The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[troubleis]

Troubles,

 

Duty dating is not about increasing your self esteem, it is about moving on and dating at least three men that you really like until you get a commitment from one of them.

 

the idea of 'duty dating', in the context of the immediate aftermath of a break up, is an entirely misandrist endeavor. already looking for 'commitment' from another person immediately following a devastating breakup of the magnitude the author cites? sounds disingenuous at best.

[uncomfynumb]

the idea of 'duty dating', in the context of the immediate aftermath of a break up, is an entirely misandrist endeavor. already looking for 'commitment' from another person immediately following a devastating breakup of the magnitude the author cites? sounds disingenuous at best.

 

roflmao!

 

Honey, no one is looking for a commitment from another person immediately for one. Eventually yes, but immediately no. Where you gathered that information is beyond me. All the author is saying is to start the moving on process by dating again, even if your heart may not be completely in it. As long as a woman is forth right in her intentions and honest about her past, I see no problem with it.

 

For the ladies,

 

I would like to reiterate that the purpose of this thread is not to give hope. In most cases, when a relationship ends, it is because there is a problem that is much deeper than simple commitment issues. Crymeout's situation is a good example of that.

 

Ex sweetheart has the right idea, to focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and to continue to do so regardless of the outcome of your situation.

 

It is has been a little over six weeks since my breakup. I reached out to my ex over the weekend and received nothing back, not even an acknowledgement (see my thread ) I'm posting an ad on match.com this weekend and will begin duty dating shortly!

[uncomfynumb]

jaygirl,

 

Thanks for posting those links! Keep em coming!

[troubleis]

roflmao!

 

As long as a woman is 'forth right' in her intentions and honest about her past, I see no problem with it.

 

uncomfynumb, could you please tell me where such women are to be found? the only women i've ever known to be 'honest about (their) past' were single mothers. interesting, since a single mother knows she has no chance of keeping that critical information (that she has children) hidden.

 

please compare how likely you are to hear these statements in a real world dating scenario:

 

'i'm just looking to have fun right now, i'm just looking for a good time and i'm not looking for anything serious'

 

contrasted with:

 

'i'm just looking to date you on my terms, have you pay for dinner etc., but for me it's just duty dating and i won't be sleeping with you until there's a commitment'.

 

...beyond all this, the difference in my view is that many women (perhaps not on this board) do willingly sleep with a man the very night they meet him, or consent to friends-with-benefits arrangements. some of them even want this. but i've never met a man with a backbone who would respond agreeably to the second quote i cited above.

[uncomfynumb]

troubelis,

 

If you really want to understand where the author is coming from, then read the book. This thread is not open for the kind of debate that you are instigating.

 

Have a nice day!

[troubleis]

troubelis,

 

If you really want to understand where the author is coming from, then read the book. This thread is not open for the kind of debate that you are instigating.

 

Have a nice day!

 

it may not be open to 'debate', but it is completely open to comments on the content of the original post that fall within the forum rules. i strongly and honestly disagree with the 'duty dating' that you advocate, and believe that it will bring bad karma to whoever engages in it, as i've now fully articulated. and furthermore, since you are the op in this instance, i would advise you against online dating, and believe that it will set you back. i won't get into all the reasons why this is so, but it's my honest opinion and even if you disagree, it's not your place to silence it.

[uncomfynumb]

I think that the idea of women dating multiple men with the purpose of trying to find a life partner can be very scary for an insecure guy. It's not easy to think of your love interest as dating others, but it's very normal and actually recommended, not just to get over the past but to avoid overly emotional entanglements with guys who are not interested in anything other than sex. [And the same goes for men.]

 

Thank you.

 

Ladies, looking after yourself and putting your own needs and interests above the men that you are dating is not a form of misandry.

 

I will say again that no one here, including the author, advocates using another human being for a self esteem boost, meal ticket or otherwise.

[uncomfynumb]

According to the book, if you contact him at all, you made a mistake.

[marshmlofluff]

Yeah--I haven't contacted mine and it will be eight weeks on Saturday. In the beginning I didn't think I would be strong enough, but somehow I managed to manipulate myself into maintaining NC using everything in my toolbox; pride, fear of being rejected again--whatever worked, I used it. I'm not by any means over him, but I am trying my hardest and slowly getting there. I thought a lot and wrote a lot about what went wrong so I could avoid making the same mistakes again. I analyzed everything to death. And then when I was done purging I was ready to move on. I still miss him but at this point I cannot even imagine getting in touch for any reason.

