The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[uncomfynumb]

I'm reading the author's website and I'm wondering exactly what being feminine means. What is feminine energy? How does one act when they exhibit feminine energy?

 

There is an entire chapter devoted to this, chapter 7 and page 79 in the book. Sometimes googlebooks will let you read some of it but they take out pages. I'll see if I can give you the "nut shell" version.

 

Feminine energy men are more focused on fun, love making and building familes. These men generally don't mind when you take some control and share in the dating process financially and in other ways, like letting you choose what you want. They enjoy sexually assertive women or assertive women in general. A man that wouldn't mind taking care of the home and children while you pursue a career is most likely a feminine energy man. And they don't mind the woman being the leader in the relationship.

 

The author loosely bases some of her theories of masculine and feminine on Jung's theory of the anima and animus. Here is a link to read more on that if you are interested.

 

link removed

 

A lot what Patricia Allen wrote makes sense to me. Of course I don't accept it as the ultimate truth instead I find it a guide. And it makes for some interesting reading when you are in the place that I am, trying to move on and understand more what might have gone on in your relationship, those things unsaid because they were not completely understood.

 

Even with the many different variables, there is something to be gained in understanding the real differences in men and women that do exist and the author highlights some of these in way that is easy for me to understand and accept. Regardless, I'm feel an increase in consciousness and awareness in knowing myself better and what I really prefer. Because I can easily go either way to be feminine or masculine based on the way that I was raised and personal circumstance, I can now back off if I feel that I am not being as feminine as I should be and let the man take the lead in the relationship which is what I really want.

 

In reading some of the threads from male posters in these forums, it seems there may be many feminine energy males posting here with broken relationships with feminine energy females.

[DylanNotorious]

This might be out of line, but if you read half the threads on this board men and woman both behave and want the same things.

 

I think these books give you girls false hope. Just my thoughts.

[uncomfynumb]

This might be out of line, but if you read half the threads on this board men and woman both behave and want the same things.

 

I think these books give you girls false hope. Just my thoughts.

 

Yes but at the end of the day, you are still a man and I am still a woman and the book is not about giving anyone false hope but to help us understand ourselves better.

 

That said, I don't think nor did the author imply that women should sit around and wait for any man but to say if the guy doesn't come back by eight weeks, to write him off for good. I also don't think it is particulary benefical to anyone, man or woman to jump right back into dating right after a breakup unless it was completely mutual and both parties are clear about why the relationship ended. That eight weeks, or six weeks or four weeks for that matter, can be a good time for self reflection. But if the time is spent pining away for someone and not looking forward, then it is time wasted whether there is a reconcilliation or not.

[BriarRose]

I agree with the author. I've noticed this (that they come back within 8 weeks, usually, if they come back) and have often mentioned this. I do believe if they do not come back within that time frame, it truly is over. Doesn't mean you won't hear from them again at some point, (they may get lonely, horny, etc), but it means they don't want a relationship with you.

[Ms Darcy]

There is an entire chapter devoted to this, chapter 7 and page 79 in the book. Sometimes googlebooks will let you read some of it but they take out pages. I'll see if I can give you the "nut shell" version.

 

Feminine energy men are more focused on fun, love making and building familes. These men generally don't mind when you take some control and share in the dating process financially and in other ways, like letting you choose what you want. They enjoy sexually assertive women or assertive women in general. A man that wouldn't mind taking care of the home and children while you pursue a career is most likely a feminine energy man. And they don't mind the woman being the leader in the relationship.

 

 

So masculine energy is where the men are more focused on what? Work? I assume that they would want control and want to handle the finances in the dating process.

[uncomfynumb]

So masculine energy is where the men are more focused on what? Work? I assume that they would want control and want to handle the finances in the dating process.

 

Pretty much. I can't quote from the book as I don't have it with me but generally the traditional male and the focus on work so that they can be the giver and provider. They are also more focused on sex, not love making but sex.

[Ms Darcy]

Pretty much. I can't quote from the book as I don't have it with me but generally the traditional male and the focus on work so that they can be the giver and provider. They are also more focused on sex, not love making but sex.

 

That's got to be a lot of pressure. But it's what makes them feel good I guess.

