down home, instead of my having to fly last minute. I said thanks for letting me know decided to ask how he was doing (which I shouldn't have done). But he responded back in friendly terms that everything was fine (psh! i hope not), and he asked a few things to me. I orig. intended on not responding, but I decided to just keep it short and NOT leave it open-ended. Done. It has been about a month now since he FIRST broke the news, and I wasn't immediately NC since then. I have taken down his stuff, put it in a box and returned some things of his at my place. However...I haven't deleted him from my facebook or removed pictures. Should I completely expunge him from my life? True, it really doesn't help me at all if I check his facebook everyday...

 

Also very important question. If he says not to wait for him, should I just take his word? I know that sounds naive but do people say what they really mean. I do want to get back with him but at the same time, it's okay if I don't. I DO want him to regret his decision as awful as that sounds.

 

Also ladies... You have no obligation to respond to someone who has kicked you to the curb.

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violetka Explorer

violetka

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Day three starts... I still feel angry...I should stop smoking and start eating. I do not feel so angry at him anymore, since it turns out that it is pretty common among men to have a relationship with women they do not find attractive just for the comfort of being with so...it is possible among women too. Even though I can never imagine that I can do this, since for me attraction is so important. However I am so angry at myself for not seeing it I did see signs, and my best friend, who is male told me, but I did not listen. My pride and ego did not allow me to think that it is possible that he does not like me. I hate myself right now and how naive I am, I should have known better . If I had not pressured him after sex to answer me about his lies and inconsistencies, I would never have known.

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crymeout Contributor

crymeout

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DAY 38 and feeling rather depressed but will not give in i hope in time it will get easier. I am still very angry at him yet i do miss him and miss what we had so much, but i know now that it can never be again because he has changed...

 

i just hope for a bright and big future ahead thats all i can do...

 

booked my driving test today arrrrhhhhh im scared. i hope i pass i hope i dont fail because of all this i am trying my hardest to keep focused on things.

its going to be hard when i have passed tho and ill be driving around in the car that my ex brought me

 

seems everything in my life reminds me, i guess thats the reality and thats how it goes for everyone, i know you are all going through the same thing and its torture, ihope we can all find the strength in ourselves to get through all this together, weather the exs come back or not, life moves on and we have to think about US now, and OUR happiness....

 

good luck peeps xx

 

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violetka Explorer

violetka

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I feel much better ...smoked only 6 cigarettes so far. talked to some ex boyfriends that assured me I made the right decision to dump him and that I am very attractive But i still feel very angry when I think about it. I keep using some mental techniques trying to say I am the master of my emotions and mind and the master of my life.

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1guygirl Collaborator

1guygirl

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day 35

 

jus noticed house i so wanted is now taking refs gutted...i jus wanted to move on and its another slap in the face i cudda done without, spesh seeing as i had initiated contact with the landlords and asked them if they would rent instead of selling. Now theyre renting it out to someone else. i really wanted this move to say "hey im not even doing NC anymore, its over, i dated some guy few months back, we split, no biggy, whens the next adventure??" ....guess not

 

ive not been too bad over ex, not great and not good....the ole rollercoaster i guess, three steps forward, two back malarky

 

plodding on is all i can do at this point, but im saving up money for a later date, new car new house new career...lets see what happens...

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violetka Explorer

violetka

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starting day 4. The horrible * * * * * * * of an ex is trying to contact me...I put a certain msg on facebook (cannot fit a square peg into a round hole) and he texted me on my phone something related to that. does this break the no contact rule on my part? should I stop writing messages on my facebook that can be interpreted as my opinion on our relationship? he is not on my fb, but his friends are...should i delete his friends?

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comicgal Rookie

comicgal

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Went pretty much all week without talking to him or seeing him. Only time I said anything to him is to talk about our daughter. Today I was late dropping our kid off at my moms and he came in. Didn't say a word to him since I was busy trying to keep the dogs from fighting, not to avoid him. Well today he breaks contact by telling me to drive safe, etc (took our daughter on her first road trip). I don't respond. Why should I right? Anyway, a good half hour later I get this text about how I must hate him and now I know he felt four years ago (I had GIGs). How he only stayed with me for our daughter. He sounded so vengeful, it made me sick. He says he's happy now. I texted him back that it's good enough for me that he's happy and I just want peace. I hope this is the last non child related message I get. I'll just ignore the rest. Tired of the spitefulness and resentment.

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jaygirl Enthusiast

jaygirl

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Hey violet. U haven't broken nc as long as u haven't replied! Don't delete his friends from facebook. I think its unnecessary. If u think he might be looking at ur page, then ignore facebook for a while. I would be upset if someone deleted me from fb because she broke up with my friend.

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