 

Last weekend I had my first sort-of date and 5% of the time I really missed my ex, like when the guy didn't open the car door for me (my ex always did) and when he let me pay for some things (my ex never did). And another 15% of the time I realized what an unpleasant guy my ex was--like when this guy talked about traveling and other fun things my ex hated, and when I didn't have to shout to make myself heard over his rambling about himself. The rest of the time I just didn't think about him. As to the new guy he phoned up yesterday and said he'd like to see me again, so we are planning to do that in a couple of weeks. I don't expect anything at all; just takin' it slow and not thinking about tomorrow.

 

Anyway, so this thread suggests that the dumper may miss you in eight weeks. I can't really speak to that; I can't tell you what eight weeks of NC has done for my ex because I have no idea. Most likely he is just living his usual bachelor life; watching football on weekends, driving fifty miles to buffets, now and then handling an uncontested divorce or doing some reduced-rate legal work for his broke friends, and (as always) jerking off three times a day. I do expect him to call one day, but given the time scales he operates on, it'll be closer to eight years than eight weeks.

 

But I am going to post in this thread anyway because I can tell you where eight (well, 7.5) weeks of NC has brought me; I am dating (lightly) again, and I see now he was neither irreplaceable nor even that fantastic a guy. I am feeling like in a month or two I will be ready to open my heart to a new relationship. So I'm getting there.

 

Eight weeks is a long time. He dumped me in the dead of winter. Now it is spring.

[marshmlofluff]

I went to dinner with my girlfriend. Came back and looked at my land line; I had a new call from a few minutes ago. My phone stores the 99 last calls and you can scroll through to see the caller ID. I hit "down" and it said "Joe."

 

I made a face and thought I'd hit "up" by accident and scrolled to Call #1 instead of Call #99, and it was giving me the first calls after I'd moved here (all of which were him). I was annoyed and frustrated that another reminder of him had unexpectedly popped up, and I made a mental note to delete all of his missed calls; the day he dumped me I'd managed to delete 30 or 40 of them but then I got really tired of pushing the button--and worse, I have two phones. Also I was afraid that if I saw his number too many times I would never be able to forget it.

 

So anyway after a moment of frustration I hit "down" again, trying to go to my latest call and not the first. Again Joe came up. This time I was confused and scared and started shaking. I saw that the time stamp on his call was not August; it was tonight, fifteen minutes before I walked into the house. I double checked on my other phone. I'm still shaking. I'm so glad I wasn't home--I don't have caller ID upstairs; I never expected him to call. I might have picked up by accident.

 

I'd told Joe not to call unless he wanted to come back. Eight weeks minus one day. I guess he wants to come back. I guess he knew he might, because apparently he kept the sheet of paper on which he'd written my number--which is unlisted. Uncomfynumb, your book was spot on--frightening.

 

The first thing I wanted to do when he called was post on this thread.

 

The last thing I want to do is to speak to him again.

 

To everyone, I would say this: If you love someone, and s/he is good to you, don't dump her. Because the grass probably isn't greener out there--but by the time you find that out, the person you left is often hurt beyond the point where they are interested in repairing things. I have struggled and struggled for eight weeks not to want my ex back. It seems I have succeeded.

 

I'm sorry, Joe. You put yourself first, and I put you first, and you took me for granted and walked away. Now I've learned. I put me first.

 

As Joe knows (because he learned it the hard way with other women before me), the problem with shattering a relationship just because you feel like it that particular day is that you can't necessarily change your mind, pick up the pieces, and put them back together. The problem with walking away from love is that you can't go home again.

 

Joe was a direct man. The last time I took a call of his, just about the first thing out of his mouth was "I don't love you; I don't want to marry you." No hello; no small talk. Boom.

 

This time, had I been here, or picked up, or called back, most likely it would have been "I screwed up. I do love you. I do want to marry you." Or at the very least "I want to come see you tomorrow."

 

But you know, I don't wonder what he would have said. The only thing I wonder is how hard it would be to change my number, because I really don't want to hear from him when I least expect it, and I don't ever want to talk to him again.

[snoopydog]

Marsh you sound a strong person. I wish I had your strength, I really do. To me my ex seems irreplacable, even her flaws seem perfect...it's funny how her dumping me has made me idolise her even more.