[topdog_9]

is it bad that every time i'm sad i read this and feel a little bit better? oh well...here's to hoping.

[Ms Darcy]

Why does it make you feel better topdog?

[uncomfynumb]

I want to post this I found from another thread. And DO NOT let this get your hopes up. But it is interesting about the whole six to eight week thing.

 

I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. THEY NEED TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES OF THIS. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

There is a link in adviceseekers thread to the entire thread where I found this. Can't remember the OP's name but she gave some pretty solid advice.

 

They don't always come back. I think more often than not, they don't. People breakup for a reason after all and it is usually much deeper than simple commitment issues and the man "not feelin his love."

 

NC is still the best and only way. It keeps you moving forward regardless if they come back. You simply keep doing what you are doing until you have moved on.

[crymeout]

i think this is great but you shouldnt get your hopes up....

 

i think the hardest thing about letting go is holding onto things like this, waiting around for them to be in touch, sometimes we gotta accept it and move on and just wish them the best. I mean we love them after all, do we not, or we wouldnt be on here. So the saying goes, if you love them let them go and if they come back it was meant to be if not then it wasnt.

 

For those of you lucky enough to have had your partner return i wish you all the best in a loving and healthy relationship. For those of you that dont then i wish you luck in everything you do and remember there is light at the other side of the rainbow, altho its hurting now things will get better...........try not to hold onto hope it just makes the process hurt even longer and drag slower because you will always be thinking and hoping for a chance....

 

try think about you....

[uncomfynumb]

I personally lost hope when I told him that if he followed through with the breakup, there would be zero chance with me after that. That was almost a month ago. He has gotten a couple of emails from me, one in which he replied that he didn't want to do the email thing, that I could call him if I want to talk about the breakup. I declined. I did email him again later to let him know that I was not angry anymore and to wish him the best; a few scraps of wood to repair that bridge I torched a few weeks prior. That was a week ago. If he ever hears from me again, it will be because he picked up the phone and called me or came by or something like that. I am done. My bridge building days are over. Why do all that work when I can just sit looking pretty on the other side? I figure if that man wants me enough, he will start to building something or get himself a boat...

 

I'm seriously thinking about joining link removed. I checked it out and there are a few hotties in my area. It gets me excited just thinking about it.

[topdog_9]

i am doing NC now but this is not the first time this is happened to me. i know him and i know his pattern. i'm trying my hardest to move on though.

[MakestheBest]

Don't call him for any reason. If you are patient, you can control your impulsive need to reconnect before eight weeks. If you call him, you lose and he wins. Sex is all you will get and you will end up hating each other."

 

This is what happened to me. I broke it off because of lack of committment-we tried to reconnect, and he changed and became very sexual. I ended up breaking it off again 3 weeks of trying to rekindle. Did the book explain why this happens?

[uncomfynumb]

This is what happened to me. I broke it off because of lack of committment-we tried to reconnect, and he changed and became very sexual. I ended up breaking it off again 3 weeks of trying to rekindle. Did the book explain why this happens?

 

LOL! Sorry to laugh but that was funny. Men are always thinking about sex. I guess your ex felt he had some catching up to do!

 

The book, if you are referring to "Getting to I do" and not the other ones mentioned in this thread basically states to not have sex before commitment. Other than that...

 

I was thinking about the last sexual encounter between me and my ex last night and how I walked in excited about something and he just starts pulling me close with this crazy passion in his eyes. I find it humorous now only because we women, for the most part, get like this only when we are madly in love or lust. Anyway, there is a lot of emotion behind it. All men need is a pecker!

 

Men are just different...

[MakestheBest]

Lol...no I understand what you're thinking, but what i meant is that after a year of being together when I tried to go back ( prob much too soon, but I couldnt stand being away from him) what he offerred me was a very sexual relationship-he almost totally killed the communication we had already had which had been the basis of our relationship originally. Much less than what we had. That is what caused me to break it off again so soon. Its been 7 days of NC. I don't know what caused this change in him. Anger, resentment...i was hoping the magical book had an answer, but I guess sometimes you never know.

