Ms Darcy Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Nah-im not a heavily pursue kinda girl-more like a "try to do the right thing if it kills me cause if it doesn't kill me my mom would kind of girl". I initiated convo and a meetup because I was the dumper but he was the first to say he wanted me back and just as it was before (no compromise). I tried to stand my ground but over the weeks eventually caved...and once I did its like he tried to reorganize the relationship into FWB-even tho it wasn't labelled it was NEVER like that-im not some fly by night chick! ... I'm just trying ti understand. He turned into a monster since we broke uo and it really hurts! I think he's got a lot of bitterness against you and probably did not take the time he needed to reaquaint himself with you to decide if he actually wanted a relationship again. Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 -Makethebest- How long were you two together/apart before you decided to get back with him? Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 @ Ms Darcy...I think he's a lunatic,gremlin,b*stard @ Deejmonster we were together a year...knew each other a year and a half before that. I gave it virtually no time...within 4 days I was saying "what a shame this was and how sad I was" and within four weeks I started coming back around. Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 i dated my ex for 2.5 years. She broke it off once before and took me back. She did it again in early January... Said she wanted space... time to think... so i begged and pleaded and then stared NC.... I am on day 16. I just want her back... I just hope things work out for you and likewise for myself. I just hate being rejected. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 25, 2010 Author Share Posted February 25, 2010 @ Ms Darcy...I think he's a lunatic,gremlin,b*stard This is classic! I think you should make it your signature! Roflmao! Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Awww @ deejmonster..this is my last ( not about the book post) as i'm hijacking uncomfynumbs thread. But I'm sorry you're going thru that. Stay strong Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I think this thread is about healing from a break up ... I don't think you are off on that topic! Much of healing is about learning about what you might have done better and what you want to do in the future. Clearly gremlins must be avoided in the future. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 25, 2010 Author Share Posted February 25, 2010 No! Please by all means hijack. This forum and this thread is so that we can share with one another. Trust me when I say that I don't mind at all! This forum is keeping me focused and I really appreciate the input from everyone and the fellowship. Thank you! Link to comment
BlueRizla Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 All men need is a pecker! Men are just different... Thats the usual narrow minded stance on men and their emotions. Maybe this is just your experience, though not an uncommon one. There are as many women out there who just need a vagina, one that is unconnected to their emotional brain.. but then I could say thats just my experience. And with regards to the 8 weeks thing.. yeah..a couple of months to get a call, but it would be churlish to think an ex had been able to initiate any sort of meaningful change in that time period. A quick look through past threads should tell anyone that this 'time' could be anywhere from 8 mins to 8 years.. and beyond. I'm always wary of books that deal in absolutes like this. The psychology in Bonnie Wells writing is much more valuable than the 6-8 weeks she proposes. It gives too many people false hope.. which is probably what she needs to sell her books. If you like that stuff find some of Mrsoandso's threads. Link to comment
carmie Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 "I agree with you and questioned that too. I don't think the eight weeks is the be all, end of all of time frames by any means but it is a starting point. Also, I added that social networking, chat, text etc. could possibly hinder this process which the author did not consider or write about. " I agree that chat/text has made NC difficult but so far, I believe NC is helping me get in touch with things. With me personally, i know i can't survive that 8 weeks without doing something to expend this excess energy of thinking about him. i was thinking of picking up some dance classes or anything that interests me, instead of mopping around and crying. i noticed though that i preferred the crappy situation at work (i do OT now just to fill my time at nights) than staying at home and crying. my ex kept texting me about menial stuff like he saw a cheaper price of the phone i wanted in Ebay and if i wanna look at it, my friend got married and initially he was suppose to come with me but because of the present situation, i didn't make a follow up with him and went to the wedding alone. He found out and got angry that i didn't bring him there. he always says he wants to keep in touch and stay "friends". i think if i do this, i will be drained of energy and be tortured of seeing him getting back on with his life while i am following him around. i don't really know if i am doing the right thing. i just go by with what i think i can handle and not handle at this moment. getting by every day is a struggle in itself. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thats the usual narrow minded stance on men and their emotions. Maybe this is just your experience, though not an uncommon one. There are as many women out there who just need a vagina, one that is unconnected to their emotional brain.. but then I could say thats just my experience. That was written tongue in cheek.... The psychology in Bonnie Wells writing is much more valuable than the 6-8 weeks she proposes. It gives too many people false hope.. which is probably what she needs to sell her books. If you like that stuff find some of Mrsoandso's threads. That 6 to 8 weeks that I've posted about takes up about one and a half pages of the entire book. I've not read Bonnie Wells that I can recall but I'm certainly not going knock anything I haven't read. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 Here is an interesting post that I found on another forum. (Yes, I am putting Dr. Allen's theory to the test!) link removed Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 To the OP. Does this eight week challenge work if it was a female dumper and a male dumpee? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 To the OP. Does this eight week challenge work if it was a female dumper and a male dumpee? I don't think so but the OP can respond herself ... Link to comment
incaangelique Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 This is a nice thought, but I don't have any hope. I am going to do the 8 week challenge for my own mental health. Thank you for posting this though. It is nice to have a place to vent when I think it might be a good idea to send an e mail to him. It's not a good idea at all to be sending e mails. Day 2 of being dumped. Day 2 of no contact. Rough time. Really rough. Link to comment