 

My ex got back in touch around the 8 week mark. She also appeared on my msn around the 6 week mark. Unfortunately she doesn't want me back...only to be friends at some point. She knows I want reconciliation. We last spoke a few days ago and since then I've been trying so hard to stay in nc until she initiates contact... So hard to move on.

[Lucy1982]

Did you call your ex back to find out what he wanted? I would be interested to know if he DOES want you back due to the nature of this post... If only I was so lucky, tomorrow is day 27 of NC for me, so nearly on a month of NC and I still want him back! You're doing so well, I would be interested to know if he did infact call to ask for you back.

[marshmlofluff]

Did you call your ex back to find out what he wanted? I would be interested to know if he DOES want you back due to the nature of this post... If only I was so lucky, tomorrow is day 27 of NC for me, so nearly on a month of NC and I still want him back! You're doing so well, I would be interested to know if he did infact call to ask for you back.

 

I don't need to call to know; I'm pretty certain and I know it in my gut--and I know that man inside out, and how he behaves.

 

I had strictly, strictly instructed him "do not contact me by any means unless you change your mind and want to come back; you will hurt me. If I want to be friends again someday I will call you, but it could take years and in the meantime I do not want you to be in touch, period." He is a lawyer; he will stick precisely to the letter of what I have said. He promised he would not get in touch and try to be friends, because he told me that once I had told him not to do that, such unwanted contact would (legally?) be harassment.

 

He is the sort of man who would do exactly as I asked even if it killed him, and he is made of iron. He used to tell me how in college, he was once lying in bed naked with a naked girl who wanted to have sex with him, but at the beginning of the night she'd told him "Joe, don't try anything funny," so even when she begged for sex he didn't do it.

 

We have no financial or legal ties; we did not live together, he has nothing of mine and I have nothing of his. There is no practical reason for him to call.

 

(I have other reasons to believe that a phone call means he wants to be together again--but they are difficult to explain and this post is getting too long.)

 

For the first time in my life, I'm not going to return his call. He hurt me and I am still hurting, and I do not want to be in touch and I no longer want a reconciliation. If he tries to get in touch again I will simply say what I have said here, and what I feel: That what has broken cannot always be repaired, and that I wish him well.

[marshmlofluff]

Marsh you sound a strong person. I wish I had your strength, I really do. To me my ex seems irreplacable, even her flaws seem perfect...it's funny how her dumping me has made me idolise her even more.

 

Oh honey, this is natural. It's just the way people are wired; you want what you can't have, and the time you are most in love with your dumper is just after they dump you. Nature is cruel, isn't it?

 

We all go through this. Some part of me does want him back, and misses him so much.

 

But that is just the stupid part of me. The part of my brain that still works tells me it would not work. He is the same person who dumped me two months minus one day ago. What has changed? Why would I trust him again? Past performance may not be a guarantee of future results, but it is a reeeeeeally good indicator.

 

I have made the mistake before of begging and pleading and reconciling. That mistake cost me three or four years of my life and untold heartache; we had all the same problems as before, and at the end of it he just left me again. That was an expensive lesson, but I guess it was worth it--I learned it really well: When you are dumped, the best thing to do is hit the gas pedal, get out of Dodge, and smash the rear view mirror.

[crymeout]

marshmlofluff i just love your posts they are so inspiring. I love reading how you got through things and it makes me stick to my NC even more. I think your a very strong person and caring and well just lovely, that idiot ex of yours has lost a diamond and well i think he has realised that now.

Its true what you say about not wanting them back becoz of the hurt and fear or being hurt again. I have no reason to txt my ex and i dont feel tempted at the moment altho i have had weak moments as you know and almost did it, but then i thought about the reaction id get and was it worth hurting myself and i didnt do it.

I am at a point now where i think if he did call of txt i am not sure if i even want to talk to him like u say the hurt over rides the temptation. I keep thinking about how he hurt me despite how he was feeling with his illness..i didnt deserve all the said to me putting me down and making me feel bad about myself, i feel awful that he made me feel so low and took away some of my confidence, i felt ugly and fat, and well im not any of them things. Its funny how guys make u feel bad about urself becoz you love them and i guess them saying them things u believe them

i want him to be in touch, i stuggle every day i miss him terribly and i wonder what he is doing etc, BUT if he did come back i am not sure of how i would react...