[uncomfynumb]

Lol...no I understand what you're thinking, but what i meant is that after a year of being together when I tried to go back ( prob much too soon, but I couldnt stand being away from him) what he offerred me was a very sexual relationship-he almost totally killed the communication we had already had which had been the basis of our relationship originally. Much less than what we had. That is what caused me to break it off again so soon. Its been 7 days of NC. I don't know what caused this change in him. Anger, resentment...i was hoping the magical book had an answer, but I guess sometimes you never know.

 

Ahhhh.... that is a head scratcher. I'm at a loss...

[MakestheBest]

Lol! You and me both!

[BobbyC]

I know this post is for the ladies, but as a male I have to disagree. It does matter who does the breaking up. My ex broke up with me. I did the usually beg and plead to get her back for too long. Since I have "disappeared" she has been reaching out more and more, but it's not what I want to hear. It's all trivial contact. I will not be calling her or contacting her unless I hear what I would like to hear. I don't think it is right or fair to expect the man to come back to the woman when she is the one who left. She made the decision to leave and needs to be the one to make the decision to come back.

[uncomfynumb]

Lol! You and me both!

 

I tried to go back and find your post or thread that highlighed the details of your break up and I couldn't; dang girl! You are all over the boards! You go!

 

If you want to send me a link or something I can try scratching my head some more.

[uncomfynumb]

I know this post is for the ladies, but as a male I have to disagree. It does matter who does the breaking up. My ex broke up with me. I did the usually beg and plead to get her back for too long. Since I have "disappeared" she has been reaching out more and more, but it's not what I want to hear. It's all trivial contact. I will not be calling her or contacting her unless I hear what I would like to hear. I don't think it is right or fair to expect the man to come back to the woman when she is the one who left. She made the decision to leave and needs to be the one to make the decision to come back.

 

I agree with you but your situation is different. We are chatting about dumping a guy that is not committing, not dumping one that is obviously commited.

 

In your case, I agree with you 100% Make that * * * * * crawl on her hands and knees!

[BobbyC]

Oops, guess I kinda missed that crucial part of the first sentence. My bad.... I would have to agree to make the non-commital man do the work.

[Ms Darcy]

when I tried to go back ( prob much too soon, but I couldnt stand being away from him) what he offerred me was a very sexual relationship-he almost totally killed the communication we had already had which had been the basis of our relationship originally. Much less than what we had. That is what caused me to break it off again so soon.

 

 

Aw, I think the magical book tends to help you start a new relationship off well or "course correct" an existing relationship, not necessarily go back to a previous one. In the case of an ex who won't commit, it seems like the general advice is that he's gotta have a complete change of heart or he's using you for something less than a relationship.

 

Were you the one who heavily pursued getting back together? Perhaps in his mind you went from gf material to plaything material?

[uncomfynumb]

Aw, I think the magical book tends to help you start a new relationship off well or "course correct" an existing relationship, not necessarily go back to a previous one.

 

This is correct.

 

I have not found a magical book on breakups yet. But as soon as I do...

 

 

[MakestheBest]

Nah-im not a heavily pursue kinda girl-more like a "try to do the right thing if it kills me cause if it doesn't kill me my mom would kind of girl".

 

I initiated convo and a meetup because I was the dumper but he was the first to say he wanted me back and just as it was before (no compromise). I tried to stand my ground but over the weeks eventually caved...and once I did its like he tried to reorganize the relationship into FWB-even tho it wasn't labelled it was NEVER like that-im not some fly by night chick! And the toxic ex gf whose relationship with him is the huge reason why he didn't want a commitment again is now very much present in his life "best friend-someone he could talk to"(re with). Has he regressed? He was snapping at me and speaking to me crazily like when he was with her,and ignoring my calls ( he did that on two days). Basically pushing me away.Being disrespectful- It was horrible. The few times we were back together we were intensly loving-but once I left his house he turned into an animal. Don't get me wrong, my part is done-I don't see anything coming of this. I'm just trying ti understand. He turned into a monster since we broke uo and it really hurts!

 

Aw, I think the magical book tends to help you start a new relationship off well or "course correct" an existing relationship, not necessarily go back to a previous one. In the case of an ex who won't commit, it seems like the general advice is that he's gotta have a complete change of heart or he's using you for something less than a relationship.

 

Were you the one who heavily pursued getting back together? Perhaps in his mind you went from gf material to plaything material?