troubleis Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Start duty-dating.... In my honest opinion this is incredibly unethical advice, and shows no respect for men. People hook up, one night stands happen - adults can do this in an ethical framework. But in the realm of *dating* - men are not objects to be used for a self-esteem boost - they feel emotions when they are dating, and have the same hope and faith that the person they are dating is giving it a real shot (unless there's been a specifically discussed understanding that nothing will come of it). Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted March 9, 2010 Author Share Posted March 9, 2010 Troubles, Duty dating is not about increasing your self esteem, it is about moving on and dating at least three men that you really like until you get a commitment from one of them. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Troubles, Duty dating is not about increasing your self esteem, it is about moving on and dating at least three men that you really like until you get a commitment from one of them. I think that the idea of women dating multiple men with the purpose of trying to find a life partner can be very scary for an insecure guy. It's not easy to think of your love interest as dating others, but it's very normal and actually recommended, not just to get over the past but to avoid overly emotional entanglements with guys who are not interested in anything other than sex. [And the same goes for men.] Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I'll be eight weeks NC this Saturday. I don't think I'm going to hear from the ex...and at this point, I don't care. This is a super rural area and I have a tenure-track job; I wasn't ready to give that up, switch careers, sell my house, and move. I thought he was the only guy I'd ever meet--and under those constraints, I was probably right. But eight weeks in I realized the fallacy in that logic; I *can* switch careers, sell my house, and move. And then there are all the fellas in the world. Link to comment
ex sweatheart Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I have found this post great, this is exactly the position i am in, I had a lovely relationship, no fights, no anger or resentment, i broke it off the first time then fell back into it a week or so later and it all happened "textbook" well this book anyway. we started again and within a couple of weeks it all went well til we had the chat again, nothing had changed, so i ended again on Friday and told him to leave and take his stuff, NC ever since. So now im going to give the 8 week challenge a go but aside from the suggestions on the original post, i think some other great things would be - Spend an hr a week doing something completely selfish e.g have bath, read, get my nails done Take up a new hobby e.g learn a language, take up dancing, krav maja Get back to the gym, feel good about myself and look great (just in case things dont go to plan) Thank you for the post and the boost Link to comment
ex sweatheart Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Another thought which i need suggestions for was to write a bucket list that doesnt need to include waiting for your ex to come back and join in on it ( yes i know corny and overdone... but def good for planning a future without said ex) p.s sorry for hijacking... you got me on a roll Link to comment
jaygirl Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I am glad to be here! lol. I am in the same boat with you all. i have been stuck in this cycle with my ex for two years, and this is the first time the break up is lasting up to one month. I look at myself and i cant believe it. He said the same i am unsure thingy, and i left and he didnt hold me back. the only thing is that i havent been doing NC faithfully. we had ten days nc first which he broke, and i ended up pouring an emotional lot on him over the fone, and after that it became LC, where i ensure that he was the one initiating contact. he would say hi, and i would reply monosylabically. he called yesterday to say he wants to give me a gift he bought for me, and i told him to drop it at a friends. I then told him to go to my apartment, since he has a key and collect his luggage. he refused, saying he wanted to see me before collecting them.. I quickly ended the conversation and went off. Now he is sending me texts this morning to find out 'how i am doing'. i havent replied. I dont know if i should send him a message telling him not to contact me or i shld just drop off the face of the earth with no explanation. what do you guys think? Link to comment
crymeout Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Hey all..... i am hoping my ex will contact me but at same time as time goes on i dont see this happening this time... he has been different since he came back from afghan a year ago now, not right aaway but id say about 2 months after he returned he started to get nasty and distant, not with just me but everyone..... anyways he left me after he took me away on holiday to the maldives after his tour, i thought we was ok, altho i noticed a change in him on holiday, at times he would seem strange and angry all the time. anyways he was adiment he didnt love me anymore etc and after 2 weeks begging pleading like a loon 9i am not proud of)i left him alone....let him have what he wanted, and well 2 weeks later he rings me, i dont answer, he rings again i still dont answer, he txts and asked me to talk to him and so i gave in and spoke and we met and got back together..... things had been rocky since then, he gradually got worse, with the anger and the ups and downs, it wouldnt even be anything to do with me why he was feeling bad, he didnt want to go out and the sex went downhil too well it got worse and he left me again in 0CT 09.....this time i did same thing arrrhhh for about a week i txtd him etc but then went NC again that time it was 9 DAYS and then he got in touch again and we met and got back together.... when i asked why he did this again he said he was unhappy with his life but reasured me it wasnt me, he was just worried about work etc and stressed out and that we would be ok and not to worry..... well had a great xmas, he brought me a ipod with our names engraved in the back and kisses (i lost my old one and he knew i loved it but added his special touch to it, so sweet) he brought me an expensive coat for my bday which i had liked for ages this was just before xmas.... well he ended things 1 month and 2 weeks ago now saying same things AGAIN he didnt feel it anymore, he wasnt attratced to me, he got really nasty tho, saying i was boring, i didnt make him happy, why was i crying like a baby, he didnt love me like a bf should, he was leaving, he didnt think he had lost anything special etc...really really hurt.... i last text him 3 weeks and 1 days ago.... wishing him well saying i forgave him etc for wat he had said and done but had to let go to move on i wished him well and wished he got help for the way he was feeling about like and i hoped he could be happy again... all i got back was... (my name)im happy ok.... i got mad and said thanks cant even wish me well etc and apoloigise to how u treated me badly the things u said, how can u after everything. i said i didnt want anything more to do with him... (i deeply regret this) i havnt now left it open if he was to miss me and regret it again..... he just said, well dont txt me again then, i said i wont be anymore, this was 3 weeks and 1 days ago i feel depressed i want him back, but somehow i dont think this 8 week challenege thing is going to work for me aye? he came back before my friends seem to think I WILL at some point hear from him but i just dont know anymore... i want him back...........despite it all we were a good match and when he wasnt tormented we had the most amazing relationship i wanted to spend my life with this guy... i feel so lost... sorry for imposing on thread and for the long thread Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.