 

right now it doesnt seem like it tho its been 3 weeks and 4 days since i txt him and the last txt i sent was that i didnt want anything more to do with him as i was hurt that after i txt him a really nice txt and a hard one at that, saying i would let him go not for him but for me that i needed to heal from this but that i wished him well and that i hoe he can get help with how he is feeling and be happy, all i got back was....' (my name) im happy ok.

i thought well nice, i put my heart out there i am torn apart by saying bye and wishing him well also knowing he could meet someone else and be happy with them but i still wished him happiness coz i love him and want him to be happy, and well he cudnt even do the same to me to leave it on GOOD terms i feel sad about that after we was together 3 years......

its like hes forgot all that and well doesnt care for me at all doesnt want me to be happy and well...

 

all he txt back after i txtd that i didnt want anything more to do with him was....well dont txt me again then.. i then said dont worry i wont be anymore, its been 3 weeks and 4 days like i said and i havnt been in touch and i havnt heard from him either....

 

part of me thought i would as he came back before but this time i just dont think its going to happen, i even wonder if he has met someone else already and thats why its so easy for him..

 

i am not sure what i want anymore, all i know is i dont want to feel like i do anymore, i want to be happy again and i am working on that for myself the best i can, and if he comes back i guess ill come on here and tell you all and then well take it from there...im not sure i even ant him anymore eventho i miss him, does this make any sense, i am so hurt i dont want that happening all over again..

 

i guess you can say i am no scared of loving again..

 

best wishes to you all,,hang in there

[crymeout]

oh and uncomfynumb, i have brought the book 'getting to i do' offline and it came yesterday, i havnt started reading it yet. But thanks for sharing this with us

[jaygirl]

too bad i cant get the book here

[crymeout]

jaygirl i orderd mine on ebay, you can buy it there...

[uncomfynumb]

oh and uncomfynumb, i have brought the book 'getting to i do' offline and it came yesterday, i havnt started reading it yet. But thanks for sharing this with us

 

You are so very welcome sweetheart. I really enjoyed the book and learned alot about myself.

 

jaygirl,

 

I have tried to find an ebook for you to download. Have you tried the bookstore? I bet they could order it for you?

 

fluff,

 

Unfreakingbelievable!

 

I somehow knew Joe would call you but I didn't want to say anything.

 

Dr. Allen apparently knows her stuff. Remember Browneyedgrl's (sp?) called right at eight weeks too.

[jaygirl]

So i am starting this challenge today. I am so so scared but hopefully i would get thru it.

[uncomfynumb]

You will get through it. You do get stronger and somewhat more rational as the days go on. Of course, I'm a nut case anyway so nothing is going to really help me!

[incaangelique]

So i am starting this challenge today. I am so so scared but hopefully i would get thru it.

 

Wonderful! Day 3 here. I think we can do it!

[marshmlofluff]

Thanks to uncomfynumb for creating this thread!!!

 

As to him calling, I also guessed he would--it is an exact repeat of his pattern with the last few women he's dumped; after he dumps them he regrets it and realizes (a) he does want to get married and probably (b) how much trouble he's going to have finding someone else--by which time they resent him too much to speak to him ever again. Though I thought both (a) and (b) would take much longer than eight weeks.

 

Yeah I still love him and miss him. But I've spent the last eight weeks saying to myself like a mantra "why would I want to be with somebody who would abruptly leave for no reason?" That's almost the antithesis of what you look for in a man. And it eventually sunk in.

 

I'm at eight weeks NC today and I realize now how far I've come. I slept on it and feel the same as I did last night. I'd rather begin a new relationship with someone else than reconcile with someone who left me. And I plan to keep up NC as long as I want the pain out of my life, which may very well be forever.

[snoopydog]

Oh honey, this is natural. It's just the way people are wired; you want what you can't have, and the time you are most in love with your dumper is just after they dump you. Nature is cruel, isn't it?

It is.

 

It sounds like him trying to contact you has put you at peace...good for you.

[marshmlofluff]

It is.

 

It sounds like him trying to contact you has put you at peace...good for you.

 

I think it has confirmed for me that (1) I do not want him back, that (2) I am strong enough not to take him back, and that (3) I will not destroy a future relationship if he tries to come back. And I think knowing those things has shaved about three months off my recovery time.